Holly knew she didn't want that to be her destiny. She wanted more out of life. But she was afraid.
Another time she would wrestle with the demons that kept her alone. Another time she would search her heart and try to find the key to escape her solitary world. For tonight it was enough to hold and be held in Jordan's comforting arms.
* * *
Chapter 12
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When Holly came down to breakfast the next morning, she found Louise already up and making coffee. If she hadn't known what had happened the previous night, she might not have noticed the slightly puffy eyes and shadows from sleeplessness, but she still would have known something was wrong. It took her a moment to figure out why, then she realized it was Louise's clothes.
Instead of her normally, bright, barely matching colors, Louise wore black jeans and a plain white long-sleeved shirt. Also missing were her frequently zany earrings. Plain gold studs gleamed in each earlobe.
Before Holly could say anything, she heard Jordan behind her. She turned and gave him a tentative smile. He didn't respond, but as he walked past her, he squeezed her hand.
She'd spent most of last night in his bed. They'd held each other silently. Finally, when his breathing had slowed and she'd known he'd fallen asleep, she'd made her way upstairs to her room. She hadn't been able to sleep much, instead replaying the events of the previous evening over and over in her head. Mistletoe had cuddled close, and the cat's warmth and gentle purring had been a great source of comfort as she'd wrestled with all that she'd learned.
Questions of right and wrong, who had hurt whom and why had dominated her thoughts. At last she understood why Jordan was always angry with Louise. She wished there was an easy solution for everyone, but there wasn't. She felt badly for both him and for the housekeeper.
Jordan stepped into the kitchen. Louise didn't turn around, but her shoulders stiffened.
"The coffee's not ready," she said. "It'll be a few minutes. I'll bring you a cup." The housekeeper's hands shook as she measured out the coffee grounds.
Jordan stared at her for a moment. Holly watched him. Emotions flashed through his eyes. She recognized compassion and a flicker of regret, but anything else disappeared before it could be identified. He paused in the kitchen, then turned and left.
Louise filled the pot with water. "Talk about tension," she said, then tried to smile. The corners of her mouth trembled.
"I'm sorry," Holly said, then crossed to the other woman.
Louise blinked several times. "He told you."
It wasn't a question. "No. I overheard. I didn't mean to, but…" Her voice trailed off.
Louise's blue eyes filled with tears. "Everything is going to come out eventually. I suppose you think I'm a horrible person."
"The thought never crossed my mind." Impulsively Holly reached toward her and gave her a hug. Louise hugged her back, then quickly straightened.
"All this emotion before I've even had my morning coffee. I'm not sure my old heart can stand it."
Louise turned back to the coffeepot and flipped on the switch. Then she settled at the small kitchen table by the window.
It was a cool, crisp winter day. The clear sky provided a perfect backdrop for the bright sunlight. Holly took the seat next to her.
"Everything he said is true," Louise said, resting her hands on the table. "I knew it was wrong to fall in love with Earl Haynes, so I'm not sure why I did it." She shrugged. "There are the usual excuses. I didn't feel that anyone cared about me, and Earl made me feel special. Pretty, even. I never meant to hurt anyone."
A tear trickled from the corner of her eye. She wiped it away impatiently. "I was a fool."
"You were very young." Holly leaned toward her. "I don't understand everything that happened. I agree that you made a mistake, but you were only seventeen years old. He was an adult. He should have known better."
"Maybe."
"Not maybe. He was a mature man with a wife and four children. He took advantage of you."
Louise sniffed. "You sound so sure of everything."
"I am. He was the sheriff in town, too. He used his position and authority to his advantage. You never had a chance, Louise. Stop blaming yourself."
"It's hard to let go of the guilt," the older woman admitted. "I've carried this secret around for so long. I probably should have realized why Jordan didn't like me, but I never thought he knew." She shook her head. "Now everything makes sense. He blames me for destroying his family." She looked at Holly. "I swear I wouldn't have come back to town all those years later if I'd thought it was going to make trouble. I had no idea what Earl was going to do."
"That's not your fault, either," Holly said.
"Maybe not, but Jordan won't forgive me. Having the baby was bad enough, but forcing his mother to leave is so much worse."
Holly hated how Louise was taking all the blame on herself. Maybe because she was new to the situation, she could see more clearly. There were misunderstandings on both sides.
"Jordan's mother didn't leave because of you," she said. "She left because her husband asked for a divorce."
"To marry me."
"But you didn't want him to get a divorce. You didn't want to have anything to do with him. It's not your fault."
Louise drew in a deep breath. "In my head I know what you're saying makes sense. In my heart that's a different matter. I feel so guilty. It's not all about the Haynes family, either. Some of it is about my little girl. I think about her all the time. I want her to be happy and s-safe." Her voice broke, and she had to turn away to hide her emotions.
Holly tried to imagine what it must be like to have to give a child up for adoption. She couldn't think of anything more tragic.
"Did you get to see her when she was born?"
"Just for a minute." This time Louise managed a full smile. "She looked just like a Haynes. Big eyes, lots of dark hair. She was so pretty. And then they took her away."
"You've never tried to get in touch with her?"
"No." The tears returned. Louise brushed them away. "What would I say to her?"
"How about the truth? You were young and frightened, and giving her to a loving couple seemed to be the best thing to do."
"That sounds so nice. The truth is not seeing her is my punishment for what I did. I don't deserve to have her in my life."
Her friend's pain cut through Holly, too. She knew what that kind of emptiness and longing felt like. She understood about being alone.
"It's too bad your daughter has to be punished, too," she said softly. "Look at all she's missing. A wonderful mother and four half brothers. Have you considered the fact that she might want to be in your life?"
Louise stared at her. "I hadn't thought of it that way. But what if she likes her world the way it is?"
"What if she doesn't? The worst that will happen is that she won't want to see you. I know it's scary and a risk, but what if she's been waiting her whole life for you?"
"What if?" Louise echoed softly.
* * *
This year the family had chosen to go caroling on Travis's street. They bundled up against the cold, passed out sheet music and flashlights, then started down the block.
"We have to rotate where we sing," Jordan explained to Holly. "We're really bad, so we give the neighbors a break by not coming back for a couple of years."
She leaned against him and grinned. "I don't believe that."
"Most of the Haynes family is tone-deaf. Trust me, it's awful."
It had been nearly a week since Jordan's confrontation with Louise. Christmas was in three days. A sort of armed truce had settled over the house. Louise avoided him whenever possible, and he avoided her. He'd heard the housekeeper talking with Holly several times. Snatches of conversation had carried to him. He knew they were talking about the past and the child Louise had given up for adoption.
A girl. A Haynes daughter. Once again the rage filled him as he remembered his father had cared for Louis
e as he had never cared for his wife and family.
It wasn't fair, but then so little in life was.
They came to a stop in front of the first home. The porch light was on, and there was a lit plastic Santa on the front lawn. The Haynes family was loud and filled with laughter as they prepared to share their Christmas spirit. The smaller children were already asleep, and had been left behind with Louise to watch over them. The older ones were more interested in playing than singing.
Someone called out the name of the first song. There was a brief moment of shuffling as everyone found the right page, followed by a single note from a pitch pipe. As if that would help.
"'Hark, the herald angels sing.'"
The words were clear, but the key was wrong and the voices didn't blend at all. The neighbors came out onto the porch and tried to act pleased, but they were obviously pained by the discord.
Holly actually had a very nice voice. She sang softly, but he could hear the clear tones and perfect melody. Maybe there was hope.
Kyle heard, too. "This one can sing," he said, and grabbed her arm. "Come up front where they can hear you. Maybe they won't throw things at us."
Holly gave Jordan a quick glance. "It's okay," he told her. "You do sound better than the rest of us."
She wore a thick blue sweater that matched the color of her eyes. The cold night air brought out the pink in her cheeks. In the light of the overhead lamp he saw her smile, and something deep inside him responded.
He liked her. The knowledge should have scared him into bolting, but all he could do was stand there and be grateful for her presence. Everything about her was wrong for him. Her decency, her innocence, her trust. But until the holidays were over, he was going to enjoy every stolen minute with her. When their time together was over, he would retreat to the darkness of his world and survive there.
His longing for her was about more than sex, he thought as she turned and went with Kyle to the front of the group. Even as the thought passed through his mind, his gaze dropped to her round hips and generous behind. He adored her lush feminine form. He knew that she agonized about an extra couple of pounds, but he didn't want her to change. He'd spent hours reliving the evening when he'd pleasured her. He could still see, taste and feel her full breasts. He wanted to feast on them forever.
But more than wanting a physical relationship, he enjoyed his time just being with Holly. He liked talking with her and working with her. He liked the care she took as she completed a task on his house. He liked her views of the world and her unflagging enthusiasm. Despite the blows the world had delivered, she still believed everything could work out for the best.
They began a second song. Jordan dropped behind Austin and Rebecca, who were absorbed only in each other. Lindsay, Sandy's oldest from a previous marriage, had brought a girlfriend with her, and they were doing more giggling than singing. Neither teenager noticed as he slipped behind them to the rear of the group.
Jordan cast a longing glance at the house to their left. Travis's house. Would anyone notice if he went back? Before he could decide, Elizabeth moved next to him and slipped her arm through his.
"I thought Holly had cured you of this," she said, glancing up at him.
"Of what?"
"For a while you were actually like the rest of us. Smiling, participating in conversations. Once again you're brooding. Want to talk about it?"
He shrugged. He didn't have anything to say to her. He wasn't prepared to expose Louise's secret, and he didn't want to discuss their argument.
"Is it a guy thing?" Elizabeth asked.
"It's a family thing."
She stared at him for a long time. He realized she was a part of the Haynes family. He dropped a kiss on the top of her head. "Sorry. I didn't mean that the way it came out."
Her brown eyes saw more than they should. She continued to study him, then she nodded and disappeared into the crowd. A couple of minutes later Travis walked over to him.
"Elizabeth sent me to talk to you," Travis said. "What's going on?"
Jordan didn't want to talk about it, but the look on his brother's face told him he wasn't getting a choice. He shifted on the walkway and pulled his coat closer against the evening chill.
"I've been thinking a lot about Dad," he said, which was, in a way, the truth.
Travis grimaced. "Why bother? I'm glad the old man lives on the other side of the country. I wouldn't send him a Christmas card if Elizabeth didn't make me. You want to get in touch with him?"
"No," Jordan said shortly.
"I didn't think so. He's a bastard down to his bones." Travis's expression hardened. "I'll never forgive him for what he did to all of us."
Craig was standing nearby and overheard the conversation. As the group moved on to the next house, he dropped back to join them.
Travis spoke. "You ever call Dad?"
"Why would I?" Craig asked. "I don't have anything to say to him. Nothing I've done has ever been good enough for him. I quit caring about him and his opinion a long time ago." Bitterness darkened his voice.
Jordan stared at his oldest brother. He'd never thought about what Craig must have gone through because he was the firstborn. He had endured the brunt of Earl Haynes's rage. Jordan remembered Craig had often taken the blame for things he hadn't done. When Travis had asked why, Craig had said he was bigger, so the beatings didn't hurt him as much. With the hindsight of an adult, Jordan knew Craig had just been looking out for his brothers.
Around them another song began. The words of peace and hope contrasted with the mood of the conversation. They paused to listen.
"You guys okay?" Elizabeth asked when the song ended.
Travis looked at her. "We're fine." But he stayed on the sidewalk with his brothers. By now Kyle and Austin had joined them. Only the women and children walked up to the next house. In the back of his mind Jordan noticed that the group sounded slightly more in key.
"I blame the old man for a lot," Travis said. "I never knew how to be a husband or a father."
"None of us did," Craig said. "I knew I was supposed to be the leader, but I never knew what I was doing. Obviously, or I wouldn't have married Krystal."
"I nearly lost Sandy because of him," Kyle said. The night air was cold, and he pulled his leather jacket closer. "I was afraid I wasn't good enough for her and her kids."
"I nearly lost Elizabeth," Travis said.
"We all made mistakes," Craig said. "Everybody does, but I know we would have done better without him and his brothers around."
"I remember not wanting to be like them," Travis said. He shoved his hands into his coat pockets.
They nodded. Jordan had made that vow, too. He didn't want to be like his father or uncles, using women, then tossing them aside. He'd wanted more. Then he'd learned how much it hurt to love someone, and he'd decided to avoid relationships altogether.
Austin cleared his throat. "For a while I thought you guys were lucky. You still had a family. Folks who cared about you. Then I figured out sometimes it was better to be alone."
"We've come a long way," Craig said, and slapped Kyle on the back. "Even you, baby brother."
"Gee, thanks."
Craig was right. They had grown and changed. None of them had turned out like their father. Jordan wondered what his brothers would say if he told them the truth about the past. No one had ever figured out why their mother had left. At first he hadn't said anything because he was too stunned. In his heart he'd hoped she would come back. He'd hated Louise and the tragedy she'd brought to their lives. Then he hadn't mentioned the truth because he'd been afraid.
In his young, sixteen-year-old mind he'd worried that if he brought everything out in the open, Earl would marry Louise. Jordan couldn't bear the thought of her being his stepmother and a part of the family.
Conversation flowed around him. He was caught up in a dilemma. He believed Louise's affair was her secret to keep, but what about the child? Should he tell his brothers they had a half sis
ter? She was grown up now and living her life somewhere: Did they have the right to get in touch with her? Did she want her life disrupted, or would she welcome the addition of four half brothers?
It wasn't until Holly rested her fingers on his arm that he realized that the caroling party had broken up.
"Are you feeling all right?" she asked, then touched his face. She was in her nurse mode, fussing over him.
"I'm fine." He captured her hand and brought it to his mouth, where he kissed her palm.
He heard her breath catch in her throat. "You're thinking about Louise," she said, and there was only a slight tremor in her voice.
"A little," he admitted. He put his arm around her and headed back to Travis's house.
"You haven't told them, have you?"
He shrugged. "I don't know what to say."
She snuggled close. "You're a very complex man, Jordan Haynes. On the one hand you're angry and resentful toward Louise for all that happened, but on the other hand you won't expose her secret. What does that say about you?"
"That I'm a fool."
"I prefer to think of you as a gentle soul."
"Thanks. That's what every guy likes to hear."
She laughed softly, then sighed. "Are you going to tell them about the baby?"
"I don't know. It was a long time ago. Wherever she is, she's not a baby anymore, she's a woman. Would she want to be a part of this?" What he didn't say was that he did want to find his half sister. The reason he held back was Louise. By admitting the truth, he would be giving Louise a permanent place in the family. He still blamed her for everything that had happened. He didn't want to reward that by welcoming her as one of them.
"I always wanted a sister," Holly said. "You're lucky to have such a close family."
"You wouldn't say that if you'd met my father."
"I heard a little about him from Louise and from what you've told me. He sounds difficult."
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