“I thought they might change their minds about me if they knew my family, but I wasn’t going to tell them.” She wondered if she should be angry or amused at this turn of events.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“It’s okay. I have too much to worry about to hold a grudge against them.”
“They want to have us over for dinner again.”
Kerrianne frowned. She didn’t know if she was that bighearted. “Ryan, I know this means a lot to you, but—”
“I told her no.”
“You did?” Kerrianne scooted closer to him on the couch.
“Yeah. Except that I did suggest that they come here instead. I was thinking you could meet them again on your turf, you know. But only if you want.”
“That might be okay. Could I have some of my family here?”
He grinned, and her stomach flopped with the easiness of it. “It’s your house. You can have anyone you want.” He leaned forward abruptly and took her hands. “Kerrianne, I know this isn’t the right time, but I think we have something good here, something lasting and powerful. Do you feel it?”
“Ryan, don’t.” She put a hand over his mouth to stop the flow of words, only to be startled when he kissed it. Unfortunately, it had the opposite effect from the one he’d intended. She started laughing.
“What?” he asked, sounding a little annoyed.
She giggled harder. “Maxine,” she gasped. “When you did that I remembered her and Harold. He asked her to marry him, but she said no because he only kisses her hand.”
“I can kiss you elsewhere,” he threatened.
Kerrianne jumped up from the couch. “Not today, you won’t.”
“Not today. But maybe you should ask the Man Upstairs about us, okay?”
Her smile vanished. “Maybe. Right now I’m tired, and I want to go to bed.” Tonight she’d put on Adam’s music and think about him. She owed him that much.
Ryan capitulated with good grace. As she watched him drive down the road, piled on either side by frozen, dirt-stained snow, she wondered what she was going to do. Was it really possible, as Maxine had said, to love someone with the same heart that still mourned another?
Or did she have to choose?
For the next half hour Kerrianne busied herself getting the children ready for bed, beating their eight o’clock bedtime by twenty minutes.
“Mom,” Misty said as she tucked her in, “Ria’s actually kind of fun. She said she’d teach me how to play baseball in the summer. I can never hit the ball.”
“I’m glad you two are getting along. I’m really proud of you for being nice. Ria needs a friend here.”
“I still don’t like Ryan.” Misty’s face turned bleak.
“Why?”
“I just don’t. You’re not going to marry him, are you? You love Daddy, not him.”
Kerrianne sighed. She was having enough emotional turmoil without Misty adding to her guilt. “I’m not going to marry anyone right now. It’s been a long day, sweetie. I need to go to bed.”
“Are you going to listen to Daddy’s music?”
“Yes.”
“Turn it up high so I can hear, okay?”
Kerrianne kissed her daughter’s forehead. “Okay.”
She checked again on the boys, but they slept soundly, worn out by their busy day.
Kerrianne took her time getting ready for bed. Usually, she would hurry on a day like today so she could spend time with Adam’s memory. But now her head was filled with Ryan, and because of that she doubted she would feel Adam’s presence. She considered praying about their relationship, as Ryan had asked her to do, but the truth was she didn’t want to drive Adam further away.
When she was in bed with the CD playing, she closed her eyes, willing herself to think and dream about Adam. As she suspected, she felt nothing of him. “Adam, I need you.” His face was blurry in her mind, so she reached for his photograph by the bed. But this wasn’t her Adam, not the way she wanted him. This Adam was a two-dimensional face instead of someone she had loved so very deeply.
Finally, she went downstairs to the TV and put in a video they’d taken five years ago on Christmas morning. There, she finally found the Adam she had loved. He tickled the boys and teased Misty, calling her princess. He played with their toys, making everyone laugh. Adam had delighted in Christmas even more than the children, and he’d been that way with every holiday. Always ready to hunt for eggs at Easter, the first to light fireworks on the Fourth of July, forever eager to show the children how the news programs tracked Santa’s sleigh.
This was her Adam. No, it was the person he had been. What had he been doing these past four years in heaven? What was he like now?
“Where are you, Adam?” she whispered, reaching out to touch his face. The TV screen held no warmth of his flesh. “Can’t you leave that stupid harp just for a minute? I miss you so much.”
Except that wasn’t as true as it had been last year and certainly not as true since she’d met Ryan. A cold sweat enveloped her body. She was losing even her tenuous connection with her husband. She’d never thought that could happen. Never. She’d felt him close for so long.
Then she knew. It was all because of Ryan. Maxine was wrong. She had to choose. And in that case there was really no choice at all.
“I love you,” she whispered to the image on the screen.
There was no answer.
Chapter Twenty-Three
On Friday afternoon, two days after the anniversary of Adam’s death, Kerrianne went to the temple for the sealing of Kevin and Mara to their parents, Amanda and Blake. Amanda, now six months along, was glowing with happiness. She and Blake stood together at the head of a table in the temple cafeteria where the family had come to eat after watching them be sealed as an eternal family.
“Thank you all for coming,” Amanda said. “This is a day we’ve been waiting for, and we are so grateful.”
Blake hugged his emotional wife and added with a grin, “Now, please, eat fast so we can get going. You may all have to stay in this frozen wasteland, but the surf and sand are awaiting us in Hawaii!”
“Your plane doesn’t leave for hours,” Mitch reminded him. He looked at Cory. “Honey, maybe we should set our next book in Hawaii. Think of all the beautiful photos you could take.”
Cory smiled, looking happier than she had since their first attempt at in-vitro had failed earlier in the month. “We’re going to China in February.” Though they hadn’t given up hope of having a child, they’d decided to adopt in the meantime, and China would be their first attempt. Cory was eager to get over there to see if there was any way she could expedite the long process.
“Right. How about after China?” Mitch said. “Maybe next year. We could adopt a baby in Hawaii, too. Then we’ll go to India. Hey, we’ll adopt a baby in every country.”
“Whoa!” Cory said. “One at a time!”
The family laughed, and Kerrianne tried to laugh with them. She really was happy for all of them. So why did she want to cry?
I miss Ryan, she thought.
What about Adam? I miss him, too. It was all so confusing.
“Just so you’ll be home before Christmas,” Jessica said.
Amanda nodded. “We will, Mom. Don’t worry.”
Kerrianne suddenly felt teary about having her sister leave for a whole week. What if she needed someone to talk to? She looked down at her plate and concentrated on eating. This was Amanda’s day, and she wasn’t going to spoil it. She did wish she had someone to confide in about her decision regarding Ryan. Maybe it would help to have her choice validated. But she didn’t dare tell any of them—she hadn’t even figured out how to tell Ryan yet.
“Hey, sis.”
She looked up at Tyler who was sitting next to her. He was almost back to normal, except when he glanced at his wife, and then the newlywed daze returned to his eyes.
“Hey,” she replied.
Tyler put his arm around her. “Where’s Ryan? I
thought he might be here.”
“He has work, you know.” No need telling him she hadn’t invited Ryan in the first place.
“Right. I’m glad you met him. Seems like a really nice guy.”
Kerrianne schooled her face not to show any emotion, in case her brother was able to emerge from his bubble of happiness long enough to detect her unrest. “Yes, he’s a really nice guy.”
Tyler turned back to his food, and Kerrianne felt relieved. She didn’t want him to see how desperately she wanted Ryan there by her side.
Ryan, not Adam.
That’s only because you know Adam can’t be here, she told herself. There’s nothing more to it than that.
Tonight she’d agreed to go out with Ryan. Tonight she would tell him good-bye.
* * *
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Ryan asked Ria. They were standing in the kitchen waiting for the baby-sitter to arrive. Ryan hadn’t felt this nervous since his first date when he was sixteen.
“I’m sure. Misty loves chocolate.”
Tiger looked up from the drawing he was coloring. “Everybody loves chocolate.”
“I still don’t know why she hates me.” Ryan wasn’t used to kids reacting that way. He could usually charm them all.
Ria smiled and leaned her elbows on the table. “She doesn’t exactly hate you. She talks nice about you sometimes. I tell her your good points.”
“Oh?” This was interesting. He sat at the table next to his daughter.
“Yeah. Like how you don’t make me do chores, and how I can watch TV after school and all day on Saturday if I want. And how we get to eat pizza all the time.”
Ryan groaned. “Did you say these things in front of Kerrianne?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Never mind. Look, you sure you two are okay with all of this?”
“Really sure,” Ria said.
Tiger nodded. “Me too. Caleb’s my best friend. I want him to be my brother. But where would we live?”
Ryan couldn’t answer. He’d been so sure even an hour ago that what he was planning to do was the right thing, but now he was having second thoughts—not about asking Kerrianne to marry him but worrying because she might say no.
She’d been more distant these past two days since the anniversary of Adam’s death. When he’d dropped off Tiger or picked up the kids after work, she’d kept busy working on crafts for the next day’s preschool activities or cleaning something. Though she was polite and friendly to him, and they shared a lot of laughs with the children, there seemed to be a growing expanse between them personally. Or was it all in his imagination? It was hard to know with Kerrianne. He’d learned that she kept a lot inside.
Today she hadn’t even been there when he’d picked up the kids. Maxine was at the house baby-sitting and reminded him that she’d gone to the temple for her niece and nephew’s sealing. Though he wouldn’t have been able to get off for the event, he wished she’d at least asked him to attend. More than anything that signaled to him that all wasn’t as it should be between them.
He’d bought the ring in the hopes that showing her how serious he was about them might change the tide. Earlier in the week, she’d agreed to go out with him, so he was taking her to The Roof restaurant at the top of the Joseph Smith Memorial Building in Salt Lake where he hoped to pop the question. It would be the first time in more than a week that they’d been alone for any length of time.
There was more to his excitement than his pending proposal. Today, he’d been offered a job as a supervisor at the post office. The offer included a nice raise and the same hours, so he could be with his kids as much as before, and he wouldn’t have to move to another office. The new position meant no more cold days in the open or burning hot ones in the summer. He’d miss the nice days, of course, the exercise, and seeing the people on his route, but he was ready for the next challenge in his life. The mail, even Kerrianne’s, didn’t need him anymore, and he didn’t need it.
The doorbell rang, signaling the baby-sitter’s arrival from two houses down. “You guys be good now, okay?”
“Good luck, Dad!” Ria gave him a surprisingly strong punch to the arm.
“Yeah, good luck,” echoed Tiger.
Minutes later, Ryan was inching at a snail’s pace through the driving snow. He knew how Kerrianne felt about traveling in bad weather and hoped the snow would lighten up before they left her house, or the Point of the Mountain would be terrible to pass. He wondered if she always worried about car accidents the way he worried about going to the doctor.
Benjamin and Caleb opened the door, both giving him an exuberant hug. Ryan felt a rush of love for the boys. Neither could remember much about their father, and they’d accepted him practically without reservation. It was only Misty and Kerrianne he had to convince.
“Mom’s still getting ready,” Benjamin said, eyeing the sizeable box of wrapped chocolates in Ryan’s hand.
“That’s okay. Hey, is Misty here?”
Benjamin pointed vaguely. “She’s with Lexi in the family room watching a video.”
“Lexi’s going to baby-sit us,” Caleb told him. “She’s spending the night.”
“Look, you two run and ask Misty to come here for a minute, okay?”
“Wait,” Ryan said as they started to leave. “I almost forgot. Look what Tiger and I found at the store today.” He pulled a couple of miniature Matchbox cars from the pocket of his coat, still in their packaging.
“Wow!” Benjamin said. “Thanks, Ryan! I’ve been looking for this one. They’re always sold out.”
Caleb gripped his and jumped up and down. “Can we open them?”
“Sure, go ahead. But, quick, get your sister before your mom comes down. I’ll wait right here.”
Misty came to the entryway a few seconds later, a wary but expectant look in her eyes; she’d seen the boys’ cars and knew he likely had something for her, too. It wasn’t the first time. Only the day before he’d brought her new Polly Pocket doll clothes to finally replace the outfit Ria had ruined weeks ago. This is bribery, Ryan thought. Plain and simple. Well, he wasn’t above bribery if it meant getting Misty to open up to him.
“I brought you something,” he said, extending the box.
“Why?”
“Because I thought you might like it.”
“Thank you.”
“Aren’t you going to open it?”
She ripped the paper with several delicate motions. Unlike Ria, she was always graceful—a lot like her mom.
“It’s chocolates,” she said, her voice sounding warmer.
“Three whole pounds.”
“I never had a whole box before.” She studied him a moment and then let her gaze drop again to the chocolates. “Thanks,” her voice was quiet.
“I hope you enjoy them.” His words were followed by a rather awkward silence. He wondered how to tell Misty it was okay to leave, that she didn’t have to stand there thinking of things to say.
“I’m sorry I’m late.” Kerrianne appeared in the entryway behind Misty.
Ryan was utterly relieved.
“What’s this?” Kerrianne asked, seeing the box. “Chocolates?”
“They’re for Misty.” As he stared at Kerrianne, Ryan felt his heart in his throat. She was wearing wide, flowing black pants that looked like a skirt, topped by a blue metallic fitted top that emphasized her narrow waistline. Her hair was swept up on top, revealing her lovely neck and giving the outfit a sense of formalness. She was beautiful.
“The boys got a car,” Misty said.
“You didn’t need to bring them presents,” Kerrianne chided gently, touching his arm and sending a warmth that traveled clear through his thick coat.
“It was nothing.” He put a hand over hers, savoring the softness. “We were at the store and saw the cars, that’s all. I knew Benjamin had been searching for that particular one. They were less than a buck each.”
Kerrianne grinned. “You mean you foun
d the car? Oh, thank you! I was worried that I’d never find it.”
Misty had been edging toward the far end of the entryway. Kerrianne walked over and gave her a kiss. “Let me just say good-bye to the boys. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s okay,” Ryan said, hoping the rest of the night went according to plan. “I’ll wait.”
* * *
Kerrianne was glad the snow had stopped coming down so furiously. The air felt heavy and almost warm, which Kerrianne suspected meant more snow coming later that night. Though the smaller roads were layered with tightly packed wet snow, the main roads had been cleared by a snowplow and gleamed a shiny black under the headlights. It really didn’t matter. Kerrianne had no fear in Ryan’s truck. Not only did it have four-wheel drive but it was large enough to withstand a lot of impact in case of an accident, unlike the compact car Adam had driven.
She shook the thoughts away. Tonight wasn’t going to be easy, and she had to keep her wits about her. She had to convince Ryan that she wanted only to be friends.
She’d never been to The Roof before and was amazed at the lovely view of the Salt Lake Temple spires across from them and the formal atmosphere of the entire restaurant. Ryan had drinks brought to them in beautiful champagne glasses. There was crushed ice at the bottom and a fruity flavor that tickled her tongue. Though she was enjoying herself much more than she had a right to, she almost wished he hadn’t brought her here. The meal was obviously expensive and what she had to say was better fitted for something less costly. She’d tried to tell him yesterday, and even today when he’d dropped off Tiger, but the words wouldn’t leave her throat. With a sinking feeling she realized they probably wouldn’t come tonight either. But I have to stop leading him on, she thought. I have to tell him sometime.
Ryan observed her with more than his usual intensity. She tried to breathe naturally, but her chest was suddenly so tight she felt like gasping for breath. Why was he acting so strangely? Kerrianne barely tasted the marvelous food as she wondered what was bothering him. Had he also realized it simply wouldn’t work between them? Was this meant to be their farewell dinner? The thought brought an impossibly large lump to her throat. She could never remember afterward exactly what she had eaten.
Huntington Family Series Page 115