Copyright © 2017 by Leslie Peter Wulff
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Wulff, Leslie Peter, author.
Title: Uncle Brucker the rat killer / Leslie Peter Wulff.
Description: New York, NY : Night Shade Books, 2017.
Identifiers: LCCN 2016038963 | ISBN 9781597808941 (paperback)
Subjects: LCSH: Teenage boys--Fiction. | Uncles--Fiction. | Rats--Fiction. |
Fourth dimension--Fiction. | Time travel--Fiction. | Imaginary
places--Fiction. | Imaginary wars and battles--Fiction. | BISAC: FICTION /
Fantasy / Urban Life. | FICTION / Fantasy / Contemporary. | GSAFD: Fantasy
fiction.
Classification: LCC PS3623.U44 U53 2017 | DDC 813/.6--dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016038963
Print ISBN: 978-1-59780-894-1
eISBN: 978-1-59780-615-2
Cover design by Claudia Noble
Cover artwork by AJ Frena
Printed in the United States of America
To Sandy, for everything.
Shot dead most of them with my 22.
Maimed an equal number.
Killed three with a stick bat.
The rest died of fright upon my arrival,
except just one I had to wrestle.
—The Rat Killer
1
The rats killed my grandmother on May 24, 1998.
It’s a famous case, a well known fact. You can read about it in the Journal on May 25th of that year. Front page headline: RODENTS SUSPECTED IN FATAL MAULING OF GRANDMA THOMPSON. You can look it up in the Tri-County Times too, if you can find the old copies, but I got my information from Uncle Brucker the Rat Killer. He knew a lot about everything but mostly he knew about rats.
Spring 1998 was the wettest spring on record. Two weeks of rain and the ground was spongy. Earthworms squirmed to the surface, gasping for air, and gophers slept above ground. Squirrels made nests in the tallest trees, trying to find the sun. Bluebirds lost their direction in the dark clouds and tumbled to the ground, and so did the chickadees and night-flying falcons.
The rats had a fat day feasting on the suicide birds.
“Only the fish were happy, coupla frogs,” said Uncle Brucker.
“But what about the rats?” I asked him. “Weren’t the rats happy? I mean with all the dead birds to eat up?”
“You’d think so, wouldn’t ya? Breakfast, lunch and dinner droppin’ out of the sky. Rats crawlin’ around, munchin’ here, munchin’ there. But remember, we’re dealin’ with rats, and rats are miserable creatures.”
I was twelve and a half years old at the time of this conversation. I had just run away from home for the first time. I ran so fast I felt like I was still running, more than four miles to the old house.
Uncle Brucker stood at the back door when I ran up. He didn’t tell me my father had called and he didn’t say my father was coming to get me. He didn’t say anything at all. He just handed me a can of Coke and I knew all about it.
Then we sat side-by-side out front in the double rocker and waited for my father to show up.
That’s where the rats murdered Grandma Thompson, right there in the doorway. They ganged up on her and murdered her at the front porch of the old house. Scratch marks all over the front door, scratched-up porch boards.
Uncle Brucker had a thick beard that hid his face. It moved in and out of his mouth when he talked, sweeping the words out. He stroked that beard a twisty way.
“You see, after a feast, a rat likes nuthin’ more than a good sleep. And boy did these rats feast. A sparrow, coupla chickadees, barn bats for dessert. So you see the situation here. On May twenty-fourth the sun came out steamin’, swellin’ up the rat holes while the rats were out feastin’ and bloatin’ in the sun. And everybody knows a bloated rat can’t fit in a swollen rat hole, and a cranky rat will turn vicious and attack an elderly person. Poor Grandma Thompson, she opened the front door and they were all over her. She didn’t have a chance, one old lady against a horde a bloated rats, killin’ just for killin’, chewin’ just for chewin’. Hunger had nuthin’ to do with it.
“After the funeral I went on a rampage and kilt about sixty-three rats with my twenty-two. Shot ‘em right up their butts stickin’ out the rat holes.”
Uncle Brucker twisted something out of his beard, held it between two fingers, put it back where he found it. He leaned back in the big rocker and put his feet up on the railing. I stretched my legs out all the way but they didn’t reach.
I was listening for my father’s Malibu. If the tires squeal when he steps on the brakes at the stop sign it means I’m in trouble.
In a while I heard the Malibu coming around the corner. My father drove right through the stop sign. He didn’t step on the brakes and he’s coming down the road and I was in big trouble.
I took a last sip of Coke before I had to go.
“Is that why they call you the Rat Killer?” I asked.
“Nah, that ain’t why,” he said. “Grandpa Thompson named me that when I was little cause I used to kill rats and eat ‘em until I found out they wasn’t squirrels.”
“How do they taste?”
“Pretty good when you think they’re squirrels,” said Uncle Brucker.
2
The rats murdered Grandma Thompson and rats were responsible for Grandpa Thompson’s death too, though they didn’t kill him outright.
“Grandpa Thompson drowned, but if you ask me the rats did him in,” Uncle Brucker told me the next time I ran away.
After Grandpa Thompson died back in 2003, Uncle Brucker moved into the old house. It really was a great runaway home. The screened-in porch stretched across the front, around the side, all the way to the back door. The crawl space under the porch made a great hiding spot or clubhouse area. Big droopy willows shaded the front lawn and tall pine trees leaned over the barn out back. The back yard was way bigger than any baseball field.
For years Uncle Brucker let my father store his junked cars on the property, but my father never worked on them and he never came to tow them away. Uncle Brucker moved the junked Camaro and a junked Scout into the tall grass that grew around the barn.
We were sitting next to the Camaro in the junked Monte Carlo.
He was teaching me how to downshift and telling me more about rats.
“The rats had it in for Grandpa Thompson,” he said. “Rats hate anythin’ that hates them, and they got a way a knowin’ what hates ‘em. . . . That ain’t second.”
“I know.”
“Wrong way downshiftin’.”
“I’m just passin’ through.”
“And Grandpa Thompson hated rats more than anybody hated anythin’ cause of the way they ate up Grandma Thompson. All this hatred brought an influx of rats and a few wayward squirrels as well. Rats are attracted to what they hate and they will not eat anythin’ unless they really hate it. Ever watch rats eat? Rippin’, chewin’, and gnawin’. Rippin’, chewin’, gnawin’. It’s like they’re murderin’ all over again. Strange, innit? Rats love to eat but they hate what they’re eatin’. And rats love eatin’ what they hate so much they will rarely stop eatin’ even when they lo
ok death in the face. That’s when Grandpa Thompson did his killin’, when they was eatin’. He crept up behind ‘em and shot ‘em in the pudnuts. Grandpa Thompson kilt an average of eight hunred rats a year, though he tapered off somewhat near the end.”
“Eight hunred a year!” I said. “That’s a lot a rats to kill.”
“No kiddin’,” said Uncle Brucker. “Think about it. That’s eighty rats a month based on a ten month year. Lucky for Grandpa Thompson we got twelve month years so that made it easier for him.”
“Grandpa Thompson kilt more rats than you?”
“Yes he did. Many more. Grandpa Thompson was the greatest Rat Killer in Bowen County.”
“I thought they call you the Rat Killer.”
“They do.”
“How come they don’t call Grandpa Thompson the Rat Killer?”
“Cause I already had that name for years, and that’s what counts. It’s like Venezuela, down south. Lots of countries wanna be called Venezuela, but Venezuela got called it first.”
Uncle Brucker lit a cigarette. I noticed the way he smoked. He inhaled, flicked the ashes, exhaled—a three-step process. It looked like he blew out more smoke than he took in. The shrinking cigarette disappeared into his shaggy beard.
For a moment I thought he would set fire to his beard, but Uncle Brucker knew how to smoke a cigarette without setting fire to his beard.
When he finished he flicked the butt onto the driveway.
“See what I just did?” he said. “Never do that when there’s rats around, flick a butt in a driveway. Right now there’s no rats around so it’s OK.”
“But I don’t smoke.”
“Then don’t worry about it.”
He lit another cigarette.
“Worry about what?” I asked.
“Smoker rats. Certain species of rats will comb a driveway lookin’ for butts. Smoker rats can’t light a butt. They find one lit, they’ll pick it up and smoke it. Then they never leave you alone. That’s how Grandpa Thompson died. He was a chain smoker. Walked down to the pond one mornin’, flickin’ butts all over the place without understandin’ the consequences. Smoker rats followed his trail, screechin’ and fightin’ for the butts. By the time he got to the rowboat there was hunreds of ‘em. He tried to row away but they swam out to the boat and capsized him. Grandpa Thompson went straight to the bottom cause he had a habit of keepin’ his spare sinkers in his pockets.”
“Too bad he kept his sinkers in his pockets,” I said. “Then he wouldna drowned so easy.”
“Nah, he still woulda drowned. When Grandpa Thompson didn’t have sinkers in his pockets he carried a lot of spare change.”
“Enough spare change to weigh him down?”
“Don’t take much,” Uncle Brucker said. “Coupla dollars in quarters will sink a full-grown man. Who knows how many nickels he had?”
3
The night had sneaked up on us and we were sitting on the porch in the dark. The overhead bulb had burnt out or maybe Uncle Brucker didn’t turn it on. The crickets were already making a lot of noise. Two cats fought somewhere on McDermott’s property. The streetlight clicked on at the corner and a thousand moths came around. No breeze. The rats are out there, you can put your money on that.
I learned a lot about rats from Uncle Brucker every time I ran away from home.
“Rats evolved in many directions over the years,” Uncle Brucker explained. “You got your straight line and you got your divergent lines of development, and there’s rats we don’t know how the hell they get here. Rats got their own ways about ‘em, but they don’t look like much. You won’t know ‘em just by lookin’, you know ‘em by what they do—like the tangerine rat. Looks like your everyday rat, but only a tangerine rat will peel and eat a whole tangerine. Another rat, the dandy rat. Looks like every rat. Sleeps like every rat. But when the music’s playin’, only the dandy will get up on two legs and dance, and only a dandy will dance a waltz. You see a rat dancin’ on all fours—-that ain’t no dandy rat. Dancin’ to another tune? That’s a common rat. . . . Gotta be a waltz.”
Uncle Brucker knew more about rats than anyone knew, and he knew a lot that no one knew. He knew the facts and he knew the stories. He wasn’t the type who read a book about another person’s experience. He went off and learned stuff on his own.
“What’s the biggest rat?” I asked him.
“The biggest rat by far is the big East Kalahari Desert rat, which can get much bigger than a Old Guinea King rat, dependin’ how old. How big can he get? Oh, I’d say a old Old Guinea King rat can weigh in at seventy pounds. But a female big East Kalahari Desert rat’ll put thirty pounds on that. I’ve never seen one in the States.”
“How come?”
“Never looked. Don’t have to look cause I know the facts. Some folks come over, want to show me their rats. I tell ‘em call first, and don’t bring no bogus rat. A genuine odd rat I’ll take a look at for ya. The other day this fella calls, says he’s got a hunred pound rat cummin’ in from Africa. I say, ‘You’re lyin’, fella. I know the fact.’”
“What’s the fact?”
“Fact is big rats don’t travel well, especially on steamers. A thirty-five, forty pound wharf rat’s got a chance, but a sixty pound bilge rat’ll never make it, cause the crew eats ‘em. A small rat they don’t bother with, but a big meaty rat the engine crew will roast in the boiler and feast on for the duration of the voyage.”
I leaned back in the big porch rocker, stretched my legs out all the way and put my feet up on the railing.
“What’s the smallest rat?” I asked my Uncle.
“The smallest rat I’ve seen is a nick rat. No biggeran a nick, about so big. . . but I don’t know the smallest for sure. There may be rats so small we don’t even know about ‘em.”
Uncle Brucker wrote down notes for his Proposals, and he kept a Journal for Additional Ideas. He thought-up two books on rats he’d been working on. One of his books is the Specialized Rat Encyclopedia, From A to Z.
In the preface to the Specialized Rat Encyclopedia, From A to Z, he explains that rats are curious and intelligent creatures capable of adapting to situations. For instance, a family of rats living in a public library can learn to read an abridged dictionary. A gas station rat will putter with four-cylinder engines and perform minor electric repairs. At Multiple Tire in Matacham, station rats taught themselves how to drain the oil and use a spark plug wrench.
“What’s the other book about?”
“The other book is a collection of true rat stories from around the world,” he said. “Everybody loves a rat story, cause there ain’t nuthin’ like ‘em.”
A greenfly flew through a hole in the screen. He swiped it and knocked it to the floor where it buzzed and buzz-buzzed.
“I’m tryin’ to get one rat story from every country the world over,” he said. “But with so many stories mixed in my head, it’s hard to keep ‘em straight. Someday when I get ‘em straight in my mind, I’ll write ‘em down chronological so they make some sorta sense. At that point I’ll think up a title or I’ll know one already.”
That greenfly buzzed. The mosquitos flew in just to annoy us, but they didn’t buzz like that greenfly.
“Damn!” Uncle Brucker said. “Still no reply from the government concernin’ my new proposal. What’s takin’ ‘em so long?”
His new Proposal, D-299, was of primary importance. He had worked on it for a long time and finished it early last year. It’s a Top-Secret Defense Plan that he couldn’t tell me about in case the government decides to accept it. If the government won’t accept it, then he’ll tell me about it. Or if the government accepts it and says OK, then he tells me. But until that time he can’t even give a hint.
Uncle Brucker said, “I hope the government ain’t takin’ its time, cause I really want to tell you all about it. Right now my proposal is in the consideration stage, and that’s stage two.”
“How many stages to go?”
“Good question.
Stages vary with the proposal. This bein’ a prime proposal, top scale, might add up five or six stages. There’s committees to go to and meetins to attend, and you know that don’t make it easy. So I can’t tell you about my proposal yet, Walt. Right now you’ll have to wait.”
“How long?”
Uncle Brucker thought about this.
In a while he said, “Average one stage per year. Sorry.”
Uncle Brucker searched through his pockets. He was looking for something important, and he found it wrapped in a handkerchief in his back pocket. He unwrapped it and handed it to me secretly, palm down.
When he opened his fingers it dropped like magic into my hand.
“Wow!” I said. “It’s a real Indian arrowhead!”
It had INDIAN scratched into the side.
“Nah, that ain’t real,” he said. “What Indian would write Indian on his arrowhead? It’s authentic though, except for the inscription. I made this one myself in the Cherokee Indian style, and it’s just as good. I wrote Indian on the back so you know it ain’t real cause it looks so authentic. It’s yours, I’m givin’ it to ya. Keep it as a good luck piece.”
4
By the time I turned 16, my father and I were at war. We fought every day about one thing or another, but the biggest battles were over the missing drill bit and spark plug wrench.
We got along for a day or two, which means we ignored each other and didn’t talk. Then if I said one word, he’d get crazy and start in with the orders. Mow the goddamn lawn. Patch the damn roof on the shed like I told you.
And find me my drill bit and bring back the damn plug wrench!
He worked for the highway department during the week. On weekends he repaired cars in the garage attached to the house. He kept the garage door open so you’d know he was in business. Except when his girlfriend Raylene came over, he rolled it down.
While cleaning up one night he noticed the space on the pegboard where the spark plug wrench went. Where was the damn plug wrench? He bought it at Schnells Hardware just last week. He had held it in his hand a minute ago.
Uncle Brucker the Rat Killer Page 1