Expired Regrets

by Megan C. Smith

  The sun was coming up, and still no news from the doctor since they’d taken Rose to the operating room. My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I pulled it out, wondering who was calling me. I saw Grant’s number flash on the caller ID.

  “Hey, Grant,” I said with a huff as I answered the phone.

  “Hey, Bry, what’s going on, man? Les and I were heading to get some breakfast. You wanna come, or are you still working?”

  I sighed into the phone, trying to arrange my words so he could get Leslie here safely.

  “I can’t go. I’m not working, but I can’t go,” Shit, this isn’t coming out right. Spit it out. I pulled in a deep breath to fill my lungs. “Grant, listen, man.”

  I heard nothing from him and realized he’d pulled the phone away and was talking to Leslie, so I listened.

  “Well, honey, maybe she stopped to rest. She hadn’t slept, and that traffic forced her off the interstate, so she’d probably just decided to catch some sleep in the truck.”

  “Grant!” I hollered to regain his attention, knowing who Leslie was looking for and exactly where she could find her.

  “Hey, man, sorry. Um… not sure if I mentioned it, but Rose is Leslie’s maid of honor, of course. Anyway, Leslie demanded she come down today, and she left late last night. We just haven’t heard from her, and you know my worry wart,” he said with a chuckle, and I could see him poking Leslie as he teased her.

  I winced my eyes in pain as I spoke the words I knew would shatter their mood. “She’s in the hospital.”

  “What!” Grant roared down the phone at me. “No, she was in Lutz and had just hit congestion. I told Leslie she probably stopped at a rest area. You know how she despised traffic.”

  Grant was grasping at straws before he whispered, “How do you know? Why would they call you?”

  “I was the paramedic on scene.”

  “Oh shit!” he said with a chuckle, the full weight of the situation not hitting him yet. “That had to be quite an awkward moment. What? Did she rear end someone and get a kink in her neck? Tell me you called out another rig and didn’t torture her with a ride from you. No wonder you texted me at four A.M.”

  Instead of feeding into his banter, I ignored it and spoke carefully, trying to not get choked up. “Listen, man. You need to get Leslie here. I already called her mom. She was hit by a guy, and it caused her truck to flip over several times before skidding to a halt. She was unconscious and had a lot of severe injuries. She’s in the operating room as we speak. I’m waiting for the doctor to come out to speak to me.”

  “We’ll be right there” was his short reply, and I heard Leslie cry in the background before he disconnected the call.

  Within minutes, Leslie’s voice sounded as she rushed in to the ER. Her hair was pulled back, and her face was all splotchy from crying as she held a tissue. Grant’s arm holding her close to him.

  “Where is she? Have you heard anything?” She quickly interrogated me.

  I heard the doors to my right swing open as the doctor I knew had been working on Rose walked out toward us. My anxiety went through the roof, and I analyzed his face, looking for any telltale signs of the news he was about to deliver. I got to my feet and felt Leslie’s hand reach over to hold mine. I squeezed back, hoping it would keep me whole when the doctor tore my world apart.

  “Are you guys family?” the doctor asked, making eye contact with each of us.

  Leslie spoke up quickly, determined to not be ignored. “I’m her sister.”

  He raised an eyebrow and then nodded, probably knowing he wasn’t escaping her without giving some details. “Rose was brought in already flat-lining due to the extent of her injuries. This gentleman here did everything in his power to save her life,” he said, tilting his head toward me as Leslie squeezed my hand harder.

  I closed my eyes and felt the tears gather.

  The doctor’s face looked so exhausted. “We rushed her into the operating room and put her onto a bypass system to try to regain some ground, but there was a lot of blood loss,” he continued, before pausing to shake his head as he recalled the operation.

  Leslie’s sobbing picked up intensity, and I felt a wave of nausea wash over me. I knew where this conversation was going. I’d heard it before. Hell, I’d given it before, trying to explain to a family who was looking for a miracle that I’d tried it with all my might, but had ultimately failed them.

  I wiggled my hand from Leslie’s grasp, and she looked to me, shaking her head, trying to tell me to not leave.

  I couldn’t do it. I turned around and strode right out the ER doors. For the second time in my life, I had failed Rose, first costing her our daughter and now her own life.

  Say hi to your Mommy, baby girl. She’s coming to take care of you.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Bryant

  I sat on the bench outside the hospital, wanting to get away, but realizing Greg had taken the rig back. I’d thought about walking but had decided that I’d wait for Grant and Leslie, in hopes they’d give me a ride. I had so many regrets that I wished I could go back and undo. If I could go back, I’d start at day one, when I’d known I liked her and had wasted time picking on her.

  From day one, there had been an undeniable connection that I’d ignored, and now I could kick myself for it. Thinking back, as soon as I’d gotten to that accident scene, my brain had registered the red truck. My heart lurched, knowing its other half was in there scared and slowly dying. I slammed my fist into the metal bench and welcomed the pain as it coursed through my body — no amount would ever compare to what I felt in my heart.

  My brain was flooded with the regrets and the do-overs, but most importantly, the day I’d destroyed her. I could have gotten a paramedic job up in Tallahassee, but the manager here had pumped me up, and it had felt so perfect knowing this was the way to take care of Rose and our baby. I’d seen dollar signs and had accepted quickly, without even talking to Rose, knowing full well she and Leslie had been planning for FSU for a lifetime. When we’d fought about it, I’d had no defense, because I’d known she was right. I had jumped the gun, feeling like it was the smartest decision on my own. I’d known for over a week and had avoided talking to her about it. I really was a coward, like Rose had said. Now, just thinking about how I’d handled the whole situation made me cringe…

  After getting Rose to the barn, I stormed off, needing to get away and think it all through; obviously, I wasn’t separating from her. I hiked up to the clearing in the woods and twirled the jewelry box that held a diamond ring in my hand, thinking how much better it would be with a few paychecks under my belt. She wouldn’t leave once I proposed and she saw how good this job was, although, I knew Rose could hold a grudge like no other, but she wouldn’t be able to ignore how good this all was for our family.

  I looked to my phone and realized an hour had passed by, but she hadn’t called me. No reception — go figure. I walked toward the road again, and my phone beeped with a text from Rose, oh yeah, she’s still pissed. I decided to call a friend from paramedic school to come get me to grab a few beers and hash it out. My phone rang relentlessly from Leslie, Grant, and Jordan. I assumed that they were calling to lecture me about smothering her dreams. When it rang again, I pushed the power button to shut my phone off and silence the annoyance.

  Couple more hours went by, and I was pretty intoxicated and decided to check my phone to see if Rose had calmed down and called yet. My buddy understood my line of thinking, and I felt resolved in my decision to take the job, to be the man of the house and provide for our family. Isn’t that what every normal girl wanted? I had a few messages from the gang and decided to just ignore those until I could speak with Rose; she was the only one who could call off the attack team. I wanted to talk to her to see if I could gauge her mood when my phone rang with Jordan’s number.

  Seriously? Leave it to him to swoop in and be the hero of the day, Mr. Amazing. I’m sure he was filling her ear with how this was exactly what he’d meant,
and that he still loved her. With a smug grin, I answered the phone and told him off, hanging up before he could get a word out. I was intoxicated for sure. I decided it wasn’t the best time to call Rose to press my point about being a grown mature person in my current condition, so I headed to my apartment to sleep it off. I planned to go see her later at home. When she didn’t have her support group to murder and bury me.

  My eyes filled with more tears as I choked back sobs. I remembered getting to her house and only her mom’s vehicle was there…

  I knocked on the door, figuring her mom would be safe and would understand, since she’d given me a very stern lecture about supporting my family and getting my priorities in check when we’d told her Rose was pregnant.

  Mrs. Barnes’s answered the door, shaking and crying.

  “What? What’s wrong?” I asked in a panic, knowing it was Rose.

  She just kept blubbering and wouldn’t answer me, so I reached out and grabbed her arms.

  I gave her a shake and yelled, “What. Is. Wrong!?”

  Her eyes cleared out from a haze, and she finally answered me, telling me Rose had been in an accident and had lost the baby. My world fell out from under me as I ran and jumped into my truck. Blowing through every stop sign and red light, I exceeded the speed limit until I whipped into a parking space at the hospital and ran in.

  I went to the desk, and the night nurse could obviously see the panic in my eyes. A security guard stepped closer, apparently trying to decide if I was a threat or not. I explained who I was, and the nurse gave me the room number and directions to get there. I walked down the hallway as quick as possible, trying to avoid the attention of any more security guards and finally got to her room. I knocked lightly, and when nobody responded, I opened the door a crack to peek inside.

  The lights were all off except a small one by the nurses’ computer, and I could see Rose’s tiny frame turned on her side, sleeping. I crept in and took the seat that had been scooted up close to her bedside, reaching for her hand to hold. Few moments later, she started stirring, and I felt her squeeze my hand. I jumped up, thanking God she was alive, then spat out some apologies that didn’t even touch on the remorse I was feeling as the sobs I’d been fighting back overcame me and wracked through my body.

  “GET OUT!”

  Wait — What? I blinked and gaped at her, yelling at me like a firecracker ready to explode. I tried to step closer, hoping to convey my apology better, but she stopped me, quickly shutting my efforts down. I cringed in physical pain, like I’d just been sucker-punched by the guys, as she chewed me up and spit me out. When she paused for a breath, I took the opportunity to stammer out some excuses, but they just fell on deaf ears.

  The nurse stepped in, lecturing me about upsetting her. I wanted to scream. I wasn’t causing her grief. I was living it and suffering it with her. Who better to help her though it than me? Rose attempted to kick me out, but I put my foot down and refused to leave as the nurse ushered me to the door. I glanced over my shoulder for a final look. The nurse began to take vitals, and I could Rose concealing the amount of pain she was suffering. I wanted to wrap her up in my arms so bad and hold her.

  Then came the final blow. She put me on the deny list and then informed the nurse that I’d want to see my daughter. She hammered the last nail in with a Jordan jab.

  I stepped out and the nurse led me toward an area of the nursery that was sectioned off, away from the happy families who were smiling down on their babies. A few new parents looked at my disastrous appearance and where I was heading and quickly returned their gaze to their precious babies.

  The nurse opened a door to a private room that was in front of us, and my feet were suddenly glued to the floor. I shook my head forcefully, clearing my thoughts and conveying a message.

  “I… c-can’t,” I stuttered out at her.

  “Oh, I know it’s hard, honey, I’m so sorry for your loss,” she said in a soft soothing voice. What did she know about MY loss? I turned around and ran from the hospital, not giving a damn if every security guard in the hospital chased me out. Maybe if I were lucky, they’d shoot me and put me out of my misery. I jumped in my truck and went to the closest bar to drown my sorrows.

  I reached up to wipe my eyes as that day played through my memory.

  I tried to beat my way to Rose a few times, but wasn’t granted access by the bodyguards, Leslie and Jordan, who were with her 24/7. She was staying with Jordan and Grant at their apartment. I knew she was done with me, and I had no chance the day I went to her house, in hopes she’d moved back to get ready for Tallahassee.

  Her mom opened the door, looking at me as if I’d been expected all along, but because Rose’s truck wasn’t there, I thought I was getting access to the inner sanctum to wait for her. I turned as I heard the door click behind me, and she motioned for me to go up to Rose’s room.

  When I entered it, I could feel the life and spirit of the room was gone. All the clothes had been packed, and some personal items, usually sitting out, were missing as well. The only things that remained were our photos, the ultrasounds images, and an urn with an intricate design that held our little girl. A piece of paper was propped up against it.

  I saw my name scrawled on the stationary and sat down to read it, tensing up for what was inside. The ink had run where the letter was soaked in tears, the words ripping my heart out and stomping on it, until it was in tiny pieces. She had said goodbye to me in that message, but I wasn’t ready. I would always be connected to Rose, my heart forever hers and Angelica’s.

  I lifted my head to see Grant searching for someone and tossed my hand in a sort of wave at him. He quickly strode over and sat next to me.”

  You okay?”

  The tears I had tried to push back fought their way back to the front. I looked again and realized Leslie wasn’t with him.

  “Where is Les? I can’t imagine you would be able to leave her right now. What? Did you have to Baker Act her?” I asked, trying to laugh at my joke, but making a squeaking noise. There was no hope for me.

  “She is inside, sent me to find you. We thought you ran away.”

  “I thought about it, man, I really did. Then I remembered I’d arrived by ambulance and Greg had taken it back, so I was stuck here. Kind of hoped you’d give me a ride,” I explained, shrugging my shoulders at how pitiful I had become. “God, I can still see that accident scene. It was one of the worst I’d ever attended. The neighbor who had called in to 911 was in her robe and slippers, upset, and the guy who’d hit Rose was so freaked. Greg checked on her first, since we’d split up to assess each vehicle. He knew then it was bad,” I recalled, shaking my head.

  Grant scoffed, and it rang wrong in my ears with the way the day had begun.

  “Seriously, did you put Leslie in a straightjacket?” I asked, again, realizing she still hadn’t joined us.

  “You know, you are the most thick-skulled person. I don’t think you’ll ever learn,” Grant said, half-heartedly chuckling as his hand rubbed his neck.

  I clenched my fist in response, wanting so bad to punch him for laughing, as I sat outside the hospital grieving.

  “Bry — she’s alive.”

  I quickly got to my feet as I felt the relief wash over me. “What? B-but the doctor—” I sputtered out, trying to recall the speech that I’d heard countless times.

  “Like I said, you’ll never learn. You left before he finished talking and ran. Again. They had to work their asses off, but they got everything stabilized. She’s in the room, heavily medicated they said, so she’ll be sleeping for a bit. They said the next twenty-four hours were critical, but they’re optimistic.”

  I moved to go toward the door as quickly as possible, but Grant grabbed my arm and halted me.

  “Hey,” he started then paused, apparently considering his words carefully. “Do you think it’s a good idea to be in that room when she wakes up? Not like you guys are on good terms.”

  I stared him down with cold hard eye
s. “I don’t care. I’m going to be there until I know she is okay and kicks me out. She’s the love of my life.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  Bryant

  I stepped into Rose’s room to find Leslie, not Baker Acted, holding her limp hand, lecturing her about driving with no sleep. I let out a throaty cough to let her know I was there, but Leslie just kept on tearing into Rose about how, if she would have slept, the construction would have been packed up for the day… and there wouldn’t have been any traffic… and then they could be heading out for lunch now.

  I muffled a chuckle at the craziness of her banter, and she shot daggers at me over her shoulder.

  “Shut up, Bryant, or you’ll need a paramedic and hospital bed all on your own.” As I crossed to her, I could see the tears she was holding back in her eyes, and I pulled her into a hug where she sat.

  She stood, and I took over her post.

  “I’m going to go grab a coffee and sit with Grant. If she so much as blinks or a machine beeps, you get me. Understand?”

  I nodded in response out of fear.

  The rest of the day was uneventful as Rose just lay there, like expected, sleeping. Her leg and arm were in casts, and she had stitches on the gash, as I’d figured. I mentally patted myself on the back at having evaluated her injuries accurately.

  Leslie stepped back in and offered to give me a break. I gave her the same warning, which honestly made more sense coming from my mouth, since I actually knew what the beeps meant. Leslie just chuckled, giving my hand a squeeze as Grant dragged me from her bedside to the cafeteria for some food. The food was disgusting, but I pushed it around with my plastic fork to appease him as he tried to talk to me.

  “Alright, I can tell this is pointless. Ready to head back?”

  My trash was dumped, and I was at the door before he could even push his chair in. Walking to me, he just shook his head and laughed in defeat.