“Oh, what’s it like?”
“Well, it was actually a patio once, but then she had it enclosed with glass and put decorative tile on the floor. On top of those she has some rugs that your feet almost disappear into when you step on them. Since she has plants all along the windows, we call it the green room now. My mother tends to them like they were babies.” He thought of how Ria had played catch with his father last Sunday. “It’s a restful place if the kids are outside. Otherwise, I have to stop them from playing Frisbee with the cushions.”
Kerrianne was silent, and he wondered if she was hoping for an invitation to see the green room. It was a natural progression of things, and he knew that if he had a real interest in furthering their relationship, he should jump at the opportunity to invite her. But he couldn’t. He had once thought his parents might approve of a woman like Kerrianne, but at his last visit, they had made it clear they wanted him to marry a single woman—and not just any single woman but one with a college degree and an important family. A woman they considered an equal. Their equal. He had no idea where Kerrianne would fit in that scenario, but he wasn’t willing to risk finding out. His parents were too unpredictable . . . and she was too fragile.
An uncomfortable silence grew between them, and then Kerrianne said with a stilted voice, “Well, I’m not thinking about building onto the house. I want to put my greenhouse in the corner of my backyard. It’ll have a dirt floor, so basically it’ll be a garden with a roof. I have a large garden area there now. I wouldn’t take up the whole plot, though, just half.”
“Must be a big plot.”
“I used to plant a lot of stuff. I’ve only been using half since . . . well, lately. I planted the rest in pumpkins. We had a lot of pumpkins this year.” She smiled. “Since the vines spread so much, it looked like I’d planted the whole thing.”
“You did.”
She laughed, and his heart constricted at how lovely she looked. “Pumpkins don’t count,” she said, “not really.”
“They do to me. I love pumpkin pie—anything pumpkin. Unless you mix it with cheesecake. I hate cheesecake.”
“No way. No one hates cheesecake.”
“Well, I hate it. My children do, too.” There was a pause, and then he asked, “So you’re good at building things?”
She gave a delicate shrug. “I do some. I built a toddler bed once. I used to do crafts before I got tired of them. I put together a play set last summer for my children.”
Ryan’s jaw dropped. He’d never known a woman who could actually build things. Laurie had been afraid of most of his tools—especially his chainsaw. “Wasn’t it heavy? The wood, I mean.”
She shook her head and rolled her eyes. “It was a kit. It all came precut, so nothing was very heavy. Well, all but the sandbox. I did that myself. Wasn’t too hard.” She stopped talking and looked off into the distance, gone somewhere he couldn’t go, and for a moment he was jealous of an experience that could take her from him so easily.
“The kits are kind of expensive,” she added, focusing on him again, “so I may not be able to do a greenhouse right away. I’ve been saving up with the money I’ve earned from my preschool. I’m thinking of adding a morning class.”
That was good news for him and Tiger. “How many classes do you have now?”
“Two—one from twelve to two on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and the other on Tuesdays and Thursdays twelve to three.”
“Six hours a week per child?”
She grinned. “Believe me, it’s enough. At this point some of the kids are too little to be away from their moms any longer.”
Tiger was away from his mom a lot more than that, and as much as Ryan wished his son had his mother, there was nothing he could do to change things. Then again, Tiger didn’t seem to mind being at his sitter’s all day watching TV.
As though reading his mind, Kerrianne added, “Of course some of the kids could stay all day. They love the activities. They have a lot of energy.”
“I know what you mean. My son—”
“Kerrianne!” interrupted a voice. “Oh, there you are!” Maxine appeared around the corner, followed by a gray-haired woman Ryan couldn’t name, who gave Kerrianne an odd stare.
Kerrianne jumped to her feet almost guiltily, making Ryan smile. It wasn’t as if they’d been caught kissing or something. He climbed slowly to his feet.
“The dance is over. Time to go home.” Maxine looked from her to Ryan. “Unless you two are planning to get a drink or something.”
Ryan wouldn’t have minded, but Kerrianne shook her head. “I’d better get home to my kids. It’s late.”
Maxine sighed rather loudly, glancing at him as if to say, “Hey, you blew it, not me.”
“Oh, I just remembered.” Kerrianne turned toward him. “My son has one of your son’s toy cars. Apparently, he got it from him at the grocery store.” She turned pink, and he started grinning at the remembrance of her and all that chocolate.
He was about to say it didn’t matter, that Tiger had more cars than he knew what to do with, but then he realized it was the perfect excuse. “We’ll drop by and get it sometime.”
“I could leave it in the mailbox.”
He looked at her seriously, without allowing the slightest hint of a grin. “That’s against the law. Only U.S. mail can go in the mailbox.”
All three women stared at him for several seconds before Kerrianne started to laugh. Ryan joined her. Maxine looked annoyed, while the woman Ryan didn’t know watched them in apparent confusion.
Maxine snorted, “Oh, brother. Come on.” She tugged Kerrianne away from him and down the hall. Ryan watched them go, thinking that she hadn’t exactly said no to his coming over to retrieve the toy. He would take the children to her house tomorrow.
Kerrianne glanced over her shoulder, and he again felt the pull he always seem to experience with her. Not everything had gone smoothly tonight, but he’d been at the right place at the right time, and she had appeared to enjoy his company. Ryan sent a silent thank-you heavenward. Someone knew what they were doing.
But who would be waiting for him tomorrow? Would it be the woman he was growing more and more attracted to or the woman who still lived in the past?
Whistling softly, Ryan went outside to his truck.
Chapter Twelve
Kerrianne left the temple Saturday morning feeling renewed and rested. From the driver’s seat of her van, Amanda smiled at her. “It’s a beautiful morning, isn’t it?”
“Very. Thanks for going with me.”
“My pleasure. Or at least it is if I’m driving.” Amanda made a face. “Otherwise, I’d have lost my breakfast already.”
Kerrianne remembered those days only vaguely. She remembered Adam bringing her dry toast on a plate as she lay in bed.
Amanda didn’t notice Kerrianne’s silence. She breezed on as she drove home, chatting about new clothes and a vacation to Hawaii to celebrate Kevin and Mara’s sealing, which she and Blake planned for sometime in December. Kerrianne listened to her younger sister, glad for her happiness but only with half attention. She was thinking about Adam and the temple. Usually, she felt closer to him there than anywhere else, but today had been different. She hadn’t sensed him at all.
“Is something wrong?” Amanda glanced over at her, finally noticing her absence from the conversation.
Kerrianne frowned. “It’s just . . . well, I always considered Adam my soul mate, but I have to admit that I’m tired of being alone.”
“That sounds pretty normal to me.”
“Not really. If I married my soul mate, why would I ever want to be with anyone else? Even if he was stolen from me?” Kerrianne thought of Ryan and the warmth the sight of him evoked in her heart.
Amanda shook her head. “I don’t believe in soul mates. What every relationship boils down to is hard work and sacrifice. I mean, I love Blake with all my heart, but sometimes I’d just as soon slap him as talk to him. But things always smooth over be
cause we’re both committed—to each other and the gospel. And after you face the trials together is when it gets good.”
“Not if one of the people isn’t there.”
Compassion filled Amanda’s eyes. “I’m sorry, Kerrianne. I’d give anything to change that. But what I’m trying to say is that there’s no reason not to want another relationship.”
“There’s a woman in my ward who thinks if you truly loved your dead spouse, then you would never need to look at anyone else.”
Amanda gave an exasperated sigh. “I don’t know, Kerrianne. What do you think?”
“I told her that meant I had more than half my life to live alone.” And sometimes being alone feels worse than being dead. But she didn’t say this last bit aloud, not wanting to disturb her sister any more than she had. “Actually, I said rather more than that because she was talking about a friend of mine. I think I shocked her.”
Amanda pulled into Kerrianne’s driveway and left the van idling. She faced Kerrianne, the swell of her baby looking large in the cramped space. “Maybe she needed to be shocked. You know what I think?” She didn’t wait for a reply. “I think that maybe the Lord is trying to tell you it’s okay to go on with your life.”
“I miss him.” Kerrianne felt her jaw quiver, and she hated the weakness in herself. “I miss him every day. So much. So, so much. But then sometimes I don’t even remember what he looks like.” Her voice was scarcely a whisper.
Amanda’s eyes reddened, but she smiled. “You remember him, though. That’s what important, and for what it’s worth, Kerrianne, I’m glad you’re feeling . . . well, like you want more.”
Is that what she was feeling? Maybe it was because suddenly she did want more: a companion, a father for her children, and someone to love.
“Anyway,” Amanda went on, “you’ve spent a lot of years in a daze, letting life take you where it will. Maybe it’s time you . . .” She trailed off.
“Get a life?” Kerrianne suggested bitterly. “Forget Adam? Stop wallowing in my misery?”
Amanda shook her head. “I was going to say, maybe it’s time for you to get building that greenhouse you’re always talking about.”
They smiled at each other, followed by a burst of laughter. Kerrianne hugged her sister. “I love you, Manda.”
Amanda grinned. “I love you, too. Now feel this.” She grabbed Kerrianne’s hand and put it on her stomach. Kerrianne felt the distinct kicking of her new little niece.
“Hi, baby,” Kerrianne whispered. “We can’t wait to see you.”
Life went on, that was for sure, and Kerrianne was glad.
* * *
That afternoon Kerrianne had her children in the backyard pulling out dead pumpkin vines. The sun was shining overhead, but the cool nip in the air made coats, hats, and gloves a necessity. The boys loved tugging at the vines, but Misty, who was becoming fastidious as she grew older, was less than pleased at the dirt and grime. Kerrianne eventually let her rake the remaining leaves in the backyard, which was more to Misty’s liking but which she had absolutely no skill at doing—especially since the lawn was still moist from the morning frost, making the leaves soggy and difficult to rake.
“Mommy, this one won’t come out,” Caleb said, grunting with effort as he tugged on a particularly stubborn vine.
“I’ll help.” Benjamin threw a vine into the garbage bin and rushed over, but even the two of them together couldn’t budge the root.
Smiling, Kerrianne bent over and grasped the vine. “One, two, three!” she chanted. They tugged together, groaning with effort until snap! the vine broke and they tumbled backward onto the cold dirt. Caleb and Benjamin giggled and jumped on her, beginning a wrestling and tickling spree.
“Yuck!” Misty exclaimed. “You’re getting all dirty!”
Soft chuckling came from another source, and Kerrianne looked up to see Ryan and his two children standing by her patio. “Hi,” he called. “There was no answer so I figured we’d come around here.”
With a yelp of delight, Caleb sprang from the ground and ran to hug his new best friend, Tiger, shedding his gloves on the way. Benjamin was not far behind. Kerrianne got up more slowly, dusting off as much of the dirt as she could. Her fingers felt cold even inside the gloves, but her heart was warm.
“You always seem to catch me at the best times.” She let irony seep into her voice.
“Hey, I told you I’d come over today. You know, for the toy.”
“Oh, right. Caleb? Where’s the car you got from—” She stopped. Caleb and Benjamin had taken Ria and Tiger to the playhouse. Misty was there, too, but she didn’t look happy. “Caleb can’t hear me,” she said unnecessarily.
Ryan shrugged. “That’s okay. Tiger’s got a hundred of those things. I’m always stepping on them. Look what I found.” He came closer, holding out a sheaf of papers.
“What are they?”
“Look and see.” His smile was amused.
She scanned the images. “Greenhouse kits?”
“Well, you sounded serious.” He took the papers and shuffled through them. “Here’s one that’s a dome. Comes in all sizes. Kind of cool but not very space conscious. This one looks like a glass house. I like it, but it’s costly. But this one . . . no . . . oh, here it is. This rectangle one with the curved roof is on some kind of sale. Almost a thirty percent discount. I like it as well as I like the house one. In fact, the top reminds me of a Russian church. It seems to be the best buy for the money. It’s twelve by nine foot, instead of eight by six. Comes in green framing, if you’d like that. There’s a lean-to as well, but I knew you didn’t want to put it up against the house.”
“So many choices.” Kerrianne was touched. Narrowing down choices of greenhouses on an Internet search would have taken a lot of time. “When did you do all this?”
He shrugged. “Today was my day off, and I had some time on my hands. Anyway, the shipping is fairly even across the board. You might want to run down to the store here to see if they have anything so you can avoid shipping charges.”
Kerrianne looked at the plans again. She really liked the rectangle one with the green frame. The price, even on sale, was steep, but she was already contemplating how she could swing the cost. She really wanted it.
“Maybe I will add another preschool class.” She said this wistfully, though, not really wanting to give up the freedom of her mornings. That was the time she put her house to rights, went shopping, helped at the children’s school, or prepared her lessons.
She walked over to the patio table and set the papers down, placing a garden trowel on top so the occasional puff of wind wouldn’t send them flying. “I was clearing the spot,” she told Ryan. “The vines are always easier to clear when they’ve died back, but we found a couple stubborn ones.”
He grinned. “So I noticed.”
Her face felt hot as she remembered her sprawled position when he’d arrived.
Ignoring her discomfort, Ryan glanced toward the playhouse. “Need a hand? Looks like you lost your helpers.”
She was hesitant to accept. The last thing she needed was to start depending on someone again. One of the worst things about Adam’s death was having no one to count on for little things she’d long taken for granted—putting a load of dishes in the dishwasher, changing the oil in the van, picking something up at the store on the way home from work, keeping the boys out of her hair while she made dinner. Yet she’d had to pressure him into mowing the lawn, pruning the trees, or helping her in the garden. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to help her but yard work was simply something he didn’t enjoy, so Kerrianne had shouldered most of the work. With Adam doing so much else in their lives, it really hadn’t been too heavy a load. She wished she’d realized that before instead of nagging him. Now, doing it all alone was next to impossible.
“Sure,” she said, surprising herself. “But I don’t have any gloves your size.”
“That’s okay. I’m used to it. Sometimes my hands are so cold when I de
liver the mail in the winter that it’s all I can do to separate the mail.”
“You don’t wear gloves?”
He shrugged. “They have to be a special kind or I can’t grab the letters. Sometimes it’s easier to go without.”
Kerrianne nodded. They pulled vines in silence for a few minutes, and then she said, “You probably have enough of your own yard work to do at home.”
“Not really. We’re low maintenance at our house. There’s just a lawn, and I pay Ria to mow that.”
Kerrianne frowned. “But she’s only, what, eight, nine?”
“Nine.” He saw her aghast expression and said quickly, “She’s a tomboy through and through. She loves tools and being independent. Unfortunately, it goes with the territory—not having a mother and all. Don’t your kids have responsibility they wouldn’t have if your husband were here?”
Kerrianne bent over a vine to hide her feelings. It was both strange and comforting to talk about Adam with Ryan. Aside from her family and Maxine, everyone else studiously avoided any reference to him. The vine came out easily—much more easily than her response.
“I guess they have more chores, things I used to have time to do for them. Folding and putting away their own clothes, getting their own lunch now and then, other household chores, but nothing dangerous.”
Ryan tugged out the root of the vine that had sent Kerrianne and the boys to the ground. “Well, I did watch her the first few times.”
“You don’t even watch?” Kerrianne glared at him, hands on her hips.
He held up a hand to ward her off. “Kidding, kidding. Of course I watch.” Under his breath he added, “Mostly.”
Kerrianne began pulling up vines with more vigor. She was glad she hadn’t gone out with him. He was seriously neglectful. Adam might not have been a great help in the yard, but he had certainly taken responsible care of the children.
“Give it back!” Misty yelled, breaking into Kerrianne’s thoughts. “Now! It’s mine!”
Kerrianne looked up to see Tiger and Caleb running around the backyard with one of Misty’s Barbie dolls. They were giggling wildly, barely managing to keep a step ahead of Misty.
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