“It made you leave home, didn’t it?”
“Just opened me up to a new take on the world, I think. I wouldn’t have met any of the other guys in the club, if I hadn’t come out to New Mexico, and they’re my best friends.”
“You would’ve found other friends.”
“I don’t know. Maybe. Probably, even. But I wouldn’t have learned how much I loved riding motorcycles, or the desert wind in my hair, or the way the sun paints the mountains different colors depending on what time of day it was, or even wayward women who wander out in the middle of deserted highways in the dead of night, with a death wish, looking for a ride into town.”
“Well, aren’t you a philosopher?”
“Would it be so hard to believe that every single moment or choice in life all led you to the place where you’re supposed to be, and the time you’re supposed to be there?”
“What, like you and me on that fabled dark, desert highway?”
“Cool wind in my hair,” I sang back to her, laughing.
“Okay, so I’ve got a philosopher, a romantic sap, and an Eagles fan on my hands?”
“You’re the one who started with those lyrics.”
Nadine almost looked like she was about to smile, but then some other emotion won out, instead. Her teeth worried a little at her bottom lip. “So you believe in fate, or whatever.”
“I don’t know. Maybe. Do I?”
“I’m not the one who’s supposed to tell you what you believe in, Brody. You described a bunch of things, though, that sounded an awful lot like you believe in fate like the universe has plans for you. That everything is predetermined.”
“I’m just a beer lover. Not a philosopher.”
“Well, I don’t believe in fate.” Nadine pushed herself up to a sitting position, put the camera on the bedside table. “Too much suffering happens in this world for there to be any kind of plan for everyone.”
“Now that you put it like”
“In fact, I think people who do believe in fate are out-of-touch, insensitive pricks.”
I blinked at the sudden vehemence. “Okay. I don’t want to be one of those pricks. Can we go back to me being something different?”
“You believe in whatever you believe in,” she said. “And if it works for you, it’s fine. I’m just here to tell you that it doesn’t work for me.”
She made a move to swing her legs over the side of the bed, but I stopped her, a hand on her thigh. “Nadine, if any of this offended you, I really didn’t mean for it to.”
She wavered at that. “Don’t worry about it. I’m just going to the bathroom.”
“I don’t believe in fate.”
“You don’t know what you believe in.” She laughed, but it was humorless. “Don’t let me tell you what to believe in.”
“Is it okay if I believe in beautiful things happening for reasons we might not realize at the moment, and shitty things happening just because?”
“Whatever you want, Brody.” She smiled indulgently. “Bathroom time. Now.”
I reluctantly let her go, watched her pick her way gingerly across the clothes on the floor to get to the background. The way she shut the door sounded strangely final, and I didn’t like it, following her footsteps until I stood in front of the bathroom, shifting my weight from foot to foot. I wanted to apologize, wanted to talk about what it was okay and not okay to believe in, wanted to figure out what I’d done to make Nadine hate me. She didn’t emerge from the bathroom, not even after five minutes, and I needed to know she was okay in there. I felt like a pervert, but I rested my ear on the door all the same. There wasn’t a sound coming from within. No flushing toilet, no running sink.
I knocked on the door gently.
“Are we having a fight?” I studied the closed door like it might give me some answers, studied the band of light at the bottom of it.
“Can we not talk while I’m in here?” Her voice was muffled, like she was covering her face with her hands, and I hated that.
“Sorry.” I sank to the ground, put my back against the door, studied the rumpled sheets on my bed. “It just kind of felt like we were having a fight.”
“Brody, I shut the door because I wanted privacy. You’re not helping.”
“Okay. Sorry.”
Where had we gone wrong? Was it that whole discussion on fate? I wished I’d never opened my mouth. Then we could’ve avoided all of this, whatever it was. It felt messy, and like things were spiraling out of control. It felt like I’d genuinely fucked up, and I hated that feeling, especially when I wasn’t really sure where the fuck-up happened.
She left after the discussion of fate. She said people who believed in it were out of touch. That nothing bad had ever happened to them.
I inhaled sharply. Something bad had happened to Nadine. As much as it hurt to think about, something bad had to have happened to her to get this kind of reaction to our discussion. And if I had just been there, swinging my dick around, telling her that everything happened for a reason, I was part of the problem. She was right to be mad at me. It had been insensitive, even if plenty of bad things had happened to me throughout the course of my life and my time in the Marines. It wasn’t all peaches and puppy dogs. I wasn’t naive, and I’d probably sounded like that to Nadine. I chalked it up to being with her making everything come up roses.
But what could’ve happened to her?
We hadn’t known each other for very long, but I was under the distinct impression that Nadine had led a charmed life. She did whatever she wanted to do, traveled, let the wind determine where she would end up next. It was a romantic way of living, never having any roots, exploring places as she saw fit. Her photos were a testament to just how much beauty she recognized in the world, and she simply didn’t strike me as someone who had been hurt so badly that she was still embittered about the state of the world or the fairness of life.
The door opened behind me and I fell backward, taken unawares, as Nadine looked down at me and shook her head.
“You are the worst,” she said.
“I was giving you your privacy.”
“You were practically listening at the door.” She stepped over me and to the dresser, where she pulled out some clothes.
“What are you doing?”
“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m getting dressed.”
“But for what?”
“I’m going to pick up a shift at the bar.”
“Tonight? I thought we were going to hang out.”
“Haley texted me.” Nadine wouldn’t meet my eyes, buttoning up her jeans. “She said she’s been feeling a little burned out lately, and wanted to spend some quality time with Chuck.”
Tonight was supposed to be quality time between Nadine and me, but I kept my mouth shut. No need to make whatever was going on worse than it was.
“If you don’t want to be here, you don’t have to be,” I said instead like that was any better. “I mean, I could leave, if you wanted me to. If you didn’t want to see my face.”
“I’m going to the bar.”
“Can I come?”
“You’re not working tonight.”
“Technically, I’m always working.”
“You got tonight off.”
“So did you.”
“Dammit, Brody!” Nadine launched the shoe she’d been yanking onto her foot across the bedroom, where it hit the wall. “Why are you picking on me?”
“I just want to apologize.”
“You don’t have anything to apologize for.”
“Then why does it feel like I do?”
Nadine expelled a sharp breath and pounded over to retrieve her shoe. “All I want to do is have a little time to myself, okay? That’s all. Is that okay with you? A little time apart?”
“Yes, of course,” I said quickly. “That’s all you had to say. I’ll stay here.”
“Thank you.”
She grabbed her purse and left like the room was on fire, slamming the
front door behind her as she went. I didn’t believe her for a second that I hadn’t done anything wrong. I just wish she could’ve told me how to make it up to her.
I sat on the floor for a few minutes longer before pushing myself up, grunting with the effort. I was getting old. My joints were creaking in ways they’d never done before, and I knew it wasn’t because I weighed that much more than my time in the Marines. My body might’ve gotten a little softer now that I wasn’t constantly honing myself to be a weapon for my country, but I wasn’t out of shape. I was just getting older. One of those inevitable things.
Like pissing off your girlfriend. Or whatever Nadine was to me.
I turned on her camera, scrolled back through the photos of my face she’d been taking. What was it she saw in me? I didn’t think I was very special, and it seemed like Nadine was finally waking up to that fact, too.
“Dumbass,” I muttered at my own photo, my face looking lovesick, in the middle of laughing at something Nadine was saying. I turned the camera off and set it back down on the bedside table.
Chapter 4
Nadine didn’t come home that night.
I sent a couple of cautiously worded texts, asking her if she was all right, but the thumb’s-up emojis she sent in return did little to reassure me. I hoped she’d stopped by Haley’s after the bar closed, or that one of the other guys had offered to shelter her for the night after it became clear she wasn’t coming home to me, but I didn’t want to contact anyone, or worry them.
I had more than enough worry inside of me for everyone involved.
When I’d offered my home for her to stay in, I hadn’t anticipated it being anything near permanent. We’d agreed that it would be temporary, for as long as Nadine needed it. She wasn’t planning on staying in Rio Seco. She was just there to get her bearings, a stopping place between two other, much more important destinations.
It was my own damn fault that we’d started sleeping together, that I wished for something a little less temporary. Nadine was like no one I had ever met before. She made me open my eyes to the world in new ways, discovering new things.
Even if it was better that this distance between us was helping to ease us apart, I didn’t want to let her go. I had started subconsciously crafting speeches trying to get her to stay in Rio Seco. I understood if she needed to travel elsewhere for her photography work, but this town was as good as any to set up a home base. She could go wherever she wanted to, and then return to Rio Seco. Return to me.
But when I saw her at the bar for the first time after that strange night talking about fate, Nadine chatting up one of the regulars, twirling her hair on a finger, it became clear that something had changed between us.
She didn’t so much as give me a passing glance. I was invisible to her.
At first, I thought Nadine was doing it for the tips. I figured she must’ve readjusted her financial goals and decided to go hard for some more cash. I understood. Haley didn’t flirt so much as that was just her regular personality, coming in with a smile and a wink, making the patrons feel good. There was no shame in that game. When people felt good, like they belonged, or like they were liked, they tipped better. That was a simple fact.
I watched Nadine work from a distance. There was the smile, and the wink. But there was also the laughing too hard and too long at the jokes, the squeezes on shoulders, long, lingering touches on backs. When tables of patrons started inviting her to sit down, she accepted the invitation, throwing back shots they bought her in what I could only surmise were attempts to loosen her inhibitions a little more, to make her theirs.
That wasn’t my jealousy rearing its ugly head. It wasn’t.
But since we were the only establishment in town and had a reputation to uphold, I felt compelled to intervene.
“What do you think you’re doing?” I asked Nadine, cornering her in the hallway to my office as she came back with a stack of cocktail napkins.
“Refilling the napkins at the bar,” she said, holding the stack like it should’ve been obvious. “We’re out.”
“I don’t mean about that,” I hissed, snatching the napkins from her. “I mean about everything. What is wrong with you?”
And, wow, if they were handing out awards for the stupidest thing to say at the worst moment, I would’ve raked in all of them.
“What’s wrong with me?” she demanded, face darkening with rage as she yanked the napkins back, a few of them fluttering to the floor. “What’s wrong with you? There’s nothing wrong with me. You’re the one who’s making a scene.”
I looked over my shoulder, but we were deep enough in the hallway to not be visible to anyone out in the bar. “Why are you acting like this?”
“Acting like what?”
I gestured toward the rest of the bar. “You’re flirting with everything with a pulse. Men. Women. It doesn’t matter. Ugly ones. Hot ones. You’re flirting with them.”
“Does that make you feel insecure?”
Yes, I wanted to howl, but I bit back on that impulse. “I just don’t understand why you’re doing it.”
“I didn’t really take you to be the jealous type, Brody.”
“I’m not.” I really didn’t want to be. “I’m only concerned because you’ve never acted like this before. I wanted to know if you were doing this because of what happened the other night.”
“What other night?” She was being deliberately obtuse. She had to know what night I was talking about.
“You know. The one where you went to pick up a shift here at the bar and didn’t come back home.”
“Oh.” She shrugged. “I don’t remember having any sort of a discussion with you about being exclusive.”
I gaped at her. “You’re looking to hook up with someone?”
“I take whatever comes my way, if I want it.” Nadine smiled prettily at me. It was almost sly. “Why do you think I was with you? We just clicked for a minute. That’s all.”
“Where did you go the other night? Who were you with?” I didn’t care if I didn’t have a right to know. I had to know. I needed to.
“Don’t worry about it. I’m not.”
“This is… Why are you being infuriating? Just tell me what I did wrong so I can fix it.”
“Fix it?” Nadine propped her fists up on her hips and started to add something to that, then seemed to think better of it. “How about you just don’t worry about it?”
“Could you just help me understand” But Nadine shouldered her way around me and back out to the main bar area, napkins bristling in her clenched hand. The momentif it had been a moment was lost, and I was more confused than ever. If Nadine didn’t want to be with me anymore, then she could’ve just said something. It just seemed now like she was rubbing all of this in my face, like I was a bad dog that needed to learn its lesson. It was hard to get through the rest of my shift at the bar, and I slipped out early, while Nadine and Haley were still helping Ace clean up the place.
I went home and looked at the state of things, wondering if I should try to squeeze all of Nadine’s belongings back into her backpack for her, when the front door flew open.
“You could’ve given me a ride home,” Nadine said, eyeing me balefully before stomping to the bathroom and shutting the door.
“I didn’t think you considered this home anymore,” I called after her. Was this the end of it? She’d returned. Maybe she just needed a day to show me what it could’ve been like, my life without her. A point to prove, or something. It was twisted, but effective. I hadn’t wanted to go on without her. I wanted things back to normal again. The wild, beautiful normal I’d come to associate with Nadine.
I found myself tiptoeing to the bathroom, where I could hear the shower running. “Nadine?”
“I’m taking a shower,” she called over the sound of the water.
“I…realize that. Can we talk?”
“Can it wait? I’ve had a long day.”
“I just…” It couldn’t wait, or I didn’t
think I could wait. “What’s happening right now?”
The shower curtain ruffled and Nadine stuck her dripping face out. “What are you talking about?”
I wanted to talk about why she was here, and what she was doing. Were things back to normal, or was she getting ready to leave? What was I going to have to do to make things right, or were they already on their way to an organic resolution?
“Are you angry with me?”
“I’m not angry with you.” She blinked at me for a couple more moments before ducking back behind the curtain. “Now, can I take my shower in peace?”
“Yeah, of course. Sorry.”
So she wasn’t angry with me, but something was still off. I waited in the living room until she was finished changing, then tried again.
“What you said earlier, about us not being exclusive”
“Oh, Brody, I was just trying to push your buttons,” she said dismissively. “I hate envy. It’s my biggest pet peeve. I hate men who think they own women, who believe it’s their right to dictate each and every single thing I do. It looked ugly on you, being jealous of the people I was giving attention to, and I called you out on it.”
“You said a lot of things.”
“So did you.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I guess I was just confused about you flirting with people. I thought you and I were…kind of a thing.”
“Do you want to be a thing?”
“I… Yes.” Because I had feelings for her, and strong ones. Because I cared for her, wanted to protect her.
But Nadine sighed and shook her head. “You’re not going to like me.”
“I already like you. Unless you unzip your skin and someone else comes out, I don’t think anything’s going to change any time soon.”
“You said you didn’t like me flirting at the bar.”
“If you feel the need to flirt, I’m a modern guy.” I tried to muster a smile. “Don’t you feel something between us, though, Nadine? Am I the only one of us feeling that?”
“Feeling what?” she asked, then shuddered as I slipped my hand down her bare arm.
“That,” I whispered. “This.” My fingers trailed across her jaw line, next, and she tilted her head at just the perfect angle for me to give her the softest, sweetest kiss I’d shared in my life.
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