Rhodri was lurking near the door with an expectant glint in his eye. He was looking remarkably clean, his hair was brushed back and his untanned forehead, where his fringe usually flopped in his eyes, contrasted sharply with his brown cheeks. I had the impulse to ruffle his fringe and pull it down into his eyes again. Without the usual growth of dark beard his jaw seemed square and strong and his lips invitingly moist. He seemed both different and the same and my newfound confidence leeched away in the face of this familiar stranger.
‘Lady,’ he bowed slightly, leaving a chaste kiss on the back of my hand, ‘tis good to have you back among us.’
Following him into the hall, I said nothing, letting my eyes revel for a while in the sight of him. He looked very young and, as I followed him into the hall, I blurted out, ‘How old are you, Rhodri?’
With raised brows he turned and replied, ‘I am nineteen years, Lady.’
His dependability and self-assurance had made me suppose him older. Taking the cup of mead that he offered, I sat upon a stool and reached to take Maredudd from Heulwen’s arms.
‘Will you not greet your brother, Rhodri? He has much to thank you for … as do I.’ He came close and squatted down beside us, offering the child a finger which the babe clutched, his digits miniscule beside Rhodri’s.
‘He has grown Lady. Although ‘tis little more than a month since I saw him, I would not take him for the same child. His hair is darker I believe or perchance thicker.’
‘He thrives upon his mother’s own milk, that’s why. He’s growing like a weaner. I never saw such an appetite.’ interjected Anwen, who’s chair had been carried down to the hall. I saw Rhodri’s eyes flicker to my breast and his brief, hot glance brought a rush of warmth to my own face. Dipping my head, I let my veil fall forward to hide my blushes.
‘I see no harm in nursing him myself in his father’s absence; it cannot inconvenience Gruffydd at all and it keeps Heulwen free to see to Idwal’s needs.’
Rhodri retrieved his finger and stood up.
‘He is a fine child, Lady, his father will be proud and ‘tis a fine name you have chosen.’
My smile was brilliant; he did realise why I had chosen it. Relaxed, I let him see the full force of my feelings and beamed upon the company like an idiot as they roared a toast unto the health of the new prince.
Rhodri and I were unable to find time alone but at first that didn’t matter, as long as I was near him I was happy and I honestly did not plan a carnal affair.
There were too many risks for one in my position and, besides, Rhodri did not want to foist a bastard onto his own father. I knew our feelings for each other were wrong, even to steal the little innocent loving that we did at that time was sinful but I had known such little joy in my life and I was still so very young.
I am making excuses but, if the truth be told, a few moments in his company filled me with enough joys to compensate for the miseries heaped upon me by his father. It sounds ridiculous to say so and I can only blame my youth, but his voice turned my stomach upside down and the slightest touch sent the strength from my limbs.
Anwen was a godsend; both a chaperone and a conspirator, she allowed us quick snatches of intimacy that left me heady but satisfied… for a while. Like most good intentions, they did not last and things swiftly grew out of control.
In the privacy of my chamber, Idwal and the babe slept and Anwen sat on her stool overseeing Heulwen as she folded linen and smoothed my gowns and put them away in the clothes press. Rhodri and I sat, almost touching, by the fireside whispering silliness, every so often allowing our hands to accidentally brush or our knees to meet. The air grew thick with our lusty longing and, accordingly, Anwen came to our rescue.
‘Heulwen,’ she said, ‘help me to the privy and then send down for some more wine will you. We wont be a jiffy, Lady.’
The moment they were gone we were up and in each other’s arms, his lips on my neck and his hands at my breast. Devoid of breath, I panted as he explored the contents of my bodice and then, hearing a noise, he released me and I sat down abruptly on my stool.
‘Eadgyth.’ he groaned, ‘I have to have you soon. I can think of nothing else.’
‘I know,’ I replied, sounding as though I had been running, ‘but we can’t, what if there should be a child?’
‘There are ways to avoid it, I have spoken to Ogwen, the wise woman in the village, and she says there are ways.’
‘I am afraid, Rhodri.’
‘Of Gruffydd? He is far away. He would never suspect anything like that of us, he thinks me still a boy and, such is his conceit, he would never dream that you might betray him.’
‘I didn’t mean I was afraid of Gruffydd. It is damnation that troubles me. What we plan is incest, Rhodri. Adultery and treason. A three fold sin against God, we could burn for it.’
He stood up and pulled me to face him.
‘Isn’t it better to burn in the hereafter than to burn like this now … say you will come to me, Eadgyth, say I can have you.’
I pulled away.
‘I can’t, Rhodri. I can’t plan it. Don’t you see? I want to be with you and, if it should come upon us sudden, I could perhaps succumb to the sin, but I cannot sit here and plan it with you in cold blood.’
He was still for a moment and then continued as if I had not spoken.
‘Anwen will help us, I have already spoken with her. If you can put yourself in her care she will bring me to you when the time is ripe.’
This was too intense, I tried to back away, it was all too real and too frightening, the enormity of what we proposed, the risk we took even being alone and talking like this together. Dragging my eyes to meet his I nodded silently and he pulled me from my stool into his arms again, planting an almost brutal kiss on my dry lips.
‘I will send word,’ he said, ‘look to Anwen for guidance.’
I turned away to stare into the flames. I heard him leave the room and, as the door closed and Maredudd stirred in his cradle, I did not move. There are no excuses, although I constantly seek them in my mind, there is no escaping the fact that we sinned, against Gruffydd, against the church and against God. But, I tell you true, if I had known how sweet that sinning would be, I would never have fought against it for so long.
The chamber was warm; Anwen was closeted behind a screen in the far corner where she promised to be both deaf and blind to everything. Rhodri had fixed a stout lock upon the inside of the door and there was a small table with wine and wafers and a pile of furs and cushions upon the bed. Long after dusk had fallen I stood with my heart banging like a war drum listening as Rhodri drew the bolts. He came up close behind me and my knees threatened to give way as he slid his arms about my waist, burrowing his face in my hair.
‘Eadgyth,’ he murmured, ‘Cariad, I cannot believe we are really here.’
‘Well, here we are.’ I replied, my voice husky in the semi-darkness.
I could have run away but, even then, things had already gone too far; already I had sinned enough to deserve incarceration in a nunnery. Knowing I should draw back, it seemed I heard Morcar’s cynical voice in my head, ‘Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb,’ and so, turning into the axis of his arms, I raised my face for Rhodri’s kiss.
He did not hurry, his lips were languid and his tongue firm as it probed mine. Every thought was driven from my head other than the delight of him. I forgot my position, my children and my husband and traded all that I had for a few short, sweet hours in his arms.
He pulled the cord at the neck of my bed gown sharply and, loosening the gathering about my neck, let the fabric trickle down my body to lie, in a puddle, about my feet. Then he stood back and looked at me, appreciation writ clear upon his face.
‘No, don’t,’ I protested, ‘I’m too fat.’
He laughed softly,
‘Oh, Lady, you are not fat. Envys the cook is fat. You, Lady … are magnificent,’ and, as he spoke, he began to stroke my breast and, just as he had soothe
d away the pain of my labour, so he now rubbed delight into every inch of me.
The soft light of dawn was leavening night’s dark before I heard Anwen stir in her corner and Rhodri, his hair tousled and his beard fresh upon his chin, crept away. Like a sluggard, I lay abed for most of the day, reliving every instance of the precious night. When I finally rose and went down to supper I was certain that everyone would see that I had changed in some indefinable way.
In February we learned that Gruffydd had chased ap Iago back to Ireland and expected no more trouble from him. The news came from Alys who had sent news of the birth of a daughter whom she had named Eadgyth in my honour.
She said that Gruffydd had stayed at Dinefwr with them for the past few months and planned to travel home soon. It was typical that I should learn of his plans through another; I imagined him at Dinefwr, continuing his dalliance with the black haired wench no doubt. Not that I cared for, cushioned in my fool’s paradise, I was happy that he should do as he wished, just so long as he remained far, far away from Rhuddlan.
Toddling all around now, Idwal was the darling of the llys. Heulwen began to wean him and, his teeth being fine and strong, he began to eat solid food and, quite often, inedible things that would have been best left undiscovered upon the floor.
We had some fine kid shoes fashioned for him and he loved them, laughing in glee as he stomped about in pursuit of the dogs. Rhodri made a great fuss of the children, throwing Idwal into the air and catching him again. I could not bear to watch lest he fall, but the toddler loved it, shrieking with delight and snatching at his brother’s hair as he flew past.
Rhodri shrunk from acknowledging my children as his brothers but I refused to let him forget it. Everyday, at the back of my mind, was the knowledge that Gryffydd would, one day, return and Rhodri would no longer be able to treat his father’s family as his own.
The April sun was unusually warm and someone suggested we ride to the coast for the afternoon to gather shellfish. We all bundled into cloaks and Anwen and Heulwen fetched bags while Rhodri saw that the ponies were saddled.
Twthill was splendid in the sunshine, Y Ddraig Goch, the red dragon banner, snapped in the breeze above the palace as we rode sedately toward the sea. Including the children, we were a company of twelve and we made a gay party as we sang and laughed, the roar of the sea drawing us toward our destination.
A bracing wind blew in from the west and the surf rolled up the golden sands, the sky devoid of all but the lightest cloud. Settling myself, out of the wind on the beach with Anwen and Heulwen, I watched as Rhodri took Idwal down to the water’s edge. I smiled to see them wading, hand in hand, through the shallow water. Every time a big wave came Rhodri hoisted the child up into his arms to save him from a soaking. Idwal’s high-pitched laughter floated up the beach and mingled with the cry of the gulls that soared overhead. The rest of the party sat in groups, somebody had lit a fire and others had hunted for cockles and oysters to cook. Heulwen shaded Maredudd’s delicate head from the glare of the sun with her kerchief and I lay back and looked at the sky, feeling so happy that I wondered I did not simply float away.
When I awoke everyone was gathered about the fire and Rhodri was nowhere to be seen. I got up and whispered to Anwen that I was going into the sand dunes and to keep everyone away. I lifted my skirts and wandered barefoot across the warm sand until I was out of sight of the main party, then I raised my gown and squatted, urinating copiously on the ground.
As I stood up Rhodri emerged from the opposite direction,
‘I would have coughed,’ he teased, ‘but I thought it would startle you.’
‘Did you see?’ I demanded.
‘No, of course not,’ he lied, taking my hand and leading me further into the dunes, away from the laughter on the beach to a sheltered nest where the maram grass grew upon the sandy mounds. Pulling me to my knees he began to loosen my gown.
‘Rhodri. What about the others? We may be seen.’
‘No, trust me, we wont; it is quite safe. Besides they won’t dare disturb my lady at her toilette.’
He eased me back into the sand and, after a moment, I relaxed to enjoy the warm kiss of the sun upon my breasts while his eager fingers crept up my skirts to discover further secrets. I was easily won and my knees moved apart to grant him easier access. His fingers grew moist and a moan escaped me as he transferred his lips from my mouth to my breast where, depriving Maredudd of nourishment, he pulled gently, suckling like a babe.
We forgot about the others on the beach and, afterward, lay naked in the sun, the sound of the surf and the gulls lulling us into a happy dream. That afternoon of sunshine with him was the absolute zenith of my life’s happiness. When I emerged from the dunes, some half an hour later, my breasts were still burning from his kisses and my hair was scat about my head like a wild woman’s. My gown was creased and daubed with damp patches but I descended from those dunes like a goddess.
‘Lady.’ cried Anwen when she saw me, ‘you fell asleep again. I followed you after a while to make sure you were well and you were sleeping like a baby. Look at your gown all scat asunder.’ she lied, brushing at the sand that clung to my damp skirts while I twiddled the ends of my hair and stared about me in a happy trance.
It was sometime later that I saw Rhodri slip back into the group and we both liked to think that nobody noticed. We would have liked to stay feasting on the beach, drinking wine from the skins brought from the llys but, when the pile of empty shells were piled high about us and the sun had begun its descent into the west, we collected our things together and made our way back home.
It was not until we had trotted over the bridge and into the llys that we realised Gruffydd had returned. Still mired from the road, he was sprawled in his favourite chair by the hearth, the men of the teulu gathered about him. He let out a huge roar as we entered, ‘And where the hell have you all been gallivanting.’
I wanted to vomit for I knew, as I stood there with Rhodri’s seed still damp upon my thigh, that come nightfall, I must lay with his father.
It was a cruel four months. Once more in the uncomfortable role of stepmother, I found myself tongue tied and embarrassed in Rhodri’s presence. When I saw his angry eyes linger on the marks that Gruffydd’s roughness left upon my neck, I felt shamed at my betrayal of him.
Since his return my husband had taken to coupling with me nightly, he was relentless in his attentions and now that I knew how sweet love could be, it was harder to bear.
I lay, convulsed with disgust beneath him as he strained to a climax, throwing back his sinewy neck, his haggard face suffused with blood until, sweating and noxious, he dropped down upon me. I turned my face from him, hardly able to wait calmly for his withdrawal.
All sympathy I may have previously felt for him had ebbed away and I felt no guilt for my adultery. I was fearful of being discovered and felt no small terror for the incestuous nature of our alliance but, deep down, I was convinced that such, sweet passion could surely not be wrong.
Gruffydd’s attentions began to take their toll and I took less care of my appearance. The only comfort I found at that time was in the brief glance of support that Rhodri occasionally managed to cast in my direction. I became so steeped in misery that I thanked God with all my heart on the first morning that I vomited and knew that I was again with child.
Relieved that his visits to my chamber would now cease, I lost no time in seeking out Gruffydd to give him the news. I found him with the farrier examining the damaged foreleg of his favourite warhorse. When he saw me he raised his eyebrows but said nothing, forcing me to wait in the farmyard while he completed his business.
‘Well, well, Madam, and what is it that brings you from the comforts of your hall?’
I drew him away from his companions and spoke rapidly.
‘I came to you in some excitement, Lord, to tell you that, come February, you can expect another son. I have suspected such for sometime but this morning was made sure.’
Hoping the assumed confidence was convincing, I heaved a secret sigh of relief when he nodded, non-committal as always,
‘Fine, good. I trust you will look to the child and keep yourself well then, Madam.’
I made to walk away but, as I reached the pigsty, he called after me, ‘tis soon to tell, is it not?’
Dread bubbled in the pit of my stomach.
‘Nay, Lord,’ I lied, ‘not for someone with Anwen’s knowledge, she is skilled at such things and knows the workings of my body better than I know them myself.’
Hurrying back to the hall through the milling bailey, I counted back the weeks to the last time I had lain with Rhodri; it all seemed so long ago. Could the child be his? I counted again. It could indeed. Indeed it could. Once more I struck off the weeks on my fingers to be sure. If it came later than January it was Gruffydd’s, any sooner and the chances were it was Rhodri’s.
Instead of flushing with shame as I should have done, I was flooded with joy. My chin at a jaunty angle, I strode back to the hall certain that the burgeoning life within me was the issue of our union in the sand. I was glad and cared not at all that we were setting the cuckold’s horns squarely on the old man’s head.
Back in the hall, I asked Envys if she had seen Rhodri.
‘He has ridden out Lady, to the woodcott at the edge of the forest; it seems there is a fine litter of hounds born and he wishes to replenish the blood of our stock. He should be back by dusk, is there anyone else I can send for?’
‘No, no. I just wondered if he were about, that’s all, my mare had a grass seed in her eye and I wondered if the poultice he told me of had helped it heal.’
Envys turned back to her chopping board, a tune on her lips and a sway to her ample hips. I hurried to my chamber and found Anwen tidying the bed. The coverings were twisted and soiled and she tutted as she bundled them up for washing. Unable to keep the delight from my voice, I burst out,
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