“Done. Now spill. And please don’t tell me you’re pregnant. Last I heard you had been on a succession of dates with loser dudes that I know you’d never sleep with anyhow.”
Harper rolled her eyes. Pregnant. Did she even dare tell her how stupid she was on top of how stupid she was, what with the going bareback? She heaved a sigh. “The good news is no, there is no pregnancy. And theoretically won’t be, because thank God I’m on the Pill.”
“Wait a minute. Are you telling me you had sex—like real, live actual penetration? With a man? One who has a penis?” Harper could hear her squealing with joy in the background. “Oh my God. Harper. Finally! I knew you’d find someone you’d want to have sex with again someday. I mean, I didn’t think it would take this long and all. And to be truthful, I wish you’d have just fucked someone—anyone—to get it over with. If you had, it would have been much sooner. But I understand, sometimes some of us are late bloomers. And I guess whatever you’d had with he-who-shall-not-be-named was somehow especially precious to you. And I get it. I mean we all loved Noah. And who knows why he lost his shit the way he did. As much as I hated him for that, I never thought he meant to hurt you. Oh God, I’m on pins and needles. Do I know who it is you finally—finally!—slept with?”
“You are seriously harshing my buzz here, Allie. Because when I do tell you, you’re going to then freak on me and that’s going to freak me out more and ugh—” She took a sip of coffee that turned cold in her mug while she’d ruminated for the past hour.
“You didn’t sleep with like our high school principal or something, did you?”
Harper did a spit take with her drink, spraying coffee all over the breakfast-room table. “No, I didn’t hook up with Mr. Harbinger.”
“That’s a relief. I mean, he’s sort of old. And married. And old.”
“And married.”
“It’s not someone too young, is it? That would be kind of icky.”
“Oh, this one is, sadly, entirely age appropriate.” Harper pinched the bridge of her nose. What the hell had she done? Maybe she shouldn’t be sharing this with Allie. But she needed to talk to someone, and at least that person was her best friend, conveniently far from home and less likely to spread the word. Or meddle. Knowing Allie, she’d try to push the two of them back together. She was a big fan of happy endings. So was Harper until she got the old heave-ho and missed out on hers. “Age appropriate, but life inappropriate.”
“Would you say it already?”
“Okay, on the count of three. One.” Harper took a deep breath. In through the mouth, out through the nose. “Two.” She closed her eyes. Pretend you’re getting a shot. Clench your teeth, squint hard, and it’ll all be done. “Three. Okay, I slept with Noah Gunderson.”
The line was silent.
“Allie?”
“Yeah. I’m here,” Allie said. “Look, honey. We’ve been friends forever. I know you slept with Noah. I mean I slept with Jimmy Cusack back in high school. We all did. Why are you telling me this now?”
“Gah! Allie! I mean I slept with Noah. Last night.”
“Omigod, omigod, omigod. Shut the eff up. You so did not. What? How?”
“How? How do you sleep with someone? It usually means that you let his penis enter your vagina—”
“I know that! I mean how? Where? When? What? Huh?”
Harper heaved yet another hard sigh.
“Evidently Noah’s back. I mean actually, he’s back. And I went on a date—”
“You and Noah had a date?”
“No! I had a date with a guy. An honest-to-goodness sweet guy who I hope to date more. And then I slept with Noah.”
“There is so much more that must have happened in between all of that. Start from the beginning, please.”
“Right. So I had a date. For once the guy was really sweet. We had a great time. I decided I’d go back to his place for a drink. I call up an Uber, and who is my Uber driver but Noah. In a Subaru Outback, of all the damned things.”
“Noah’s driving Uber? I thought he was wandering the world. Or in law school. Or something like that.”
“Law school?”
“Honey, remember? I swore long ago I’d not keep you up to date on your ex.”
“Good point.”
“So why is he back home?”
“Hell if I know.”
“You slept with him and didn’t even ask that?”
“Honestly not a lot of words were exchanged.”
“No words were exchanged?”
“Not many. But plenty of body fluids.”
“Harper, you’re killing me here. Talk.”
“Fine. I was trying to, but you kept interrupting me. So Noah dropped us off at Danny’s place—”
“Sort of awkward.”
“Completely. Not to mention buzzkillish. I mean here I was giving myself a pep talk that I could even sleep with this guy—”
“Which guy?”
“My date!”
“Okay, so you’re about to have sex with this Danny guy, and instead you have sex with Noah when?”
“So I finally bailed on Danny. It was rainy, yucky, so I called for another Uber. And lo and behold, Noah shows up as my driver again.”
“And you do it in his car?”
“No! I’m not that tacky.”
“I think that would be kind of fun.”
“Yes, it would be fun. But I mean not under the circumstances. He shows up in town and bam, I bang him in his car?”
“Well, then where did you?”
“First of all, it was the last thing in my plans.”
“Always is.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean no one ever means to have sex with an ex-boyfriend. Especially one who broke your heart.”
“You can say that again.”
“Except it happens anyhow.”
“You can say that again also.”
“Please continue.”
“Oh yeah, right. So I’m getting out of his car, he walks me to my door, my key gets jammed in the lock, he helps get it out, I have one foot in the foyer, and the next thing you know I’m up against the wall with my dress up to here and his pants down to there.”
“Oh God, Harper, that sounds so passionate.”
“That’s one word for it. I might call it foolish. Or irresponsible. Or impulsive.”
“Or horny.”
“That too.”
“But it’s so exciting! You did it! You’re over your dry spell! Albeit with the last man on the planet I’d expect that from, but hey, sometimes you gotta take what you can get in life. Or in your case what you’re willing to give. You could’ve gotten it from many men, but you didn’t.”
“Yeah, but Allie, now I’ve had sex with my enemy.”
“You could view him more as your frenemy. Or lovermy,” she clucked out loud. “Nah, that sounds weird.”
“Either way, I should never have done that and worse still, dammit, I want to do it so badly again that it almost makes my mouth water.”
“So then do it again.”
Harper’s eyes grew wide. “Are you crazy? Once was impulsive. Twice would be sheer stupidity.”
“Or you could call it practice.”
Harper laughed. “Practice for getting my heart hurt again?”
“You’re not going to let that happen—I’m sure of it. And quite frankly my guess is that he has no such intentions. It’s interesting, though, that you didn’t even know he was back. And the fact that he’s driving Uber means he’s working at home, which means he must be living back in Verity Beach. So I wonder what brought him back. And how long it’s been. And why he didn’t reach out to you—except that he feared you’d lop off his balls, maybe—and wow, what kismet that he ended up being your driver. Kind of like your knight in shining armor. Only in a Subaru Outback.”
Harper groaned. “I’d think that would be funnier if it wasn’t so
unfunny, you know.”
“Oh, this is actually so very entertaining. I am quite excited to watch this unfold from afar. I can’t wait to hear what happens next.”
“Are you suggesting there should be a next?”
“I’m saying there damn well better be because I want to hear every little bit about it.”
“Trust me, the only thing that might happen is me taking advantage of the proximity of his very familiar penis.”
“Which was as good as ever, I presume?”
Harper let out a little moan. “Better, unfortunately.”
She could hear her friend clapping in the background. “Oh, Harper. Hurray. Yes, yes, you need to take as much advantage of that thing as possible. And keep me posted on your progress.”
“For that matter, the only progress that might happen is I might be able to catch up on some long-lost sexual satisfaction.”
“Baby steps, my dear. Baby steps.”
Baby steps, indeed. Harper resolved to make room for some Harper time. And if getting with Noah helped in that regard, well, then, it would have to suffice. Maybe she’d simply suffer through sex with Noah for the cause.
Chapter Eleven
Noah had been promising his brother he’d babysit for his nephew for months now, and Matthew had cashed in at last.
“Dude, thanks for taking Tyler for the night,” Matt said as he handed a list of childcare instructions that looked more like a book manuscript it was so long and involved.
Noah held the multipage, stapled document aloft, dramatically leafing through the pages. “Is there a character arc in this? Obviously Tyler’s our protagonist, but who’s the antagonist?”
Matt grinned. “You, naturally.”
“I would argue that as the parent you’d be the obvious foil for our hero.”
“Yeah, but I’m the one who saves him from any and all disasters,” Matt’s wife Katie said, leaning in to kiss her brother-in-law hello on the cheek. “And if there are any disasters that befall him while we’re out to dinner, you have me to answer to.” She aimed her thumb at her chest. “And I can be a mean sonofabitch when it comes to my son.”
Noah patted Katie on the back. “Rest assured, the only danger that could befall Tyler might be a bit of a sugar buzz.” He pointed to a Ziploc bag he’d set on the counter. “Chocolate-chip cookies. Made them myself.”
Katie smiled. “I know you were an absentee uncle for a long time, and you’re doing a fine job of making up for lost time. But consider yourself warned: kids and sugar at bedtime is never a good combination.”
He shrugged. “Yeah, I might well live to regret it, but the good news is I get to go home and have a good night’s sleep either way.”
She jokingly punched him on the arm. “And Matt and I might just decide to find a hotel room for the night and leave you to your own devices. Now play nicely, you two.” She pointed to her little boy, who had a mess of spaghetti sauce smeared all over his mouth and random noodles strewn around the table and on his lap. “And Uncle Noah’s going to give you a nice, warm bath before bedtime, so you’re shiny and clean. Love you, baby doll!” She gave her son a bunch of kisses all over his face, wiped the sauce she picked up off her own face, and they waved goodbye.
Noah sat down next to his nephew. “So, kiddo. You’re doing a bang-up job of that meal. You care to share any with your super hungry uncle?”
“No fork,” the boy said.
“No problem,” Noah said. “That’s what we have hands for.” He reached over and scooped up pasta with his fingers and shoved it into his mouth. The child giggled.
“Mommy says no hands,” he said. But he dropped his fork on the ground and didn’t bother to pick it up, instead grabbing a small fistful of noodles and forcing them into his mouth.
Noah chewed his noodles then opened his mouth wide. “Say ah!”
Tyler belly laughed hard, and it reminded Tyler what a prick he was not being there for this adorable little boy for all those years.
Of course his nephew mimicked him, and they both made nom-nom sounds as they ate like cavemen for the rest of the meal.
After they’d finished, Noah took a look at the table and floor beneath them. “Gah!” he said. “Uncle Noah is a pig!” He made oinking sounds and pushed his nose up, and the boy joined in the fun until he fell into Noah’s lap laughing.
“What say we get this cleaned up and then we go right to dessert?” He lifted his brow. “There’s cookies and ice cream in your future if you’ll help me.”
The two carried their dishes to the kitchen, and Noah gave Tyler a sponge to ostensibly wipe up after himself. It worked about as well as he expected, but he figured it was good training so let it go at that.
He grabbed the ice cream from the freezer and filled two bowls, topping each one with a cookie. “Oh,” he said, holding up a finger. “I almost forgot.” He walked toward the refrigerator, opening the door and pulling out a can of whipped cream. He swirled it on top of each cookie to the boy’s wide-eyed joy.
“More!” he said.
“More whipped cream?”
“Yes!” He nodded his head vigorously.
“Ahhh… I’ve got an idea.” He leaned over his nephew, aiming the whipped cream at his chin, making a little beard, then finishing it off with a fake mustache. He then repeated it on himself. He grabbed Tyler’s hand and raced with him to the bathroom so they could have a look in the mirror, where Tyler clapped in delight. “I tell you what—let’s preserve this for the books.” He grabbed his phone and snapped a picture of the two with their whipped cream facial hair, then took a big lick of his nephew’s chin, whereupon Tyler did the same back to him. They quickly licked their faces clean in between more selfies, returning to dig into their main dessert.
“I want you to babysit every day!”
Noah laughed. “I have a sneaking suspicion your mother might feel differently after she sees these pictures.”
~*~
After they cleaned up their dessert mess, Noah ran a bath and helped Tyler into the warm bubbles. He splashed and played and got Noah sufficiently wet, and soon the bubbles dissipated and the water grew tepid. Which was when the child decided it was time to play with his penis.
“I guess they start ’em young with the right equipment.” Noah laughed. “Remember, grasshopper, that thing will be your best friend, so treat him well. And while you’re at it, use that only as a tool for good in the world. You rope a girl in with that thing, you fall in love, then don’t go doing stupid things you’ll regret, you hear?”
Tyler kept diddling his private parts, totally tuning Noah out.
“You know, your father was far more honorable than I was. And I wasn’t even the one with the huge life-changing news. Damn. He was the one who had to rethink everything. And yet there I was, happy in a relationship, but I got so damned scared, I ran. What a wanker.”
Tyler giggled. “Wankuh.”
Noah nodded. “Yeah. That.” He pulled the plug from the drain and plucked the child from the tub, wrapping him tightly in a soft towel.
“You ready for a couple of bedtime stories, my little man?”
Tyler nodded and ran naked toward his bedroom, his uncle in hot pursuit.
Chapter Twelve
For all these years, Harper had managed to avoid even attempting to spy on Noah on Facebook. She didn’t even know if he was on there. It didn’t matter. She didn’t want to know about him, about his life, whether he was married or dead or had joined a cult. It was much, much easier to pretend he didn’t exist.
But now, dammit, she could not eradicate thoughts of Noah from her brain. She almost felt like that stupid schoolgirl who was waiting for the high school quarterback to call after the one time he glanced her way. Only she hadn’t even given Noah her number. And she’d made it clear she was off-limits. And she didn’t know if she never wanted to see him again or wanted a command performance, stat. Though she was afraid the latter was wha
t she was after. Crap.
She was sitting at the bar in her kitchen. She’d poured a tall glass of wine, closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and opened her laptop. She clicked on the favorites bar and opened up to Facebook, the giant time suck that seemingly swallowed human beings whole, never to be seen again. Sadly Facebook seemed ready-made for a girl who was home alone on a Saturday night. A girl who’d yet to hear from the man she should have been pining for a little more than for the untrustworthy ghost from her past.
She was a little disappointed that Danny hadn’t even sent her a text, but then again, who knew how these things were supposed to unfold? Maybe she should be glad he didn’t view her as an insta-booty call. Maybe it was respectful that he was allowing some time before reaching out to her. Some time. It had been a full week. That was kind of like an epoch when it came to dating. Or at least it should be. She could have even called him but she was simply not that girl. It would have felt a little forced to glom onto him like that.
The screen opened onto her homepage, and she scrolled up to the top bar and typed in Noah’s name. Immediately a link popped up, and she clicked on it. Phew. He had it set so that everyone could see his posts, which would make her subterfuge imminently more achievable.
She was about to look through his photos but was instantly drawn in by the first one she saw: Noah and a child, their faces covered with shaving cream or something. They were both smiling in the selfie. The next one showed Noah licking the child’s face. Obviously not shaving cream. Must be whipped cream. But who was this child? He looked to be about three or four years old. Wait. Three or four. Oh my God. That’s why Noah left me! He got some other girl pregnant! Clearly while we were together. Oh God, oh God, oh God. He was fooling around on me even before he left? And I thought we were so happy. What a bastard. What a dirty, rotten bastard. It was bad enough he left me, but now I know why and honestly, I could kill the man.
It was too late to call anyone, so she typed a message to Allie.
SOS. Go check out Noah’s Facebook page. You’re not gonna believe it. He’s a freaking baby daddy.
She couldn’t bear to look at any more of Noah’s alternate life. The one that could and should have been hers, had he not betrayed her even more than she’d realized. She shut her laptop and rested her head on the countertop as tears filled her eyes.
Falling for Mr. Wrong Page 5