“If you’re serious, then maybe I’ll stay until the Jonah issue is concluded and meanwhile I’d like to consider who would be best to take you forward if that’s okay?”
“Fine, and you think you can handle that, babe? You’d be able to watch someone else control what we do? Make the schedules and tell us when we’re touring? Not be around us at gigs? All the privilege that comes with the position you hold would be gone. You’d be happy being Valerie Darsin, girlfriend of RedA’s lead singer? Because that’s what you’re proposing.”
“Flynn. I’d be Valerie Darsin, period. Not Valerie Darsin, RedA’s manager. I’d get to spend all the time I can with you, and not have to talk about work. I get to breathe and walk in the fresh air during the day, not just at night. I get to shop when normal people shop, not before or after the store opens because of the people that you attract. I want to be able to defend myself against the hordes of women that make snide remarks about me because of what I am to you, and tell them to go fuck themselves. As your manager, I’d never do that because I think of the band first.”
“You made me who I am, Valerie. I’m a worldwide household name because that’s where you put me.”
“I know, and I want to be with you. God knows how much I love you, but I love our son, too. The life we’re living doesn’t offer Liam a conventional upbringing, but he can at least have the security of a parent on a daily basis. You don’t want him growing up with him spending all his time with Niven and I agree.”
Grinding his teeth, I saw his jaw tick with the stress brought on by the information I’d just handed him. The thoughts I aired I’d harbored for months. I’d been denying them daily, but his baby question was the catalyst which brought it to a head. I hadn’t intended on saying what I had at that point.
“At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I love you, Valerie. We’ve been together for long enough to know that we’re never going to make anyone else happy because we found each other. There are times I’ve wondered what the fuck was wrong with me? What am I missing? What is it that I had to do to make you happy? I want more kids. I don’t want to be an old man when I do. I’m twenty-seven now—”
“And I’m turning twenty-three, Flynn, and although I want my kids while I’m young I want a year of normality before expanding on a family. I had dreams before we were together as well, remember? Is that too much to ask?”
“If you are going down this road then I have every right to ask my next question. What happens during the times I’m on the road alone, and you’re with Liam? The times that arise when the groupies make allegations, and you’re not there to discredit them?”
“If you want me to say I’ll believe you no matter what, that’s never going to happen. Only a fool would agree to that, Flynn. As long as you are honest with me, we have nothing to fear. I learned my lesson about dragging my past into my present, as did you, so I won’t make that mistake again.”
Once again, Flynn gave me a hurt look, but this time he pulled me back to his chest as if he understood my point, “Valerie, I’d rather cut off my dick than sink it anywhere except inside your tight little body,” he whispered and kissed my head. “Trust me…you’re everything I need. Don’t worry, babe, your happiness is more important than anything else to me. We’ll figure this Jonah shit out together, and that will give you time to decide what you’re going to do. Once you’ve made your decision we’ll go from there. Does that sound like a plan?” he asked, his voice reassuring me that he was okay with me leaving the band behind.
It did reassure me. I may feel differently about it once I have to face my replacement.
Chapter 26
Belonging
Flynn
The following morning Jonah was on his way to rehab back in Iowa. We had him transferred to a facility near to us so that we could support and also keep an eye on him. We weren’t allowed to visit him initially for obvious reasons. We had to give the program time to start working, but Jonah had given consent to us being updated regularly on his progress.
Valerie was definitely focused on the business side of what Jonah’s situation meant, whereas, I thought more about Jonah’s welfare. Each day that passed, they saw slow to no progress from him as he paid lip service to the professional team trying to support his recovery. The doc told us what we already knew. Jonah had to get clean for Jonah, not because we all wanted it for him.
Valerie became extremely agitated by his lack of cooperation and I guess she was pretty intolerant of the fact that he couldn’t have cared less about his band members, but that’s what using blow does for you. It was the same fuck-everything-except-doing-lines attitude I’d seen a lot of in my early days with Major ScAlz.
I’d been avoiding the conversation I knew she wanted to have until the day before Kayden’s wedding. Val had become more impatient with every day that passed and wasn’t the cool, level-headed dynamo I was used to. Instead of buzzing with energy like she normally was, she looked drained. I knew that was because all she saw was the first gig of the new tour arising and no drummer out there with us. Helping with Liam’s bedtime routine I tried to inject some fun, but I was even scolded for telling my own son a funny story about a bad drummer because of the impact the shit with Jonah had on her.
I knew Kayden’s wedding preparations were hitting her hard. Hell, I felt emotional; only God knew what went on in her head. Val’s only surviving brother was getting married, and all the feelings she’d probably kept close to her chest must have been boiling up. The biggest elephant in the room was about who should have been there to share his day and were missing. The previous night, I lay silently and listened to her quiet sniffles in bed, but I chose not to interfere in her private grief. If she wanted to talk about it, I had no doubts she would have, so I just clung to her like my life depended on it and let her cry it out.
If Kayden was feeling the same, it wasn’t notable. The previous few days had been hellishly busy with finalizing speeches, last minute measurements for our wedding clothes, and finding the right gifts for our women.
Kayden found this neat little necklace with an infinity symbol. The jeweler had managed to entwine their initials into the piece, and I had a rush job done by the expert who had managed to make me a platinum replica of the tattoo that I’d worn proudly on my chest as a constant reminder of what was most important in life to me. It was an interwoven V, F, and L, with a D in the center for Docherty. It was also D for Darsin, but one day I wanted that D to mean the same thing for all three of us.
As the wedding excitement in the Darsin household grew, I felt my mood sinking. At first, I thought that it was because Valerie was stressed about the band, then I thought it was because I thought she must be hurting so badly inside about her losses at such a special time. Eventually, after buying the necklace, I admitted to myself it was because Kayden was about to have everything I wanted. To be tied to his woman for eternity.
Before the wedding rehearsal—the night before the big day—we went to pick up the jewelry, and after the pastor had spoken to us, we all went to a restaurant Amber’s parents had reserved for the wedding rehearsal dinner.
Lori-Anne and Callum, her parents, were lovely people. They’d been around us all since the night we’d held the family cookout when Kayden and Amber had gotten engaged, and had become good friends with Val and Kayden’s parents.
A sobering thought from earlier in the day rushed at me as I sat listening to everyone share stories. It struck me that in one more day, I’d be the only person present who didn’t truly belong. That is how it had felt to me, anyway.
Turning my head, I glanced at Valerie who immediately sensed me watching her, and she looked back at me. We were so attuned to each other. Giving me a slow, loving smile she slipped her small, soft hand into mine in a tender gesture. We shared a connection in that glance, and I had no doubt she loved me…that she was in love with me, and I had no doubt she needed me just as much as I needed her.
It sh
ould have made me feel better when she had reached out, but at that moment her touch felt sympathetic to me and made me feel worse. My heart ached to think that with all that we felt for each other she didn’t want to give herself to me in the same way that Amber was committing to Kayden. Hell, the way Simone had to Craig.
“You’re quiet, Flynn, are you okay?” she asked in a concerned tone.
My smile was too readily given and I nodded, “Yeah, it’s just been a long day. I’m just chilling and listening to all the stories your parents are sharing.”
“Flynn…I know you. Something is bugging you.”
“Not now…I’m okay, just thinking,” I replied and gave her hand a small squeeze in reassurance. Even though my heart hurt, the last thing I wanted to do was bring her mood down, so I sacrificed my own feelings and concentrated on hers, but I never lied to her. If she’d asked me again, I knew I’d have been honest with her.
I glanced down the table at all the happy faces and turned back to look at my girl. She was still staring at me, her eyes narrowed with concern and a perplexed look on her face. Placing my hand on the back of her head, I pulled her closer and kissed her forehead.
“Kayden looks happy,” I said by way of distracting attention from myself.
“He is,” she admitted, her expression instantly relaxing as she smiled at the mention of her brother. With her comment, Kayden tapped the glass in front of him with a teaspoon and asked for everyone’s attention. The chatter at the table died instantly, and Kayden stood, pushing back the wooden chair in the hushed room, fastened the button on his jacket and gave everyone a nervous smile.
“After tomorrow, I’ll no longer be plain Kayden Darsin. I’ll be part of the awesome partnership of Mr. and Mrs. Kayden Darsin. Or whatever Amber says is okay to call us.” We all cracked up at his joke. “As this is probably my last night of free speech as a single man, because we men know that after marriage our opinions become quality assured before we air them from the moment we sign on the dotted line—” Amber slapped his ass from her seated position, and we all laughed when Kayden scoffed, “See?”
He reached down and took her hand and kissed her knuckles, then placed it gently on the table. His hand smoothed down her face to her chin, and a loving smile passed between them. He straightened again and began to address the rest of us present.
“Tomorrow marks a time I never imagined I’d see since the death of my brothers, Martin and Adam.” He swallowed and cleared his throat, “It’s a time when I finally close a very difficult chapter in my life and turn to the future with my new bride.” He placed his hand gently behind Amber’s head and continued, “This girl here has taken me from anguish and despair to happiness; joy, elation, and dare I say ecstasy.” Amber blushed, giving a small nervous smile in the direction of her parents, and dropped her head for a second. Kayden took his hand away and unbuttoned his jacket again.
“When I met Amber, I was in a dark place…no, that doesn’t even begin to describe the journey I went on. I went to hell, but I was alive, walking this earth…a living hell with no thoughts of ever pulling myself from that particular darkness. A few times, I’d even thought about ending my life. And I got angry with God for taking my brothers and asked him ‘Why me? Why was I spared? Why was I chosen as one of three brothers to survive?’ I used to curse God for not taking me as well, for separating me from the brothers I loved with everything I had. Then I’d look at Valerie, and how their loss had affected her, and one day it dawned on me. Someone had to survive to watch over her just like the three of us always had.”
Kayden was emotionally choked up for a moment and fought to contain his grief. No one moved or spoke allowing him to pull himself back together and cope with what he wanted to say. Inhaling sharply, he blew out a shaky breath and tried to get a grip of his feelings. Valerie’s hand gripped mine and squeezed tightly. I glanced around at her to see tears running freely down her face. Her normally, bright, beautiful eyes were cloudy with more unshed tears. The sad, ashen, haunted look I’d seen all those years ago was there, and it transported me right back to the day when I’d arrived just after the news broke of the tragedy.
My heart squeezed and ached because I could see how much she was hurting and nothing I said or did would be able to take her pain away. I felt inadequate at that moment, completely helpless to protect her from the awful grief that had come rushing back. I felt selfish for wanting a piece of paper to say she was mine. At least she was here with me. We had a future, and we were fortunate for all we’d been given. Martin and Adam were denied that because they’d been taken too young.
I swapped my hand from one to the other, slid my hand around her back and pulled her into my side. She wiped her eyes with her napkin and looked at her mom because…well, I think she thought maybe there would be words of comfort.
My eyes followed her gaze, and I saw her mom displaying her own silent grief at the mention of her boys…her lost boys, and I wondered how she’d even managed to keep going. Half of her children were taken from her, and she’d had to survive that because she still had two who were alive.
For a moment, I thought about Liam and knew if anything was to happen to him—and my mind wouldn’t let me finish the thought.
Kayden cleared his throat again and gave another nervous smile and continued talking, “I know my brothers will be right there with us tomorrow as Amber and I stand before God and declare our undying commitment to each other. They will feel the joy that is in my heart, the calmness in my soul, and my thoughts and my determination to live life to the fullest. I owe that to them, and to Amber, and to everyone else that loves and supports us. So I’m saying this tonight, just for us here, my family…our families, because these are my private thoughts. Thoughts I wanted to share with you and no one else.”
My mind drifted to my brother. The older brother I’d lost and I felt numb. I couldn’t connect my feelings to him, and I knew my brain had disassociated the hellish carnage I’d witnessed from the feelings in my heart. My mind was protecting my body from the battlefield fatigue I’d be subjected to should that connection ever be made. I’d spent half of my life in that state…not feeling or thinking about the hideous crime my father had committed against his son and his wife, the mother of his children. I knew how Kayden felt— to be the survivor, left to witness and live with the grief.
Amber’s chair legs scraped back against the wooden floor as she stood and reached up to place her arms around Kayden’s neck.
“You did great, honey,” she said softly and I guessed she was on her tiptoes when she kissed him tenderly. “I’d like to say a few words, too, if that’s okay. Is it normal for the bride to do that?”
“Do what you want, sweetheart, it’s your rodeo,” her dad responded with a grin.
“Well, okay. I just want to say I am so thankful to Kayden’s family. Thank you to all of you for taking me on, and giving me another loving family to add to the one I already have. Valerie, I’ve always wanted a sister. I couldn’t have been given a better one. Actually, I checked you out before I agreed to date your brother. It was one of my requirements in a man…to have a sister.”
We all laughed at that because she was so hung up on Kayden she’d have had him no matter what. “Also, I just want to thank you, Flynn, for keeping her happy and for giving Kayden and me our beautiful, delightful nephew. The happiness he’s brought to the Darsin family has helped them heal. I know this may not be entirely appropriate to say, but the gift Martin left in his wake in the form of Milly has also helped to stitch together some of the wounds in their hearts as well.”
Mr. Darsin nodded and hugged their mom to him.
“I’d also like to say, Flynn Docherty, partner to Valerie, father to Liam, brother to Kayden and honorary son to Kayden’s parents— Flynn, even though you and Valerie have never made it official, I still consider you to be my brother-in-law. Your support for Kayden earlier on after the accident was important. He talks about it. The opport
unity you gave to him made Kayden realize how life could be if he went after it, when you took a risk and allowed him on stage with you…well, he’s still going on about that.”
I glanced at Kayden and he grinned and held his drink up to me in salute, “What I’m trying to say is, I’m a newbie who is finally belonging to the Darsin clan, as well as my own, and I’m so freaking happy to have found such a wonderful, loving man like Kayden, but to have you all there alongside us is truly awesome.”
I pushed my chair back and held up my glass, “Thank you guys, for taking me in, for showing me how to be a man, a father, a brother and a son. I may not be related by blood or marriage, but Amber is right. Blood family is one you have no choice over, but with this one, I got to choose and luckily their daughter chose me back. I love you all very much, but if you ever mention this in public it will ruin my reputation as a rock star so whatever happens in Iowa stays in Iowa, you get me?”
Loud laughter filled the room instantly replacing the heavy vibe in the air.
“To Amber and Kayden, I wish you every happiness and loads of babies in the future.”
“Amber and Kayden,” everyone said, smiling in response to my toast.
General chatter ensued at the table once more and the evening wrapped up about ten minutes later. Valerie and I made our way to Lee who was parked at the back of the restaurant waiting. “That was a lovely thing you said in there,” Valerie said.
“What can I say, I’m a lovely man.”
“I know. You are. You’re more than lovely. You’re perfect. Thank you for being you, Flynn. Despite all the shit, the fame, the adoration you get from everyone, you have managed to remain true to yourself.”
Ready For Flynn,Part 3: A Rockstar Romance: Ready For Flynn Series Page 24