“He deserves it.”
Zoe’s words were simple but they said everything. I watched as she toyed with the diamond ring that hung on a gold chain around her neck. I’d never seen it before, but she was adamant it was coming with us tonight. So much so that even though we’d already driven twenty minutes down the road when she realized she’d left it behind, she started hyperventilating until I agreed to turn the car around and go back for it. I didn’t have to ask to know who’d given it to her. The way she stared at it, so full of pain and love, there was no need.
“That he does,” Derek added as he dropped a chaste kiss on Zoe’s forehead. She closed her eyes and sighed, leaning into him.
“Thank you, Derek.”
“What for?”
“Everything. You…you saved me. Even when I didn’t want to be saved. You’ve protected me from everything and everyone, even myself for so long. I know I’ll never be able to repay you for giving up your life for me, but you need to know if I could, I would. I love you, Derek Cartwright. You’re a good man. You deserve to be happy…”
Derek dropped his hold on me and suddenly I felt cold and alone as I watched Derek yank Zoe into his arms and crush her to his chest. “I love you too, Pippi. Nothing and no one will ever change that.” It was a promise. A promise I couldn’t compete with. I wouldn’t.
Chapter 35
Derek
I held Zoe as close as I could, never wanting to let go. I couldn’t believe she was really here. Especially tonight. I’d always known this girl had balls, but I had no idea how big they were. Making the decision to show up tonight couldn’t have been easy. Hell, I’d debated coming myself for weeks. Then I’d battled the decision on whether to tell Zoe what was going on. She looked stunning. Like she was trying to impress someone. Or everyone. Maybe she was just trying to convince herself that the old Zoe, the one Spencer loved with everything he was, was still in there somewhere. That the fierce, determined woman he knew and loved may have been hibernating for a while, but she was back.
And she was wearing his ring.
“Derek?”
Spinning around, I came face to face with Jenna. She had a sneaky smile playing on her lips. Everything suddenly made sense. She’d changed her mind about me picking her up because she was with Zoe. For a brief moment I wanted to be annoyed that they’d kept me in the dark, but with both women standing before me, despite the tears in their eyes, they looked…okay. They may not be happy, but they weren’t broken either. They say time heals all wounds, and maybe they were right. None of us would ever forget Spencer. We’d never forget that one night when everything changed. But we’d be okay. In the end, we’d survived.
“Yeah, Jenna?”
“Why don’t you leave Zoe with me for a while and go find Mia? I think she could use a friend right about now.”
Shit! I hadn’t even noticed she was no longer there with us. One minute she was in my grasp and now I had no idea. Fuck, I was a moron sometimes. I needed to find her. She shouldn’t be alone here. She didn’t know anyone. Hell, she’d driven all this way to be here tonight for Zoe, I couldn’t just abandon her. But I didn’t want to leave Zoe right now. I couldn’t.
She must have sensed my reluctance to leave her side. “Derek, I’m fine. It’s time for you to put yourself first and go get your girl.”
“Wh-what are you saying, Zoe?”
She smirked at me. Bitch! “What I’m saying, Derek, is that even though I love you and I always will, it’s time for you to get your happy ending. Mine will come, or it won’t. And that’s okay. But I refuse to be selfish a moment longer. I’ve seen the way Mia lights you up. Even now, I say her name and your eyes burn a little brighter. I’m okay. So go. Go find your girl.”
I was stunned. Zoe had managed to call me out on all the bullshit going on in my head in one fell swoop. “Are…y-you…sure?” I stuttered. It was embarrassing.
I looked up at the ceiling, and sucked in a deep breath before I let my eyes settle back on Zoe. Stubbornness was set in her face. I wouldn’t win this one. I knew that. Bending down, I kissed her cheek before repeating the motion with Jenna.
“Come on, Zoe, let’s get a drink.
I watched as they moved through the throng of people. Zoe threw a glance over her shoulder at me and smiled. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen a smile like that light up her face. Maybe she wasn’t lying. Maybe she really would be okay. It might not be today or tomorrow, but eventually she’d be happy again. When she mouthed the simple, single word ‘Go’ at me, I remembered what I was supposed to be doing. Mia.
Scouring the room, I huffed when I couldn’t see her. It took a moment longer than I was happy about, but then I remembered who I was looking for. This wasn’t just any girl. This was Mia. My Mia. I knew exactly where she’d be.
In a few long strides I pushed open the heavy glass doors and stepped out into the night. It was darker out here than I liked, but it was to be expected. The few light posts in the car park were fading. Resisting the urge to call out to her, my legs started to carry me in the direction of the stands.
There she was. All alone, looking like an angel.
She was sitting halfway up the steps, with the moon behind her. She was leaning back on her elbows, her eyes shut, her face tipped towards the sky. It was the most peaceful, most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.
Not wanting to startle her, I called out, “Mia.”
She sat up like a shot, her face filled with fear. It crushed me. I didn’t want to be responsible for putting it there. The idea alone made me feel like punching something.
It took a moment before she acknowledged me. “Derek. What are you doing out here? I mean…Zoe…”
I held up my hand, cutting her off. The last thing she needed to be worried about right now was Zoe. “Zoe’s fine. She’s inside with Jenna. That one’s tougher than I realized.”
“I could’ve told you that.”
“I probably wouldn’t have believed you.”
“Probably not.”
I was amazed by the words coming from my mouth. Mia had this power over me that removed the filter between my brain and my mouth. Somehow she made talking about the heavy shit that filled my head, easy. Bearable even.
“So…”
“So…”
“What are you doing out here, Derek? You should be inside with your friends. Your family.”
I wasn’t about to let her push me away. I may not know Mia’s every secret yet, but I knew her well enough to know that this was her default setting. If someone was getting a little too close to the truth, too close to making her feel something she didn’t want to feel, something she wasn’t ready to deal with, she’d pull away, as far and fast as possible. Not tonight. Tonight I wasn’t letting her go anywhere.
Cupping her face in my hands, I looked into her eyes, not letting her glance away. “I’m right where I should be.”
“Oh.”
She folded. It was as quick and as painless as that.
Without thinking, I dropped on the cold, aluminium bench seat and pulled her into my lap, wrapping my arms around her tiny waist. When she wiggled her bony bum on my thighs, I couldn’t stop the groan from escaping, earning me a deliciously devilish giggle.
“You’re a witch woman. You know that?” I reprimanded as menacingly as I could with a shit-eating grin plastered across my face.
“Yeah, but you love me anyway,” she retorted without missing a beat.
Burrowing my face against her neck, I realized how incredible she smelt. I had no idea what it was, it was something I’d never smelt before, but I knew that no matter where I went, it was a scent I’d never forget. A scent I’d always associate with Mia. “Yeah, I do,” I admitted as I pulled back and looked into her eyes.
We sat for a while just us two, alone in the night. When she shivered, I pulled off my jacket and draped it over her shoulders. Even though it covered up all of that deliciously sexy skin, to me she’d never looked more beautif
ul. Maybe it was because while she wore my jacket she was claimed as mine. Mine. The thought of Mia being mine did things to me that right now, it was not the best time for.
“So, are you going to tell me or am I going to have to drag it out of you?”
Bewildered, I looked up into her face. With her face full of makeup, she was dangerously sexy, but then again, I’d seen her without it all and she was just as hazardous. “Drag what out of me?”
“Come on, Derek. Don’t play dumb. It really doesn’t suit you. When were you planning on telling me, and Zoe, for that matter, that you’re moving back here? Do you think we wouldn’t support you?”
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! She knows. I don’t know how or if she’d spoken to Zoe about it, but I didn’t like it. It wasn’t like I wasn’t going to tell them, I was just waiting until the right time. Until I had all the details finalized. That’s what I’d been doing while I was here. Figuring it all out.
“I was going to tell you, you know.”
“I know you would have. Eventually. But why the big secret?”
“It wasn’t a secret exactly. I just, fuck…I just didn’t want to say anything until it was all sorted out. And…”
“And what?”
“And I’m a chicken shit, okay? Zoe’s doing so well. I didn’t want to fuck that up.”
“You’re right about one thing, Zoe’s doing well. She’s healing Derek. Isn’t that what you wanted? She’s always going to love Spencer and she’ll always miss him, but she’s doing her best to move on. She wouldn’t want you stuck in the same place, thinking you can’t do the same. Frankly, if she had any idea of what you just said she’d kick your ass.”
“Yeah, she probably would.”
“And she’d do a fantastic job of it. After all, I trained her.” Mia looked so pleased with herself. “So, tell me the rest.”
“The rest?”
“Yep, the rest of it. Get it all off your chest right now. We’re the only people out here and I want to know it all.”
“You sure?” I wasn’t. The things I needed to say might terrify the girl. Frankly the feelings I was fighting would scare anyone to death. Especially the one girl, the one woman who was inspiring them.
“Hit me with it.” There was a challenge there. I knew it was fake. She was putting on a front. Pretending to be ready for whatever. I felt it in her body. She was tense. Holding every muscle tight, ready to spring away at any moment.
I took a deep breath then let it go, all the words went with it. I told Mia about the job which would start in three weeks. That I’d be moving back into the house next to the station. I explained exactly what I’d be doing and how long the contract would be. I confessed my fears at telling Zoe and then leaving her. I told her about the incident with the cutting, although she wasn’t entirely surprised by that one. I told her about Spencer and our dreams for this town. And I talked about Kane. He was a sore point. A regret I’d never be able to let go. I wish I could have done more to help him. I knew something was up, but I’d never pushed. Now his life would never be the same. Part of me felt responsible for it all. It happened on my watch and they were my best friends. My brothers. Nothing would ever be the same again.
“You’ll be amazing, Derek. I believe that.”
“You really do, don’t you?”
“Of course.”
I couldn’t help it. God himself couldn’t stop me. I bent forward and pressed my lips to hers. At first Mia was stiff, unwavering, but only for a brief second. Before I realized what was happening, she became an enthusiastic participant, and when she traced the seam of my lips with her tongue, I took over and dominated the kiss.
I don’t know how long we sat there making out under the stars. It was the best five minutes or five hours of my life. I didn’t want to let Mia go. She’d crawled so far under my skin, she was never coming out. Not that I wanted her out. I wanted her exactly where she was. Okay, maybe a little to the left so the snake in my pants could breathe.
“Come with me, Mia.”
Even though I’d had every intention of asking Mia to move with me, I’d planned on being much more suave than that. Blurting it out wasn’t what I’d planned, but now the words were out there I couldn’t take them back. I didn’t really want to.
She pulled back slightly, loosening her grip on my shoulders, and looked into my eyes. “Wh-what did you say?”
I gulped. I didn’t want to repeat myself. But for Mia, for her I’d do anything. A thought that should have scared the shit out of me, instead calmed me. “Move back with me. Let’s try this. You and me. Let’s give it a shot. I know I’m asking a lot, and if I thought for a minute I could stay in Melbourne, then I would, but I need to stop running away and come home. It’s time for me to face this. And I don’t want to do that without you by my side.” The words came out thick and fast.
“Derek, you don’t even know me…”
“I want to, Mia. More than anything, I want to. But I can’t do that if we’re living in different places with different lives. And I won’t ask you to wait for me. That’s not fair to either of us. Not when I can’t see me ever coming back.”
“You’re never…never coming back?”
I saw her face fill with pain and sadness. My stomach turned over at the realization I’d been the ass who hurt her. If it had been anyone else, I’d happily kick their ass or throw them in the cells for a couple of hours, but I couldn’t do that to myself.
“I’ll be back to visit, but I can’t imagine I’ll ever stay. This is my home. Sure, it hurts like a bitch, but this is where I belong. Where I want to build my life. Where I want to raise my kids. The place where I want a future. A future that includes you, Mia. I want you. And I can’t foresee a time when that won’t be the case.”
Chapter 36
Mia
Derek was saying all the right words. Promising all the right things. All the things I’d dreamt about. All the things I thought I’d never have. A love. A future. A family. It broke my fucking heart. I didn’t want to tell him, but I owed him that much. I hoped I’d never have to. It was the reason I was who I was. If I didn’t ever get close to anyone, then the secret would be my burden to carry. Carrying it alone was exactly as you could imagine. Painful. Heavy. Lonely. But confessing, telling Derek the whole truth, could hurt me even worse.
“Can you say something? Please?”
The neediness in his voice was unmistakable. It hurt my heart. It was more than hurt though. It shattered it. Derek obviously pictured a life for us. Together. And I couldn’t give it to him. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t. He deserved everything in life. He’d already suffered so much heartbreak and pain, I couldn’t, I wouldn’t be responsible for inflicting any more.
It took some reluctant wiggling, but I managed to unwind his arms from around me and get on my feet. If I was going to break him, I needed the space to do it. Wrapping my arms around me, I snuggled into his jacket that was still draped over my shoulders. It was so big and warm, and it smelt like him. Like cinnamon and summer nights and man. Sniffing the collar, I held on to the moment for as long as I could manage. Inside my head, I could hear the ticking time bomb of us running out.
“It sounds…like an incredible offer, Derek.”
“But?”
I hated that he could read me so well. He knew there was a ‘but’ coming before I’d even formed the words. “But I’m not what you want.” He opened his mouth to object but somehow I managed to silence him with only a look. “You need to do this. You deserve good things in your life, Derek, and I want them for you. I’m just not…I’m not it.”
He leapt to his feet and towered over me. I should have been afraid. No one knew where I was, I was standing in the dark, no one around, with a guy who if he wanted to me could crush me with his hands. If it was anyone else I know I would have been. It was Derek though. He’d never hurt me. Not physically anyway.
“Bullshit, Mia! You’re exactly what I want. You’re it. I don’t know where this cra
p is coming from, but I’ll tell you this right now and you better hear me. You’re it. You’re everything. You’re my future. My family. You mightn’t know it right now, but I sure as shit do.”
His outburst only ended when he kissed me. It was a kiss unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. It was demanding, dominant and a complete turn on. With one simple kiss he’d turned my mind to mush and my legs to jelly. As quickly as it had started though, he pulled away and stomped down the steps heading back towards the party, leaving me standing there alone and dumbstruck.
I watched him go and my heart sunk. Even though I knew I’d done the right thing, it didn’t make it hurt any less. A tear escaped, and a moment later I was hunched over sobbing pathetically. I don’t know where they’d come from and fuck if I knew how to stop them. Big fat salty tears, threatening to drown me.
Upending my bag onto the seat beside me, I foraged about until my fingers wrapped around my phone. I needed someone to tell me I was doing the right thing. That breaking both our hearts was, in the end, the best thing for us. Quickly I dialled Josie. She was the one person who could possibly understand. Probably the only person.
“Mia?” her voice wasn’t right. It was shaky and weak.
“Josie?”
“Hey there. What’s up?”
“Did I wake you?”
“Yeah. I must have fallen asleep on the couch. Are you okay, you don’t sound so great.”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” The lie tasted terrible as I spurted it.
“No, you’re not. What’s wrong?” She knew. Josie always knew. We mightn’t always see each other, but neither time nor distance could take away the bond we shared. It was both a blessing and a curse.
Through heavy tears and gut-wrenching sobs I told Josie everything. Somehow she managed to extract words from me I didn’t even know were there.
“Do you love him, Mia?”
Her words were like a punch in the gut. It was a simple yes-no question. I should have a simple answer. I should be able to answer it. I knew the answer. In my heart, I knew. I just didn’t want to admit it. Not to Josie. Not to myself. And certainly not to the man who had the power to destroy me.
Running Away (Finding Your Place Book 2) Page 22