by Mel Campbell
She broke the surface and gasped for breath. Floating next to her was the starfish, with a bedraggled Snuggles still tied to it, yipping angrily. That was the first thing Rose heard; the second was the cheers of the crowd, like the rush of a mighty ocean.
‘That was amazing, the way you just dived right in,’ said Leary Barker.
‘Thank you,’ Rose said. Wrapped in a towel and clutching a cup of coffee to which Bernie had clearly added a substantial nip of booze, she’d just walked into the site office inside the warehouse.
The crowd had gone wild as Rose climbed the ladder back up to the dock, with Snuggles tucked under her arm. Beverley was in absolute hysterics – Rose thought the contestant had thanked her, but her voice was so incoherent it was hard to be sure. Thor had given her a grateful hug, and by the way he wrapped his arms around her as tears rolled down his cheeks, Rose suspected it was more than just a reality-TV ritual gesture.
Fortunately, the boat sinking had been at the end of the episode, so all they still had to film was Thor wrapping things up. ‘Amazing scenes here tonight on The Dock – Poseidon himself would salute this girl’s valour.’
‘Poseidon’s not a Norse god!’ someone had yelled out.
‘We’ll edit that part out,’ Thor had replied.
While the contestants and audience were being separately shepherded off the dock, Rose had been led to a folding chair behind some camera equipment. Someone found a white fluffy towel in the warehouse and draped it over her shoulders. It was almost the size of a bedsheet. The police had been called, but the officers had left after speaking briefly to Rose.
An hour had passed since then, and apart from a few crew members packing up the gear, the dock was deserted. Rose wondered what was going to happen now. Was she in trouble? Should she just go home? Then a production assistant asked Rose to follow her to the site office inside the warehouse. Wrapping the towel around her, Rose got up and went inside.
Sitting at one of the desks in the admin space was a figure who stood up as she approached. As he complimented her, she realised she was speaking to Leary Barker, her boss’s boss.
‘Hi,’ he said as they both sat down. ‘My name’s Leary Barker, I’m the Executive Producer at Endeavour Productions.’
Rose smiled. ‘I know,’ she said. ‘We’ve met. Twice.’
‘I never forget a face,’ Leary said, not looking at Rose’s face.
‘The second time was three hours ago.’
‘Well, I’m definitely going to remember you after that little stunt you pulled outside.’
‘Am I in trouble?’ Rose said.
Leary laughed. ‘Didn’t you hear that crowd? They loved you! They’re loving you online right now, and they’re gonna love you even more on TV. The network wants that footage for the news tonight. You’re a natural!’
‘Well, I was on the diving team in year eight …’
‘Yeah, you made sure we got it from all three camera positions,’ Leary enthused. ‘And you knew how to give us that kind of coverage without any training. Like I said: you were born for this stuff!’ His gaze drifted. ‘You looked pretty good coming out of the water, too.’
Rose narrowed her eyes and tugged the folds of the towel closer together. ‘I just wanted to make sure the dog was okay. It would have been bad for the show if he’d drowned.’
‘What are you talking about?’ Leary said. ‘It would’ve been great! Of course, if it’d been the dog-on-your-boat challenge and the dog died, that would’ve been bad for us. But when contestants screw up, it’s always good television.’
He saw the expression on Rose’s face. ‘But what you did was even better.’
‘Because the dog … lived?’
‘Yeah, that too,’ Leary said. ‘Don’t worry, Beverley will be fine. Snuggles has already got a recurring role lined up on Deep Sea Dog. Anyway, I’ll get right to the point. Bernie tells me you work for us. You’re a tradie on The Dock.’
Rose nodded.
‘We want to bring you over to Mansions in the Sky.’ He paused, dramatically.
‘Okay?’ Rose said.
‘This season’s already been in production for a month, but luckily we’re still in the blue sky phase,’ said Leary, ‘so we can slot you in easily. It’d be a shame to waste someone with your abilities on The Dock. There are a lot more on-camera opportunities on Mansions.’ He broke off, considering. ‘It’s early days, but maybe we can even consider a segment on How’s It Goin’ Australia.’
‘Segment doing what?’ Rose said.
‘You know. Handy … work … fixing … stuff?’ Leary looked at her. ‘The kind of stuff you know how to do.’
‘And is that what I’m going to be doing on Mansions in the Sky?’
‘This is a great opportunity,’ Leary said. ‘For me in particular, but also for you. You’ll be a fool to pass it up and languish here on The Dock.’
‘Look,’ Rose said, ‘Thanks for the offer, but I’m really not sure –’
She was interrupted by Leary’s phone ringing loudly. His ringtone was a clip of obnoxious hip-hop. ‘Yes?’ Leary barked into the phone. ‘What? Arrrgh.’ He stood up. ‘Trotsky’s acting up again? Someone needs to kick that guy in his little red book.’ He walked away, still shouting into the phone.
Once he was out of earshot, Rose pulled out her own phone, which had stayed dry on the dock with her tool belt. ‘Nicola? Hi, can you talk?’
‘Yeah, I can talk,’ Nicola said. ‘Your dog rescue clip’s all over the internet! It’s amazing – how did you –’
‘I don’t have long,’ Rose said hurriedly, ‘I’m in a meeting with my boss. My boss-boss. I’m not sure what’s going on – I think he’s offering me a job on Mansions in the Sky. Should I take it?’
‘Whoa!’ said Nicola. ‘Um, do you think you’re up for that?’
‘Well, yeah? Won’t they just have me in a different shed, cutting wood? I’m more worried about the travel. I’ve been out there – it’s the middle of nowhere. It’s a total pain to get to.’
‘No, at Mansions the tradies work on the set while they’re filming. You’ll actually be on TV. And each episode goes to air only a week after it’s filmed.’
‘Is that unusual?’
‘Hell yeah,’ Nicola said. ‘These shows usually take months to edit. Mansions is built around the gimmick that it’s almost live – you never know what’s going to happen, and if something goes wrong they just have to roll with it.’
‘That sounds pretty stressful. But I’m going to be in the background, right?’
‘Haven’t you even seen it? No – of course you haven’t. Okay, they renovate homes …’
‘Yeah, I know that,’ Rose said.
‘But the tradies are working with the contestants. Tradies are like money on this show. When you win a round, you get more time with tradies to help work on your house. They’ll be fighting over you.’
‘Sounds more like slavery to me.’
‘Well, they reorganise it each week. Winners get more tradies, get more done. Losers get less tradie time, and they get less done and start falling behind. Their house ends up a dump.’
‘Some of the houses look like dumps already,’ Rose said.
‘Yeah, some of the houses are easy to renovate. They hardly need any work. Others basically need to be built from the ground up – the contestants are hard pressed just to get the house to a basic standard, let alone win. But that’s the thing about Mansions,’ Nicola said. ‘You have to work with what you get. For the contestants it’s a roll of the dice.’
‘Doesn’t sound fair to me.’
‘Course not! It’s rigged as fuck,’ Nicola said. ‘The producers decide who’s getting which house to create the most drama. Put the nice people in the tough house, and the bitches in the easy house, and then have the viewers get riled up because they think horrib
le people are getting an easy run.’
‘So it’s a more complicated show than The Dock?’
‘Well, it’s the biggest reality show on the network. Or, it was. It hasn’t been doing well this year. The live gimmick worked last year, but now people are kind of over it – most of the audience is switching over to The Slab on Channel 8. It’s basically Mansions, but they also investigate unsolved murders.’ Nicola paused. ‘Of course! That must be why they want you on Mansions – because you saved that dog!’
‘It’s definitely because I saved the dog. My boss just told me the footage has gone viral.’
Nicola laughed. ‘That explains it. You’re next week’s teaser. It’s a ratings stunt – Mansions is the dog you’re gonna save next. But you should make sure you sign on for the whole season, not just a guest appearance. The Dock’s only got six more weeks of filming left, but Mansions will go for at least two months, easy. You’ll make heaps more, especially if they like having you in front of the camera. Mansions has a bit where the contestants fight over individual tradies for fancy work. They call them Ninja Tradies.’
‘What? Like, dressed as ninjas?’
‘No, they just call them that. Sometimes they get to pick and choose which tradies they want to work with. Like … maybe if you got close to one contestant in particular …’ Nicola laughed.
‘You think I’d get to work with Dave?’
Nicola scoffed. ‘Please. As if that wasn’t the first thing you thought about.’
‘So, I should take the job?’ Rose said.
‘Definitely! Just make sure to get it in writing.’
‘Thanks, Nicola,’ Rose said, ‘sorry to bother you with this on a work day. Hang on – why are you working on a Sunday?’
‘They’re finally putting the love robot online so people can interact with it. I’m just waiting around to translate the first batch of results. And anyway.’ Nicola laughed. ‘Japan doesn’t have Sundays.’
‘What are you talking about?’
‘They don’t have God either.’
‘You’re just making shit up now,’ Rose said.
‘Gotta go,’ Nicola said. ‘Hail Satan,’ and she hung up.
As Rose ended the call, she saw she had thirty-seven notifications. Twelve of them were from Renton. She’d just started scrolling through her messages when Leary returned.
‘So,’ he said, ‘are you all set for your special guest appearance next week?’
‘I’m all set to sign a contract transferring me over to Mansions in the Sky for the remainder of this season.’
For the first time, Leary looked at Rose as if actually seeing her. ‘Really?’ he said. Then he nodded. ‘Yeah, we can make that work. You do know what you’re doing, right? Workwise?’
‘Of course. I’m a qualified cabinetmaker.’
‘Yeah, well if the audience doesn’t like you, I guess we can always keep you in the background. First thing tomorrow morning, ask Cody for the paperwork. You know where the set is.’
‘Yeah, I do,’ said Rose. ‘Guess you do remember me after all.’
‘You’re a sharp one,’ he said. ‘I’ll have to keep an eye on you.’
Rose had planned to get to work early, but got lost along the way. She hoped this wouldn’t happen every morning – surely, she would eventually figure out the route through these looping back streets? There were hardly any distinguishing landmarks, and some of the intersections didn’t even have street signs. If she kept the morning sun behind her, she knew she was heading roughly in the right direction.
Once she got past the established houses, the only thing she’d seen had been a youngish couple out for a walk … or maybe even still walking home from the night before. There was nothing anywhere within a 15-minute drive of them. But eventually, she spotted the PENIS billboard and knew she was nearly there.
It was right on nine when Rose arrived at the Mansions in the Sky court. Making sure the printout of the parking permit that Endeavour Productions had emailed her was visible on the dashboard, she turned in to the vacant lot on the corner that was being used as a car park, then braked abruptly as a young female production assistant stepped out in front of her. Rose only just managed to stop in time.
Rose leaned out the window, squinting through the dust that was still billowing up from her tyres. ‘Watch it!’ The PA wasn’t looking at her; she held up a finger to signal that she’d get to Rose in a minute. Rose waited as the PA listened intently to a stream of instructions in her headset.
‘You’re Rose?’ the PA said eventually.
Rose nodded.
‘Great, they’re sending a cart for you now. We’ll get this parked.’
Dubiously, Rose handed over her keys. Were they going to get it washed, too? Behind her she heard a quiet electrical purr: a golf cart being driven by another PA. ‘Rose, to the site office?’ the PA said expectantly.
‘That’s me.’ She got into the golf cart as the first PA began to drive her ute into the car park.
‘There sure are a lot of you PAs here,’ Rose said by way of conversation as they trundled towards the site office.
‘You can’t spell “top-quality nightly reality programming” without “PA”.’
Rose’s brow furrowed as she processed this. ‘I guess that’s –’
‘We’re here!’ The cart came to a halt.
Rose realised they were already outside the site office. As she got out of the cart she peered back; her ute was parked perhaps ten metres away. ‘Thanks,’ she said, but the golf cart was already whizzing away.
Remembering her humiliation on her first visit, Rose took the dirt path around the side of the house and knocked on the back door. Nothing happened, so Rose pushed it open.
Cody Somerville was looking over a clipboard another PA had just handed her. Today, her oversized cardigan was blue, and a pen was skewered through her hair. She nodded, and with a grunt she handed back the clipboard. The PA scurried from the room. Cody turned to Rose.
‘Rose! I knew you’d be back,’ Cody said. She riffled through the pile of documents in front of her and handed Rose a sheaf of pages. ‘Here’s your paperwork.’
‘Thanks,’ Rose said. It looked like a standard employment contract; she didn’t read the whole thing closely, but checked that she was indeed hired until the end of the season.
Cody was staring coolly at her. ‘All good?’
‘Uh, yes,’ Rose said. ‘Have you got a pen?’
Cody pulled the pen from her hair and threw it at Rose, who caught it. ‘Nice reflexes,’ Cody said. ‘That’s what we like to see here.’
Rose signed and dated the form, and handed it over; Cody co-signed it with an illegible flourish and tucked it back among the other papers.
‘Welcome back,’ said Cody, sticking the pen through her hair again. ‘Once you get bitten by the Mansions bug, there’s no cure! Three guys died from it last week.’
‘What?’
‘Yeah, now they’re in the mansions in the sky.’
‘You mean in the show?’
Cody looked at her for a long moment. ‘Just joshing. But we did put ’em on septic tank duty. Now they wish they were dead! The sewerage system hasn’t reached this far out yet. Don’t tell the first-home buyers!’
Rose stared at her.
‘I knew we made a good decision hiring you – you know when to keep your mouth shut.’ Cody laughed. ‘I know it takes a while to get used to me – I think fast, and I talk faster.’
Rose nodded.
‘Good. Get over to make-up. You’re like a spud fresh out of the ground – you’ve got dirt under the eyes. Not that there’s anything wrong with potatoes. My cousin’s a potato – a couch potato! That’s a joke! Make-up trailer’s back out where you came.’
Cody turned back to the mound of paperwork on her desk. She licked her inde
x finger and began to flick through the pages. Rose knew this was her signal to get out of there.
The make-up trailer was easy enough to find. Mounted on a truck, it backed onto the vacant lot where the craft services marquee was set up. Rose climbed the short flight of steps up to the open door. ‘Hello?’ she said, peeking her head in.
Inside, the trailer was painted white, and glowed in the light from the LEDs around the mirrors that lined one wall. A row of make-up chairs faced the mirror, and a hairdresser’s sink occupied one corner. Two casually dressed women were lounging in the chairs, checking their phones: a brown-skinned woman about Rose’s age, wearing dangly earrings, and a woman in her forties who was wearing her auburn hair in lavish, bouncy waves.
‘Come on in,’ said the older woman. ‘You’re the new tradie?’
‘That’s me,’ Rose said. ‘I’m Rose. I guess I’m here for my … makeover?’
The two women looked at each other and burst out laughing.
‘I don’t know about that,’ said the younger woman, her earrings jingling merrily. ‘For a start, there’d be no point today – the contestants are out on a buying day, so nobody would be filming our hard work.’
‘Oh,’ Rose said.
‘Don’t worry, darl, we’ll gussy you up tomorrow,’ the older woman said. ‘Today’s just a consultation. I’m Tania, by the way – head of make-up.’
‘And I’m Nita – hair stylist,’ said the younger woman. ‘To be perfectly honest with you, we don’t exactly get to work magic around here. I mainly do blow-outs. And Tania just sprays some fake tan on the blokes.’
‘Though I wouldn’t mind being fairy godmother to some of those boys,’ added Tania slyly.
Nita rolled her eyes and gestured to one of the vacant chairs. ‘Have a seat, and let’s see what we’re working with.’
Rose sat down and allowed the hairdresser to free her hair from its elastic band. ‘Hmm,’ Nita said, tousling Rose’s hair at the roots and rearranging hanks of it over her shoulders. ‘Leary told us to make her blonder, but men like him always think the blonder, the better, am I right?’