“Oh, yeah, your kids. Mine are with my ex-wife this weekend, and I didn’t think—sorry.”
“That’s okay. It’s natural.” Or was it?
“We could see a movie,” Gunnar said.
“I really can’t. I left my children last night, and I don’t want to leave them again so soon. They’re not used to me . . . you know, going out.” The truth was Kerrianne wasn’t used to it either. How she had gone from a mourning widow one day to a woman being sent flowers and asked out the next was unfathomable.
“Oh, I see.” Gunnar’s disappointment was all too apparent. “What about next week?”
“Well, I’m not sure what I’m doing yet. I think Maxine mentioned another, uh, dance.” Kerrianne wondered if he felt she was trying to give him the runaround. She really wasn’t, but dancing was one thing, and dating quite another.
“There’s a couple of things going on next week,” Gunnar said. “But I really hoped to see you before then.” His voice grew huskier, and Kerrianne again felt a distinct desire to laugh. Was he for real?
“I’m a little new at all this,” she said, schooling her voice to be properly serious. “I want to get back into things slowly.”
“I understand.” He sounded, in fact, extremely sympathetic. “Well, I’ll go to whatever dance you’ll be at. We can see about things then.”
“I think that would be best,” Kerrianne said.
“But can I call you?”
“Sure, why not?” After the children went to sleep, there was only her and the quiet, creaking house, and that big empty bed waiting. She liked to put off going to bed for as long as possible and having Gunnar to talk to—having anyone to talk to—would give her an excuse to stay up.
Gunnar launched into a story about his neighbor, a military man whose yard was not allowed to have one blade of grass out of place. He told the story with skill, and Kerrianne found herself relaxing. Before she knew it, she’d finished the chicken and rice she was making for dinner, and it was time to call the kids.
“Well, I have to go,” she said. “It was fun talking to you. And I mean that.”
“I enjoyed it too. I’ll call you again.”
“I’d like that.”
Kerrianne hung up the cordless phone in its cradle. She looked at it for a moment, contemplating the sudden absurdity of her life. “Adam,” she said, looking heavenward, “you’d better not be up there laughing at me. In fact, I hope you’re jealous!”
With that, she called the children to dinner.
About halfway through the meal, Misty set down her fork and stared at her. “Mommy, you seem different.”
“Oh? How?”
“You’re smiling a lot,” Benjamin said.
Kerrianne stopped chewing. “That’s a good thing, right?”
Benjamin and Caleb nodded furiously, Misty with more reserve. Kerrianne wondered if her bitterness and longing for the past had affected her children more than she realized. I have to be careful of that, she thought. More than anything she wanted her children to grow up healthy and happy—despite Adam’s not being there for them. Did that mean not only hiding her constant longing for him but actually trying to find happiness? She wondered also if she should be actively seeking a new father figure for them as Ryan seemed to be searching for a mother for his children. Could another man love her children enough to fill that spot?
Maybe it was time she found out.
After a quiet evening with her children, they piled in her bed and she put on one of Adam’s CDs. Heat blasted down at them from the overhead vent as they cuddled like a litter of puppies, squashed against each other, limbs entwined or sprawling as comfort demanded. Kerrianne felt warm and happy and content.
As she drifted off she wasn’t thinking about her children, or Adam, Gunnar, or the men who’d sent flowers. She was thinking of Ryan.
Chapter Fifteen
Ryan’s parents’ house in Ogden was larger than Kerrianne expected, bigger even than her parents’ comfortable home in Alpine where they’d raised four children. She knew the Oakmans had only two children, both of whom were long gone, and she wondered what they did with all the extra space. The house was tall, gray-colored, and forbidding but immaculately landscaped with mature trees and generous flowerbeds. Only a scattered handful of leaves dotted the grass, and Kerrianne bet they’d blown over from the neighbor’s yard. There was even a waterfall in the front, though there was no water in it at the moment—probably having been winterized.
She turned off the engine and pulled the keys from the ignition. They’d had to take her van, as Ryan’s truck had only three safety belts. She hadn’t minded, though it had been a little awkward. He’d offered to drive, but she hated it when guys assumed they should drive just because they were men, so she’d refused. She had driven herself around for four years and liked the control it gave her.
Ria jumped out of the van and headed up the walk that led to wide, decorative cement stairs. The rest followed her more slowly.
Caleb tugged on Kerrianne’s hand. “Mom, it’s frowning at me,” he whispered, staring up at the house. “Tiger’s right. It’s scary.”
Kerrianne knew all about Tiger’s ideas, as the child had loudly voiced them during the hour drive. “It’s just a house,” she told Caleb. “And remember, Ryan promised there would be food.”
“But you might not like it,” Tiger put in. The boys shared a mournful look and went solemnly up the walk, their hands shoved deep in their pockets. Benjamin squeezed between them, setting a comforting hand on each of their shoulders. Misty followed behind, her pretty face drawn into what seemed a permanent pout.
Ryan chuckled, but there was uneasiness in his eyes. “I guess you’ve realized my parents don’t inspire much trust from my children.”
Kerrianne thought how different it would be if they were visiting her parents. Her children always ran to be the first one to hug Grandma or Grandpa. “What about their other grandparents?” she asked.
“Laurie’s parents live in New York so we rarely see them. She came out to Brigham Young University and lived with her grandmother, and that’s how we met. Some of her brothers and sisters came, too, but she was the only one to stay. Five of them live near her parents, so they keep busy with grandkids. We haven’t actually seen them since the funeral, though Laurie’s sister came to visit once or twice. She was close to Laurie, especially at the end.”
Kerrianne nodded, knowing how difficult it was to stay in contact with in-laws once a spouse wasn’t around to plan visits. Since her own mother-in-law’s health had declined, the only time the children saw her now was when Kerrianne managed to take them to California. They’d made it only twice in four years.
The air was still crisp and clean smelling, but there was a bite to it that made Kerrianne hold her coat more tightly around her. Ryan’s eyes followed the movement with a smile. “It’s cold,” he said unnecessarily. His gray eyes were dark and deep, and they held hers with an intensity that was common with him, as though he were searching out her innermost feelings. Her breath caught in her throat, and she almost forgot to take a step, which caused her to stumble.
Ryan caught her elbow, but her stumbling had broken the connection between their eyes and she no longer needed any help. She was both exhilarated by and frustrated with his touch. They were only friends—why did he affect her so? Had it been that long since she’d felt a man’s touch?
Yes. Four long years.
A gentle smile came to his lips as he drew his hand back. He was still looking at her, but Kerrianne was careful not to get caught again in his stare, though she wondered what he was thinking.
The children had reached the door, so Kerrianne quickened her pace. Misty was behind the others, her foot tapping with impatience. Kerrianne heaved an inner sigh. Misty was usually bossy and sure of herself, but she was also kind and giving and loving—especially to someone she deemed was an underdog. This sulky, petulant creature simply couldn’t be her daughter. Kerrianne had to use
tremendous effort to remind herself that Misty was acting from fear of losing her place in Kerrianne’s life more than from any desire to hurt others.
The tall door opened, revealing a plump woman of average height. She had straight brown hair drawn back in a clip at the nape of her neck and blue eyes that ran over the children with an air that already signaled defeat. “Hello,” she said in a soft voice that didn’t surprise Kerrianne. It completed the picture of who she was.
She hugged Ria and Tiger, which they bore stoically, without real enthusiasm. Then Ryan kissed her cheek and turned to introduce Kerrianne. “Mom, this is Kerrianne. Kerrianne, my mother Elizabeth. And these are Kerrianne’s children, Misty, Benjamin, and . . . uh . . . let’s see.” He faltered, pointing at Caleb.
“Caleb!” The boy sounded outraged.
“That’s right. It’s Jarob.”
“No, Caleb!” Both Tiger and Caleb yelled.
“Callen,” Ryan said.
“Caleb!” The boys screamed. But they were laughing now, having realized it was all a joke.
Ryan snapped his fingers. “Of course, how could I forget. It’s Raleb.” Caleb giggled.
“Nice to meet you all,” Elizabeth said with a half smile. “Come in. It’s cold out there.”
Once in the house, they hung their coats on a coatrack by the door, careful not to drop them on the highly polished wood floor. Then the children stood looking nervously back and forth, waiting for Elizabeth to give them directions. Again Kerrianne was struck by the difference between this house and her parents’. Nothing here bore the wear of children, and having seen Ryan playing with the kids, she couldn’t see him growing up here, couldn’t make it fit together in her mind.
“Let’s go to the green room.” Elizabeth smiled and her eyes met Kerrianne’s, but not for long, and Kerrianne was aware that she was not welcome here. There would be no overtures of friendship. But why? Elizabeth seemed like a nice woman who loved her son and grandchildren. Why wouldn’t she want what could make them happy? Did she suspect Kerrianne’s motives?
Good thing I don’t have any. But even as the thought came, she looked toward Ryan and felt a softening within her.
The green room was much more than its name implied. All but one wall was made of glass, angled upwards where it joined the main house, and the numerous plants grew with a vigor that told of careful tending. Kerrianne wasn’t familiar with most of the houseplants as she was more of an outdoor gardener with a particular interest in plants that bore edible fruit, but she could appreciate the effort Elizabeth so obviously put forth. She loved the tiles on the floor, and though cream rugs seemed rather excessive, they did match nicely. The patio furniture was perfect, and so was the recessed lighting.
“It’s very lovely,” Kerrianne said. “I’ve never seen a room so lovely. Thanks for letting me come and take a peek.”
Elizabeth warmed toward her slightly after that, and the two sat and chatted amicably about plants for a while. The boys began wrestling in the far corner, dangerously near a large potted plant sitting on an elaborate stand. Elizabeth began paying only partial attention to the conversation as her eyes were drawn time and time again back to the boys. Kerrianne looked at Ryan, expecting him to do something, but he sat obliviously at the oblong table next to Ria, who was pounding her fist into her mitt. Misty sat daintily on the edge of her chair, trying to ignore both of them.
“Boys!” Kerrianne used her kindest I-mean-business voice. “Come here. You’re going to topple that plant. I’ve got something here for you.” She reached into her purse and drew out several large plastic zip bags with puzzle pieces inside.
“So Ryan tells me you’re looking to buy a greenhouse,” Elizabeth said, relaxing now that the boys were away from her beloved plants.
Kerrianne laughed. “Yeah, someday. I want to see what kind of vegetables I can raise all year long. I’m thinking I’ll try some flowers, too.”
“How nice.” Elizabeth smiled again, and this time it was wider.
“They’re costly, though.” Kerrianne gave a shrug. “But I think things will work out somehow.”
“How do you think—” Elizabeth broke off.
Kerrianne followed her gaze and saw Ryan’s father stride into the room. Sterling Oakman gave them all a courteous smile that did not reach his eyes. He resembled Ryan in the cut of his face and the gray eyes, making it apparent they were father and son, but Sterling’s eyes were deeper set, and there was an austere edge to his expression that Ryan didn’t have. Kerrianne hadn’t thought Ryan looked anything like his mother, but he’d apparently received something from her in the shape of his face, and Kerrianne was glad. His was a face that could laugh. Sterling senior didn’t look as though he’d spent much time laughing. His hair was also black like Ryan’s but scattered with gray that matched the iron in his eyes.
Only as Elizabeth made the introductions did Kerrianne realize Sterling was not alone. “This is our older son, Willard,” Elizabeth said.
“Hello. Nice to meet you.” Willard held out a hand and shook hers vigorously.
“You, too.” Kerrianne was grateful at least for his exuberance, though she couldn’t help comparing the two brothers. Willard looked soft and weak by comparison, and his eyes held no power over her, though he stared at her overlong. Willard didn’t resemble either of his parents to any degree, though there was a slight family resemblance, as though he were a cousin or a nephew. She remembered Ryan saying something about his being a lawyer.
“Well, now that we’re all here, how about a snack?” Elizabeth glanced in her husband’s direction, and Kerrianne wondered if she was checking to make sure he didn’t object. There was no doubt about who was in control here.
After greeting his father and brother, Ryan had sat down on the floor with the boys and began helping them with their puzzles. Kerrianne saw Sterling glance his son’s way and thought there was a tightening of his mouth, but she may have imagined it.
“Oh, please,” Kerrianne said, “don’t go to any trouble on our part. Really, it was nice of you to just let us come.”
“No trouble at all,” Sterling said, indicating to his wife that she should bring in the food. “You’ve driven an hour, haven’t you? And it’ll be another going back. You’ll need refreshments.”
Kerrianne didn’t let his gruff manner put her off. She owed them nothing, wanted nothing from them. Besides, growing up in her bustling family everyone had learned to stick up for themselves, or get lost in the crowd. All the Huntingtons were fighters.
“Thank you,” she said, giving him her best smile. “I’m sure the children would enjoy that. Do you need a hand, Elizabeth?”
Halfway to the door, Elizabeth darted another quick glance toward her husband. “No, but thank you. It’s all ready. I’ll just bring it in.”
“You help your mother,” Sterling told Willard.
Willard seemed momentarily disgruntled but jumped to do his father’s bidding.
“So,” Sterling fixed his steely eyes on her when they’d left, “how did you meet my son?”
It was as if he’d asked “What are your intentions?”
“He delivers my mail. But we didn’t really start talking until I saw him in a play. He’s a great actor.”
There, that tightening of the mouth again, and this time she was sure it wasn’t her imagination. “Well, I guess,” Sterling said rather carelessly.
Ryan left the puzzles to come and sit by her, moving his chair until it touched hers.
Sterling’s eyes narrowed. “So that’s how it is,” he seemed to say. Kerrianne didn’t move away, though Misty was staring at her intently. So was Ria, her face stretched in a wide grin.
“Kerrianne used to act in high school. I’m trying to get her to try out for the next play.”
“I see.” Sterling obviously wasn’t impressed.
Ryan raised his eyebrows a couple times. “I’m trying out for one of the leads, and I’m hoping she’ll play opposite me. It’s a romantic plot
.”
Ria giggled, and Kerrianne felt a hot flush sweep over her face. She fought it down. “A Midsummer Night’s Dream really isn’t that romantic,” she said. “I mean, all the men are fickle.”
“Only because of the magic,” Ryan protested.
“I’m going to try out for Puck,” Ria put in. She had stood up when her grandfather entered the room and hardly seemed to care when he chose to sit in her seat. Now she hovered near his elbow, slamming her fist into her glove.
Kerrianne gave her a big smile. “You’d make a wonderful Puck.”
Sterling’s face darkened further, and Kerrianne was glad to see Elizabeth and Willard coming back into the room. Willard carried a large silver tray of dishes and Elizabeth pushed a serving cart made of dark wood. Kerrianne saw plates of finger sandwiches, a variety of tiny cookies, a relish plate, and a tray of sliced fruits. It was a nice display, one similar to what she might have served. The only thing Elizabeth had omitted was fresh raspberries for the lemonade.
“Uh, Grandpa,” Ria said hesitantly, as though it was a new thing for her to address him so boldly, “do you want to play catch?” Hope shown in her bright face, and Kerrianne’s heart went out to her. She hated to think of Sterling disappointing her, as she was sure he would. No matter that Ria had mentioned something about playing ball with him before, Sterling simply wasn’t the type of man to toss a ball with a child. That was another place he differed greatly from his son.
Sterling looked at Ria for a several seconds, as if trying to understand her request. Then he looked down at his dress slacks and white shirt but only fleetingly. With amazement Kerrianne watched his face soften. “Sure,” he said. “After we eat something, we’ll go outside. Did you bring the ball?”
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