“Haley, if I confronted him, I’m afraid I would kill him.”
She shook her head. “No. No, you wouldn’t. You’re not that kind of person.”
“I beat the living hell out of him that night.”
“But you didn’t kill him.”
“Only because someone pulled me away.”
“And I’ll be that person this time. Well, me and the prison guards.”
“I don’t really know what I’m supposed to say, here,” I murmured. “This is a lot to take in.”
“Just say you’ll consider it,” she said. “I realize that I kind of sprung this on you, but I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t think it might help.”
“It was thoughtful,” I allowed. It was a lot of things, though, reallyinvasive, shocking, strange, worrisome but I recognized that she was doing what she thought would benefit me.
“And if you decide that you want to do it after all, just let me know,” she said, patting me gently on the shoulder. “You’re already registered as a visitor for Rob Shepard at the prison.”
My jaw fell open. “What?”
The gentle patting stopped, Haley’s hand poised in the air. “What? I’m registered, too, so I can go with you if you decide you want to go. I don’t have to go, of course. Not if you don’t want me there. Chuck?”
I was still staring at her, mouth agape, unsure of what to say to this new revelation.
“I fucked up. I’m sorry. This was a bad idea.” Haley was babbling, upset, and I was torn between putting her at ease and telling her exactly how I felt about this.
“I guess I don’t know how I feel about Rob Shepard knowing that I’ve requested to visit him,” I said. “Well, I know how I feel. I don’t like it.”
“I’m sorry. I thought I was helping and I clearly wasn’t. I overstepped.”
“You were doing something you thought was right,” I said. “It’s okay. I just don’t know that I’m ready for this. To see Rob Shepard again would be really hard. It might do more harm than good.”
“I absolutely understand. I’m really sorry.”
I still had a portion of my burger left and a number of fries, but I’d lost my appetite.
“I think I’ll head out.” I stood up from the couch a little bit too abruptly, and Haley bit her lip.
“Because of what I did?” she asked.
“Just because I’m a little tired.”
“You don’t have to lie to me, Chuck.”
“I guess I’m somewhat shocked.”
“It was a bad idea.”
“Just a…kind of a nasty surprise, sweetheart, but I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”
“All right.”
Not even the wind I generated rocketing down the road to my place could exorcise my dismay. Why in the hell would Haley think this could be a good idea? I had zero desire to talk to Rob Shepard, whether it was for my own peace of mind or some form of closure or whatever. The fact that Haley had even suggested it, let alone set up the visitation, positively blew my mind.
I couldn’t go home. I turned around at the entrance to my street and drove aimlessly until I realized I was headed toward the bar.
With Haley off for the night, Ace was managing both the bar and tables that were full of patrons. Brody was filling in here and there, where it looked like Ace was spread a little thin, even as the binders and clipboards spread over the bar meant he had originally been focusing on inventory and orders and his pet projects to indoctrinate the bar’s patrons to make them love craft beer. It was busy for a weeknight, but when there was nothing else to do in a small town, Rio Seco’s only bar was more of a meeting place than a place to get drunk. People drifted in almost naturally, as if there was actually a town hall meeting arranged.
“Didn’t expect to see you here tonight,” Jack called, waving to me from the club booth across the bar. “Haley’s not working.”
“I know,” I said. “Just felt in the mood for a beer.”
“Take one of mine,” he said, pointing to a cold one sticking out of the bucket he was working on.
“You drinking all by yourself?” I asked. “Where’s Sloan?”
“He’s feeling under the weather,” Jack said, clinking the neck of his bottle against mine. “And I’m not drinking alone. You’re here.”
“I am here.” I watched Brody and Ace rush around for a few moments. “You know, I don’t think Haley is busy, if you want to call her in. This crowd is kind of unexpected, isn’t it?”
“They’re doing fine,” Jack said, waving his hand dismissively. “Haley can’t come in all the time. When would the two of you lovebirds have a chance to hang out?”
I really wasn’t up to talking about Haley right now. “What about you? Don’t you ever get the urge to help at least bus the tables?”
“I own the place,” he laughed. “I don’t work here. Everything’s fine. Really. People who nab a table don’t care if there are a few bottles and glasses from the previous party. The guys will get around to it.”
“I could bus the tables, if you thought they needed a little help catching up.”
“Chuck. Don’t bus the tables. I’m not going to pay you if you do, so just put it from your mind.”
“I wasn’t asking to get paid. I was offering to help out.”
“You’re helping me out just by hanging out here,” he said, folding the newspaper that had been spread out in front of him, and rolling a pen to the side. It was awfully late in the day to be reading the paper, which came out in the morning, but I knew he was sketching, blacking out words, basically wasting time and entertaining himself. I’d seen him do it before. He’d gotten a nice windfall of cash after the explosion enough to set him up to start over again. When he’d created the Horizon MC Bar, he’d struck gold. Just by owning the place, he didn’t have to work at all if he didn’t want to.
Personally, I’d go crazy if I didn’t have something to occupy my time. Idleness didn’t seem to faze Jack very much. I’d never so much as seen him behind the bar here before.
“So, what are you up to tonight?” he asked me. “I thought you and Haley would’ve surely been canoodling or something.”
“You’re going against the club vote.”
“What club vote?”
“That you wouldn’t ask me about my sex life.”
“Canoodling isn’t sex. It’s romancing. Making out, and shit.”
“How’s the old bike running?” I asked, running a deflection.
“You mean the new old bike?” He grinned. “We should all go on a ride this weekend, and I’ll show you. That son of a bitch can really open up. I’m telling everyone I know well, that’s not as magnificent as it sounds, since you know how I am. But every time I take it anywhere, I get compliments, and you get a shout-out.”
“That’s nice of you.”
“It is. But you didn’t come here to talk about the bike.” He gave me a meaningful stare as he drained the rest of the beer from his bottle, overturned it in the bucket of ice, and drew out a new one.
I did not want to talk about Haley. God help me, I was not going to do it to her. As much as I loved the Horizon guys, they were a bunch of gossips. I wasn’t about to vent about her misstep and have her hear about it the next time she came in for work. But I had to vent about something. I was so confused about everything, and maybe if I could understand where she might be coming from, I could try and bounce back from the terrible surprise she’d given me.
“Hey Jack?”
“What’s up, Chuck?” He smiled at me, a little smug that he was apparently going to get me to dish, but I ignored it.
“If you had a chance to talk to the guys who caused the explosion that robbed you of your memories, would you?”
He let out a breath of air, looked probably about as shocked as I had been when Haley suggested that I go have a sit-down with the man who killed my sister.
“That’s a hell of a thing to ponder,” he began, “but it’s not sound, l
ogistically speaking.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, there’d be no way of me knowing who did it, you know? I don’t remember anything before the explosion. I wouldn’t be able to pick someone out of a police lineup. Besides, that battle was pretty crazy. I doubt he survived it.”
“Yeah, but let’s just sayfor the sake of the premise that someone came forward, said he was responsible for the explosion, and you had an opportunity to see him, to speak with him. Would you take it?”
“I don’t know, Chuck. I don’t know what purpose it would serve.”
“Maybe you get some things off your chest,” I said. “I know it makes you angry that you don’t have any memories prior to waking up in that hospital.” This was treading into personal territory, and I knew I had to be careful not to offend him. I just wasn’t sure who else to ask in this situation.
“Lost is a better description than angry, but sure, okay, I get where you’re going. Maybe I have a bone to pick with this guy.”
“So, given the opportunity, you’d talk with the guy. Figure some shit out. Get some closure.”
“I guess.” He leaned back in the booth, contemplating this. “Though I don’t know what I’d expect if I asked him ‘why’d you do it?’ Seems a little trite. Why does anyone do anything?”
And that was the real problem Jack had hit the nail on the head. What did I really expect I would get out of talking with the man who had killed my sister? What would I even ask him? Why he killed Chelsea? If he was sorry for it? Why had he even accepted Haley’s request to put us on his visitation list? Was it just something to help break up the monotony of his long sentence? A chance to be entertained?
“So what’s this really about, Chuck?” Jack asked. “I know you didn’t just walk in here to ask me about my memory loss.”
There wasn’t any reason not to disclose this to Jack. He knew my sister had been murdered. I could get clearer advice and still leave Haley out of the equation.
“I have the chance to talk to the man who killed my sister,” I said. “I’m trying to decide if I should do it or not.”
In that moment, I loved Jack like a brother, because he didn’t so much as bat an eyelash. “What’s in it for you?”
“I don’t know. Closure, maybe. Revenge, if I’m quick. Some way to understand and move on with my life.”
“What’s the best thing that could happen, should you go talk to this asshole?”
“I’d snap his neck and nobody would do anything about it.”
“Okay, what’s the most realistic best thing that could happen?”
I shrugged, striving to be casual. “I could hate him less. Spend my time and energy on happier things. Not feel like I’m suffocating every time I think of my sister. Be a better version of myself.”
“Those are all noble pursuits.” Jack took a long pull of his beer, considering this. “So what’s the worst thing that could happen? What’s keeping you from doing it?”
The main reason, really, was that Haley had sprung it on me so suddenly, but I wasn’t going to throw her under the bus on this.
“I don’t want it to be a waste of time,” I said. “I don’t want this guy to feel like he’s winning at something, to get pleasure out of me being there, seeing me. I don’t want to walk out of that prison after the meeting feeling worse than I already do.”
“Chuck, I have to be honest with you on something,” Jack said. “That morning when we were supposed to go out on a ride, and we found you in such bad shape we were all worried about you.”
I hung my head, feeling like shit. “I’m sorry about that.”
“There’s nothing to be sorry about. You were grieving, and we were ignorant to that. What I’m saying is that I think you should go for it.”
“Go for it?”
“Go talk to this asshole. See what he has to say. Say whatever you want to say. Whatever you think makes sense to you, once you’re there. Because I don’t think it could get any worse than the way we all saw you that morning, drunk and helpless.”
God, I felt so embarrassed about the whole thing. “I didn’t mean to make you all worry.”
“You’re one of us, Chuck. We all worry about each other from time to time. I’m worried about Sloan right now.”
“Because he’s sick?” I frowned. “What’s he sick with?”
“The shits, and we had lunch together. Okay, so mainly I’m worried that I’m going to get the shits, now, too.”
I burst into startled laughter. “Man, and I’m sharing a bucket of beer with you? What the hell, Jack? You can’t give a guy fair warning?”
“Hey, it’s not like I’ve been wrapping my tongue around the necks of the bottles,” he said. “Besides, I think I’m good. It’s been more than eight hours since lunch. I think I dodged the bullet on that.”
“Well, I’m happy to hear it.”
“I’m trying to tell you, though, that if there’s a reasonable chance for you to get some kind of peace from talking with the asshole, you should go for it. If the worst does happen, that’s what friends are for. We’ll be here for you no matter what goes down.”
And that’s how I wound up back at Haley’s place, knocking on the front door.
“I didn’t expect to see you again tonight,” she said, looking at me sleepily, her hair adorably mussed. “Is everything okay?”
“Did I wake you up?” I asked her, planting a soft kiss on her forehead. “I’m sorry.”
“I just laid down for a minute. Were you at the bar? You smell like the bar.”
“I just stopped by there for a little while. Got a little perspective. Some clarity.”
“Drank some clarity, sounds like.” She rubbed her eyes and smiled at me. “Don’t just stand there, honey. Come in and spoon me or something.”
“Haley, I wanted to apologize.”
“No apology necessary.” She closed the door behind me and took me by the hand, leading me to her room. “I put the rest of your dinner in the fridge. It’ll probably keep just fine, especially if you want to heat it up in the oven. Fries get less soggy that way.”
“Sweetheart, earlier tonight, I was weird. I just wanted to explain.”
“Explain it to me lying down,” she said, flopping down in bed. “I’m tired.”
I toed off my boots and switched off the lights before joining her, drawing her back against my chest, smelling her hair. She didn’t wear perfume, but she always smelled clean. It was like a personal scent, and one that always brought me comfort.
“I was really surprised by your proposal because I’d never even considered the possibility of talking to Rob Shepard,” I said. “I wasn’t mad at you, though it probably seemed that way. And the more I thought about it tonight, the more I knew I wanted to do it. I want to talk him, to see what he has to say. To say…I don’t know. Something. So will you go ahead and make the appointment?”
All Haley replied with was a soft snore, and I had to chuckle.
“Sweetheart?” She was fast asleep I’d probably woken her out of a deep slumber by just showing back up here without even calling. But then she smacked her lips a couple of times and rolled over to face me.
“Love you,” she mumbled, and in the next breath, was snoring again.
“I love you, too,” I said, kissing her hair.
In the days leading up to the meeting, I tried several times to come up with something to say to the man who killed Chelsea. What was there really to say, though? I practiced impassioned speeches in my head as I worked on engines and body work at the shop. Ran through my list of curse words, picking out choice ones I could fire at Rob Shepard. Considered the impact of not saying a damn thing throughout the entire time we had, just staring coldly at him, making him sweat.
When it came down to it, though, I realized I had no idea what I was supposed to say when faced with the man who had, in significant ways, reshaped the course of my life by ripping away the person I loved the most. I just hated that I
’d come to that understanding when I was standing outside the visitors’ entrance to the prison, Haley at my side.
“You don’t have to do this, if you’re nervous,” she said, shifting her weight from foot to foot as I lingered in front of the entrance. “We can go back home to Rio Seco.”
“We came all this way,” I said, “made all this effort. I’m going to see him. I’m going to talk to that bastard.”
“It was a nice ride out here, and I’m sure it’ll be a nice one back,” she said, playing devil’s advocate, showing me the emergency exit, should I choose to take it. Even if she had been the one to suggest all of this in the first place. “If we take our time, we could even catch the sunset. It’ll probably be a good one, as clear as the sky is.”
“I’m going in there.” And yet I still stood rooted in place, unable to make a move even though I’d said I was going to.
“Chuck, if you don’t go in, no one’s going to hold it against you,” she said quietly. “Least of all me. Let’s give it another week hell, another month. You can mull things over. Come back when you’re ready. This has all been moving really fast.”
“I won’t be able to forgive myself if I don’t go in now, today,” I said grimly. “If I don’t do this right now, I don’t know if I’ll have the courage to try again. I will regret it.”
“Do whatever you think is right, honey.”
The interior of the prison even just the visitors’ area was unpleasant enough that I did my best to treat it like a deterrent for any acts of violence against my sister’s killer. This was the last place I wanted to end up, away from the big sky and open road. Away from the rest of the guys, the work I loved to do. Away from Haley, too.
I was already better than Rob Shepard. In a better place. With good people and love surrounding me. I just had to remember that. I was walking in here with the moral and physical upper hand. And if it helped me immeasurably when Haley wove her fingers through mine and squeezed; that was just another advantage.
“Wait here, please,” a guard instructed us, pointing at a flimsy-looking plastic table and a group of what could’ve easily passed as lawn chairs. It was probably pretty hard to hurt someone with a table and chairs that looked like they might break if you sat down too hard in them, so that was strategically sound.
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