“Not really,” Haley said. “But I can just tell, you know?”
“No, I don’t know. I can’t even tell what’s going on between us, and I’m one half of this relationship or whatever it is. I live and work with her, for God’s sake.”
“But you’ve been avoiding her.”
“Because she’s been flirting with everything that moves.”
Haley didn’t dispute that fact. Everyone had noticed it. “Maybe she’s trying to get your attention.”
“I’ve tried to talk to her about the way everything is going, but she just shuts me down,” I said. “She has my attention. Even when I’m doing my best to ignore her, I’m watching her every move. I wish I wasn’t, but I can’t help it.”
“She watches you, too, you know,” Haley said. “But only when you aren’t looking.”
“You’ve seen it?”
“I’ve noticed it, sure.”
“Why is everything so fucked up?” I asked myself more than Haley. “What could Nadine be playing at with all of this?”
“I’m thinking that’s a question only she can answer.”
“I know that,” I admitted. “I just don’t know how to do it.”
“Just have a conversation,” Haley urged. “Even if things are messed up right now, I know that the two of you care for each other. Don’t let this thing go without hashing it out.”
“You should charge for this relationship advice, you know.”
She smiled. “I’ll charge if it works out. If it doesn’t, we’ll call this pro bono work. All of us want to see you happy, Brody.”
“Well, thanks,” I said, feeling a little awkward. “I would, you know, also like to be happy. At some point.”
“With Nadine,” Haley prompted.
“Ideally, yeah.” Because we had been happy together, once or twice, before everything had fallen apart again. Because I’d felt a connection I couldn’t deny, and I was sure it had been there for Nadine, too. Because we really would be fools if we let ourselves tear each other apart without at least trying to do something about it. We had so much to lose.
“Then go talk to her,” Haley urged. “If you don’t, it’s just going to get worse.”
“I guess it can’t really get any worse if we have this discussion,” I mused. It’ll at least give us some closure, if that’s what it comes down to.”
“You deserve answers,” Haley said. “Or closure. Or a way forward. Both of you are good people. If you’re meant to be together, you’ll find a way.”
I left the bar with even more resolve than before, cheered by Haley’s pep talk. My fortitude faltered a little, though, pulling into the driveway and parking the motorcycle. Now Nadine knew I was home, and she was probably putting on her armor and readying her weapons as I shuffled to the front door.
The living room and kitchen were empty, though, except for what looked like the remains of dinner marinating in a sink of soapy water. Well, that was some progress. Usually she left whatever plates she used wherever she put them down. She’d even tried to cajole me into getting paper plates once when all my dinnerware was dirty from her use. She was ridiculous in that way, but it was a quirk I could’ve looked past if only I was certain of her feelings for me. Right now, though, I was certain of nothing.
I steeled myself before knocking on the bedroom door. Haley had been right. This needed a resolution. It was the only way. Nadine and I were two grown adults who had strong feelings for each other. Whether those feelings leaned closer to hatred or to love remained to be seen. But I couldn’t keep living like this. It was time to finally settle the score, and to accept whatever outcome might happen.
“Hey, we need to”
Whatever words I’d been spitting out of my mouth died when the bedroom door swung open. It wasn’t Haley who answered. It was a fully naked man, fresh out of the shower, one of my towels wrapped around his waist, hiding his junk. I could just make out Nadine sprawled out in the bed behind the guy, asleep, wearing, if I wasn’t mistaken, my boxers and one of my old ratty beer T-shirts. Wow. The balls on her. She’d fucked a guy in my bedroom and still decided it was okay to wear my clothes to sleep it off afterward.
The guy was good looking, at least, and probably from out of town. That was a plus. I really didn’t need it getting around at the bar that Nadine would sleep with anyone. He was black, and obviously worked out if his abs were anything to go by. I found myself subconsciously sucking my own stomach in, wondering if she would’ve stuck with me a little harder if I’d sported more than the faint outline of an outdated six-pack on my gut. These were hard things to consider, though. Especially when I was faced with the thing I hadn’t known I’d been fearing the most irrefutable proof that Nadine wanted nothing more to do with me.
“You must be Brody.” The guy managed to keep the towel swathed around his hips while sticking out a slightly damp hand. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”
I stared at him, completely floored. Was this guy serious right now? I’d just busted in on him naked with Nadine, in my own goddamn house. Was he really doing this? What had she told him about me? Maybe that we were just roommates, completely platonic. I wished I would’ve gotten that memo. It would’ve made all of this a whole lot easier to stomach. I was still under the impressionor maybe just the stupid hope that Nadine and I had something. It was rocky right now, whatever it was, but there were still feelings there. If there weren’t, she would’ve moved on, eager to put me firmly in her rearview mirror.
“I mean, it’d be a hell of a thing if you weren’t Brody,” the guy said, cracking a grin. He wasn’t just good-looking. He was downright handsome. Of course Nadine would go for someone like him instead of someone like me. She was probably only using me until she got a sure thing somewhere else. Maybe that was how she moved around the world, using men she met along the way.
“Did you hear me? Are you okay?”
The guy reached out, probably to give me a good shake, since I hadn’t responded to anything he’d been saying, and I recoiled, taking several stumbling steps backward.
“Fuck this,” I said, throwing my hands up in the air.
“Brody” I saw Nadine stirring on the bed behind him, and I just couldn’t do this. I couldn’t. Nobody could make me endure this.
“I’m out.” I turned, grabbing my keys and my helmet, and walked out of my own house, unable to cope with being there a single second more.
Chapter 6
Home wasn’t home anymore. That much was clear to me. All I had were the clothes on my back and my bike, and that was going to have to be enough. I rode for a long time, that first night. I knew the rest of the guys expected me at the bar, especially from the texts I was getting, based on the chimes of my phone I could only barely hear over the passing wind, but I just couldn’t do it. Haley would be there, curious about how everything had gone between Nadine and me, and I wasn’t willing to face that conversation. She had been so sure that talking would solve everything, but the situation had completely fallen apart. Even as the wind burned my eyes, I could still see Nadine sprawled out over my bed, relaxed, probably, in post-coital bliss, the man she’d been with freshly showered after whatever debauchery they’d done. I’d have to burn my sheets no, my mattress. Maybe just my entire house. The town. The desert. The mountains. Everything Nadine and I had shared. My bike, too, if it would rid me of the ghost feeling of her arms around me as we rocketed down the highway.
Okay, fine. I knew I was being overdramatic. I stopped the motorcycle and turned it around, regarding the lights on the horizon. I was too far out to see the weak glittering of Rio Seco, but I knew where it was, just beyond the towns I could see. It was so dark out here, though, that the stars in the sky were brighter than the lights here on Earth. I had to wonder whether that meant anything, me feeling closer to the stars than anything else on this planet.
It probably meant that I was feeling pretty damn isolated. Lonely, too, which was pathetic.
How
had everything gone so wrong? Sure, what Nadine and I had was unconventional, but only because we were unconventional. There hadn’t been the traditional wooing and dating and all that. Our attraction had been swift, strong, and mutual, until it wasn’t. Until I’d fucked up or she’d decided none of this was worth it. I supposed the main thing was that I didn’t understand why she was being so cruel. I thought I’d been kind to her. She was staying in my house rent-free, of course. And, unless I was vastly mistaken, the passion that we’d shared was real. Cruelty was bringing another man into my house and sleeping with him in my bed. That was something I simply didn’t deserve. I couldn’t think of a single thing I’d done to merit the punishment of her bringing another man into the house.
I was forced to recall those troubling words she’d uttered to me all those weeks ago. “It’s not you. It’s me.” What that did that mean in relation to this particular situation? That I shouldn’t worry about how I’d brought this upon me? That all of it was at Nadine’s discretion? It was even more difficult to accept that idea than the notion I’d somehow caused this through neglect or offense or something else I wasn’t picking up on yet.
Only one thing was clear to me there was no way I was going home.
By the time I made it back to town, it was late enough that there wasn’t anyone at the bar, and I let myself in, relieved that Jack wasn’t here doing some late-night, elicit drinking that I would have to confront him about. That shit was illegal, and it wasn’t worth the drama we’d get to make it go away.
Plus, I wouldn’t have to submit to an interrogation about what I was doing at the bar so late at night, after it had been locked up.
I only barely resisted breaking into the liquor stash behind the bar myself, and exiled myself to the office. It was comfortable enough, the only part of the entire bar that was carpeted, and I could always console myself with a couple of gift bottles of booze kept in the desk drawers.
The burn of the liquor did little to compete with the burn of betrayal I felt, but there wasn’t much else I could do to mitigate the pain except fall asleep and hope it felt better in the morning.
It didn’t, but I had other things to focus on. There was the practicality of setting up shop in the office for the foreseeable future. I ran to the drugstore and got a few essential toiletries, including a sponge, since I intended to just clean myself up in the bar bathroom outside of opening hours.
And that all seemed to work for nearly a week, me avoiding everyone, especially Nadine, since I knew when she was scheduled to work, until Jack caught me in the office early one morning.
“What are you doing here already?” he asked, surprised. “You’re early, right?”
“You’re early,” I said, looking up from a pile of papers I’d just strewn across the desk to make it look like I was in the middle of something. “There were some things I wanted to look into, so I came over. What in the world are you doing here?”
“No real reason,” Jack said, shrugging before he plopped down in the chair across from me. “Couldn’t sleep, thought a change of scenery might help.”
“You were coming to the bar to nap?”
“Basically. The booth is pretty comfortable for sleeping. You’ve never passed out cold in it, but Sloan can back me up on that.”
I gritted my teeth in frustration. I’d been camping out on the floor, which was a little too firm for a comfortable night’s sleep. I hadn’t even thought of the booth, though if I had, Jack would’ve caught me asleep there just now.
“So what’s going on?” Jack asked. “What are you looking over?”
“It’s nothing that important,” I said. “Maybe I couldn’t sleep, either.”
“Uh-huh. More trouble with Nadine?”
There was no point in hiding it. Everyone had to have noticed by now that I was avoiding her. “Something like that.”
“Sorry to hear that.”
“Thanks.”
“Want to talk about it?”
“Not really.” I wasn’t sure what talking would do. Talking hadn’t done me a lick of good so far.
“Can you believe next week is Thanksgiving already?”
I stared at Jack. “You’re shitting me.”
“I shit you not. November’s getting away from us. Hell, it’ll be winter before we know it.”
“We never went on our fall foliage ride,” I said, feeling a little sad. “Dammit.”
“There’s always next year, and wildflower season in the spring,” Jack consoled me. “Just between you and me, I prefer wildflowers.”
“We should start talking about the annual Thanksgiving party,” I said, still dazed that I’d lost so much calendar time worrying about Nadine.
“Haley’s volunteered to organize us,” Jack said. “Anybody but me.”
“One of these days, you’re going to step up and take charge of something,” I said. “We’ll all be really surprised when you do, but it’ll happen.”
“Um, excuse me? Maybe we should skip over Thanksgiving prep and go right into the next Horizon MC fundraiser.”
I winced. “What do you have in mind?”
“Toy drive for Christmas.”
“Oh, that’s not so bad.”
“Then I want us all to dress up like Santa Claus and deliver them around the county.”
“Dammit, Jack.”
“Something I’m taking charge of,” he said with a glimmer of mischief in his eyes. “But maybe we should really be talking about when we’re going to have your beer tasting night here at the bar.”
I stared at him. “Seriously?”
“Yeah, seriously. I’ve been thinking about it, and I want to do it. I think it’s a great way to promote you, the bar, and the club, all at the same time. Are you at a good point in your brewing for this? I was thinking sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas. If not, we could shoot for Christmas.”
“No, no,” I said, surprised and pleased. Finally, some good news in my life. “After Thanksgiving would be perfect. How many kegs do you think we’ll need?”
“I’ll leave that up to you you’re the beer expert, after all.”
“Well, thanks, Jack,” I said. “This really means a lot to me. I’m going to have a really good night. People are going to be entertained and impressed.” My first inclination was to quiz Nadine about all the various marketing tricks I could use to get people interested, since it was her photo editing skills that had gotten Jack leaning in my favor to begin with, but then I remembered why I was avoiding her. It plunged me even further into despair, knowing I wasn’t going to share this joy with her.
“I’m kind of tired,” he admitted after a long yawn.
“Please don’t tell me it was talking about my brew that did it.”
“No, no. It was staying up all night that did it.”
“Does this happen a lot?”
“Happens enough.” He stretched his arms and stood up, apparently done elucidating. “Would it bug you if I had a nap in the booth?”
It only bugged me that I hadn’t thought of doing it first. “I’ll just turn on some music if you snore too loud.”
A couple of days later, Haley was in full Thanksgiving mode at the bar, chasing people around with a pen and pad of paper, trying to get them to sign their names to commit to different responsibilities for the club celebration. One of the responsibilities was bartender duties, and she was chasing Ace around, begging him to do it.
“You’re already a bartender, so it’ll be easy,” she said. “And no one’s going to order anything complicated. You know these things are beer and straight liquor events.”
“I don’t want to be behind the bar all night,” he said. “Ask someone else. Anyone else. I want to actually enjoy myself.”
“You will enjoy yourself. You’re not going to be stuck making drinks all night.”
“That’s exactly what being bartender for the night means. You should just outlaw that position. We’ll make our own drinks.”
�
�That’s anarchy, pure and simple,” Haley argued, and I laughed. She was right. It would turn into a free-for-all at the end of the night. Better to give one person the power.
“Who else would even do it?” she asked herself, flipping a page on her pad. “I’ll rule Jack out of everything. He’s impossible. Sloan would be a terrible idea. I wouldn’t wish bartender on Amy, even if she’d probably do it just to be nice. Nadine oh, she’s young blood. Ace! I can tell Nadine to do it and it’s something every rookie does. Think she’ll buy that?”
“Worth a try,” Ace said. “What do you think, Brody?”
I’d frozen, realizing that I was going to have to spend Thanksgiving with Nadine even though I couldn’t stand to even be in the same place as her right now.
“Well, if you don’t think she’d be up for it, what are you and Nadine prepared to bring to share with everyone?” Haley asked, her pen poised on the pad of paper.
“You… I… What?”
Haley gave me a blank stare. “You’re standing right there. I’m sure you heard me.”
“I’m sure I misheard you.” I willed it to be true. I really didn’t think I could do Thanksgiving with Nadine. Either I was going to have to skip the event or she was. “You’re going over the guest list for Thanksgiving, aren’t you?”
“That’s right,” she said slowly. “And I was asking you, right now, if there was anything special you and Nadine were planning on bringing, or if you just want me to assign you something.”
“You just assumed Nadine and I were coming together?”
“Um, yes?”
“That’s a terrible assumption to make.”
She blinked at me. “I thought…what happened to everything we talked about?”
“It’s just not going to work between Nadine and me. That’s all you need to know.” Saying that fear aloud made it feel even more real, though I supposed I should’ve started getting used to it. It was my future, after all. I needed to accept it.
I didn’t expect Haley to look so devastated, or maybe I would’ve softened the blow caused by those careless words. I just couldn’t really help it. I was just as upset as she wasmore so, even that I couldn’t find what it would take to keep Nadine with me.
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