by Alice Kirks
“Yes,” Alexandra agreed. “I suppose it is. Nice. And scary.”
They both chuckled. Arabella dabbed at her eyes with a handkerchief. They sat quietly for a while. Alexandra considered how to apologize.
“I should have been there, at your ball,” she said gently. “I am sorry I could not be.”
“Oh, Alexandra! You didn’t ask for the food to sicken you.”
Alexandra laughed. “No, I didn’t. I am sorry I wasn’t there, though. You needed me. I will try my best to always be there, at balls especially.”
“Oh, Alexandra!” Arabella chuckled. “I am glad! I wish you could attend with me! It would be so much fun! I know I have friends, but none of them are like you. I tell you everything, like I can’t with anyone else.”
Alexandra smiled. “I know, and I hope I will always be worthy of your trust – it means so much to me.”
Arabella stared, eyes round. “Of course! You’ll always be my friend, Alexandra. Why would you say such a thing?”
Alexandra sniffed, feeling tears in her own eyes. “I don’t know. I suppose I felt as if I had betrayed that trust…I wasn’t there when you wanted me there.”
“Oh, Alexandra,” Arabella poked her playfully in the arm. “You were sick. It wasn’t your fault!”
Alexandra nodded. “I know.” She hated the deception and she wished she could tell her young charge the truth. But what could she say? She couldn’t very well confide in her!
They sat quietly for a moment, the warm sunshine flowing in through the windows and soothing her nerves. After a moment, Arabella cleared her throat.
“Alexandra…what was it like? I mean, when you had a debut?” she frowned. “I don’t know if, well….” She looked around shyly.
“I did have a debut,” Alexandra said, knowing that Arabella felt awkward because of their difference in status. She wished she could tell her the truth! How much more reassuring could she be, if she could explain to her that their situation was similar? Though, she admitted, her introduction had been nothing like Arabella’s. “I had a first ball, too. It wasn’t particularly big or grand.”
It had been at the home of a relative – her father’s cousin, who knew the family distantly and who had insisted that Alexandra had a proper debut in society. He had paid for it – her own father had complained about the expense. She had managed to persuade him to spend money on a decent gown, backed up by the cousin, who’d ensured that her father did as she had asked.
“And, what happened there?” Arabella asked, looking expectant. “Was it scary too?”
“Very,” Alexandra chuckled. She felt lighter, sharing the confidence with the younger woman. “I knew nobody, I felt awkward and I had no idea what to say if someone asked me for a dance.” She grinned at the memory.
“Really?” Arabella laughed. “I would never have expected it!”
“I was young, then,” Alexandra said, her mind still in the past. “And I hadn’t learned much about people. Hadn’t had to.”
“How old were you?” Arabella prompted.
“Eighteen,” Alexandra said, recalling. She had been older than most girls at their debut, and that in itself had made her feel awkward, though nobody looking at her would have guessed her age – she was shy and withdrawn and she’d seemed younger that way.
“How was it?” Arabella asked. “What dress did you wear?”
Alexandra made a face. “A white one. Quite plain. It was low-cut, though, and I suppose it was fashionable. It was the most fashionable dress I owned. I didn’t like it.”
Arabella giggled.
“I hope you liked something about it, though?” she asked, a small frown creasing her brow. “It would be very horrid to have a first ball with nothing you did like!”
“I suppose I liked the fabric,” Alexandra said. It had been white silk, she recalled, the fabric falling from a flattering neckline down to her ankles. She remembered feeling shy and noticing young men looking at her. She had seen a few that she liked, but she hadn’t had much chance to speak with them.
“And…” Arabella put her head on one side, clearly wanting to listen. “You must have danced a lot. You’re so lovely.”
Alexandra smiled. “Thank you, Arabella. But, as it happens, I don’t think it’s just a matter of how you look. I only danced two dances. I was too shy.”
Shy, and frightened. She had been ready to believe ill of everyone. Her father had told her nobody would notice her, and she’d believed him to the extent that, no matter what, she wouldn’t have noticed.
“Oh, Alexandra!” Arabella said. “I find that so hard to understand. You’re so confident! You even face my brother on matters of politics! There are many who wouldn’t do that.”
Alexandra nodded. “I imagine.” She felt a little sad. She and Matthew – she really must think of him as Lord Blakeley – had such an easy way of speaking with each other. She had no idea what had happened to change that – and yet she did know. He had finally decided she went too far.
“Alexandra, I hope you’re still not feeling poorly,” Arabella said firmly. “You need to go and rest.”
“I don’t,” Alexandra protested, shaking her head. But Arabella gave her a gentle shove and sent her on her way.
“Off you go! And I hope you will dine with us this evening.”
“Um…I will try to,” Alexandra said, wishing she could think of an excuse. She didn’t want to face the Duke again. She felt as if he would not want to see her at dinner.
“Please, try?” Arabella asked.
Alexandra let out a sigh and nodded. Yes, she would go. She might hate it, but she would be there. She couldn’t let Arabella down again.
She went upstairs to her bedroom, mind teeming with thoughts. Memories of her own first ball, combined with thoughts of Lord Nailsworth and her present situation, all mixing together.
What was done to me was unreasonable.
She blinked, surprised by that thought. She had never actually acknowledged the way her father had treated her as wrong. Yes, on some level she had always known that, but this was the first time she’d let herself acknowledge it with no hint of self-blame. She had done nothing to deserve how he treated her. It had been his nature – cold and remote – to behave as he did.
And she had done nothing to make him treat her that way.
She sniffed. Arabella had been horrified that she’d not had a proper debut, and that horror made her realize that she had not been treated well. She could finally set aside her guilt and allow herself to heal from those years of cruelty and neglect.
“One thing is for certain, and that is that I’m not going back to his household.”
She felt her back stiffen. She was not going to go back there voluntarily, that much was certain. If nobody spotted her, and if word didn’t get out from Nailsworth that she had been attending at the ball, she was not going home.
Chapter 32
It was morning, but Matthew was not feeling particularly jolly.
“Mr. Leighford, you must know something,” Matthew said crossly.
“Your Grace, I have done as you required. I have been unable to locate the school where Mr. Illfield is master.”
“I see,” Matthew nodded. He shut his eyes wearily. He had lain awake, worrying about the problems of Alexandra and the safety of his sister. He had, of course, also given substantial thought to his own longings. They had occupied a lot of his mind of late, and a certain person chief among them.
And if I had not focused solely on that, I would have been finding things out much sooner.
He shut his eyes. He should go away for a while. That would be best. It was his fault all this had happened, and he needed to clear his head. But he could not leave until they were safely back in the countryside. Arabella was enjoying the season, and he was not about to cut it short. She had wanted to go to the park today, he remembered.
And perhaps I will have a chance to speak to Alexandra.
She had been distant just latel
y, he thought. He had tried to speak to her at dinner and he’d hardly succeeded in getting her to speak. She had been quiet and withdrawn and he was even more concerned now than he had been before.
He looked up at the butler. “Very good, Mr. Leighford. Now, if you could fetch me the calling-cards that were left this morning?”
“Yes, your Grace,” Leighton nodded.
Matthew raised a brow. While Blakeley house was no stranger to Londoners, the sheer number of cards the butler collected seemed unusual.
“Arabella must have made quite a debut in society.”
He grinned to himself. He took no credit for that – Arabella was a delight, and any additional polish had come solely from Alexandra.
At the thought of her, he frowned. She really was proving to be a mystery. And a mystery without a father. Unless Mr. Illfield did not run a school near London.
“I can ask her.”
That would be best – not to assume anything, but to check with her first. There was sure to be a logical reason. He stood and stretched, setting aside the letter he’d been writing. He could wait for later. He needed to find Arabella and go to the park. It was half past nine, he noticed, consulting the clock on the shelf opposite, and if they wanted a good walk, they should go now or risk being late for luncheon.
“Brother?” Arabella called as he walked down the hallway towards his bedroom. “Are we going to the park now?” She was in her room, he thought. He smiled to himself. She was no doubt getting dressed and ready. He was sure she would be choosing her dress carefully.
“Yes. I’m just going to send for Alexandra, to ask if she wants to go with us.”
“Good!” Arabella said, and he could hear happiness in her voice. “I can’t wait to go! And I want to talk to Alexandra…there are so many things I want to ask her about.”
“Of course,” Matthew called.
Subtly, he wondered what sort of things, and felt a little regret that he, as a big brother, couldn’t really partake in her discussions in the same way Alexandra could. Of course, he understood there were matters she could never confide in him – he was her brother, a man and there were things he wouldn’t understand about her experience – and he was glad that she had Alexandra to confide in instead.
He called to a passing maid. “Please go and find Miss Alexandra and ask her if she will go with us to the park.”
She looked up at him with round eyes. “Of course, your Grace.”
Matthew waited in the hallway, feeling a little impatient. He felt a mix of annoyance and admiration for Alexandra. Of course, he cared deeply for her and still did – that was why the secrets that surrounded her were annoying him.
He didn’t like thinking she hid something.
He pushed the thought to the back of his mind. He knew he was being unfair. At the same time, he had no idea of the nature of whatever secrets she was hiding, and he felt it was wrong of her to have concealed them.
This was hissister’s future she was influencing, after all.
He looked up as she came hurrying down the hallway. He stared at her, conscious of how lovely she was, even wearing a stiff-starched navy dress.
“My summons must have reached you, then?” he asked, as she walked up, breathlessly. “And you will come with us?”
“Yes,” she whispered. Her chest was rising and falling from the run, and she had a soft glow about her. He looked away, feeling a twinge of longing, like he always did whenever he was close to her.
“No need to run. My sister hasn’t arrived,” he said, turning to face her.
“I see,” she nodded.
They looked at each other and he couldn’t help but be amused by her expression. Yes, it was plain his sister wasn’t there yet, and he didn’t need to state that she wasn’t. He wanted to grin. Instead, he looked away quickly, lest she notice the amusement in his eye.
“So,” he said. “You will doubtless be instructing Arabella about her manners and ways?”
“I will be more likely to instruct her about the manners and ways of others, to teach her about whom she should avoid,” Alexandra retorted.
Matthew raised a brow. “I see.”
“Just because a person has all the manners expected, does not mean they are a good person,” Alexandra retorted. “I feel it is important for Arabella to be aware of that, rather than to focused on her own manners and whether or not she offends someone.”
“Of course,” he said, without really giving it much thought. He blinked and took a moment to consider what she had said. She was right, of course. Arabella was a threat to nobody, but other people, whether through censure or actual mistreatment, were potential-dangers to her.
He was still surprised by the comment, still considering it and wondering why Alexandra said that, when his sister arrived.
“Brother! Sorry for keeping you waiting. There you are Alexandra!” She beamed, walking swiftly down the hallway. She was dressed in a pink dress and Matthew had to admit she looked lovely.
“Not at all. We were just here a few minutes,” he admitted. “Shall we take the coach? Green Park is where we’ll head…unless someone else would prefer another park?”
“Oh, no,” Alexandra shook her head.
“I want to go to Green Park,” Arabella said.
They all headed out to the coach. Arabella was talking happily to Alexandra and Matthew considered trying to subtly question Alexandra about her past – considering what he’d discovered, he had a lot to ask her – but decided to wait.
The moment they had returned from the park, and gone upstairs for tea, he seized on an opportunity. Alexandra was in the hallway, and they were alone.
“Where exactly was your father’s school?” he asked her.
Alexandra stared at him. Her eyes went wide.
“Um…not too far from here, your Grace,” she said. She looked at her hands. “In Whitley village. It’s a settlement not too far from here.”
“I see,” he said.
He looked at her. He hadn’t inquired about Whitley village, but he felt certain that, were he to go there and seek out the school, Mr. Illfield would not be the schoolteacher. He looked into her eyes, but she looked away.
“You must have had a difficult childhood.”
“Um…it was not nice, no, your Grace,” she said. She was sitting straight, but he could see her moving her fingers to straighten a fold in the tablecloth, and he knew she was uncomfortable.
“But I am glad it is over, and now you are working here,” he said. That was certainly true. Whatever her lies, and whoever she had been in the past, he was glad she was here.
It did, however, open a whole new set of problems.
“Brother?” Arabella called, coming down the hallway towards them. “Could you come and walk with me?”
“Not now,” he said. “I’m sorry, but I have a lot to consider. I will go with you tomorrow.”
“Of course, Brother.”
Arabella didn’t sound too disappointed, and Matthew was grateful about that. He didn’t want to cause her distress. At the same time, he did have a great deal to think about, and not much time to do it.
“Excuse me,” he said, nodding to Alexandra, and then going upstairs to his bedroom. He locked the door behind him.