His brain sputtered through images of steaming intestines, rivulets of blood congealed on concrete. He pushed past them, searching, his desperation growing as he grasped for anything that could calm him, soothe the need for fury and knuckles smearing against brick walls like cheese graters. Flayed flesh. Gabe fell to his knees.
He’d lose it, lose control. Rampage. “No, please,” he cried.
Pedestrians marched around him. Soon they’d be begging for their lives. And he’d ignore their pleas. Kill slowly.
“No,” he moaned as the ice began to fill him, drag him down into another cold night of foggy memories made of half-forgotten nightmares. “I won’t give in.”
And then he saw her face.
Behind his closed eyes, Kristen’s image shimmered like a mirage. Gabe sucked a breath, focused. Something too much like affection overwhelmed him and his stomach rolled uneasily. Kristen. He fed off her quiet strength, and the ice inside him ease back a bit. He heard her whisper his name, the old name.
You are not Gabriel anymore, he cursed himself. You’re a murderer. Dangerous. You killed Eden.
“I’m sorry.” His whisper faltered, broke apart in the freezing air. The darkness smelled of snow to come.
“I won’t kill again,” he swore, rising to his feet. And it was true. He’d gotten stronger.
A little longer. A bit more control. One day without a black out—only one—and he’d trust himself enough to track down Az. Az could help him. Help him get Home.
“I belong Upstairs.” Gabe lurched as the word left his lips, hitting the concrete on his hands and knees. He puked until his esophagus burned, the bile stained with strings of red.
“I want to go Home,” he choked out defiantly.
The retching started anew.
Chapter 7
Eden braced herself against the sink, her knuckles white. She caught her reflection in the mirror, tears smearing black streaks of mascara down her cheeks. She’d have to redo her makeup.
“Are you coming?” Az yelled from the living room. “We should have already left!”
She tried to keep her voice from wavering as she yelled, “I need a minute!”
Pain racked through her. As it had earlier that morning, the pressure in her guts built. This time was so much worse. She doubled over with a moan. A strange gurgle rose out of her as the cramp finally broke off. Her mouth filled with a horrid taste.
She slammed on the faucet, cupping a handful of water and swishing it around in her cheeks. When she spat, the water came out gray.
Eden stared as it swirled down the drain. She startled at the rap on the bathroom door.
“You get lost?” Az asked. Even through the wood she could hear his boyish excitement.
The change in him was unsettling. Mere hours ago, he’d been dangerously close to Falling, but with every mile they put between themselves and Madeline, he’d rallied. By the time they reached the apartment, he’d been his own self.
She wondered what he’d stopped Madeline from saying, what other drama their hasty exit had spared him. He’d recovered so quickly, almost as if he hadn’t really been Falling. She shook away the thought.
“I’m coming!” she called back and then lowered her voice to a whisper, staring back at her reflection in the mirror. “You’ve got to tell him about this,” she said quietly to herself. She stifled a gag and cupped another drink. This time the water left her mouth clear.
Even before her mystery pain, she’d tried to back out of their date, reason with him, but he wouldn’t budge. She gave in when she realized how much their night together meant to him.
Az needed this.
But it didn’t keep her fears away. She knew he wanted to make the night special, a surprise, but that only raised her anxiety. Would they be in a crowd? Alone? What if something happened and Az lost it again? She glanced at the swirl of residue left around the drain.
What if something happened to her?
Eden wet the washcloth hanging over the back of the faucet and used a bit of soap to clean the mascara, doing her best to be gentle.
She quickly stroked on a fresh layer of mascara. “Tonight’s going to be good,” she said, her voice shaking worse than her hands. “And tomorrow...”
Tomorrow you stop pretending this is going away, she thought. But for now, she plastered a smile on her lips. With a deep breath, Eden turned from the mirror and swung the door open, raising a hand to the doorframe.
“I swear on all that is holy, you laugh and it’s your ass,” she said, knowing Az would hear the nerves behind her bravado and hoped he’d think it was only her being girly about her hair.
Her bangs swept across her forehead, clipped near her ear, but the rest of her hair she’d chopped off to nearly a pixie cut. The pink had been bleached away, and then she’d dyed the highlights a dark green.
The silence stretched out. As stupid as it was, she realized she really did want him to like what she’d done. At least not hate it. “I figured if anyone was looking for us, they’d be saying I had pink hair.” Eden smiled uncomfortably. “Now I don’t.”
The rumors circulating about her since she’d moved to Manhattan always mentioned her pink streaks. That’s how the Siders found her. If the Bound were doing the same, maybe the dye would throw them off. Even Luke wouldn’t recognize her from behind, especially in a crowd. It might be enough to buy she and Az one good night together.
Az rose off the couch slowly.
“Bad idea?” Eden brought her hand up to the back of her neck, catching a few strands of her newly cut hair.
He swallowed hard and shook his head.
“What then?” she asked, hoping he hadn’t heard her in the bathroom.
“Hair’s fine, but in that dress, everyone’s going to be looking at you.”
She beamed, dropping her pose in the threshold, stooping to pull a strap of her high heel around her ankle and buckling it. Her dress was black, the white frill of the underlayer showing through tiny lacey eyelets. It was one of her favorite thrift store finds, but more importantly it went with her most comfortable heels. Ones she’d be able to run in.
Everything inside her told her it was a stupid risk, going out like this so they could pretend they were a normal couple. But as she watched Az grab his suit coat off the back of the couch and slip into it, the danger didn’t seem so terrible. They’d be in public. They’d be together. She felt okay again.
Eden watched as he buttoned the blazer closed, mesmerized. She’d never seen him dressed up, hadn’t prepared herself for the way the clothes made him look—sophisticated and fashionable. The sharp lines of his jaw and cheekbones belonged in the pages of a magazine. On a movie screen. He looked up suddenly, caught her ogling him. His grin widened as he walked to her. And that smile, Az happy, made all the risk worth it.
“You know,” she said, cocking her head. “I think we need to work more formal events into our schedule.”
He smiled, adjusting his cufflinks. “Yeah? You like me in this getup?”
She laced her hands around his neck. “Actually, right now I’m a little caught up on the idea of getting you out of it.”
He kissed the line of her jaw, slowly working his way lower on her neck. A soft sigh slipped out of her. He smelled so good, his normal crisp scent mixing with the musk of the cologne he wore. Her fingers tensed on his shoulders.
“You’re not trying to blow off our date again are you,” he whispered in her ear. She groaned, pulling back. Az caught her hand, lifted it until she moved closer again.
“No, but for the record—” she slid her leg slowly between his, her voice low and sultry—“I’m taking a rain check.” She kissed his cheek, forcing herself to stop there, though every part of her wanted to keep going.
“For the record, you keep that up you’re not going to need one,” he murmured back.
She retreated into her room, a large piece of her hoping he’d follow, and grabbed the waist length black coat she’d left on her bed, the
silver gloves she knew she’d need in public. Out of Az’s sight, she gave herself a moment. Nothing hurt, the strange taste washed away. I’m fine, she promised herself. Everything’s fine.
“Ready?” she asked.
Az nodded as he hooked her arm, leading the way out the door and into the hall. He locked up behind them.
“So can we take the subway to our mystery location? We’re already cutting it close on rent,” she said as they walked down the stairs.
“Love on the cheap means I’m going to have to amp up the romance.” He threw the downstairs door open with a dramatic sweeping gesture, catching the tips of her fingers as if she were a princess climbing from a coach. “Your stairs await.”
She laughed and stepped through. Someone let out a sharp exhale and the stairs came alive with motion, legs and arms tangling in the frantic rush to stand, a small chorus of pleas. Eden froze as the three Siders formed a semicircle around her.
“Don’t even ask her!” Az slid in front of her before she could react. “She’s out of commission.”
A tremor passed through Eden, phantom pains shooting up her arms, across her collarbones. A month ago, she would have already been heading the three to the alley, ending them one by one and taking their Touch into herself. But that was before. Now, death at her lips would send a soul Downstairs.
To Luke.
She hadn’t taken out a Sider since Gabe had Fallen.
The pains in her arms sharpened. It’s happening again, she thought, trying not to panic, but the sensation faded.
“We’re not leaving.” One guy came forward, his hand held out. In it was a fifty-dollar bill, the price she’d charged for her ‘talents.’ “I have the money. She has to do it.”
“No. She doesn’t.” Az’s voice rang with authority. “Spread the word. We’ll let you know when things change.”
“I’m sorry.” Eden couldn’t keep the guilt from her voice. The ones who sought her out were desperate, but she wouldn’t send them Downstairs.
The guy reached in his pocket, digging frantically. “Look, take it all. I mean, I won’t need it, right?” Eden peeked over Az’s shoulder. The Sider’s eyes found hers. “Please?”
“I can’t,” she managed, taking Az’s hand and pushing past. Without her, no one was going anywhere. They’d have to learn to make the best of it.
“Bitch!” one of them yelled out behind her.
Az stiffened but Eden kept walking. “They can call me whatever they want. It doesn’t matter.” She forced herself to smile. “Don’t let it ruin tonight.”
They headed down the stairs to the subway station, swiping their MetroCards as they passed through the turnstiles. Eden was a step ahead, made it a few yards before she realized Az wasn’t following. Behind her, he walked slowly looking intently at his hand. She watched as he lifted one to his nose and sniffed it uncertainly.
“Get something on you?”
He glanced up and held his hand out. On his palm was a smear of black. “I think there was something on the turnstile. Was it on yours too?”
She turned her hand over. The entire center of her palm was covered in grey-black powder.
“The turnstile,” she said absently. She scraped her nails against the powder. It flaked away, the skin underneath clean.
Az shrugged, wiped his palms on the legs of his trouser pants, and started to walk toward the train again.
“Want to try to guess where we’re going yet?” Az asked.
“No idea.” Eden forced a smile and let herself get caught in his excitement.
Az grinned coyly, listing off on his fingers. “Someplace very public, where if anyone did see us, they wouldn’t dare make a scene. Free. Cheesy romantic.” He paused. “It’s December,” he prodded.
She gave an amused shrug as they boarded the train.
His smile widened. “Then you’ll have to wait.”
The evergreen rose high above them, every branch twinkling with lights and hung with oversized ornaments. She’d never seen anything so beautiful.
Az stood behind her, snuggling close. “It’s your first Christmas in the city,” he said. “I wanted to be the one to show you the tree.”
Eden laughed, giddy as she took in the nearly hundred-foot-tall Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. “I think you might have outdone yourself on the romance factor.”
She turned into his arms, hugging him. Beside them, a busker played Christmas carols on a tattered violin, the soulful notes echoing through the air. Eden dropped a dollar into the musician’s case as they passed.
Az’s hand caught her waist suddenly, twirling her with the momentum. “Dance with me?” He smiled. “It’ll keep me out of trouble.”
His hands flexed to draw her to him, and everything else seemed to melt away. He spun her, whirled her out until only the tips of their gloved fingers connected them. Then his grip called her closer, leading her back to him. Something shifted in his eyes. At first, she thought it was only a subtle change in color, but there was more to it, a calm contentedness.
In a perfect world, she thought suddenly. This is how we would be. One of her hands held his, the other on his shoulder as they fell into step, a delicate back and forth.
Her breath caught as Az swept her into a dip and then swung her up again.
He adjusted his grip on Eden’s waist. “Told you everyone’d be watching you in that dress,” he whispered.
She glanced around, self-consciously realizing the crowd had parted in a circle of smiling faces around them. She tried to ignore the eyes on her, tried to concentrate on Az, but a blush heated her neck and she lost her rhythm. He spun her to cover her misstep. Her dress billowed. She tightened her arm until his had wrapped back around her.
The crowd clapped and folded in around them, returning to the normal strolling pedestrian traffic.
“You look gorgeous.” Az kissed her forehead, her cheek, her earlobe. “It’s going to be okay,” he whispered, running his hands up and down her arms. “I know you’re worried about me. But no matter what happens, you and I are going to come out of this okay and together, all right? Just like last time.”
She nodded. Everything in her wanted to kiss him, lips against his, breathing his breath. But she couldn’t. Her lips were poisonous to Az. She’d already passed him Touch once accidently and he’d nearly Fallen. She didn’t know if her breath could affect him like it did the Siders.
They’d never be able to kiss. She tried not to think about it, to be satisfied with his lips on her neck. It was the penance to pay for being with him. One she’d suffer through every day if it meant staying together.
“I’m glad you convinced me to come out,” she said, because it was true. She’d needed this night.
“I wouldn’t have let you miss—” Az stopped midsentence. Her head on his shoulder, Eden felt him tense. “Oh shit,” he whispered, his voice betraying a fear she’d never heard in him before.
She didn’t dare move. “What? What is it?”
“Go. Run.”
Her hand slid down to his chest. “No. I’m not leaving you.”
“Please!” He wore an expression of confused horror. “Please, go, Eden.”
She opened her mouth to protest and under her hand on his chest, his heart speed suddenly. Az kept his eyes over her shoulder, her fingers still laced in his.
“Who is it? Luke?” She turned to scan the crowd behind her.
“It’s not the Fallen,” Az said in terrified disbelief.
The angel coming toward them looked almost human, but Eden picked him out of the crowd easily. He was too perfect to blend, his features overly defined, his eyes all wrong, fearless. His bowlegged gait carried him on a crooked path toward them, as if he had just learned to walk. He stayed silent until he was almost on top of them.
“You tarnished lag!” he snarled at Az. “Where is Gabriel?”
Eden jumped at the unchecked anger, her eyes widening. A few heads in the crowd turned their way and gave the three of them a
once over.
Az kept his voice calm, but the hand in hers trembled. “He’s not here, Michael. I don’t know where Gabe—”
“Call him proper!” Michael yelled. “Gab-ri-el.” He split the name in three, voice cracking on the last syllable with a sound like twisting steel. Eden couldn’t help her wince. “He’s blackmarked and forbidden Upstairs. You have knowledge.”
“You’re forbidden from leaving Upstairs, or did you forget that little detail? Not unless it’s the end times.” Az’s voice lowered to be sure they weren’t being overheard; his eyes darted across the crowd. The violinist played on as if to mask their words, aided by the happy chatter of the people around them. “And that would be mortal end times, Michael. Losing your lover doesn’t count.”
Michael looked nauseated as Az spoke.
“See,” Az went on, rotating slightly toward Eden. “Michael’s the one who got me thrown out. For love. And now he’s here to save his own. Now that, is irony.”
Michael’s trying to save his own love? Gabe couldn’t be with this guy, she thought in shock.
“So covetous of revenge that you’d leave Gabriel even Unfeathered? You know it shouldn’t be so.”
Az’s face paled. “It wasn’t my fault,” he whispered.
Eden wrapped her arm around his. He’s goading Az, she thought, horrified. The Bound wouldn’t push him to Fall fully …would they?
Michael’s head swiveled suddenly to the side, birdlike, as he shuffled inches closer to Eden. She froze under his cold gray eyes. His nostrils flared, scenting her out like an animal. “She’s one of those things, isn’t she?”
That’s it, she thought. Pay attention to me. It would keep him from messing with Az. Eden stepped forward.
Michael stifled a gag with the back of his hand. “Her flesh reeks of smolder. How do you stand the stench?”
Eden balked.
Az carefully annunciated each word he spoke. “She is not damned.”
“Nor are those the words I spoke. Shall I repeat? Her flesh reeks of smolder.”
Even in the strange glow of the Christmas lights, Eden saw the color drain from Az’s face. His worried eyes darted to her, skipped back to Michael. In the crowd, people were starting to watch them. Some had taken out their cell phones. If she could get Michael to react, someone would help. She and Az could make a run for it.
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