by S. M. Lynn
Gavin gives me a confused look as I turn to greet Brett.
“Good morning, Bre…” The words die on my lips. I want to jump from my seat but fear holds me firmly in place. I look again to Gavin not sure what to say or do.
“Please don’t be mad at me.” His voice barely even a whisper. He picks up his coffee and heads back to his room, leaving me alone to face my fear. I need my rock, how could he walk out on me in this moment? My mouth hangs open and I don’t even know what to say or where to begin. Slowly I raise my gaze to meet his. He hasn’t taken his eyes off me since he walked in the room but he also made no move to come any closer. The separation is killing me. I jump so suddenly from my stool that it topples over backward. What a time to be clumsy! I right the chair and pick up my mug. Gesturing to the sofa, I move to sit over there. He follows; his countenance is desolate.
If it hadn’t been for the sensations that he still stirred in me, I would have hardly recognized him. His features are downcast, he’s lost weight and doesn’t carry himself with the same pride that he once did. I don’t know whether to hold him or turn away and weep. I want to tell him that I love him, to lay everything at his feet and beg for him to take me into his arms. This seems almost a dream for him to be sitting in my living room, so close and yet so far away. He makes no move to speak either. Neither of us able to find the words to bring us back to the beginning or even a place where we can start again.
My heart is overjoyed at the sight of him but my mind is consumed with what I have put him through, with what he must think of me now and in the very back I still see that picture of Elizabeth and her giant diamond clad finger. Would it be so easy for him to move on? I don’t want to believe it but I know I hurt him with my lies.
He is the first to break the silence. “Celeste?” My name falls like a question from his lips. “I’m sorry I suppose I should call you Lauren.” I don’t want to read into his tone but it’s hard to mistake the sarcasm.
He sits near me but keeps enough space between us that we aren’t touching. His demeanor is cool at best. “Ian,” I begin, “if you don’t want to do this I understand. You don’t have to say anything. We don’t have to do this. Really I understand how difficult this must be for you.” I can’t bring myself to look at him so I just stare straight ahead.
Ian takes a deep breath and before I even realize he’s moved, my hand is in his and his thigh brushes mine. He brings his nose to my hair and inhales deeply. My eyes close in pleasure. It’s all I can do to suppress the moan that rises up in the back of my throat. “I’ve missed you so much.” His whispered words crack with emotion. “Do you have any idea… No, of course you don’t. I know it looks as if I abandoned you just when you needed me the most.” Yes, he hit the nail on the head with that one. Because while I understand his need to process everything in his own time, the last few weeks I needed his support the most. I reflect again on the time we lost. Was this the destiny for our relationship, to come so close and then to have one or the other of us pull away? I don’t think I can deal with the consequences of the back and forth any longer.
“Ian, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you or lie to you. You must understand. I couldn’t let anyone know. I couldn’t risk him finding me. Though in the end it appears that it was all for naught. I’m sorry. I really wanted to tell you. You have to know that. That night, I tried, I wanted to… I was going to tell you. Please you have to believe me.”
“Cele… Sorry, Lauren. God, it’s going to take some time to get used to calling you that. Do you have any idea how much I wanted you the first time I saw you? The first time we met, I mean the very first time. When you came upstate with your father?” A small smile played on his lips and I couldn’t help but return it. “You couldn’t have been more than 17 or 18 at the time. It was only one meeting and fairly brief. I think you waited in the lobby for William to finish a meeting with my dad and I and then we all went to lunch and that was it.”
“I will never forget that day as long as I live.”
“That day all I could think of was taking you back my apartment and stripping you out of that sweet skirt and blouse you had on. I wanted to see what was underneath but more than that, I was captivated by you. I had to keep reminding myself that I had a fiancé at home waiting for me and to top it all off, you probably weren’t even legal.”
I giggled at the last. “I was eighteen I’ll have you know.”
I remembered that day all too well. During our separation, I thought about it many times, maybe too much, constantly wondering what if. So many things could have happened to bring us together then. Life would have been so different for both of us. Would we be happily married with children right now? Would we have dated a while and then moved on from each other? So many thoughts spinning around in my head but all of them meant nothing without him.
“Of course I do. I thought you were so hot. I hadn’t ever felt feelings like that before. I couldn’t even describe how I felt. I was hot and tingly all over.” Okay talking about that day is doing nothing to help this situation. Now I am hot and bothered in a whole other way and that’s also doing nothing to help our situation. Maybe he’s better off without me. At least without me, he won’t be in danger and he’ll be able to find happiness with someone who won’t keep things from him and lie to him. “There was a pull toward you that I couldn’t explain. Still can’t. I know I should let you go but I can’t. I know you would be happier with her, safer with her and I should just walk away. But I love you. And I will do whatever it takes to bring you back to me.”
Maybe I should’ve stopped myself sooner, before I spilled my guts completely but he deserves to know. And I need to know what I’m up against. If he asked me to, told me he loved her and wanted to be with her, I knew it would be hard but I would walk away. His happiness is more important than my own and I would do anything to make him happy and keep him safe even if that meant hurting myself.
“Ian, I’m so confused. Please. I just have to know, do you love her? I don’t blame you if you do but I need to know.”
His eyes cloud with confusion then clear as realization that I know all about the other woman in Florida dawns. So it’s true then. He’s moved on. He keeps his fingers entwined with mine as his eyes looks into the depths of my soul.
“The woman, in Florida, Elizabeth Burke. Do you love her?” I try to clarify though surely he knows what I’m talking about. I would say just about anything right now to get him to respond. I need him to tell me what this means for me, what this means for us.
He really doesn’t owe me anything other than a goodbye if this is what he wants. He doesn’t have to explain. I said I understood and I do. I don’t blame him. But apparently I have a sadistic side of my own and I enjoy inflicting pain upon myself because I can’t let him go without knowing the answer even though it will torture me for the rest of my life.
“I didn’t think you had seen those pictures. Gavin never mentioned it to me.”
“Yeah, well, I… um… I might have set up Google alerts on you. I needed to make sure you were okay,” I say trying to explain away my stalker tendencies. My head is spinning and my emotions are overwhelming me. One minute I feel like I’ll do whatever he needs to make him happy even let him go and the next I feel like I’ll suffocate if he leaves me again. This can’t be healthy. “So what is she to you? Are you here just to leave me again? Honestly, if that’s the case I almost wish you hadn’t come back at all. I thought I could listen to you and have you tell me that you didn’t want me anymore. That it would make it easier but now I see it will only be harder. I deserve every bit of your anger and resentment though, I do. So just tell me so we can move on.” I lower my head and pull my hand from his into my lap. I never wanted to be here. I just wanted Ian, for all my life but too many things happened and too much time had passed. I’m scared but it’s better to know now.
He runs his hands through his hair before turning to look at me. “I know it’s wrong but honestly, I was ho
ping to bypass this part of the conversation since Gavin hadn’t mentioned that you’d seen them but… I guess I’ll have to explain everything.”
My chest constricts. No, I won’t do this, not here in front of him. He will not get to see how badly he’s breaking me. I will be strong. I refuse to panic; these feelings cannot steal my breath. I’m strong now, strong enough to stand up to Dean, strong enough to handle this. The tension eases some with my pep talk as he continues. “Elizabeth and I have known each for a long time. We met in college actually, though I was already dating Rebecca then. And as you know, I’ve worked with her father on several deals. The development in Florida is at a critical phase, and well, I needed a break, time to think after everything…” His voice trails off but the hurt is clear. “So I decided to spend some time down there getting things wrapped up with the developer and some realtors were interested in showing a couple of models.
Anyway, while in Florida, I went to see Holden to get his take on the development and discuss some other projects coming up that he would like to work on with me. Elizabeth was at the office when I got there. She’s working in management for him now. We grabbed a quick lunch to catch up. And then since she knew I was staying for a little while she asked if I would accompany her to an event that weekend, which led to another event and being that we’re friends, while I was there, we had a lunch a few times. Of course she was at the dinner with Holden and the developers. The press had a field day with it, making us into the perfect couple. I don’t know how else to say this but to just come out with it.” I gulp for air preparing for the blow that’s coming. He has no idea that what he’s about to say will hurt me more than any punch Dean could ever deliver. “Breathe Lauren. It isn’t what you think. I can tell from the look on your face that your mind has run away on this. Sweetheart,” his voice softens, “how many times do I have to tell you? The only person in this world for me is you. There’s nothing between Elizabeth and I, other than a couple friends having lunch. I know what the press made it look like and that’s why I hoped you hadn’t seen the pictures.”
“But Ian, I did see them. I know what you look like in love. I know what I saw and it was definitely the real thing.”
“Sweetheart, did it ever occur to you that maybe I needed someone to talk to about everything that was happening between us? If you saw love in my face in any of those pictures it’s because most of our time together was spent discussing you and our relationship.” Well, fuck, I hadn’t even considered that. “Sweetheart, do you really think so little of yourself or what we had to think that I could get over you so easily?”
Yes. There goes my insecurity again. God, this has me reduced to a woman who doesn’t even know herself. There’s no way I can tell him this though. “No, but the pictures, there were so many of them. You two were nearly inseparable or at least that’s what it looked like. And I was here all alone and so scared and oh god, Ian…” I can’t stop the tears; he was telling me everything I wanted to hear and yet he still had left me for all that time.
“Shit, Lauren, I’m so sorry. Please I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just needed some time and then work came up. Honestly, I only had lunch with her a few times and then she asked me to accompany her to a couple events because her fiancé,” he stresses this word as if I would miss it, “is out of the country. One of which was for the same foundation I support here, the American Heart Association, since you know how much that means to me.” He gives me a sad smile. I knew events like that and talking about it made him think about his father. His father would have been so proud of the man he had become. “Funny thing about it though. You know normally all I think about at our charity event here is my father. But this time all I thought about was you. How ironic that the one woman my dad had always gushed about, had always tried to push me toward, was the one I loved more than my own life? Honestly, I think he may have had a little crush on you himself. He would get a good chuckle out of this whole situation. Well minus the shit with Dean, of course.”
His eyes were glued to mine. “Sweetheart, I’m sorry I didn’t call or respond to you. I wasn’t trying to be cruel. But I knew if I was around to see what that bastard did to you I would hunt him down and kill him. I had to get away before I did something that would damage us forever. I feel so stupid now. You needed me, more than you probably ever have and I abandoned you. Jesus, I can’t believe I’m so foolish.”
I stare in shock. When he began I was sure he was saying goodbye and now, well, now it seems like he’s saying something else entirely. “Stunned you speechless huh? Well, I always love it when I can accomplish that.” He smiles, a real Ian smile, the panty dropping smile that he saves just for me. “Sweetheart, how could you even think I would want anyone besides you?”
Because I feel like I’m going crazy, like this whole situation with you, Dean, everything has me hanging on to my sanity by a single thread and that thread is beginning to fray. “I just thought it would all be too much. I didn’t want to keep it from you. I really did want to tell you but first I was afraid what you would think of me and now, now I’m afraid of what will happen once you know everything. I’m afraid of what he will do to you and to everyone that I love. I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to any of you.”
“Lauren,” my name falls from his lips like a prayer, “you are perfect. There is nothing about you that I don’t love. You are everything to me. Please don’t push me away.”
Instantly I’m melted by his words but are they enough? Is his love for me and mine for him enough of a reason to risk whatever Dean may be planning? Should we just walk away from this now? “Ian, I don’t know how to explain it. But I knew what he was doing to me was wrong. I’m so ashamed that I stayed even though I knew he would hurt me. It’s almost like I welcomed the pain. Dean is like two people. There were times when I could really believe that he loved me and it was those times I would use against myself when he would hurt me. I was sure when you knew the truth, knew how weak I truly was that you wouldn’t be able to stand the sight of me. There were so many times I wanted to tell you. So many times I tried but couldn’t find the words. I know that’s no excuse but I wanted you to know that I wanted to tell you. I kept waiting for that perfect moment. Gavin told me it would never come and I just needed to tell you but I couldn’t seem to bring myself to do it. I was afraid you would hate me and push me away. But there are many more things I need to say to you and I need you to hear me through.”
“Lauren,” he caressed my name with his tongue. “It is so easy to call you that. Almost effortless. I thought after all the time I spent with Celeste; it would be difficult but it just comes naturally.” He smiles and takes my hand. “I understand there are things we need to discuss and more that needs to be said. So let’s just take this slowly for now and get everything out in the open. I want to be with you but I need to know you, all of you, first.”
I give him a light smile but it doesn’t reach my eyes and I’m sure he notices the sad look in them. I’m so torn. Part of me is grateful that he’s willing to go slow and talk all this through but another part wants to forget it all and forge ahead at full steam, to be in Ian’s arms and have him take all the pain away. “I understand that you must be feeling as if you don’t know me at all but really I’m the same person. Well, maybe not the same person as you met the very first time, but I am same person as you met that night at the club and that day in your office. I have some of the same insecurities Lauren had combined with the strength and resilience of Celeste. I’m trying to make my way forward, out of the fear but it’s proven difficult. I’m finally getting some help to deal with everything that has happened but I need you here with me to get through this.”
“Sweetheart, I know that you are a strong, sometimes stubborn woman. I love everything about you. I will be right beside every step of the way but I need to know everything. There can be no more secrets.”
No more secrets. There’s so much that he needs to know, but I have no idea where to start.
My feelings for Ian are much deeper than they were last year. Granted they started as a schoolgirl crush that summer so many years ago. Ever since then they were always there just below the surface. The slightest scratch brought them out immediately.
“I saw you at your father’s funeral. I wanted so badly to comfort you but you were with your family and had a fiancé. I had some time that day to talk with your mother though. Daddy was devastated. Robert was one of his best friends. He knew the company and everything was good in your hands but he worried about the toll that the loss would take on your family. I tried to talk to you that day; I had no idea what I would say but I wanted to be by your side, though I knew I couldn’t, not in the way I truly wanted.” Ian looks at me cautiously, unsure of where I’m going with this conversation.
Then seeming to understand he speaks before I can continue. “I was at your father’s funeral as well. It brought back so many memories of him and my father and I knew the loss had to be crushing you and your mother. My mother was barely coherent; after the loss of my father, she never handled loss well. I told myself I needed to be strong for her. Losing him so suddenly, tragically. I had those same feelings for you. I watched you for hours; talking to people, trying to smile at the stories they would share. I wanted to wrap you in my arms and take all your pain away. Then another man, Dean, did what I’d wanted to do. He walked up behind you and wrapped his arms around you. You crumbled into him. I saw him scoop you up and carry you up the stairs.” He blinks back the pain that comes with the memory. “I wish I knew then how he treated you. I know we didn’t know each other but I would have fought for you even then.”
“I looked for you at Daddy’s funeral but never saw you. I did talk with your mother and she was a great comfort. I should have known I couldn’t hide who I was from her. She is the mother I always wish I had. As you know my mother and I, well, we don’t get along to put it mildly. She wishes I never existed so I stay away and don’t exist. If it wasn’t for Dean, I could have left and no one would have ever come looking for me. I could have escaped the pain but…” I let my voice trail off because we both know that Dean’s definitely around and he isn’t finished with me yet.