by E. R. Frank
“Shut up.”
“I just want to help,” I say.
He throws his pillow at me. “Yeah,” he goes. “I know.”
• • •
I still haven’t looked at the memorial Web site for Cameron. Frances and I talk some about it and do some EMDR, and it’s not bad the way it used to be, but I don’t want to click the final click. I don’t want to read what everybody has to say about Cameron and how she’s not here. The screaming, stopped, doesn’t haunt me the way it used to. It doesn’t haunt me at all, actually, but the sadness isn’t something you can buzz away. It’s just sad, and even though I know it’s not my fault, it’s still sad.
So it’s not like you live happily ever after. It doesn’t work that way. You still have bad dreams sometimes, only instead of waking up drenched and shouting, it’s more like you wake up really tired in the morning, feeling that sadness and thinking, That was so awful. That was such an awful thing that happened. It’s not like my mother doesn’t still spend tons of time up in her study and my dad doesn’t yell at all of us for little things. It’s just more that none of it feels as terrifying and out of control. As lonely.
Mostly you realize you can handle it. You’d rather turn it all upside down and dump it out and watch it scatter and disappear. You’d rather do that, because you don’t want to have to handle it. You really don’t. It’s too stupid and crazy and incredibly, incredibly unfair.
But you do handle it. Because the thing you learn is that you can.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
The author gratefully acknowledges and warmly thanks:
Dr. Bennett S. Burns, Dr. Steven Covici, Dr. Mark Klion, and Dr. Kevin J. Mickey for their speedy and thorough courses in ophthalmology and orthopedics;
Gina Colelli for accepting endless requests for information and assistance, and for her sensitive supervision of EMDR;
Ann Griffin for making AP biology a surprising pleasure;
Richard Jackson for encouraging without pushing, and then patiently waiting;
Stephen Lucas for his love, support, and band names;
Dr. Tanya Lucas for her medical expertise and for connecting me with Dr. Covici and Dr. Burns;
Amy Rosenblum for suggesting that Grandma be calmed down and Dad be kept on the beach;
Dr. William Rosenblum for catching blood-alcohol level inaccuracies;
Charlotte Sheedy for so readily supporting the path I requested; and Mike and Anna Stewart for connecting me with Dr. Klion.
Table of Contents
Cover Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Before
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Acknowledgments