Expired Regrets

by Megan C. Smith

  “Yes. I love you,” he stated, as if it was as much of a well-known fact as the sky was blue.

  “No! You don’t love me. You have tortured me since day one. You have been mean to me at every turn. Around your friends, you refer to me as if I’m an annoying gnat that disgusts you!” I continued on, jabbing my finger into his chest with each accusation, pouring every ounce of anger and aggression into it. “I hate you. You drive me crazy. You—”

  “You do not hate me!” He interrupted me, fire roaring in his eyes.

  In seconds, Bryant was lifting me in his arms and sealing his lips to mine in an earth-shattering kiss.

  I balled my fists and beat them into his chest as he continued to work my lips. I knew he was trying to find my weak point. He slammed my back against a wall in the tack room so hard it shook, and I gasped for the breath of air he’d forced from my lungs. Bryant took the opportunity to slip his tongue into my mouth, and I did the only thing that came to mind, bite down.

  Withdrawing a moment, he kept my back against the wall, searching my eyes for the spark I was trying to stifle inside me.

  “Rose, on the beach yesterday, you knew it was me. You felt me. There is no way you kiss Jordan like you kiss me. There is no mistaking the passion and feeling between us.”

  I attempted to argue but came up with nothing since inside I knew he was right.

  Bryant took that as his opportunity to reattempt his kiss.

  I mulled over my feelings for him. As much as I hated to admit it, he was right. My traitorous body had known the difference between Jordan’s tender kiss and Bryant’s passionate possession. Being with him was passionate, spurring fire through my veins with his look, his touch, and his kiss. From day one, I’d undeniably wanted him. He brought my body back to life, something I hadn’t felt for two long, lonely years.

  I opened my mouth to him, granting him entry.

  Carefully, he licked inside, probably checking to be sure that it was safe before pressing into me more.

  I kissed him back with everything I felt, and we tangled ourselves up in one another. I tasted a mix of sweetness and spice on his breath, reminding me of cinnamon rolls. I poured into him the raw carnal emotions that I possessed for him alone. Feeling like I would never be able to get my fill, I crushed my body into his more.

  Bryant moved to my neck, giving my brain a chance to attempt to break through with a voice of reason over the pounding of my heart that he was using again. I pushed him back, gasping for air, and tried to distance our bodies so that I could think clearly.

  “I can’t, Bryant. You only want me here. That isn’t enough for me,” I pleaded, desperately needing him to understand the hold he had on my heart.

  “Don’t you get it, Rose? I just kissed you on a beach in front of my friends and fought one of my best friends over you. I’ll send out a mass text right now saying you’re mine. I want you — all of you. You already own all of me,” Bryant declared, making my heart skip a beat.

  Those words were my undoing. Everything I’d wanted to hear was coming from his beautiful mouth. My body reacted instinctively, closing the distance between us quickly. I pressed my lips back to his, continuing the kiss I’d waited months for. I was dying to be closer to him, to touch him. I reached down, grasping the hem of his shirt and pulling it off over his head in a flash. I ran my hands down his chest and abs.

  Bryant moved his mouth down as he pulled my shirt up to expose my breast, bustled up in a sports bra. He gave each one his devoted attention, suckling and massaging them to life before moving down to my pants.

  He quickly had the button of my pants unfastened, and he ripped them off. His fingers slipped down, finding me anxiously eagerly awaiting him. He let a moan escape his lips in my ear in appreciation. He dipped in a few times, massaging me from the inside.

  I arched my back in response and felt as if I was unraveling from the inside out. I pressed my breast into his waiting mouth so he could savor me some more.

  Bryant gently set me down on a saddle pad he had tossed down. Moving his mouth further down, he caressed my body with his lips and tongue. He reached the sensitive spot on my inner thigh, making me feel my body tighten up in response. Teasing me a moment, Bryant moved brushed his lips against me, tasting me, sending shivers down my body as it convulsed.

  A horse kicked the wall inside the barn, causing a loud bang and instantly shaking me out of the Bryant-induced haze I’d been in. Stunned, I realized the situation I’d let myself get in to. Blindsided by my body’s uncontrollable reaction to Bryant’s charm and charisma, my worst fear had been realized. I had betrayed Jordan.

  I leapt to my feet, quickly retrieving and replacing my clothes. I ran from the barn to my truck, Bryant hollering behind me. I knew he was trying to figure out what had happened.

  Throwing my truck in reverse and then drive, I peeled out of the parking lot as a great flood of tears escaped me. My phone lit up, ringing, showing Bryant’s number. I ignored it. It rang two more times, piercing my heart more each time, before finally going silent. A moment later, it rang again. This time Jordan’s name appeared, causing me to cry even harder. I snatched it up and held the power button until the screen tuned as black and dark as I felt on the inside.

  CHAPTER NINE

  After driving around for a while, my truck came to a stop, all on its own in a parking space. I could hear the waves crashing against the shoreline and smell the salt in the air. Looking around, I realized the sun was setting, and I had found my way back to the beach. Ironic, considering the events that had occurred there just the other day. I powered my phone on and called my mom to let her know I was safe and not to worry. Ever since our talk the other night, she had been much more understanding, giving me room to breathe, although I feared she was sliding to the other end of the spectrum and ignoring me.

  I toed off my boots and rolled my pant legs up. In need of being soothed by something bigger than I was, I made my way to the shoreline. I walked awhile, letting the cool ocean water wash over me, taking away the sand squishing between my toes. I took the time to think about Jordan, Bryant, and my feelings for both. While I was physically attracted to the two of them, the feelings behind the attraction were completely different. It was like comparing the sun to the moon, both essential and amazing, but impossible to compare.

  Bryant set me on fire; he was passionate, pushing me to the edge and bringing me back to life. He was irresistible.

  Jordan was my rock. He was tender and compassionate, always making me feel comfortable and secure. I sat down in the sand as the tears started to flow. I realized I was in quite the conundrum. In the end, only one could light up my world.

  “Thank God, I found you. I was terrified, Rose!” His voice soothed my soul and ripped it in two all at once.

  He’d found me. The floodgates reopened, and I sobbed uncontrollably. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into him. Leaning down, he kissed my forehead.

  I tried to tame my crying so I could speak, but it wasn’t so easy. I pulled in a few deep breaths and went to talk, but he beat me to it.

  “I know. I know what happened. Bryant called me, worried when you wouldn’t take his calls.”

  My mouth flopped open. Shaking my head, I hoped lightning would strike me dead right there.

  “Stop wishing yourself dead, Rose. I see it in your eyes. I don’t like the situation at all. Actually, I think I’ll take Bryant up on his offer to give him a matching black eye. He told me he poured all his feelings for you out and told you he loved you. I can’t compete with that pull you two have, because you’re young, and he intrigues you.”

  I scoffed at his words, rolling my eyes at this young stuff coming out again. I swore he thought I acted like I was twelve, not eighteen. I hadn’t missed how his tone had changed when he’d said Bryant loved me either.

  “I know — but you are young, Rose, and a part of you will always wonder how it would be with him. It kills me, because I know Bryant way better than you
do and have seen him in his… relationships. He will hurt you. I wish I could prevent that and save you the heartache, but I can’t. What I can do is let you know that I… I love you, too.” Shoulders slumped, he let out a resigned sigh. “I’ll be here for you. I’ll step back and be your friend. I’ll be here to save you when he shatters you into a million pieces.”

  I tried to say he was wrong, about what in particular, I wasn’t sure. I wished I could tell Jordan I wanted him, but it would just continue a lie that would hurt him more. I wanted to assure him Bryant wouldn’t hurt me, but that was a big unknown and, considering his track record, I wasn’t optimistic. Everything he’d said was probable, so I nodded as I cried even more, hugging him back, clinging to his promise.

  “But why, Jordan? I don’t deserve that — you should be angry at me too!” I blanched.

  “Because, Rose, you are an innocent in this all. You didn’t ask for Bryant to sweep in and knock you off your axis. I look in your eyes and see perfection. My perfection. Since that day at the festival, your eyes had a story in them that called to me. In your eyes I could see my future. I feel like I’ve known you my whole life. After you told me about Daren, I knew I would do anything to protect you from being hurt. I would walk through fire for you, Rose. You and I will be perfect together, but I need you to see it, to believe it. So for now, I will wait till the day I can get down on one knee and be the man you pick with your whole heart.”

  Sitting there in silence, we watched as the sun disappeared and the moon replaced it.

  After a while, Jordan broke the stillness, shifting me to stand. “Let’s get you home. I’m sure your mom is terrified. Please, tell me you at least called her this time?” He looked at me with a smirk.

  “Yes, I called her when I got here. She realizes I’m about to go to college and move out with Leslie, so she’s letting up. We had a good talk the other day.” I sighed, trying to figure out how to hold on to the moment, to keep talking so we wouldn’t move and things wouldn’t change. But I was unable to find the words.

  Jordan drove me home, leaving his truck at the beach. When we pulled in, I mustered the strength to break the silence, starting with an easy question. “How are you getting your truck back to get home?”

  Headlights hit the inside of my truck cab as Grant pulled in behind us.

  “Oh.”

  I fiddled with my hands until he reached over and held them in his, rubbing his thumb over the top, calming my nerves.

  “Jordan, I’m sorry. I am so incredibly sorry because you are amazing, and I feel so safe with you. I know I should be with you…” I murmured as a few tears escaped my fluttering eyelids.

  “But you want to be with him,” he finished.

  Jordan brought his hand up to cup my cheek, and I closed my eyes, leaning into his hand, cherishing the warmth he brought to my soul. He bent down to kiss my lips softly, and I accepted them against my own, praying I could feel more for him and take the safer road for my heart’s sake. Before I could get too comfortable, he pulled back and rested his forehead against mine a moment.

  Jordan kissed me once more on my nose and then moved his lips to my ears. “I will always be here for you, Rose, and I’ll be your hero.” He stepped out of the truck and briskly walked to Grant’s. He climbed in, and they drove off.

  The next day I woke up for school and dressed comfortably in a t-shirt, shorts, and Sperry boat shoes. While twisting my hair in a bun, I looked in the mirror and decided with the weekend I’d had, this was as good as it was going to get. I skipped breakfast and made my way toward my truck, calling a goodbye over my shoulder to my mom as I shut the door.

  Leslie was leaning against my truck, waiting for me. This was going to be bad.

  I looked to the ground, hoping the crack in the concrete would grow into a hole and swallow me. No such luck.

  “Hey, are you riding with me today?” I casually asked her.

  “Oh, I sure am. We need to talk, and you might have to loop the block a few times so I can say everything I want to.”

  I let out a huff, nodding as I climbed behind the wheel. I went to reach my pedals and realized my seat was pretty far back. The distance brought back to the forefront of my mind how selfless Jordan had been after I’d crushed him last night. Why couldn’t this be simple?

  Leslie climbed in, and seeing my eyes welling up with tears, her resolve weakened, and she started talking. “What happened to you two, Rose? You and Jordan seemed so good together.”

  “We were,” I defended, trying to consider my words carefully. “Jordan makes my life easy, but Bryant… Bryant brings me to life, makes it worth living. My head knows that Jordan is the safer choice, but my heart and my body can’t forget Bryant. I want — no, I need — the heat and passion Bryant gives me.”

  Leslie nodded in understanding and asked about what had happened last night. She let me vent, offering her input here and there, and then hugged me once I put the truck in park at school.

  The day passed quickly, thank goodness. Before I knew it, we were back in the truck heading to the barn, and I felt my anxiousness grow as the butterflies fluttered inside me.

  I went to CZ’s stall and found a rose and a note pinned to the door.

  I’m not sorry about yesterday, except that it hurt you.

  It’s time for our first date. –B

  Leslie giggled beside me, reading the note over my shoulder. “Gosh, looks like Bryant might be a romantic after all! What are you going to do?”

  I felt the smile creep on my face as things fell into place. I knew this was it, all or nothing. “I’m going on a date.”

  Leslie squealed, jumping up and down with excitement, when we heard Bryant chuckle behind us.

  “You ready, beautiful?” he crooned out.

  “Now? No, I am not ready now. Look at me! I need time.” I gestured to my appearance with a wave of my arms.

  “I’m looking at you. You’re stunning. Let’s go.” He grabbed my keys and tossed them to Leslie, winking in her direction.

  Bryant opened his passenger side door and helped me into the seat of his truck. He ran to the driver’s side and jumped in the truck, excitement radiating off him. I felt my cheeks fill with heat as he shot me his crooked lady-killer smile.

  Arriving at a fancy Italian restaurant, I glared at Bryant, wishing he would have understood my need to change and look nicer. Especially with him sitting beside me dressed in dark denim jeans and a polo shirt.

  Seeing my insecurity, he leaned in to kiss me before coming around to retrieve me from the truck.

  As we walked into the restaurant, the aroma of pasta and fresh baked bread was to die for. Some soft music sung in Italian played through the speakers. The hostess led us to a cozy booth, dimly lit with a votive in the center. Once seated, we were quickly greeted by the waiter. He took our drink order before disappearing again.

  “So, you called Jordan. Ballsy.” I knew it wasn’t the best thing to start with, but that had thrown me off yesterday. I wanted to know his intentions with that call, prior to my heart totally caving.

  He raised an eyebrow at me, shocked by my boldness. “Wow, Rose, don’t beat around the bush or anything.” He let out a nervous laugh, rubbing the back of his neck.

  I urged him to continue.

  “Yes, I called Jordan. You ran, and I tried to chase you down, but damn, you’re fast, and I was a bit… off-kilter. I tried to call you, but you ignored my calls. I was terrified you would get in a car crash or something worse in your frame of mind. Pouring my heart out to you and claiming you for myself put you in a tough place. I hurt you, and as much as I despise it, Jordan seems to hold your trust. After knocking the shit out of me, he told me about finding you and your talk. If you’ll have me, I want you, and, contrary to what he says, I won’t disappoint or hurt you. I have never felt like this about anyone or wanted someone as much as I want you.”

  His fingers reached up and wiped a tear I hadn’t even known had escaped. He brushed his lips ag
ainst mine, testing my emotions.

  The waiter came back, notepad in hand.

  I stared into Bryant’s eyes, deciding I desperately wanted him to finish what we’d started yesterday.

  “Are you hungry?” he asked me.

  My tongue slipped out, wetting my lips as I huskily replied, “Starving.” I looked to the waiter. “We will take an order of spaghetti each and a tiramisu. To go. Oh, and the check please.”

  Bryant’s face lit up with his breathtaking smile, and I felt the heat pool in my core, eager to get the festivities going. He reached his arms out and pulled me to him. His mouth captured my lips forcefully, his kiss filled with desperation. As his fingers traced lines up and down my back, goose bumps ran from head to toe.

  The waiter returned quickly with our food boxed and bagged, probably worried we were about to break a few health-code violations. Bryant handed him a card and removed his lips for just a moment to thank the waiter for being so understanding.

  “Rose, you’ve got me on fire wanting you,” Bryant breathlessly said as he gasped for air.

  The waiter came back, pen open, and Bryant hastily signed the check, allowing us to leave. We got to his truck, and he opened the door and helped me in with a smack on my butt.

  I turned to give him my best appalled look, but he just laughed, calling my bluff.

  He zipped around to his seat and grabbed my hand once he was buckled in, anchoring him to me as he pulled out, tires squeaking on the asphalt.

  “Excited much?” I laughed.

  “Alone time with you? Rose, excited is an understatement. I’ve only been craving and trying to ignore the desperation I felt for this day for a few months now!”

  He headed into town as an alarming thought struck me. “Bryant, where are we going?” I nervously inquired.

  “To my apartment. I don’t think your mom would be too keen on me getting friendly with her daughter under her roof.”

  I blushed in response but stayed focused on the information I was trying to obtain. I wasn’t entirely sure where Bryant lived, and I, under no circumstances, wanted to rub it in Jordan’s face.