by A. M. Kusi
“Fears?” he asked.
“That’s what your father is worried about. We watched our neighbors be beaten for even looking at a white woman the wrong way. I went to school when they desegregated, and was abused and harassed by the kids, parents, and even the teachers. They made me feel stupid and worthless. My parents insisted I stay there, no matter how much I cried about it. It was a good school, and they knew it would give me a better start in life. Being black in America, you needed that chance just to hope to be on an even playing field.”
“I never realized that.”
“We never talk about it. It was such a dark time. Why bother bringing it up? I tell you now just so you can understand where our fears for you come from. My mother worked for a woman who saw a black man in secret. She got pregnant and social services took her baby because it was illegal for a white woman to have a black man’s child in those days. The baby was later adopted by another family and she never saw her child again.”
Red hot fury blistered across his skin. “That’s horrible.”
Olive continued, “I could go on with examples. All you have to do is look up our history. Your father doesn’t show it, but he is worried for you. He’s seen how his ancestors have been treated by this country, and how easy it is for judges to lock black boys in jail for the most minor offenses and then throw away the key. How easy it is for many in uniform to take the life of a black child they swore to protect and claim self-defense because they feared for their life. People in this country have been afraid for all the wrong reasons for too long.”
Jax nodded in silence, moved by his mother’s words of wisdom.
Olive turned to him and said, “You have a lot against you when you are in an interracial relationship. When you’re in love, it’s never easy. You can’t expect her to know what it is like to be black. You have to understand that your experiences won’t be the same, and she will have the inability to relate to you in some ways.”
“What if Pop is disappointed in me? Maybe he will think I’m with her to get ahead?”
“Your dad knows you better than that. He wants you to be happy and to have everything he was never able to have or give you. We want you to use the progress our ancestors and allies have sacrificed their lives to bring you.”
“He doesn’t seem to be happy with me.” Jax spoke the words out loud that he had held in his heart for so long. The truth of which he’d based his life choices on. The reason he didn’t do relationships was because he needed to prove himself—to show his father and the world how much he was worth by what he could achieve. Relationships only got in the way of that. At least, that was what he’d used to think. “I never saw him that way. I always saw him as this big tough man who feared nothing. A man I would never be able to make proud. Nothing I ever do is good enough.”
“He’s had to be a tough man to survive. He has more battle scars than you realize. Clive just needs time.”
“You really think he would be okay if I married a white woman?”
Olive covered her mouth with her hand in surprise. “Married?”
Jax faltered. Did he want to marry Harper? Yes, someday. They had a lot of stuff to work through first. “Maybe, someday. Not anytime soon. I kind of ruined things between us.”
“What did you do?” Olive asked, frowning and giving him the same look he’d got whenever he was in trouble as a boy.
He summarized all the ways he’d messed up, and felt the swipe of his mother’s hand slap the back of his head. “I taught you better than that.”
“I know. I really am ashamed of myself.”
“My son isn’t a quitter. Ever since you were a little boy, you found a way to fix your own mistakes. That sweet little boy is still inside you. So bring him out and ask his advice. If she really loves you, everything will work out.”
“Thanks, Mom. I don’t know what I would do without you. I love you,” he said, putting his arm around her and pulling her in for a hug.
“I love you too. Now get in a shower, go to the barber, and then clean up this apartment,” she said, standing.
Jax laughed. “Yes, ma’am.”
Chapter 28
Harper had gone on a business trip the first week in October. David had given her a solo account. Jax wished he could have been there to celebrate with her.
He wanted to give her some time and simply apologizing wouldn’t be enough. He was on the lookout for any opportunity to prove to her that he loved her and he could choose her.
Within the next few weeks, he had several trips to Nevada. When he returned, Harper was either out sick, or busy in her office. One time he went in to talk to her about his account, planning to use it as an excuse to see her and get a feel for whether or not she was ready to hear what he had to say. She was asleep at her desk. It was odd. He took it as a sign that she needed more time.
A few other instances, he attempted a conversation but she said she was too busy. She was avoiding him.
October passed slowly. He piled on the work, keeping himself occupied while he waited for the right moment that never seemed to come. There was plenty of projects with River gone. His friend had invited him to Vermont, but Jax said he was too busy, which was true. Since River had left, there was enough work to have him bringing it home on the weekend, which made his time apart from Harper bearable. But it didn’t fulfill him in the way it used to do. Everything in life seemed more bland and dull without her in it.
Jax cut back on the whiskey. He needed to face the fallout from his decisions with a clear mind. Not to punish himself, but so that he could remember just how empty life was without Harper in it. Food had lost its taste—he compared everything to her homemade meals. He missed her ravioli. He missed her perfume. He missed waking up to her warm body. He missed laughing with her. He even missed her fungi coffees. He just missed her.
He finished the book he was reading, The Big Leap, and felt he’d learned a lot about self-limiting beliefs. He had been uncomfortable with the amount of excitement in areas of his life when it came to Harper. She made him feel things he was not used to, and he had unconsciously found a way to sabotage it all to bring himself back down to a level that was comfortable and familiar to him. He had pushed her away.
Harper was scheduled for business trips the last week of October and the beginning of November. She had been asking for all the accounts that required travel. She was good at this avoiding thing. Jax followed her calendar like a stalker, looking for any opportunity to run into her. He figured he would give her space, but still remind her that he was alive.
He saw she had a doctor’s appointment booked in November and wondered why she would have another so soon. The image of her sleeping at her desk sent off alarm bells in his head. Surely if something was wrong with her, he would have found out through River.
Monday morning he stopped in at a health food store, asking the girl at the counter for a mushroom coffee. He was surprised she acted like fungus coffee was the most natural request the world. He ordered an extra cake pop and left it on Harper’s desk. He would often do that.
By Saturday, he was nearly crawling out of his skin. The distance was killing him. He sent Harper a text message.
Jax: Can we talk?
But she responded:
Harper: Not yet.
Surely two months was more than enough time. He was going to go insane if he didn’t get the chance to talk to her soon.
Apparently, she had a trip planned with her friend Isa for that second week in November.
River had invited Jax to his parents’ house for Thanksgiving. He hadn’t seen or spoken much to his friend since he’d moved to Vermont to be with Ella, so he jumped at the chance. The fact that he would get to see Harper for more than a fleeting moment was reason enough.
Jax showed up, sweet potato pie in hand, thanks to his mother. Harper had said she loved his mama’s pie. If
the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach, he could only hope it was the same for a woman.
He knocked on the brownstone door.
River opened it a few seconds later. “Jax!” He pulled him into a tight, manly hug and patted his back.
“It’s been too long, bro,” Jax said, following River into the house and searching for any sign of Harper.
Sandra greeted him next. “Jaxton, I am so glad you could join us.”
“Me too. Thanks for the invite. I brought pie.”
Sandra took the dish from him. “Oh, perfect. I’ll put it on the dessert table.”
“Want a drink, man?” River asked.
“Sure.”
River walked over to the cupboard and pulled out a tumbler, filling it with two fingers of whiskey. His best friend knew him well.
Jax took the glass. “Thanks.”
“Come on. The party is in here.” River led him into the living room.
“You know Ella.” River grabbed the beautiful brunette’s hand and smiled. A pang of jealousy reverberating through his chest.
“Hi again, Jax.” She waved as River kissed her cheek.
“Hey, how’s the inn?” Jax asked.
“Great. You should come stay sometime,” Ella invited.
“I will.”
River nodded towards the large overstuffed chair in the corner where Isa and Harper were snuggled together. “Have you ever met my sister’s friend Isa?”
“No.” Jax nodded to Isa.
Isa smiled politely, but her eyes shot daggers in his direction. He couldn’t blame her. She was the only person in the room who knew about him and Harper.
He looked over to Harper who was too busy on her phone to glance up and greet him. She was as beautiful as ever, but she looked tired, and her normally full face seemed thinner.
“Simon will be coming sometime soon too, so we won’t be outnumbered completely,” River joked.
“Why is Simon coming?” he asked, knowing he wasn’t going to like the answer.
River pulled him aside and spoke quietly. “Dad is trying to set Harper up with him.”
“What?” Jax snapped.
“He’s not a bad guy. They have been out before. She’s been working a lot and when she’s home, she just sleeps. I think she needs to be more social. He’s also her age.”
Jax ground his teeth until the pain was too much. He needed to talk to Harper alone and fast.
Harper took a sip of wine from a stemless glass, he wished he could replace the object with his own mouth.
“Dinner’s ready,” Sandra called from the kitchen.
Everyone made their way to the dining room, but Jax lingered and grabbed Isa’s hand.
Isa looked surprised and pulled her hand away from him like he’d been a snake that bit her. “What the hell do you want?”
“I need to talk to Harper alone, and you’re going to help.”
“Why would I help you?” she asked, looking disgusted.
“I love her and I screwed everything up.”
“You treated her horribly.”
“I know. I want to fix my mistakes. I just want to tell her that.”
Isa looked at him, thinking for several moments. “Harper is going through a lot right now. The last thing she needs is to deal with the man who broke her heart. I swear if you hurt her again, I will cut your balls off.”
She painted a colorful image, but the glint in her eye made him believe it. “I don’t doubt you. What do you mean she’s going through a lot?” he asked, feeling a pit of unease grow in his stomach.
“That’s for her to say.”
“Well, I can’t let her tell me if I can’t talk to her,” he pleaded.
“Have you been with anyone else since Harper?” she asked, crossing her arms.
“No.”
Isa studied him for a few moments before agreeing. “Okay, I’ll help you talk to her. But only if you promise not to hurt her anymore.”
“I promise to do my best.”
She smiled. “That was a trick question, and you passed.”
“What?”
“No one is perfect. Promising to do your best is all we can ever do. You were honest, so I’ll help.” She walked to the dining room and he followed.
Everyone started eating, while Harper pushed around most of the food on her plate. Jax looked at Isa and she winked.
“Harper told me about this really good wine you guys had from your trip to Tuscany,” Isa said turning to Harper’s parents.
Sandra looked up and tapped her finger to her mouth, thinking. “I believe it was a dessert wine. It was Harper’s favorite. I think we still have a few bottles in the cellar.”
“Oh, Harper, can you go get us one? If you don’t mind, Mrs. Parker?” Isa asked, loud enough for everyone at the table to hear.
“Not at all. Harper, can you grab another bottle of red while you’re down there?” Sandra asked.
Harper nodded and left the table for the cellar. Isa looked at Jax and he took his cue.
“Excuse me.” Jax got up and quietly followed Harper down the cellar stairs.
***
Harper was glad for the reprieve. Sitting around a table, seeing the man who destroyed her—the one she loved—and having to act like everything was normal was tearing her up inside. Two months and the pain of seeing him never got easier. Losing him was the second hardest thing she had ever had to deal with. Though, she never really had him to begin with. What made everything worse was the news the doctor delivered that knocked her world off its axis. He wasn’t there for her when she needed him most.
She dusted off a bottle to read the label.
“Harper.”
She jumped and placed a hand to her racing heart. “You scared the crap out of me, Jaxton!” she whispered harshly.
“Sorry.” He smiled sheepishly. “I want to talk to you. I have been trying for months. I knew you needed space and time, and I tried to give it to you. I miss you.”
“It’s true what they say, I guess: you never really know what you want until it’s gone,” she replied bitterly.
Jax winced. “I wanted you from the very beginning.”
“You sure didn’t show it,” she said, crossing her arms. It was physically painful for her to be in front of him, looking into his big, brown, sad eyes. He wanted another chance. She wanted to give it to him, but after he found out…
No, she wouldn’t tell him. He wasn’t strong enough for that news yet. She would tell him soon. It was only a matter of time before everyone found out. It was too late for what she wanted. There was no sense in getting more attached to him when it would all come to an end in a few short months anyway. Time was not on their side.
This was her path to walk alone. If he had truly cared enough, he would have gone with her to that appointment like he’d said he would. Then he would know. If it was the last thing she did, she would make him understand that she didn’t need him.
“I know. Harper, I’m ready to go upstairs right now and tell them. I miss you. I—I love you.” His phone rang and he got it out of his pocket to silence it quickly before putting it away.
His words struck Harper to her core. Jax loved her. The phrase she would have given anything to hear him say, poured from his lips like a cleansing rain, washing over her. The wall she had begun to build around her heart began to shake, unsteadily. His bittersweet confession cracking the trembling foundation. But was it enough? Was he truly able to love her the way she needed? Glimmers of hope bubbled inside her, and she hated that believing in him came so easy to her after all he had put her through.
“Goddess,” he said, stepping closer and taking her face in his hands.
His touch blistered her skin—a burn that she missed. She wanted to give into him so badly. But she couldn’t risk it
. It was better for both of them if she just let him go.
Jax leaned down closer to her face and spoke the words across her lips. “Goddess, I love you.”
She craved his kiss more than her next breath. Her mind screamed at her not to, but her body refused to listen. She moved her face the last inch and their mouths met and moved hungrily against each other.
Their kiss was fire and gunpowder. Their kiss was ‘I’m sorry.’ Their kiss was ‘I love you’ mixed with all the passionate memories their physical connection brought back. Harper moaned into his mouth, and he pulled her tighter against his chest. His lips continued their violent assault, twisting and spinning her into a vortex of pain and pleasure. Love and heartbreak. Hope and fear.
She pushed him away. “Stop,” she said, tears falling down her face.
“Why?” he asked, as his phone began vibrating from his pocket.
“Because everything is even more complicated now. I don’t want to start and go up and down on this roller-coaster with you anymore. I can’t afford to.” She looked up into his eyes, searching for the words to tell him why life as she knew it was ending. Why she didn’t have time to risk hopping onto the messy ride that had been their relationship.
“What do you mean?” he asked worriedly.
“You always have the right words, but I need you to prove to me that you mean it.”
“It won’t be like that anymore. I promise we will do it right this time.”
“You will tell them? You will risk your job, my brother’s friendship? All for me?” she asked, damning the flutter of hope that swirled in her belly.
“Yes.” He took her face in his hands again.
***
Suddenly the door to the cellar flew open and Jax dropped his arms instinctively before stepping away from her. He saw the light in Harper’s eyes dim. What had he done? He’d fucked up already.