I say, “No shit. Jade, you got an idea about where the brain might be since Plissken’s scans haven’t been panning out?”
Jade says, “It’s the fucko mix of concrete and metal and meat. Screws up the radar. It’s not Plissken’s fault. I’m using a seismic scan now so we can all at least see the layout.”
“Okay. But I got a question: Any chance we can run this city’s internal defenses down?”
Plissken says, “What do you mean? Define.”
“It’s its own ecosystem, yeah? So it’s the parasite on a big scale. A walking terriformer. What if we’re a cold? What if we’re an infection.” I nod to Turing. “And we start acting like it.”
Plissken said he gave his kids room for personality. I’m thinking that kid’s more like me than even Athena.
Turing goes:
Plissken says, “Again, you manage to go from being so stupid that you’re perhaps intelligent. We could drain the megaparasite’s autoimmune reactions and force them to respond so dramatically that it would cause a fault. Create turmoil somewhere, a hemorrhage, and we would be free to find the brain. Well, free-er, presumably.”
I say, “Yeah. That thing you just said.”
Jade says, “I got a good guess where that brain is. Updating our maps.”
A holographic map of the megaparasite flutters up in the cockpit. Looks like a big fleshy ant colony. Veins all over the place. Tunnels. Up and down. But there’s one spot below us—one spot the scans can’t see through.
It’s shaped like a skull.
I shoulder the kinetic impact rifle. Jade’s warnings about “short range” and “traumatic tissue damage” ring clear.
She says, “I knew you were gonna do that.”
“I’ve got enough rounds left to scramble the insides of a huge monster.”
“You have five rounds.” Her hologram does a little fistpump. “Let’s rock.”
“Yes ma’am.”
I look for something that might be important. I don’t wanna waste precious ammo pounding meat (teehee). I need an organ.
Jade enhances Alpha’s optics. She finds me a heart the size of a garbage truck. It’s half-melded with the gory walls. It thump-thumps at random. Doesn’t strike me as real healthy.
I say, “Perfect.” Open fire: Bam bam bam bam bam.
Bullets rip the heart apart. Their shockwaves shake ichor and viscera from the tissue of the walls. For a moment, it’s raining blood. And it is beautiful.
The heart shakes. Shudders. It beats faster and faster. Stutters. Then it stops.
The chambers hang open. Drip.
Pinkos squirm from gooey openings around the shattered heart. They slip their tendrils around it. Seem to test the damaged parts. Try to assess the situation. Little infected surgeons.
They tear pieces of themselves off. Use their bodies as bandages. The shattered heart accepts the new flesh.
Jade says, “We should go. They’re gonna be busy for a while.”
Leaving definitely feels like the right move.
* * *
I slide between skin. Move with Alpha-Jade careful as I can.
Point now is stealth. Let the megaparasite focus on healing a damaged heart. Let the pinkos think that’s all they gotta worry about.
Even Plissken keeps his thrusters at a low burn.
Jade says, “This whole place is fuckin gross.”
I say, “Welcome to my world.”
But she’s right. I knew crawling around inside a giant monster would be nasty. But I thought it’d at least be tidy. It ain’t. It’s the internal organ version of a greasy fat bastard’s couch cushions.
The walls are constantly leaking hemoglobin and pus. There’s pools of the red-yellow shit every few feet. Flaps of skin fart at random. Streams of green gas flutter in an unknown breeze. There’s barbed body hair that’s sharp as hell. And the bioluminescence makes you feel like you’re wandering around half-solid puke all the time.
So, yeah. Gross.
But syphilis is an integral part of the parasite so...
Neither of the bots give much of a shit about our surroundings, but I’m sure they’re studying.
I say, “How much longer we got?”
Jade says, “A little while. Ten minutes maybe. Why?”
“Need a smoke.”
“I can pump nicotine into your system.”
“No. I want a smoke.”
I walk. Pull my right arm out of Alpha. Reach into my chest pocket. Pop a smoke in my mouth.
A thin metal arm with a heated filament on the end reaches down in front of me. It lights my cigarette.
Jade says, “Don’t say I never did nothin for ya.”
I inhale. Feels so goddamn good.
Feels better than your legs working?
Eh. Not that much.
Jade says, “I’m going to do the intelligent thing and not release the cigarette smoke into the surrounding atmosphere. Given how touchy the creatures are to invaders.”
“Good call.”
Really just means I gotta choke on my own smoke.
Double dipping the carcinogens!
* * *
We come to a ridge in the skin. A series of warts. Some zits.
They pop under the weight of me and Turing.
Plissken chuckles at the sight of our hands and feet covered in gore.
I wonder if he’s going rampant. The AI version of insane. Except it’s death by intelligence. A robot learns too much and it can’t contain the data.
Jade says, “Not yet. He’s just weird. Cuz of you, probably.”
Plissken crests the hill of warts. Says, “Oh your god.”
I say, “Don’t got one of those.”
Then I see it.
It is a skull. A vast and massive human skull with eyes that bulge blue inside a vaster and more massive cavern made from throbbing flesh.
I know I say “throbbing” a lot, but trust me. This whole being inside a giant monster thing is pretty throbby. Just in general.
And no matter how batshit the evolution of the infection becomes, it’s still birthed from us. The throbby human race.
I mutter. “Man, we suck.”
Plissken says, “No argument here.”
The skull lies with its mouth half-open. Almost a grin. Like it’s laughing.
Swarms of pinkos crawl on its bony brow. The eyes loll around. The pinkos scoop muck and shit from the corners of its ocular cavities. Not having eyelids kinda blows, I guess.
I say, “I dub thee Faceboner. Thou art a face of bone.”
Plissken says, “Clever as always.”
Turing peels the dead frame of his sister from Alpha’s back. He tears Lovelace’s arms off at the shoulders. Rips the ammo box free. He retrofits the whole assembly to himself. Adds the 20mm cannons to the sides of his own arms. The ammo to his thigh. He checks a few connections.
He nods to me. Returns Lovelace’s torso to Alpha’s back. Dunno if he’s sentimental about it or not, so I don’t ask.
I say, “Yeah, so what’s the plan?”
Plissken says, “Skullfuck it.”
“I love you.”
“I know.”
“Keep em off me.”
Turing’s new cannons whump whump whump whump. 20mm shells hammer the Faceboner. Pinkos explode in gooey glory.
Not so acid-happy when they’re dead.
I rush forward. Chainsaw out. I let Jade handle the laser in Alpha’s head. She cooks pinkos when they start to flank. Cuz I ain’t paying attention to em. I’m only focused on scaling that goddamn demon skull and driving my XL450 through it and then punching that big infected brain until this city stops moving and starts decaying.
Fuck this place.
I stomp pinkos. Let the chainsaw chew on em w
hile I charge.
Faceboner’s eyes track me. Those big blue eyes. They focus on me. Stare at me. In my head, I hear: You don’t know what’s coming. You won’t be able to stop it. We know you. Because we are inside you.
I say, “Yeah, yeah. Shut up and get ready to lose depth perception.”
I jump. Grab a leaping pinko outta the air. Squeeze. Use it to break my fall against the hard surface of the skull. Save some CARBYNE armor. I scramble. Punch holes into the side of the infection’s face so I can pull myself up with my free hand.
Plissken and his son are still near the mouth of the cavern. Engulfed in chaos. But they murder parasites with grace and skill. A shot from Plissken’s plasma turret wipes out three pinkos. The shot melts em.
Turing leaps forward and backward. He dodges while his father flies. A metal ninja. Puts a 20mm round through the midsection of a pinko. Runs up a wall. Pirouettes. Comes back down. Slices another group to sushi with his lightsabers.
I stand over Faceboner’s left eyeball.
Faceboner’s pupil dilates under my dick.
I say, “I hear we’re related. Rough for the family these days, ain’t it?”
I drive the chainsaw’s whirling teeth into Faceboner’s eye. The jelly geysers. Gives way fast. The pupil shreds. Then the iris goes. Less than a second and the chainsaw pounds the lens with industrial death.
I bathe in milky gore. Hot sprays of it.
The skull shakes under me.
I hear it scream. I hear it say: No no no no stop please stop.
A hologram appears above Jade’s grinning face: LOL.
Tentacles whip out from the puddle of viscera I’m standing in. They flail at me. I hack at em with the chainsaw. My hungry blade against saplings. They fall. Leave leaky trails as they slide down the skull. A fat one wraps itself around the handle of the XL450. We fight over the saw. Goddamn is it strong.
We strain against each other as more tendrils curl around me.
I watch my armor drop. CARBYNE1 12% becomes CARBYNE1 4%.
Jade says, “Let go of the fucking chainsaw and deal with those other tentacles. They’re excreting the same toxic shit as the pinkos. Great. Just lost our first layer of Carbyne.”
CARBYNE2: 87%
CARBYNE2: 73%
CARBYNE2: 62%
Hot sale on mechanized warrior armor. Goin fast! Everything must go! We’re liquidating! Get it?
I grunt. “Fuck. Fine.” Let go.
The fat tentacle holds the chainsaw high up in the air. Crushes my wonderful murder machine like it’s a walnut.
I grab at the smaller tendrils wrapped around me. I rip and tear at em. Rip and tear and rip and tear. I pluck em free from the messy ocular cavity. Throw em away.
The fat tentacle swoops back down. Snatches up my right arm. Pulls.
I say, “Oh, you evil sonuvabitch.” Grab a protrusion of bone in the eye socket. If this bastard wants to fling me away or pick me up, I ain’t going without a fight.
But it doesn’t wanna fling me away.
Doesn’t wanna pick me up or move me.
It twists my arm. Fast. Hard.
Alarms shriek in the cockpit. Alpha’s right shoulder actuators snap. My fuckin shoulder dislocates. I grimace. Slide my arm out of Alpha’s. The nerve spikes there pop free.
Then.
It just.
Happens.
There’s a terrible screech.
A hologram says: CRITICAL STRUCTURE FAILURE.
I’m hit by a hurricane of noxious air. The primordial atmosphere shit Plissken was talking about. It sucks. I can’t breathe.
A clear helmet with a cable attached unfolds from the cockpit roof. It wraps around my head. Locks in the back. Leaves only enough room for the neural spike in my neck. My carbon mesh suit keeps my skin from melting.
Jade says, “I got you. I got—”
The fat tentacle rips Alpha’s right arm off. Takes a chunk of the abdomen with it.
Jade and I scream. The link between us is an unending field of agony. The pain drives us mad. We sense it in each other. Madness and madness and...
Rage.
Hate.
I grab my Colt 1911 from the cockpit rack with my right hand.
Jade says, “Kill it. Hurt it. Torment it.”
My vision goes red.
Jade burns into the base of the fat tentacle with her laser. I follow the line of light. Put seven .45 slugs through the thing. Reload. Put seven more. The wriggling appendage leaks from a dozen holes.
I yank the fat limb free with Alpha’s good left hand. Watch the skin peel.
I jump across to Faceboner’s second vile eye. Dig Alpha’s hand in underneath the jelly. Then the arm. So I can get a good grip. “I take something of yours, you take something of mine, I take something of yours—”
The eye fits snug between in the crook of Alpha’s arm. I pull. Feel little tremors as ocular nerves snap behind the eye. Feel the jaw below me clicking shut over and over.
A pinko crawls up the skull face toward me. I put bullets in its conical head. Arms. Legs. Doesn’t stop it.
“Man,” I say, “I miss zombies.”
My big caliber gun suddenly feels... Inadequate.
This’s a new and real fuckin uncomfortable experience for me.
Hehe. This is about your penis.
The pinko crouches. Gets ready to jump.
Plasma fire engulfs it. The bastard dissolves into super-hot goo.
Plissken hovers up next to me. Says, “In the future, you should feel free to ask for help.”
Turing stands before Faceboner’s big nasty mouth. Takes a little bow.
I grin. Grunt. Shout. Pull. More of Faceboner’s ocular nerve strands pop from the strain. Until the eye comes free. I say to Plissken, “Who says I needed any?”
“Don’t even try to play that card.”
I carry the eyeball down to the cavern floor. There’s one long nerve still attached. I giggle at the sight of it. Drop the jelly orb. Spin it till the pupil stares back at the skull. I say, “Faceboner, you should see this. It’s gonna be fun on a bun.”
I hear Turing’s magnetic rail cannon charge up. There’s a flash of light. A fresh fat tentacle that’s sprouted from the second eyehole explodes into giblets.
I walk up to the skull mouth. It opens and closes. Can’t tell if it wants to talk. Cry. Laugh. Beg. I don’t hear anything in my head. So fuck this thing anyway.
I kick the bottom front teeth out. Alpha’s foot hits em so hard they turn into calcium powder. Blood gushes from the gums. I punch the top two front teeth. Shatter em.
“Just your friendly neighborhood dentist.” I cackle. “Look at this tooth decay! You really need to take better care of your mouth.”
The jaw snaps shut. Just misses Alpha’s left hand.
I grab the M1911. Unload into the gum line. Make ugly new holes. I jam my fingers in. Get a hold of a root near the surface. Tear it out. I grasp the sharp tooth it’s attached to. A three-foot fang. I rock the thing free. Back and forth. Frayed flaps of flesh cling to the edges of it.
I hold it like a dagger. Jump. Climb up to the bridge of Faceboner’s nasal cavity. I slam the fang down on Faceboner’s forehead. Flecks of hard white chip away from the skull. I pound it with the pointy tooth until there’s a visible crack. Then I pound it harder. Until the crack widens. And I can see the pink pulsing brain underneath.
I say, “Hello there.”
A voice in my head says: You cannot win. Even this is nothing. We will consume the planet. Think of that much larger city you saw heading west.
The fatty mind meat in front of me shakes. Jell-O on a plate.
I chip away more of the bone. Make the hole bigger. Say, “Evil guys are always so sure of themselves.” I plunge the big sharp tooth into the crack. It
s tip pierces the jiggling brain. Hot blood volcanoes out.
Faceboner roars. A deep howl that bounces around the fleshy cavern.
I raise Alpha’s fist. “Hammer, meet nail.” Bring it down hard on top of the fang. The tooth juts farther into the brain. I scream. Jade screams. We scream with each punch.
I stand. Stomp the fang down till I can’t see it anymore. Splortch. Till the skull’s screaming dies and the whole head goes slack. I kick into the brain a few more times. Mostly out of spite.
I say, “That was satisfying.”
Jade says, “Yeah, I came.”
Turing and Plissken wait for me near the entrance to the cavern of the dead head.
I tap the missile pod on Turing’s shoulder. Say, “You wanna do the honors?”
Turing nods. Crouches like he’s gonna sprint. Then sends twelve small warheads into the skull. They impact inside the mouth. In the eye sockets. Even in the small fissure I made with the fang. They explode. A dozen flashes of fire.
The skull breaks away. Crumbles under the intensity of the high explosives. A flood of parasitized mind matter and blood and pus sloshes through the cavern.
The rest of the thing burns. Crackles. Sizzles. Pops.
A few random pinkos try to repair the damage. But since they’re apparently dumb as fucklumps, they just catch themselves on fire and flop around for a while.
I say, “Guess we coulda done that from the start. Saved ourselves some time.”
Jade says, “Aw, but what we did was so much more fun... You owe me an arm.”
Plissken says, “It’s not dead yet.”
I say, “Gimme a goddamn break.”
Jade says, “He’s right. This creature’s so big, maybe it needs two brains or something. It hasn’t stopped moving. It hasn’t even tripped over itself. We would’ve felt that. It’s pretty obvious when one of these things dies.”
Plissken says, “It does not have two brains.” He fires a plasma bolt into the wall. The flesh melts away. There’s more pulsing monster brain matter there. “It has one very, very large brain—which we have barely even given a minor stroke to.”
And things seemed to be going so well.
24. Adios
Plissken says, “That is why I was unable to locate the brain, so much of this creature already is brain. It’s behind the walls. Under the floor. Et cetera.”
A Man and His Robot Page 22