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Sh*t My Vampire Says
A Magic & Mayhem Novella
Book Three in the Witches Gone Wild Series
By Michele Bardsley
Dedication
For my cousin, Marcy Young Henslee
A grumpy werecat + a cheerful fairy + a grandfatherly vampire on the run = chaos gone wild in Texas. Again!
When werecougar Caulder Mason must find Raymond Cobbler, his sister’s vampire buddy from the Adopt-an-Elderly-Vampire program. His search leads him to Wild, Texas where he finds Ray, a vengeful demon, and a beautiful fae-demon—who turns out to be his mate.
Lavender Greengrass keeps to herself because venturing into the world usually means destroying some part of it. Not on purpose. Her demon side just … well, leaks out every now and again. So she can’t understand why Caulder is gung-ho for their union. Especially since they have to deal with grumpy ol’ Ray, her kidnapped grandmother, and her asshole demon cousin, Ferth.
But Caulder and Lavender are meant to be together, and even if they have to go to hell (they do), they’ll prove to each other that true love can conquer all.
Chapter One
Wild Texas…
Miss Lavender Verbana Greengrass loved mornings. Loooooooved them. She fluttered around the house in her black silk pajamas, her gossamer pink wings shimmering in the bright beams of sunlight that bounced through the multitude of windows. She flitted from plant to plant, cooing and fussing as she fed her babies.
“Aren’t you a dear?” she said in the Irish lilt she’d never been able to completely Americanize. She’d lived on this continent for more than hundred years and in Texas for the last thirty, and she hadn’t shaken Ireland from her voice. She tickled the soft edge of the slender stalk leaning toward her. “Oh, my darling little Monkey. Here you go.” She plopped the food into its inner chamber.
“Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!”
The scream startled Lavender so much she nearly dropped the shining silver tray with her plant’s num-nums on it. Carefully, she placed the tray on a nearby counter and flew toward the large picture window.
Outside, a wrinkly old man with wisps of white hair danced around her back yard. He wore a cape à la Dracula, and to her delight, he also wore black pajamas. The man had wonderful taste in sleepwear.
“Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Ah!”
Lavender tilted her head as she watched the elderly gentlemen change his two-step hopping into an odd “running in a circle and flapping his hands” routine she thought she recognized.
She opened the back door and poked her head out. “Excuse me, sir. Are you doing the Chicken Dance?”
“What the fuck are you talking about? I’m doing the holy-shit-I’m-gonna-die dance,” he screamed in a hoarse voice. “Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!”
Then the tufts of silver hair that poked out from his head erupted into flames.
* * *
Meanwhile, in Oklahoma…
“You lost your vampire?” Jessica O’Halloran, a trim brunette dressed in jeans, a pink T-shirt, and Reeboks, stared at Caulder Mason. Her smile was razor-sharp. Vampire fangs tended to affect the sincerity of a bloodsucker’s grin.
“I didn’t lose him,” said Caulder. “I just don’t know where he is right now.” His younger sister Lissa loved causes. And it was her fault he stood in the Adopt-An-Elderly Vampire downtown office with Patrick O’Halloran’s scary wife, taking his lumps over Grandpa Flight Risk’s, well, flight.
In this small town, Main Street was the heart of the paranormal community. The town’s only café, garage repair shop, bookstore, and so forth were located on this street. Caulder preferred his solitude and rarely ventured from the were-cat colony several miles away from the town. Even in the colony, he’d chosen to be alone. He’d built his two-room cabin in the dense woods to avoid dealing with people.
The only person in the world who mattered to him, his sister, had made a life among their kind. She’d mated and, more recently, had babies. She was his exact opposite: sunny, friendly, and affectionate.
And she was why he stood in this tiny office squirming under Jessica’s irritated gaze.
“Look, dude. Part of the rules of your participation in the adopt-a-vampire-grandparent program is that you keep your old bloodsucker within sight at all times.” She pointed to a poster on the wall that listed the agency’s mission statement and then five rules. #1 was “Keep your elderly vampire within sight at all times.”
“Does it count if he was only in my sight for a minute before disappearing?”
Jessica rolled her eyes. “Did you put a tracker on him?”
“A tracker?”
“Yeah. Like this.” She picked up a bowl and took out a little black dot. “Our security dude Brady invented these. You stick ‘em on the back of the neck and download an app. Boom. You’ve got tabs on your undead geezer.”
Caulder ran a hand through his hair. “I didn’t know that was an option.”
“What’s the point of writing a detailed Guide to Taking Care of Your Older Vampire if no one reads it?”
“Technically, Raymond Cobbler isn’t my vampire. My sister Lissa signed up for this program. I only met him one time when she brought him to my cabin.” Much to Caulder’s annoyance. She said if he were going to get a social life, she’d bring one to him. In his view, an elderly vampire who thought “pull my finger” was still hilarious didn’t merit the description of socializing. “But she went into early labor, and now, she and her husband have triplets. Their hands are full right now.”
“Lissa Gilroy?” Jessica beamed. “That’s so great! Your sister is a sweetheart. I can’t wait to see those babies.” She paused. “I didn’t know she had a brother.”
“I don’t get out much.”
“Hmm.” Jessica looked down at her tablet, frowning as she scrolled. Then she paused and looked up. “You’re in luck. Lissa put a tracker on Ray. Where’s your phone? I’ll show how to download the app.”
“I don’t have a phone.”
“You don’t have a cell phone?” She shook her head. “No one uses land lines anymore. All we have is the cell tower.”
“Well, even if a land line was available, I wouldn’t have one.”
“How does your sister get hold of you?”
“She drives out to my place. And in a pinch, I have a CB radio.”
Jessica stared at him for a full thirty seconds, her mouth hanging open.
“Can’t you just tell me where he is?”
The vampire blinked. “Yeah. Sure.” She looked on the tablet. “Why would he go there?” She tapped the screen and used two of her fingers to expand an image. She flipped the tablet around and showed him. “He’s in Texas—in a little paranormal town called Wild. It’s way smaller than ours, but the people there are cool. And by people, I mean Shifters and witches and so forth.”
Caulder studied the map carefully. “Thank you.” He turned to go.
“You’ll need to go see Cotton Tabor and his wife, Immie, before you go stomping around town. They’re the guardians. If you do
n’t have their permission to visit, Wild’s protective magic will throw you out on your ass.” She tapped the image again. “See that dot? That’s their house. I’ll call and let them know you’re on your way.”
“I appreciate that,” he said. Once again, he turned to go.
“Wait. Do you want me to print you out the map?”
“I don’t need it.” He’d been born with an eidetic memory, which meant he couldn’t forget the map he’d just seen or the conversation he’d just had with Jessica. That was another reason he lived in seclusion. His recalls were so vividly detailed, he often felt overwhelmed, and there were some experiences he didn’t want to relive. Ever. “I memorized the map and the address.”
“In three seconds?”
“Two,” he said, smiling. “Thanks for your help.”
“Thanks for making my evening confusing and strange.”
His smiled widened. “I do what I can.”
Caulder waved a final good-bye and left the office. He’d parked in front of the building, so he didn’t have to go far to get into his battered white truck. He’d had the vehicle for a long time. He’d replaced the engine twice, and nearly everything else at least once. He didn’t mind the rust or the body damage. He had enough scars of his own that he wouldn’t remove those earned by another. Even if it was an inanimate object.
“All right, Ray,” he muttered as he started the truck. Its rumble was as reassuring as a werecat’s purr. “I’m coming to get you.”
Chapter Two
In Wild, Texas…
“He’s coming to get me!” screamed the vampire.
Lavender patted the old man’s hand. After she’d rescued him from being burned alive, she’d tucked him into bed in the guest room she’d named “Purple Death.” The name was given partly because the room was painted a gorgeous deep purple, and partly because of the prominent skull motifs. She handed him a cup of chamomile tea to settle his nerves. “You don’t have to worry. You’re safe here. And you don’t have to yell. I hear you just fine.”
“What?” yelled the vampire.
Lavender touched the man’s ears, zapping a teeny bit of magic into his ear canals.
He blinked. “Thanks. Getting Turned at the age of seventy didn’t exactly turn back the clock. I’ve stopped aging, but I still have a couple of old-man problems.” He leaned forward as if to tell her a secret. “I’ve always been a little hard of hearing.”
“I would’ve never guessed,” she teased. “What’s your name?”
“Raymond,” he said. “What’s yours?”
“Lavender.” She picked up the delicate china cup, rimmed in silver with tiny pink flowers lacing around its top. The best part of the cup, indeed the whole china tea set, was the black skull and cross bones in the bottom. “Here, drink your tea.”
“Can’t drink tea.” He peered at her. “I’m a vampire.”
“Oh, right.” Lavender touched cup, and the golden liquid turned deep red. She tilted the cup to show him. “There now. Chamomile blood. It will nourish you and settle your nerves.”
“Thanks.” He sipped the drink. “This is pretty good.”
Lavender warmed at the compliment. It was so nice to have company. “Now. Tell me who’s after you and why.”
“I sorta pissed off a demon.”
Lavender knew all about demons, so she knew pissed-off was generally their state of being. “What did you do?”
“I, uh …” He frowned, his lined face flushed as the blood tea perked up his pale skin. “How was I supposed to know she was his grandmother? I didn’t even know demons had grandmothers!”
“Oh, they have families. They’re quite dysfunctional, but aren’t most?” Lavender’s certainly was—and that’s why she avoided them at all costs. She offered what she hoped was a reassuring smile. “Did you kill her?” she asked gently.
“Who?”
“The demon’s grandmother.”
Raymond’s eyes widened. “I didn’t kill her,” he said, indignant. “I left her at the altar.”
“Oh, dear.” She patted his papery hand. “So you were going to sacrifice her?”
“What? No!” His expression was one of concern as he studied her face. “Are you all right in the head?”
“My head is fine, I assure you.” She sipped tea from her own cup. Chamomile with just a touch of honey certainly soothed the soul. “I don’t approve of sacrifice—on an altar or otherwise.”
“Lavender, I was gonna marry her,” he said. “Then all hell broke loose. Literally. Everything was on fire and people were running around and hollering. Next thing I know, I’m in your back yard doing the cha-cha.”
“Why on earth would you end up here?”
“Well, all I know is that I didn’t leave on purpose. But the last thing I saw was my sweet Begonia zapping her grandson in the ass.” He sniffled. “She’s a pistol, that one.”
Lavender blinked. “Did you say Begonia?”
“Yep. Begonia Darklight. We found each other on a paranormal dating website. It was love at first email, I tell you.” He looked at Lavender. “I need to get back to her.” He paused. “By the way, where am I?”
“You’re in Wild, Texas.”
“Never heard of it.” He frowned. “It’s after midnight. Why is the sun shining?”
“Oh. It’s always morning here,” she said.
“In Wild?”
“No, silly. I cast a spell around my house to make sure it’s morning all the time. It’s my favorite part of the day.”
“Make sense, I guess.” He looked up. “You sure have a thing for skulls.” He was studying the glittery silver skulls she’d stenciled around the perimeter, which formed a border underneath the black crown molding.
“I do love skulls,” she admitted happily.
“And mornings,” said Ray. His forehead scrunched up. “Look, I haven’t been undead long enough to do the travel beam thing. Maybe you can help me get back to my Begonia?”
“Here’s the thing, Raymond,” said Lavender, apologetic. She replaced her teacup onto the tray, and did the same with the vampire’s. “Begonia Darklight is my grandmother, too.”
“She is?”
“Yes. And I adore her to bits. The rest of my family is … difficult to like.”
“Wait a minute. You’re a demon?” He sounded skeptical. “You look like fae to me. You got the wings and everything.”
“My mother fell in love with an Irish fae. And I was born of their union.” She cleared her throat. She wouldn’t talk about them. It was too painful. “I prefer to celebrate my fae side,” she said. “And I try to keep my demon side in check.”
“Half and half, huh? I know a guy who’s half-demon, half-fae. He’s pretty nice. Got a wife and son.”
Lavender stilled. “He’s married and has children? And he’s half demon?” She stared at him, disbelieving. “I didn’t think such a thing was possible.”
“Why not? Your mom was a demon and she got hitched—and had you.”
Yes, and it hadn’t ended well. Neither demon nor fae liked the idea of her mother and father maintaining a relationship, much less bringing a Halfling into the world. Dark anger slithered through her.
“Your hair is on fire,” said Raymond.
“Oh!” Lavender drew in a deep breath and thought of morning, rainbows, glitter skulls, and her lovely plants. Her fury receded and with it, the power that threatened to explode from her.
“So, about that ride to my beloved?” asked Raymond.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “Chaos and setting things on fire is the go-to for my cousin Ferth. Especially when he’s upset.” She tucked Raymond in, like he was a small child and turned on the bedside lamp. “I believe Grandmother sent you here so I can protect you.”
“Why would she do that?”
“You’ll have to ask her,” she said. “I’m sure she’ll pop in when she can.” It wasn’t quite dawn, but she felt like Raymond needed extra rest. She whispered a sleep spell and the
vampire closed his eyes.
And started snoring. Good Goddess. The noise was a combination of a heavy thunder and a thousand chainsaws. She flicked magic at him, and the awful sounds quieted.
She picked up the tea set and left the room.
What was going on? And why had Grandmother sent her a vampire?
* * *
Caulder pulled up to the log cabin situated in a grove of trees. It had taken the better part of the night to get here, and he was tired. It would be dawn soon, so he wouldn’t be able to retrieve Raymond until the evening. Vampires tended to explode in the sunlight. He turned off the truck and got out. As he walked toward the porch, the front door opened and a svelte brunette with the greenest eyes he’d ever seen stepped out.
“Caulder Mason?” she asked.
“That’s me,” he confirmed.
“I’m Immie.” She smiled a warm welcome. “Come on in. We have the guest room ready for you.”
“You didn’t have to go to the trouble,” he said.
“Not when you have an open floor plan, energetic twins, a lizard with no sense of personal space, a ghost with a bad attitude, and a witch who hates mornings.”
She waved him inside and then shut and locked the door behind him. He followed her across the living room, through the kitchen and into a cozy room painted in shades of green and light gold. The queen-sized bed had about a thousand pillows on it, all with some kind of lace or ribbon attached.
He felt a sudden, awful itch on the back of his neck. He reached back and scratched, and the feeling alleviated. They said everything was bigger in Texas—even the mosquitos.
“I appreciate the hospitality,” he said, “but I prefer sleeping in the woods.”
“Oh. Do you want a tent?”
“I don’t need one, but thanks. I plan to shift.” Immie looked confused, so he tried to clarify. “I don’t sleep well in human form—or trapped in a bed.” Shit. He’d just said trapped instead of wrapped. “Shifting into a werecougar tends to calm my mind. Cat brain has a simpler approach to life than human brain.”
Magic and Mayhem: Sh*t My Vampire Says (Kindle Worlds Novella) (Witches Gone Wild Book 3) Page 1