by Jessa Russo
He held me and comforted me in a way Frankie never could, but it still wasn’t as comforting as seeing Frankie would have been.
“I don’t want you to go,” Toby said, as he left a trail of kisses just underneath my chin from ear to ear.
“So, come with me.” Oh! Where had that come from? The look on his face told me it was too late to take the words back. I averted my eyes so Toby could throw on some flannel pajama pants, and we quietly snuck back across the yards and into my room.
As soon as we were inside, I opened my door to listen for any noise coming from the rest of the house. It seemed quiet enough—as it should at that time of morning—so I closed the door and turned back around only to have the life scared out of me when I came face to face with a very angry ghost.
Frankie stood directly in between Toby and me, pure disgust clear on his face.
I was completely devastated by the situation and totally confused as to how to explain Frankie to Toby.
Worse than that, how would I explain Toby to Frankie?
“Shit,” I whispered.
Toby heard me and came to stand next to me, walking through Frankie in the process. I realized that Toby couldn’t see Frankie. Somehow, Frankie was invisible to Toby. I didn’t understand it, not even the slightest bit, but that part was irrelevant.
Why Toby couldn’t see Frankie didn’t matter.
Because Frankie could see Toby.
The initial shock of seeing Frankie there quickly turned to embarrassment as I realized what he must have thought of me. I had two guys in my room, and I was pretty sure I had just seriously damaged my relationship with one of them.
I suddenly felt embarrassed and ashamed, and my heart broke as I watched Frankie disappear from the room, his disgusted expression slowly replaced with one of pain.
“Oh, god.”
“Hey, what’s wrong? Come here.” Toby pulled me over to the bed with him, covering us both with my blankets, then kissed me gently on the forehead. “Are you still upset about your nightmare? It was only a dream, Ev. Why don’t you try to get a little more sleep?”
If he only knew. I wish it had been only a dream. The nightmare I had already forgotten—as always—but the look on Frankie’s face … the look on Frankie’s face I would never forget.
Toby fell right back into a deep sleep, his arms cocooned around me. I couldn’t go back to sleep after that, however, and I lay there in Toby’s arms, listening to his breathing, torn between my feelings for him and my feelings for Frankie.
There was no denying how much I had fallen for Toby and how much I should have been enjoying this time with him—the closeness of his body next to mine, the warmth of his breath on my neck as he slept. I should have been in heaven. It was everything I’d been wishing about for the past month. Toby was back. And he loved me.
But it was clear, now, that Frankie loved me too.
Somewhere along the way, Frankie’s feelings had grown to mirror my own, and just because we couldn’t actually act upon those feelings didn’t make them any less real or any less painful. I knew that without a doubt. I’d lived it.
I had broken his heart tonight, breaking pieces of my own in the process.
I would never forget the look on his face.
As I lay in Toby’s arms, I watched the clock tick off the minutes through the early morning. 4:13, 4:14, 4:15 … 4:57, 4:58, 4:59 … when I finally woke up, it was 7:54, and I was alone in my bed.
The little sleep I had helped my mind make sense of what happened. I loved Frankie, and probably always would, but no matter what we felt for each other, whether one-sided or mutual, we’d never be together. I sighed and rolled over, wishing Toby was still lying with me.
When the phone on my desk rang, I jumped out of bed. Who’s calling this early? I picked it up, said hello, and smiled broadly when I heard who it was.
“Hey, babe.”
“Hey. Where’d you go?”
“I didn’t want to be there when your mom woke up. I tried to wake you, but you were out, so I let you sleep. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. Was I snoring?”
“No,” he answered way too quickly and then laughed.
Damn. I’d for sure been snoring.
“Meet me outside at nine?”
“Sure!” I answered. “Where’re we going?’
“You’ll see.”
We hung up, and I sighed. A long, cheesy movie sigh.
Toby was back in my life. Everything was okay. I chose to move forward with Toby. I pushed everything else aside and hoped that my feelings for Frankie would eventually go away.
I got into the shower, refusing to think about him, but his face kept popping into my mind, breaking my thoughts into little fragments of nothingness that floated around his dejected expression. That expression would haunt me for a very long time.
By the time I was ready to meet Toby, my heart still ached for Frankie, but the concern was slowly being replaced by my excitement.
I was finally back together with Toby.
I checked on my mom a little before nine. She was sound asleep on the couch, still in yesterday’s clothes. She must have fallen asleep there after she’d said goodnight to me. I had a quick pang of worry and contemplated staying to see if she needed me, but in remembering her words from last night, I stopped myself. She had made the decision to snap out of it, so instead of staying with her—and in turn mothering her—I left a note with Toby’s cell number, adding that if she needed me, I would come back home right away.
I was relieved not to see Frankie on my way out of the house, not having the slightest clue what I would say to him. I knew I couldn’t avoid him forever, but for the time being, I just wanted to enjoy my day with Toby.
Toby wasn’t outside, but since it was so early on a Saturday morning, I didn’t want to knock on the door in case his dad was still sleeping. I’d hate to get chewed out by him first thing in the morning. I walked over to the driveway and leaned against the passenger-side door of the Mustang.
“So. You want to play games, do you?”
At the sound of her voice, I turned around to see Toby’s psycho ex—Ariadne—walking out the door of the house. Toby’s house. What the hell? She was wearing a very skimpy navy-blue nightgown with ivory lace trim and lavender ribbon accents that I am sure would show her panties if even the slightest breeze kicked up. If she’s wearing any. Was this seriously what she slept in while visiting her ex-boyfriend—and his dad?
Slut.
I couldn’t help thinking it, but I didn’t allow myself to say it out loud. I do have some restraint.
Instead, I said, “I’m sorry, what?”
“You heard me. You saw us together last night, Ever. You know I’m with Tobias. So if a game is what you’re looking for, consider this your warning: I don’t play well with others.”
My initial reaction was one of hurt and doubt. Then it occurred to me where Toby had been all night.
“You don’t play well with others, huh? That’s a real shocker. Speaking of last night, Ariadne, where did Toby go after the party?”
Her mouth smacked shut and she glared at me, her silence being the only answer I needed. I’d struck a nerve.
That’s what I thought. I guess I don’t play well with others either. I smiled and looked down the street at the approaching figure walking our way.
He carried two huge Starbucks cups, and my heart skipped a beat at the sight of him. I wondered if I’d ever not get butterflies when I looked at him.
Ariadne turned her head in the direction I was looking and, following my gaze, noticed Toby coming down the street. He hadn’t noticed her yet, as she was hidden in the shadows of the porch covering.
Lowering her voice so he wouldn’t overhear her, she continued trying to intimidate me. “Look, little girl, you may be his plaything for now, but mark my words: he will leave you. And when he does, it will be my name on his lips.” She lowered her voice even more, “And by the way, game on.”
“Good morning, Tobias.” She spoke with almost a purr and turned her sexy, pouty smile to him. I swear I saw her inch her nightie up to expose more of her long legs.
“I was coming out to get the newspaper”—a quick glance revealed there wasn’t any newspaper in the driveway—”when I saw Ever here. We were just having a friendly chat. Right, hon?”
I rolled my eyes and shook my head, turning my attention to Toby.
“Yeah. I bet. Go inside, Ariadne. Pack your bags like I instructed you do last night and be gone by the time we get back.”
He handed me my cup of coffee. “Good morning, Beautiful.” With his free hand, he pulled my face to his and kissed me—a bit longer and more aggressively than I would have normally allowed with an audience nearby. But this wasn’t a normal audience, was it?
“And get some god damned clothes on before the whole neighborhood sees you.”
I knew I was blushing when I got in the car, but that kiss was amazing, and the sour look on Ariadne’s face was priceless. Toby had obviously gone the extra mile playing up the kiss for her benefit, but hey, I sure wasn’t suffering because of it.
“Well, that was quite the ‘good morning.’”
“I’m so sorry, Ever. I don’t know what that chick is thinking most of the time.”
“I wasn’t talking about Ariadne, Toby—though she’s definitely a piece of work—I was talking about that kiss.”
My cheeks blazed red again, even though I was the one who’d said the words.
“Oh, yeah? Well, there are plenty more where that came from.”
As we pulled out of the driveway, Toby’s dad walked outside and put his arm around Ariadne’s shoulders. As he glared at me with that dark, menacing stare I’d seen before, I noticed how protectively he held Ariadne. It was almost fatherly. Um, okay. If she’s that close with Toby’s dad, they must have been pretty serious. My petty green monster reared its ugly head.
A few minutes later, when Toby’s tension eased a little and we were stopped at a red light, he leaned over and kissed me again, just like he had before. This time the performance was all for me. The kiss helped me let go of some of those feelings of jealousy I’d been having toward Ariadne.
A honk from the annoyed driver behind us ruined the moment. The light had changed.
Blushing from the heat of his kiss, I ran my hand through my hair nervously.
“Ah, there it is. I’ve missed that.”
“What?” Confused, I looked out the window, trying to locate what he was talking about.
“That.” He grabbed my hand out of my hair and brought it to his lips. “I love the way you run your hand through your hair when you’re nervous.”
“Oh.” More heat rushed to my cheeks.
“That, too.” He pointed to my cheeks, making me blush even more. “God I’ve missed you.”
He set my hand down on his thigh so he could shift gears, and we rode the rest of the way in happy silence. He occasionally picked my hand up to kiss my palm before setting it back to its resting spot on his leg. I was happier than I had been since my dad’s death, the past month of being without Toby—and its cause—a distant memory.
We were driving down Ball Road, and I was about to ask him where we were headed, when he turned into the Disneyland parking structure. I was almost jumping up and down like a little kid by the time we parked and walked to the gate. I hadn’t been to Disneyland in years. A big part of my childhood, Disneyland reminded me of all that I’d lost recently. Memories of my dad flooded my mind, and I felt a strong sense of longing at the thought of him. Shaking my head, I tucked the memories and sadness away. Dad would want me to have fun.
Once inside the park, I threw my arms around Toby’s neck, kissing him and thanking him profusely. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
He laughed, kissed me back, then slowly removed my arms from their chokehold around his neck. He turned me around so my back pressed up against his chest, put his arms around my waist, and whispered in my ear.
“Happy Birthday, love.”
“What? How did you—?”
He placed one hand on my jaw and turned my face to the side, where I saw Jessie and Greg approaching.
“Oh my God!”
I tore away from Toby and ran to Jessie. She was wearing a brand new, bright pink Minnie Mouse t-shirt that was about three sizes too small—which was doing remarkable things for her figure. Only Jessie could pull off sexy while wearing a little kid’s shirt. She grinned from ear to ear. Greg had one of those strange, tense expressions again as he approached us. I looked at Toby and saw that his smile was a bit forced now that Greg was there. What is the deal with these two? I knew I had to get to the bottom of it, but now wasn’t the time. Later, I told myself. For now, I was just going to enjoy today. My birthday.
“Happy Birthday, Ever!” Jessie threw her arms around me, lifting me up in the air an inch or two off the ground. “Are you surprised?”
“Um, yeah, I think it’s pretty safe to say I’m surprised! When did you guys plan this?”
“Oh, you’ll never believe it! Toby here was at Greg’s door at seven this morning! He told us all about what a huge mistake this past month has been. I told you he’d regret that! Then he told us what a huge bitch that chick from last night is—the understatement of the year—and well, I might have let it slip that it was your birthday, and”—she waved her arms out to show our surroundings—”here we are!”
“This is perfect, you guys!”
“You’re not mad? I know you’d mentioned not wanting to celebrate this year … .”
“No, Jess, this is perfect. Honestly.” I squeezed her hand reassuringly.
Greg picked me up in a huge bear hug, a genuine smile on his face as he wished me Happy Birthday. He took Jessie’s hand and said, “Well, Ev, you’re the birthday girl; lead the way.”
The park was crowded, it being a Saturday in the middle of summer, but we grabbed Fast Passes as often as possible, which helped us bypass some of the worst of the lines, and somehow, we managed to get onto just about all of my favorite rides.
When we were somewhat alone in the Haunted Mansion, concealed by the walls of our buggy seat, Toby pulled me close to him and kissed me. I felt that same amazing buzzing feeling I always felt with him, and I once again thanked my lucky stars that he was back in my life and that he was mine. I couldn’t fight the grin slowly pulling at my lips.
“What are you smiling about?” He leaned back a few inches from my face, trying to see me in the darkness of the ride.
“I’m just glad you’re back.”
“I should have never left. I love you, Ever. I won’t leave you again.”
I kissed him again, unable to return his words. Something in me held back. I hoped he didn’t realize I hadn’t said it back to him. I just wasn’t ready yet.
And no one needed to know my heart was torn.
When we came to the last part of the ride, and a ghostly apparition was projected into our buggy, I couldn’t help but think of Frankie again. Well, truth be told, I had thought of him quite a few times during the ride—the irony of its theme not lost on me.
As right as I felt when I was with Toby, and as happy as I was that he was back, I wondered if the part of me that loved Frankie would ever be able to truly love Toby.
If not, would I ever be completely happy?
I didn’t have long to ponder that question before Toby grabbed my hand and pulled me onto the moving platform, Jessie and Greg following behind us. We exited the ride, quickly moving to the next, only stopping to listen to a jazz band in New Orleans Square.
As far as birthdays go, it turned out to be one of my better ones. I had a blast; though, spending the day at Disneyland had its bittersweet moments as well. At one point, I was stru
ck with emotion when I saw a little girl on her daddy’s shoulders. They were so happy, and I couldn’t help but think about my dad and all the times he’d taken me to Disneyland in my childhood.
But I knew life would always have those bittersweet moments now that my dad was gone, and I had to get through them without falling apart. With a reassuring squeeze of my hand, I was reminded now that I had Toby back, I’d be okay.
After a long and exhausting day at the park, followed by dinner at a bread company in Downtown Disney, we pulled into Toby’s driveway around eight. Jessie planned on spending the night at my house, so she and Greg followed behind us in Greg’s ridiculous yellow hummer, parking at the curb.
The windows revealed the inside of my house was dark, so I figured my mom was either feeling depressed again and hiding away from the world under the covers in her bedroom, or she was down the street at Sharon’s. I knew my mom’s decision to snap out of it would take time, and I could be patient with her for as long as she needed. I had only known Toby for a short time when we’d broken up, and I had been devastated without him—I couldn’t imagine what my mom must have felt after losing her soul mate.
Toby and Greg parked the cars and walked Jess and me to the door to say goodnight. I barely had the key in the lock when my mom threw open the door and yelled “Surprise!”
Oh no.
She hadn’t done anything like this since my tenth birthday, and that time I’d been just as thrilled.
Now, when I said ‘surprise party’ I mean some colorful balloons, a few streamers here and there, and my mom standing in the middle of the living room with her friends, Sharon and Bonnie. I was willing to bet I could blame one of them for this little idea.
Except that I already knew who to blame.
“Jessie.”
“Don’t be mad, Ever. It wasn’t me, I swear.”
With Toby’s hand in mine, I walked into my house, bracing myself for whatever was in store. If I was lucky, it would all be over shortly so I could get to bed. If they were lucky, I’d somehow manage to stay awake for the whole thing.