Or she’d think I was a stalker.
“What are you doing here?” I looked up and saw Cheyenne standing at the open door of her apartment, watching me. I’d been lost in thought, and mired in something akin to terror, and hadn’t noticed her come out.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “We really need to talk, and I thought it would be best if it was in person.”
“Uh-oh.” She gave me a tight smile. “One of those talks, huh?”
“Something that couldn’t be done over the phone.” She had no idea what I had in store for her – unless she did, and she was just using humor to get herself through the situation. It was tough to blame her. She’d been through so much already. And I was gearing up to put her through even more.
“You could’ve called. I could’ve come down to Rio Seco instead of you coming up here.” She looked at the motorcycle. “I don’t trust those things in the snow.”
“It’s fine if you take it slow. Have good tires.”
“I never liked you riding them.”
“You never cared if I rode them. You never liked Jack riding them.”
I hated the way she sagged in the doorway, but I had to tell her. I couldn’t keep this up in front of my friends, and I certainly wasn’t about to lie to Cheyenne about it.
“You’d better come inside, I guess,” she said, stepping into the house and leaving the door open for me. I followed a bit reluctantly. There was no use putting it off anymore. She had to know. I had to tell her. She had collapsed on a couch, and I shut the door behind me before pulling a recliner in front of her and sitting in it.
“You were right.”
Cheyenne’s eyelashes fluttered, but the rest of her face was placid. “Right about what?”
If I could do this with the rest of the guys, I could do it with her. It still felt different, though. Easier and more difficult at the same time, in unique ways, than confessing to the guys, revealing the person I had been. Sure, duping them all had been innocent, on my part, but it was somehow as if my subconscious had simply been carrying out the will of James Ryder, who had the perfect plan imperfectly executed.
“I’m not…the person you think I am.”
Her nostrils flared – almost imperceptibly, but it was there. A signal that she’d just gasped at that revelation, even if her face had remained neutral.
“I didn’t want to be right about that,” she said.
“I didn’t want you to be right, either. But you were. Somehow, you knew.”
“It was the tattoo.”
“I wish it was as easy as fixing that,” I said. “We could go back to the same tattoo parlor, get the same artist, watch her freak out when she notices your name isn’t in the eagle’s talons. Make her put it back.”
“So you’ve been lying to everyone this whole time about who you were,” Cheyenne said. It wasn’t a question. It was a casual remark, made as easily as an observation about the weather.
“No. Well, in a way.”
“Where’s the distinction?”
“I was, in that was James’s…my plan to deceive everyone. To become Jack.”
“And so how was it not you lying to everyone?”
“Because I didn’t remember the plan.”
“You…what?”
“The plan was in motion at the time of Jack’s death. But when I got injured in the explosion, I really did suffer brain trauma. Amnesia. Nothing before the blast. I didn’t even know my own name.”
“The amnesia was real?”
“Yes. If you want to check on that, I’d be more than happy to introduce you to a few dozen doctors. Let you page through my medical records.”
“That’s all right. I believe you.”
“You do?” I peered at her, uncertain. “Because you don’t have to. You really don’t. You shouldn’t, maybe.”
“Why not?”
“Because I had wanted to assume my cousin’s identity. I wanted to be Jack.” I paused for a moment to let that sink in. “I wanted to be him because his life was so much better than mine. That’s why I joined the Army. Why I got the tattoo.”
“Why you were Jack.”
“No. That’s where the path diverges a little.” I sighed. “It’s hard to explain, and probably harder, still, to understand, but being in the Army changed me. Maybe wanting to be Jack made me start down the path of pretending to be a better person, but when I was over there, doing actual good work, I wanted to be better all by myself. I wanted to seize control of my own life, not Jack’s. The ambush, the explosion, it ruined everything.”
“It was what you planned, though, right?”
“It was. But not what I wanted. Not then. Not ever. The plan had been because I was desperately unhappy. Because Jack had everything I’d ever wanted. A good relationship with his father. Good prospects. A bright future. You, even.”
She looked away, and it killed me all over again.
“What I’m trying to tell you, Cheyenne, is that I’m sorry. I truly thought I was Jack. I never would’ve tried to be with you otherwise.”
“Except that had been your plan.”
“You weren’t in my plan,” I said. “I didn’t know that Jack was planning on coming back to you. He didn’t talk a lot – well, he talked a lot, but you weren’t the subject very often.”
“He didn’t love me?”
“Of course he loved you.” I softened. “Who wouldn’t love you? You’re wonderful. If you’d have been mine, the rest of the guys would’ve beaten the hell out of me for talking about you so much. They wouldn’t have been able to get me to shut up.”
I realized what I’d said just as quickly as she did, and I clammed up. Was that too much? It would’ve been something I might’ve said a couple of weeks ago. Was it something I would say now?
“I know it seems weird,” I said. “But I…love you. I still love you. That didn’t get kicked out of my brain when all of the old memories came pouring back in. There’s still room for you in my life… In this weird, sad, strange life of mine. If you want to be in it with me.”
“Here’s the thing,” Cheyenne said. “And I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.”
“It doesn’t matter. Just say it. I’m listening.”
“I was in love with you. I fell in love with you.”
I gulped in a deep breath. “I understand. I know this is an impossible situation. You were in love with a person I was never going to be.”
“No, you don’t understand.”
“Cheyenne–”
“James, listen to me.” It was so strange, hearing my real name come out of her mouth. I’d heard it before, of course, back before the explosion. We’d known each other casually, and I’d had a terrible crush on her. But this was so different. An acknowledgement, even if the entire thing was so difficult it was hard to breathe. “I’m telling you that I loved Jack. I really did. But I loved you, too. When I thought you were Jack.”
“Because you thought I was Jack.”
“Yes and no. You were so different from how I remembered you. I realize that people change. It had been years since I’d seen you. I loved you before you were an Army Ranger, and I was determined to keep on loving you. But I fell in love with you, James. Don’t you see?”
I didn’t, but I couldn’t trust my voice. All I could do was shake my head.
“I fell in love with the person you were when we ran into each other at the bar there in Colorado,” she said. “Or if it wasn’t right there and then, it was the person I got to know in Rio Seco. Seeing you at ease with your friends, in the bar. What you were doing to help the town. You were different from the Jack I used to know, but that didn’t mean I loved you any less.”
“And now that you know I’m James?” I didn’t want to ask it, but it was a question that needed to be out there. I didn’t want either of us to fool ourselves. This was something that had to be addressed.
“Do you love me any less now that you have your memories back?” she countered.
>
“I don’t. I still love you. I just…love myself a lot less.”
Cheyenne heaved a sigh, then put her arms around me. “This is something we can work through. I’m saying if you want to work through it, this is something we can get past.”
“Just your run-of-the-mill case of mistaken identity,” I muttered, which made both of us laugh.
“See?” she countered, leaning back a little so she could look at me. “You can already laugh about it. We can. It’s going to be okay, James. I promise it will be.”
“You didn’t even used to like me,” I said, even if I didn’t take my arms from around her. I didn’t care that I was clinging. I just couldn’t trust that she wouldn’t slip away if I let her go.
“Because you were rude,” she said promptly, then laughed again. “Because I didn’t know you.”
“And now you know me?”
“I know some of you. And I’m willing to get to know you even better, if you still want to try.”
“I do want to try. Is that selfish?”
“Of course it’s not. People deserve to be happy.”
“Even people who’ve made mistakes?”
“Everyone makes mistakes. That doesn’t mean they’re not allowed to try and be happy.” She looked at me, meeting my gaze in the direct way she had, her gray eyes seemingly lit from within. “I love you.”
“You still do?”
“Of course I still do. The person I fell in love with in Rio Seco didn’t just go away, did he? That person is still in here, isn’t he?” She laid her hand on my chest, over my heart.
“He’s still here. I’m still here.”
“Then I still love you. And even if you might not be happy that your memories are back, that you’re not the person you thought you were, I’m here to tell you that you’re even better. I’m glad you know that, now. You are who you are, James. You’re the man I love.”
“I think that’s something I can hold onto,” I said. “I think that’s enough to keep me going forward.”
Cheyenne didn’t have anything to say to that. She just held me tighter.
I wasn’t sure how much time had passed before we found each other in Cheyenne’s bedroom, peeling the quilt back from the bed, taking each other’s clothes off with more care than we ever had before, as if we were scared one of us was fragile enough to break.
She stopped me when we were both naked, and looked at me.
“I see you now, James,” she said. “I’d had trouble before, sometimes, recognizing Jack. But it was because I was trying to see him through you, and you’re James.”
“I’m James,” I agreed, and the more I admitted it, the more normal it became. Less painful, even.
“You’re a good person.”
“I’m trying.”
“You don’t have to try at it. You just are. All the good things you do for Rio Seco, for your friends. You’re always trying to give people jobs. Amy said you’d been asking her to write copy for the menus, press releases. That you weren’t even asking as a friend, that you were volunteering to pay her way above what she would be used to.”
“I guessed I just wanted people to be happy. To be successful.” I shook my head. “I don’t know why I did it. I can’t guess at it, or wish there was some kind of connection there. I just did it because I wanted to.”
“Because you wanted to be a good person. Your subconscious wanted it.”
“I don’t know.”
“I do. And that’s why.”
“How can you be so sure of things? How can you trust me now that you know who I am?”
“Because when I didn’t know who you were, I still fell in love with you. And now that I can see that angst inside you clearing up, I know just how great you’re going to be.”
I kissed her, overcome with emotion, and it was a completely new experience. I wasn’t Jack feeling like I wasn’t at home in my own life, my own body. I was James. There had been a time when I hadn’t been happy with being James, either, but that time was in the past. I’d learned so much from my cousin, and from the Army, and now, from Cheyenne, that I knew I was finally on the right path. The path that had meandered and doubled back and sometimes vanished completely, but the right path, now.
The path that had Cheyenne beside me.
I explored her body as a new man, rediscovered it in the context of my own memories and experiences, and loved her even more. She was amazing, simply amazing, for opening her heart to me this entire time. Especially now, after she knew I wasn’t the man we both thought I’d been.
“Stop thinking,” she said, looking up at me, her legs wrapped around my waist, my length buried in her body to the hilt. “Just be here with me.”
“I’m here with you,” I promised her. “There isn’t a single place in this world I’d rather be.”
My body sang with pleasure as I thrust, and I leaned backward as she pushed at my bare chest, letting her take the reins, set the pace on top, riding me. God, she was beautiful. She was beautiful, and I was lucky to know her. Lucky that I had somehow found my way back to her after everything.
Lucky that some things were just meant to be, no matter what you had to go through to make it there.
When we both came, it was within heartbeats of each other.
“Cheyenne Knight, will you come back to Rio Seco with me and live out your days there by my side?” I asked her, still gasping, still seeing stars from that orgasm.
“James Ryder, nothing would make me happier.” She grinned at me, even if my next question made it falter a little.
“Even if I’m James Ryder?”
She leaned over and gave me such a passionate kiss that I felt my body start to stir all over again. “Especially because you’re James Ryder. I love you. Do you know that?”
I did now. “I love you, too.” I was more certain of that than I was of anything in the world.
Epilogue
“And just what in the fresh hell is this?”
Cheyenne rolled her eyes extravagantly at me. “It’s a cheeseburger, obviously. But sort of deconstructed.”
“Sort of?”
I was staring at a plate that featured what Cheyenne purported was a cheeseburger, but it was ground beef spread across the surface, drizzled with what looked like pepper jack cheese. To the side was a pair of crusty breadsticks. To the other side, all the traditional toppings a cheeseburger would have.
“Just try it,” she urged. “I’m not asking you to feature it. It’s just for fun.”
“I’m going to take all of this just-for-fun cooking out of your paycheck,” I groused, but dug in with gusto. No matter how strange her platings were, almost everything Cheyenne produced in the kitchen was delicious. We’d had the kitchen up and running for roughly a month now, with Cheyenne as head chef, and she delighted in making experiments to try and win me over to the weird side of cooking. She especially loved to change up the menu, organizing different kinds of feature days. I loved to complain about it if only to appreciate how beautiful she was when she was righteously outraged.
“So? What do you think?” She rubbed her hands together, excited, as she waited for my reaction.
“I just don’t understand why I have to do all the work to get the different parts of the burger into my mouth,” I complained.
“Oh, come on!”
“You know it’s delicious. You wouldn’t have let me try it if it wasn’t. It’s wonderful. Really.”
“You could have a hipster foods night at the bar,” she wheedled, her eyes shining with a devious light. “I could work with Brody to pair some super ridiculous beers with it. You know. Spaghetti with the noodles in one jar and the sauce in another. Sandwiches plated in sneakers. That kind of thing.”
“Do people actually eat sandwiches served in sneakers? Is that a thing?”
“It’s as trendy as black ice cream.”
“Black ice cream? Jesus Christ.”
“Stop blowing his mind, Cheyenne,” Chuck said, squeezing a
round her to sit in the booth with me. “James is as old school as they come on trendy things. Stubborn, too.”
“You think I haven’t noticed?” Cheyenne raised her eyebrows at me. “I’m going back to the kitchen to see what other foods I can destroy your love for.”
“Ouch,” I complained around a huge mouthful of her deconstructed burger. “As long as you leave beer out of it, I’m fine.”
“Oh, I was just going to talk to you about beer flights,” Cheyenne said as Brody slid into the bench. “Beer flights and appetizer pairings.”
I chewed on that idea for a moment as I gnawed on a breadstick. “Beer doesn’t fly.”
“Goddamn,” Brody said, sounding dazed. “Is this guy serious?”
“That’s it,” Cheyenne said, taking the plate back. “You’re done.”
“I was almost done,” I pointed out. “Still some cheese to smear up with the rest of that breadstick.”
“You don’t deserve the leftover cheese sauce,” she said, lofty, even as her eyes sparkled with mirth. “‘Beer doesn’t fly’? Really?”
“What are we talking about?” Sloan was here, which meant once Ace got here with Katie, we could start the Horizon club meeting.
“The fact that James doesn’t know what a beer flight is,” Brody said, resting his chin on his fist. “Unless he’s trolling all of us.”
“You’ll never know,” I vowed. I did know what a beer flight was. I wasn’t an idiot. I just liked to get a rise out of all of them sometimes. It was easier than they knew.
“We’re here,” Ace said, waving from the door, Katie at his heels. “Sorry we’re running a little late.”
“I will be taking refuge from official Horizon MC business in the kitchen with Amy,” Cheyenne said. “Let me know if anyone wants anything to eat.”
“Belay that,” I said, holding my hands up as everyone straightened up with excitement. Cheyenne just shook her head at me as she walked out. “Let’s get through with the meeting. I have somewhere I need to be later.”
HORIZON MC Page 75