by Sharan Daire
“I begged her every time she visited to take me with her. When she finally did, I was so excited. I loved her so much. I couldn’t be mad about all the times I’d been sad. All the times I’d felt abandoned. My dream had come true.” I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “But my dream was a nightmare. I was constantly afraid she’d take me back to Granny’s, and I’d never see her again. Or she’d just leave one day, and I’d be on my own in a strange city.”
“You didn’t trust her to come back for you.”
I shook my head. Tears dripped down my cheeks, but the pain radiating from my heart was a good pain. A healthy pain. A scar had been ripped off, but now the wound felt cleaner. As if it could finally heal. “If being pretty meant leaving your kid behind to chase some new rich man, then I wanted to be ugly.”
CHRIS
One of the first things I’d told my therapist after my friends got me help was that if I could, I’d go back in time and beat some sense into my father. I’d tell him how hurt I’d been as a kid. All the times I’d never felt good enough. When nothing I did pleased him. No stellar grades or sports excellence or business achievement had ever been enough for him.
She’d told me that even if it was possible, my father still wouldn’t understand, even if I could communicate at an adult level with him. Toxic narcissists weren’t ever going to change their minds because of a conversation. He’d never be able to understand my pain. He’d never be able to see me as anything but an extension of himself—that was only a flawed copy.
Watching Shelby cry for her mother, I felt that same soul-deep agony of longing for a parent’s love. An adult, nearly forty, still damaged and wanting only for his father to love him.
If she was pregnant… Sheer terror rolled through me at the thought of how badly I’d fuck up a kid. I didn’t want any child of mine to ever have a single moment’s doubt of my pride and love. Ever. My knees actually trembled, and I leaned forward, hands braced on either side of her hips, my forehead to hers. I didn’t say anything, but she knew.
I had a feeling she’d always know what I was thinking and feeling. No matter how hard I tried to hide it.
“I’m far from a perfect mother, but I love my kids. I would never take them to someone’s house and leave them behind so I could chase after you, Everett, Derek, or Kaleb. If that was the lesson that I had to learn from my own childhood suffering, then I’m glad I went through it. So that I could protect them from that pain.”
She wrapped her arms around my waist, pulling her body up against mine. “You are not your father, Chris, and I am not my mother.”
I forced out a dry chuckle. “Yeah, because we’re going to fuck up in new and worse ways.”
She laughed, snuggling her face up against my chest. “No doubt. But at least we won’t make the same mistakes.”
A light tap at the door made me groan. “Who the fuck is it?”
“Just wanted to be sure you were okay in there,” Kaleb said.
“We’re fine,” I growled, intending him to buzz off.
But Shelby lifted her head. “Hey, can I ask a favor?”
Kaleb poked his head in, practically wagging his tail like an eager Labrador puppy. “Always.”
“Would you mind running me to a pharmacy tomorrow?”
I could feel Kaleb’s eyes burning a hole in the back of my head. “Yeah, sure. But…”
I blew out a sigh. “There’s no need to go to the store tomorrow.”
She arched a brow at me. “Oh really?”
“I sent him to buy some pregnancy tests the very next day we got back from Liberty,” I admitted. “So they’d be here if you needed them. No pressure, though.”
Her eyes softened and she rubbed a circle on the small of my back. “You already bought a test? Without me asking?”
Kaleb snorted. “I bought it. Not him. Though he told me to buy at least ten just in case you weren’t happy with the answer and wanted additional tests.”
She held her other hand out to Kaleb, and he immediately came to her for a one-armed hug. “Thank you. Seriously. I’m touched that you’d be willing to pick up feminine products for me.”
“We had a sister, remember? And just in case you do need them, I picked up a couple of different boxes of pads and tampons too. They’re all stocked at Canyon Rock in the master.”
She leaned over toward him and gave him a kiss. Nothing explicit. Not even a hint of tongue. But the sight of her touching him, loving him, made me so hard I had to shift my hips a little, hoping to make a little room in my pants.
“Since you already got the test, I’ll probably take one when we get home then. Though it could be too early. It might be negative tonight and positive in a few days.”
She gave me such a concerned, anxious look, as if trying to gauge whether I’d be relieved as fuck, or even pissed, or possibly, maybe, a tiny bit glad, whatever the news would be. “My father told me from day one that I was a mistake he regretted the rest of his life. Let me be perfectly clear, Shelby Anderson Harris Blakely. The only mistake I’d regret the rest of my life is doing something to lose you or my brothers. Which won’t ever fucking happen. Not on my watch.”
8
Shelby
There had never been so much excitement and anticipation over peeing on a stick. My hands trembled as I waited, sitting on the toilet alone. I’d made them all wait outside and locked the door just to make my point.
I didn’t even know what to feel. I hadn’t planned on becoming pregnant any time soon, but once I did the calendar math, the idea rooted instantly and deeply. I was already attached to the idea of carrying their baby. Of watching their faces light up with love and joy.
Rob hadn’t been much of a father, but even he’d been pretty excited when his boy was born. He hadn’t been as thrilled with Allie, but by then, we were having enough issues that it might not have had anything to do with her gender at all. Money was already tight, so adding another mouth to feed—and losing my pay for a few weeks—was a financial burden he didn’t want.
If I were pregnant, this would be the guys’ first baby. Would they be disappointed if it wasn’t a boy? I didn’t think so, especially after seeing how they were with Allie. Plus three of them had a sister of their own. Derek had even been willing to fight Chris to protect his sister back in high school.
All the firsts that came with being a new parent. That first look at the new baby, the first smile, the first words. All the late-night feedings, rocking a fussy baby and humming a song, drifting off to sleep yourself. The sweet, tender smell of a baby’s downy head.
Fuuuck. I didn’t want to get my heart activated already and then have a negative test. It would be for the best if I wasn’t pregnant so quickly. I wanted to keep my options open, for my sake as well as the guys’. Sure, we had a wonderful thing going here. But—
No. I pushed the doubt monster away. I loved them. They loved me. They loved my kids. We were safe and happy in a way that we hadn’t been for years. If this test was negative, fine. We could try again if they were open to it.
I couldn’t stop thinking about big family get togethers at the Anderson farm. Our kids playing and chasing each other through the barn. Loving the animals and learning how to care for them. Then coming back to the lodge and all the opportunities here. They’d never want for anything, but especially emotionally. We’d love them so hard. All of us. No one would feel alone or unwanted or flawed or unlovable…
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to avoid looking at the tester. I wanted to give it plenty of time. To be sure. If it was negative, I’d take another test in a few days. With my luck, I’d probably start my period tomorrow anyway. It’d be the worst period of my life, and I’d have horrible cramps, and bloat so badly that Chris wouldn’t even be able to cram me back into the red velvet dress.
Whatever happened would be alright. We were still together. We’d still be deliriously happy. We were still going to get married—though on second thought, we hadn’t set a date ye
t. I hadn’t even thought to ask them. I’d been too relieved to see them. Too overwhelmed with the knowledge that they’d come after me, fight for me, even while waiting for me to come to a decision. Because they loved me.
Checking the watch, I blew out a slow breath, my heart thudding heavily. Time was up. I picked up the stick and looked at the little screen.
EVERETT
Full of burning anticipation, the twins released their energy by horsing around. Teasing each other about stupid shit that no one cared about. Like who was the greatest third baseman of all time. Who cared? I sure didn’t, and by the dark thundercloud brewing over Chris’ head, he was about to lay them both out with his thumb trick just to shut them up.
Me, on the other hand? I was the get-shit-done man. I burned my energy in a useful way. Like making phone calls, arranging surprise deals, and ensuring a smooth transition, no matter what outcome might happen.
We showed our love in different ways too. Chris bought things with his insane bank accounts that never went dry. Derek was the law-and-order guy for a reason and provided the security muscle. Kaleb was the touchy-feely type.
I showed my love by doing things. Difficult, complex things like contracts and deals. So I was on the phone when Shelby finally opened the bathroom door. Whispering a quick, “Thanks, I’ll call back tomorrow,” I hung up, watching her face for any hint of what the result was.
Positive, negative, it didn’t matter to me one way or the other. I never really saw myself as a father. I’d never had a male influence growing up other than my older brothers. I’d already assumed that the twins would take on most of the good-time fatherly duties. They were the natural fit. I would make sure any child’s college fund was set up, life insurance lined up, inheritance…
“Well?” Chris growled. His shoulders were bunched tight, hands fisted at his side. Not in anger, though he certainly looked and sounded like he was furious.
Concern flickered through me briefly, a flash of worry that she might misread his tone and stance. She’d only known us a few weeks. She couldn’t know that Chris always sounded pissed off.
Though she did know. Obviously. Or she wouldn’t be the woman we’d go to the ends of the earth to keep.
Casually, as if she didn’t have four idiots chomping at the bit for an answer, she handed the stick to Chris.
Without even looking at it, he shoved the stick into my hand. “For fuck’s sake, I don’t know how to read those things. One line. Two lines. Who the fuck made up a test like that? Some asshole idiot man, that’s who.”
I looked at the screen and started to laugh.
I couldn’t help it. All the tension bled out of me. Worry that she would be upset or disappointed. Worry that Chris might not handle a pregnancy well. And yeah, deep down, that dread that I would be the worst father-figure of all four of us, even Chris. Because at least he had a notion—albeit a bad one—of what a father was supposed to do.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Chris retorted. “Is it positive or not?”
Wheezing with laughter, I pushed the stick back into his hand. “Even you can read this one.”
Muttering beneath his breath, Chris jerked the stick away from me and looked at the screen. “Motherfucker.”
She gasped a little, a little hiccup of sound that snapped us all to attention. Especially Chris. He wrapped her in his arms, hauling her off her feet, and then subtly turning toward me. Silently inviting me to hug her too. And that was only one of the million reasons I loved him so much. I squeezed them both, my face in her hair.
In the calm, annoyingly even cop voice he probably used to talk down a man with a gun or ask ever so politely if he could search your car, Derek asked, “What is it?”
“It’s positive,” she whispered breathlessly. Likely because we were squeezing the life out of her. “I’m pregnant.”
Kaleb whooped and slung his arms around all of us. Derek shouldered his way in beside his brother, so we all four could hold her in the center. She was crying enough to dampen Chris’ shirt, but I didn’t think they were upset tears.
“What’s next?” Chris asked. “What do we need to get you?”
She lifted her face and he immediately wiped her tears away. I was right. She smiled up at him, her eyes shining with relief and hope and so much love that I couldn’t breathe. “I’ll need to get established with a local doctor, but it’s not a rush. Lots could happen in the next four to six weeks. I won’t tell the kids for a while, just in case something happens.”
“Makes sense,” Derek said. “Ange didn’t tell us until she was two months along.”
“Ev?” Chris asked.
I nodded. “Already on it. I have a list of the top doctors compiled.”
“So that puts a due date somewhere around November,” Kaleb said.
How’d he know so much about it? Maybe experience with his sister, but I had a feeling he’d dragged out the calendar as soon as we had any idea at all that Shelby might be pregnant. He had the date already calculated.
I loved Kaleb like he was my own brother, but I’d always dismissed him in some ways. Not quite as smart. Not as slick. Good with his hands. Great with kids. All true—and more important than being slick and smart. I was completely out of my element, and so was Chris. We’d need Kaleb’s good-natured, easy charm and his eager willingness to step in with the kids more than ever.
In fact, I fully intended to ask him to give me private lessons.
“Yeah,” she replied. “Should be before Thanksgiving.”
“So the next question is do you want to be married before or after the birth?” Chris asked.
Her eyes flared and she bit her lip. “Before. Unless that’s too soon?”
He snorted. “We could be married tomorrow if you want. You set the date. We’ll make it happen.”
A dazed look flickered through her eyes. “There’s so much to decide. Where do you want the ceremony? Who’s invited?”
“We don’t give two shits about any of that, as long as you’re happy,” Chris replied.
She paled. “Oh no.”
“What?” We all asked in unison.
She pulled away, fighting to get free of us, finally ducking under Derek’s arm so she could race back into the bathroom. I was closest, the first to follow her through the door. She leaned over the toilet and started to retch.
Frozen, I had no idea what to do.
I wasn’t sure if it was Derek’s military experience, his years as a sheriff, or simply all the parties he’d gone to in college, but he immediately started barking orders. “Kaleb, get her hair out of her face. Ev, grab a cool washcloth. Chris, make sure she doesn’t hit her head if she passes out.”
She wavered a moment between Chris and Derek, her hands braced on the toilet seat. “Ugh. This is my least favorite part. It’s so embarrassing.”
Chris snorted. “Do you have any idea how many times one of us has puked our guts out? Shit, this is nothing.”
She groaned miserably. “But I don’t want you to see me like this. It’s… gross.”
“This is nothing,” Kaleb repeated Chris’ words. “Wait until we’re all in the delivery room with you. Which one of us do you think will pass out? My money’s on Everett.”
“Hey,” I retorted, though I did feel ever so slightly queasy at the thought. Not because of blood or whatever. But I didn’t want to see Shelby in pain. That was going to kill us all.
She lifted her head, and I patted the cool washcloth over her mouth. Rinsed it quickly and then folded it up a bit to press against her red cheeks. “You’ll all actually be in the delivery room? Like for real?”
“Of course we will,” Chris retorted, though his eyes narrowed, his chin jutting out. “Unless you don’t want us to. But that’s one thing you’ll have to be pretty damned explicit about, Shel. We’re all going to want to be there for you if at all possible.”
She blinked rapidly, but tears still escaped from her eyes. “Oh. Wow. I didn’t…”
&
nbsp; “Let me guess,” Chris drawled out. “Your asswipe ex couldn’t be bothered to see the birth of his own damned kids?”
She shrugged and leaned over on Derek, as if her legs didn’t quite want to hold her up. “In his defense, with Liam, he was at work, and with Allie, he stayed home with Liam.”
Derek shifted her up into his arms. “How did you even get to the hospital?”
“I took the bus.”
I thought Chris was going to murder someone by the dark look flickering in his eyes. He met my gaze and didn’t have to say the words. I’d be finding out everything I could about her ex. See if we could do a little legal payback somehow. Make sure he knew that she had protection now, especially in case he had any ideas.
Which made me think of something else that had been bothering me. This wasn’t the best time to ask her, but I needed to know to make sure she was protected. “When you divorced this asshole, what kind of parenting plan did you have?”
“Fifty-fifty, but he never actually kept them overnight. He did take Liam to a baseball game once, but that was it.”
“Did you let him know you were taking the kids out of state?”
She turned to see me, worry wrinkling her brow. “I tried, but I didn’t have an address for him. I sent notification through the mail to the address listed on our divorce decree, but I don’t know that it made it to him.”
I smiled approvingly to put her at ease. “That’s perfect. I figured you didn’t know where the deadbeat was.”
“I kept the little card the post office gave me in my wallet so I wouldn’t lose it.”