by Jessa Russo
“You can’t.”
When the door slammed shut, I heard Toby cuss under his breath, his frustration evident. I knew he was alone, and I could reveal myself to him, but I couldn’t find the courage. I actually had learned something by eavesdropping.
Toby loved me. He truly did.
A part of me loved him too.
But I also knew I loved Frankie—and that Toby was a soul collector.
I had to end things with Toby.
Regardless of my feelings for him or his feelings for me, he caused all of this pain in my life. He’d brought these people—could I even call them that?—into my life, and chaos ensued. Ariadne connived and cheated, and Frankie was now human again, his soul belonging to her—whatever that meant. Greg used Jessie as a way to get to me, and now my best friend nursed not only her confusion but a broken heart as well. My mom—well, my mom was a mess. There was no pleasant way to put it. My mom had completely checked out of reality, and frankly, I had no idea what to do or how to help her.
To make matters worse, my soul was possibly in jeopardy … or whatever crazy thing Ariadne hinted at when she’d said ‘an eye for an eye’.
And it was all because of Toby.
So it was clear. I had to end things with him before anything worse happened. The choice was out of my hands.
I took a deep breath. I can do this. The tears started to fall, silently weaving a trail down my cheeks, proof that my decision was breaking the part of me that loved Toby. Pooling all of my strength, reaching down as deeply as I could to find it, I prepared to confront him.
He jumped out of the window and landed just a few feet in front of me. I shrieked, quickly pressing my hand to my mouth to muffle the sound.
He whipped around to see the source of the sound.
“Ever? What are you doing here?”
After the initial scare wore off, it was replaced with pain—heartache to be precise. Looking at him standing there, his messy hair, his gorgeous face … it was hard to believe what I was about to do. But I didn’t have a choice. This wasn’t just about me anymore. This was about everyone I cared for.
“Why are you crying, babe?”
He quickly closed the space between us and wrapped his arms around me, spreading light kisses on my neck and up to my earlobe. My heartbeat picked up pace, and my eyes overflowed with more tears. He felt my stiffness and realized after a few seconds that I wasn’t returning his embrace. He leaned back to look at me.
I found I couldn’t bring myself to look up at him.
He lightly traced the tears on my cheeks with his fingertips. “Ever? Look at me.”
No. I can’t.
“Babe?”
I swallowed, my mouth suddenly pasty and dry. I forced myself to meet his gaze. His eyes—god I love those eyes—were dark and pained, and I knew he knew what I was about to say before I even composed myself enough to speak the words.
“Don’t, Ever. Please don’t.”
More tears fell as Toby’s half of my heart shattered a little more.
“I know you’re upset, and I’m so sorry. I’m trying to find a way to fix it, I promise … but please, Ever. Please, don’t do this.”
I have to, I reminded myself. This isn’t about me. And it isn’t about Toby. It’s about my Mom. And Frankie. And Jessie.
He pulled me back to him, crushing me in a fierce embrace. His lips closed over mine, hungrily kissing me, claiming me, urging me to change my mind with the passion of his kiss.
Without words, he almost convinced me. I almost gave in. I wanted to. I loved him.
But I loved my mom. And Jessie. And Frankie.
I loved Frankie. How could I love them both so much? So differently and yet … so equally? So intensely? A muffled sob escaped me, and he pulled back.
“I’m so sorry,” I sobbed.
I pushed out of his arms and, unable to find any more words, I ran back into my house, barely seeing anything through my tears. Right into Frankie.
“Oh!”
“Hey, Doll, I’m sorry, I just—” One look at me and he stopped talking, closing his arms around me tightly.
“What has he done?” he practically growled.
“Nothing, Frankie. He’s done nothing. I … I just broke up with him.” I slowly collected myself, realizing I didn’t want to cry to Frankie about the end of my relationship with Toby.
“Oh, Doll, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I had to do it. It was over between us. I can’t … what he’s done … and you … .”
I looked up at him, and the part of my heart that had always belonged to Frankie swelled with warmth. As I looked at him, I knew that with time, and with Frankie, the parts of me hurting right then would heal. I knew I’d made the right choice.
“Do you want me to leave you alone?”
No. I didn’t want to be alone at all, but could I really ask Frankie to comfort me while I cried over another guy? What kind of girl would I be if I did that?
He reworded his question, speaking softly. “Do you want me to go?”
I couldn’t find the words to tell him to leave me alone. More tears made their way silently down my cheeks.
He sat on the couch, pulling me down next to him. “Are you sure, Doll?”
He knew me too well.
I shook my head.
He pulled me into his arms. “I’m here for you, Doll. I’m always here for you. I did this for you.”
Another sob escaped me. What? I looked up at him, confusion and a small dose of fear fighting for center stage in my mind. “What did you say?”
“I did this for you, Doll. I love you.” He said it so matter-of-factly, like it was normal, obvious even. “It’s always been you.”
It’s always been me.
I cried more, letting it all out, unhindered by anything. I just needed to cry. I was confused, scared, happy.
Frankie was holding me, comforting me. I loved him, and he loved me.
And nothing else mattered now.
I had never wanted anything so badly in my life. Just Frankie.
Finally Frankie.
A few hours later, after a very long shower, I was finally ready to go. I met Frankie in the living room just as Jess came inside. Frankie looked practically edible in his new jeans and Chucks. My heart skipped a few beats at the sight of him.
“Hey, Doll.”
“Hey, Frankie. You look … .”
I trailed off then, searching for the right word. I couldn’t possibly say edible out loud.
“Yes, yes, we all look fantastic. Unfortunately, if we stand here too long, no one else will get to appreciate us. And, Ev, your cheeks match your shirt, B.T.W.” She giggled as I flushed more. “Oh, geez, come on, lovebirds.”
“Jessie.”
“Oh, Ever. Like he’s not looking at you the same hungry way you’re looking at him. Seriously, this is like the worst third wheel status ever.”
“Jess, you are not the third wheel. We are three friends going out to a party, nothing more.”
Although, while saying that last part, I had to look down at the ground. It was a total lie. It felt even more like a lie when Frankie reached for my hand and I dodged it by pretending I’d forgotten something and running back to my room. What was I doing? I’d just broken up with Toby, and now I was already starting something with Frankie? Was this even right?
There’s a name for girls like me.
“Relax,” I said to the reflection in my bathroom mirror. “Relax. Enjoy your night.”
As I stood in the bathroom, trying to collect myself, I reminded myself that I should be getting answers. I should be confronting Toby, not just breaking up with him and calling it a day. I should be questioning Ariadne. Possibly even finishing up where Jessie left off. Anything but going out and acting like everything was normal. There was nothing normal about my life, and going out to some pointless party seemed like the exact opposite of what we should be doing.
“Ever? You coming?” Jessie was in my doorway.
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I quickly looked past her.
“He’s in the car, Ev. What’s up?”
“What are we doing? What am I doing?”
“We’re going to a party, Ev. No big deal. And look, you’ve been in love with Frankie for how long now? A really long time. You’ve only known Toby for what—a few months? And honestly, he’s caused all of this mess. So, I don’t fault you for wanting to gobble up Frankie now that he’s in human form again. I mean, look at the guy. He’s practically begging for it!”
I laughed at that and wondered briefly if Jessie could read my mind. After all, the first word that had popped into my mind had been ‘edible.’ I took a deep breath.
“Seriously. Forget about Toby for one night. I’m not saying you need to go rip off Frankie’s clothes, but just … let’s just try to enjoy ourselves. This mess will be here for us in the morning, unfortunately. Toby will still be next door. Ariadne will still be a total bitchface. Your mom will hopefully be better, but if not, we can deal with that, too.” She paused to take a breath. “I, for one, am totally over this whole thing, and I’m going out. Screw Greg and Toby and their soul collector nonsense!” She grabbed my hand and pulled me back down the hall.
I felt better.
Sort of.
Jessie was right. A night out would probably do us all some good. And it was nagging at the back of my mind that Frankie needed a night out more than any of us. Who was I to deny him something he’d missed out on for so long?
Yeah, this is for Frankie, I told myself. Like a favor for Frankie. That’s all.
And then it hit me. Frankie couldn’t possibly go to a party! What was wrong with us? Someone could recognize him! Oh my god. We’d almost just made the biggest mistake in the history of the world.
“What is it, Ever? You look like you’ve just seen a gho—” Jessie giggled.
“Jess, we can’t take Frankie out … to a party. What if someone sees—?”
“Oh! Oh my god! You’re right!” She gasped. “What were we thinking?”
I shook my head and sat on the bed. She sat next to me. When Frankie finally showed up in my doorway a few minutes later, I’m sure we both looked like we’d been shocked—eyes wide, and confusion on our faces. We’d narrowly missed a catastrophe.
“Girls? What’s going on?”
“Frankie, we can’t take you out to a party tonight. What if … ?”
“Oh.”
Clearly, he hadn’t thought of it either.
“Well, that sucks.”
“Well, maybe not, I mean, you guys didn’t even go to my school. And the party’s all the way out in Costa Mesa. So … .”
“Jessie, you can’t be serious. Think about it!”
“Wait a minute. She’s right, Doll. No one will recognize me. It’s been over two years, and we probably won’t know anyone anyway. And even if someone does recognize me, they aren’t really going to believe what they’re seeing. Right?”
I thought about it. He kind of had a point. Plus, most of his friends were probably in college by now, so not likely hanging around at high school parties. I hoped. Frankie’s eyes pleaded with me, and my defenses fell. Apparently so did my better judgment, because before long, we were in the car, driving to the party. I couldn’t seem to deny him.
Luckily, I didn’t have to sit by him, which would have made it incredibly difficult not to stare at him for the entire ride. I was still not fully used to his solid form, and he was pretty damn good looking in the flesh. I’d have been helpless sitting next to him. Not to mention the incessant need to touch him. By the time we arrived at the house where the party was, I felt ten times better.
Of course, getting out of the car meant I had to actually look at Frankie again, and walking up to the party meant I had to actually be near him. Unless I wanted to act like a total weirdo and walk a few yards away from them. When he grabbed my hand, I felt nervous and childish, my cheeks heating up and giving me away. But I didn’t yank it away this time.
The three of us walked inside, and I felt like we stuck out like sore thumbs. Though I know we didn’t, the feeling that the whole world was looking at us didn’t go away. There was no way anyone could know that Frankie had been a ghost for the past two years, unless they knew him while he was alive. No one could know that my feelings for two guys had me feeling like the worst person to ever walk the earth. No one could know that Jessie and I had both recently been dating soul collectors. And no one could possibly know that just the feel of Frankie’s hand in mine had me feeling warmth in ways I shouldn’t have been.
Still. I felt like flashing lights and screeching alarms were going off around us nonetheless.
We made our way through the house, Jessie stopping to say hi to friends and introducing Frankie and me to various people along the way. I knew a few of them already, from various parties and such, so seeing familiar faces eased my tension a little bit. But I still felt like I was on display. In the backyard, we came across a cooler of miscellaneous beer brands, and Frankie’s eyes lit up at the prospect of a cold beer. He found himself an ice-cold original Coors, and you’d think he’d just found bars of solid gold the way he looked at it. I didn’t get the excitement, but I guess for someone who enjoys drinking, having a cold beer after two years of having nothing to drink at all might be pretty nice.
He almost drank the whole thing in one sip. He noticed Jessie and me staring at him with our eyebrows raised, then donned a slightly embarrassed smile and shrugged.
“Sorry. It’s just been so long.”
We giggled at him and headed out in search of our own beverages. There had to be soda somewhere at this party, right? Once inside, we were standing in front of an open fridge door, feeling only slightly guilty to be looking at someone else’s fridge contents—but hey, not everyone drinks beer—when a voice stopped me mid-search.
“Ever? Jessie?”
“Shit,” I whispered to Jessie as we turned around to the source of the voice.
Scott.
Honestly, I’d forgotten all about him. It had only been a couple days since I’d kissed him at that party at his house, but so much had happened since then. Scott was at the very back of my mind. When I saw the look on his face, I could tell the opposite was true for him. I was still very fresh in his mind. When he reached for me, I froze. Frankie was standing just a few feet away with an odd expression on his face. I didn’t know what to do. I probably had only seconds before Scott pulled me into a hug, and I couldn’t possibly risk the chance that he might kiss me.
“Hey, Scottie! It’s good to see you!” Jessie reached forward, lightly pushing me aside and squeezing Scott into a massive bear hug, intercepting the embrace that had been intended for me.
Phew. The confused look on his face was priceless, but I didn’t have long to look at it. Frankie pulled me outside, and Jessie pulled Scott toward the living room.
“What was that all about?” Frankie laughed, obviously aware that the moment had been a bit awkward for me. Could I tell him I’d kissed Scott only days before? ‘Hey Frankie, by the way, you’re the third guy I’ve kissed in as many days. Cool, huh?’
No. Not a chance. I had to lie. Again. Who was this girl I’d become?
“Oh, that’s just some guy from Jessie’s school who has a little thing for me.” Not a total lie. Right? Just not the total truth either. Damn.
A few minutes later, Jessie came outside to find us, and commotion erupted all around.
“Cops!”
The partygoers were yelling the warning almost in unison. A few guys hefted the cooler of beer inside, while other frantic people trashed their drinks and scattered.
“I guess that’s our cue!” Jessie said, as she quickly headed for the side gate of the yard.
Frankie looked at me and smiled, the light in his eyes giving away the fact that he was clearly excited by the prospect of having to run from the cops. I guess when you haven’t had any excitement for as long as he hadn’t, possible minor-in-possession charges were
exciting. I shook my head and followed Jessie to the car.
After the party, we ended up at Starbucks. Not nearly as exciting for Frankie as cold beer and possible arrests, but who could resist a good latte? Not me, that’s for sure.
Jessie dropped us off around ten or so, stating she wanted to sleep at her house. I figured she was worried about Susan again, and quickly wished that Jessie didn’t find her with another asshole like that last one.
I checked on my mom, who was in her bed reading a book about gardening, Gollum curled up at her feet.
“Oh! Hi, kids! You’re home early! Frankie, honey, I made up the guest bedroom for you, and there’s a fresh pitcher of water next to the bed, along with some magazines and a CD player.”
Just the typical houseguest procedure. No big deal. I sighed, and Frankie reached out to squeeze my hand. Once outside her room, he whispered, “It will be okay, Doll. You’ll see. She’ll come around.”
“I hope so. This is just too weird for me.”
He reached out and gently ran his fingers across my chin, his thumb grazing my lip. He was only inches away from me, and in the darkness of the hallway, with my mom’s door closed blocking her from sight, it was easy to imagine we were the only two people in the world.
I wanted to imagine that. If only for just a second.
He licked his lips and looked into my eyes. My cheeks heated up. I ran a hand through my hair, trying to figure out what to do next. God I wanted to erase everything else. Everyone else. I wanted to be alone with Frankie. Just him and me. No Mom. No Toby.
I turned away from Frankie, but he followed me to my bedroom door. The tension and heat from being so close to each other all night was near the bursting point. Well, at least for me it was. I either had to get as far away from him as possible—immediately—or turn and throw myself at him. There was no gray area tonight. It was either Frankie’s kiss … or spontaneous combustion.
I stopped at my door, took a deep breath, and turned to face him.
Oh! He was closer than I realized.
I was going to tell him we needed to move slowly. That was the responsible thing to do. Move slowly. But with his lips pressed to mine and his arms crushing me to him, it was growing increasingly hard to think. Even harder to speak.