Chapter 12
Silence.
Complete silence. It somehow seemed odd.
Rolling on his back, Evan wondered why the TV wasn’t on. Had Charlie turned it off? She knew he always left the TV on and to never turn it off. The noise from the television seemed to help make him feel a little less lonely when he was there by himself.
He hated the silence. The silence let him think too much, let his mind wander, made him face his loneliness.
Opening his eyes, he looked around the room, disappointed to see that Charlie wasn’t there.
Voices.
He heard faint voices.
Lying there, he didn’t move for fear the rustling of the satin sheets would drown the voices out.
There were voices of two people. A man and a woman. The woman wasn’t Charlie. She sounded like…
Mother?
Mother!
He instantly realized in a panic his mother was there. He couldn’t imagine anything worse happening!
Questions flew through his head as he jumped out of bed jerking on a t-shirt and pair of shorts. The aching in his muscles and the throbbing in his head seemed dull compared to the alarm he was now experiencing.
Why was she here? How did she get here? Where was Charlie? Did they meet?
His gut seemed to do summersaults at the thought. He hoped to god they hadn’t.
Evan heard the front door shut and then the TV in his living room come on. Someone left, but someone was still there.
Walking into the living room, he was surprised to see his brother sitting in his favorite recliner.
“Michael.”
Michael turned and smiled. “I see you’re finally up. Are you feeling better? Charlie said you’d been running a temp…”
“You met Charlie?” Evan asked incredulously, his stomach dropping to his knees.
His eyes twinkling, Michael said, “Yes, and she was very lovely indeed.”
Evan felt almost faint. His family hadn’t known Charlie was a woman. He had never told them what gender she was; they’d naturally assumed that she was a man. It had seemed easier that way. His mother’s constant meddling would have driven him crazy.
“I heard mother’s voice…did she meet Charlie?”
“Oh, yes. Mother first thought Charlie was Liza. And then when the very pretty young lady in front of mother informed her that she was Charlie Johnson, mother let the cat out of the bag, blurting that she thought Charlie was a man, inadvertently of course.”
Evan cursed. “Why didn’t you stop her?”
“First of all,” Michael said evenly, “I tried but the damage had been done. And second, if you had told us in the beginning that Charlie was a woman, we wouldn’t be going through this drama right now.”
Evan plopped on the couch, feeling weak and defeated. He was in the wrong one hundred percent, and it was wrong of him to try to place the blame on his brother.
“You know why I didn’t tell you.”
“I knew exactly why when I saw her. And mother did too. Mother’s already humming the wedding march and has called father with the news. You, my brother, are doomed.”
Evan raked his hand through his hair and rested his head in his hands. This was a mess. This was exactly why he never told them. The interference in his life on his parent’s part was going to be unbearable. Living in pure hell.
“Why are you here? We had a deal you’d always warn me before mother makes a surprise visit.”
“I hate to admit it, Evan, but she outsmarted me. Aunt Eileen is sick and mother wanted to fly out to San Diego to see her. You know how father doesn’t like Aunt Eileen, so I was elected to accompany mother. She ordered the tickets. I didn’t even know we had to stop in St. Louis until it was too late. After we landed, she wouldn’t let me out of her sight.”
“Where’s mother? Charlie?”
“Mother went to the grocery store to buy some things for dinner. As for Charlie, she left shortly after she met mother.”
Evan’s heart sank. Charlie was hurt. There was no doubt. “How’d she look?”
“Devastated. I tried to lighten things up, but the damage had been done. She was really hurt, Evan. I could see it in those big green eyes of hers. She was every inch the lady even though she let slip she stayed the night here last night. You should’ve seen the horrified look on her face. I thought for a moment mother was going to pounce on it, but she just smiled. I could see the wheels turning in mother’s mind. She’s enchanted with Charlie. She fully expects Charlie to be her daughter before too long.”
Evan nodded, feeling like his carefully controlled world was spiraling out of control. He could picture Charlie’s face, the hurt in her beautiful green eyes. He could see the devastation in them.
Devastated.
The word hung in his mind in big, bold letters.
He felt like a first class ass. He’d never meant for this to happen. At the time, it seemed like the perfect solution to get a little breathing room.
He’d been a fool.
He needed to see Charlie.
****
Charlie wasn’t shocked or surprised to see Evan standing before her.
No.
She was angry.
Livid.
Irate.
…that he hurt and humiliated her.
…that he thought so little of her.
…that he was ashamed of her.
That was the most degrading aspect of the whole situation. She’d always thought of herself as Evan’s equal, and had thought he viewed her that way, too. But now it was glaringly apparent that she had been many things to him, but one thing she had never been to him was his equal.
Though she was furious, Charlie checked the urge to slam the door in his face. Instead, she kept her face an unreadable mask. She didn’t want his pity.
“May I come in, Charlie?”
“I’m surprised you’d lower yourself to come here,” she said scornfully.
Unable to stand the sight of him any longer, she moved to turn away. To do what, she really didn’t know. Perhaps she should slam the door in his face.
As if reading her mind, he caught her hand with his. “Don’t do this, Charlie.”
She stiffened, jerking her hand from his. She didn’t want him to touch her. She couldn’t let him touch her. It felt too good, too right. She had to be strong.
Turning back towards him, she searched his eyes for several long seconds. Then, against her better judgment, she stepped aside to allow him entry to her apartment. Closing the door after him, she leaned her back against it, crossed her arms over her chest and waited for him to speak.
“I’m sorry, Charlie.”
“What are you sorry for?” she bit out. “Humiliating me in front of your family? Being ashamed of me? Or are you sorry for being a first-class jerk?”
Evan sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Charlie was being direct as usual. “Charlie, I honestly didn’t mean for this to happen. It seemed so much easier at the time to let my family think you were a man. I never told them you were, but with your name they automatically thought you were…”
His voice trailed away; he didn’t exactly know how to proceed. The right words seemed to escape him. Even to his own ears his explanation sounded lame. To Charlie, he must sound like the most pathetic man on earth.
She angrily pushed away from the door, suddenly feeling the need to move, to pace, to let off steam. She was not in the mood for his lame explanations. “You don’t have to explain anything to me. I just need to know one thing. Are you ashamed of me, Evan? Is that what it’s all about?” Her voice was strong and clear, only betraying her tattered heart at the very end when it slightly shook.
“Oh, Charlie…” he groaned, taking a step towards her.
Charlie shook her head. “No, Evan. Answer my question,” she demanded in a strong, no nonsense voice. It was suddenly extremely important that she know the answer. She never wanted to be the object of anyone’s pity, especially Evan’
s. Being on equal ground with him had always been important, even more so now.
“Of course I’m not ashamed of you. It was just easier to let them think you were a male friend.”
“You’re a grown man, Evan,” she interrupted. “Grownups have to deal with issues whether they want to or not. It seems to me if you had been really proud to call me a friend, you would have cleared up the misunderstanding instead of letting it go on and on. I don’t understand it, Evan. I thought I knew you, really knew you.”
“You do know me,” he said angrily. “I don’t think you’re being fair, Charlie. I’m trying to explain. I never meant to hurt you.” Exasperated, Evan continued, “Will you please listen to what I’m saying? You don’t understand how my family is, how pushy they can be…”
“I understand perfectly, Evan. You’re not the only person in the world who has overbearing parents. Every time I spoke to my father, I caught hell because of you. He wanted to know what was going on between us. He wanted me to dump you as a friend because he was convinced I would never find a man with you around. Yet I defended you again and again. The day he died we argued about you. He wanted me to choose between living with him or living here in St. Louis, living here near you. I chose you, Evan. I chose you only to find out that perhaps he was right and you were never really my friend at all.”
“Charlie…”
Fearing she was about to break down, she turned her back towards him. “Go, Evan. Just please go.”
“Not until you listen to me,” he bit out. “My god, you talk as if these past five years of friendship have never happened. You’re going to crucify me and throw our friendship away because of this one incident? Is that what you want, Charlie?”
She turned back towards him, her green eyes filled with pain. “It’s not what I want, but can’t you see it’s what has to happen? I can’t trust you, Evan. I can’t believe you. And nothing you do or say will change that.”
Evan’s steely eyes bored into hers. He refused to grovel at her feet for forgiveness. He’d apologized, but she’d thrown it back in his face. Through tight lips he said icily, “If that’s the way you want it to be, then that’s the way it will be.”
***
Days turned into weeks and the weeks gradually turned into months. Spring quietly slipped into summer, and fall came roaring in in the form of an earlier than usual snowstorm.
Evan stared out his office window watching large snowflakes float to the ground. It had been months since he’d seen Charlie, months since he’d gazed into her beautiful green eyes and felt his heart warmed by her soothing voice and melodious laughter. Whether he wanted to admit it or not, he missed her terribly.
Through the years, without realizing it, their lives had become so intertwined. There wasn’t a day that had gone by when he hadn’t thought about her. They had met religiously every Friday for lunch, went to hockey, football, and baseball games, played Frisbee in the park.
They had been the best of buddies.
They had been the most intimate of lovers.
He could still envision her lying in his bed, her silky hair fanned out on the pillow, the sultry look of desire in her eyes, the feel of her warm, soft skin as he held her in his arms. He’d never felt such passion or completion with a woman as he had with Charlie. And he had the desolate feeling that he never would again.
Had she been the one? The woman with whom he was supposed to spend the rest of his life? He often wondered.
Should he have tried harder to change her mind? Had he let her go too easily?
A knock on his office door interrupted his thoughts.
“Come in.”
The door opened, then closed with a soft click.
Evan didn’t bother turning around. He knew who it was.
“You need to go home.”
Evan shrugged his shoulders. “I have some paperwork to finish.”
Alan came to stand by his friend. Glancing out the window he said, “You and I both know that it can wait. You need to go home Evan. You can’t keep living in your office.”
“I’m not living in my office,” he countered.
“Don’t BS me. You’ve brought in a microwave, a refrigerator; you have a blanket and pillow in the closet. You can’t live here in your office and keep burying yourself in your work. Life goes on.”
Evan sighed. “Life isn’t what it used to be, Alan.”
“Since you and Charlie broke up?”
“Yes,” he said harshly.
“Then why don’t you do something about it? Make amends with her or get on with your life without her. But don’t let this eat you up. You’ve let this get the best of you”
“I know, Alan. Believe me. I’ve tried to move on. But the joy in life just isn’t there. Charlie - you know how she’s so happy and upbeat – always brightened my day. I looked forward to seeing her, doing things with her. That was long before I slept with her. I never should have given in to my feelings, Alan.”
“You love her, don’t you?”
Evan shrugged his shoulders, feeling at a loss. “I don’t honestly know. I know I care for her very much and I miss her like hell.”
“Put yourself out of this misery,” Alan urged. “Swallow your pride. Go see her, Evan. Ask for her forgiveness.”
Evan gave a bitter laugh. “I have a snowballs chance in hell. She’ll never forgive me.” Evan looked pointedly at his friend. “You don’t know what happened.”
His friend shrugged his shoulders. “I decided if and when you wanted to tell me you would.”
“For all these years, I let my family believe that Charlie was a man. One day my mother showed up unannounced and you can guess what happened.”
Alan whistled. “Jesus, Evan. Why did you let them think that?”
Standing rigid, Evan stared hard out the window, unable to look his friend in the eye. He had been reluctant to tell Alan any of the sordid details because he was embarrassed and ashamed of the way he’d handled things. But now he had this sudden urge to confess his stupidity and shortsightedness. Perhaps it would release whatever it was that was eating away at his soul.
He looked at his friend. “I don’t like anyone, especially my family, knowing my business. I don’t like unsolicited advice and nagging regarding my relationships. It sounds stupid, but I was afraid if they knew about Charlie they would drive me away from her. Even back then when I first met her I realized how special she was and how I didn’t want to lose her. I just went about ensuring that wouldn’t happen in the wrong way.”
“Surely she understands that.”
Evan shook his head regretfully. “I never got that far. She was convinced that I was ashamed of her and betrayed her. She told me she would never trust me again. And that’s where the situation stands.”
“Well, Evan, you’ve got to decide how much she means to you. Does she mean enough to you to do whatever it takes to secure her forgiveness and have her back in your life again? Only you can make that happen. That is if you want it to happen.”
Long after Alan had left, Evan stood at the window thinking while watching the sunset and myriads of snowflakes drift to the ground forming large white drifts.
Alan was right, of course. He needed to do something. He needed to take action. But what? The question seemed to haunt him.
Grabbing his coat off the back of a nearby chair, he decided one thing he could start doing was sleeping in his own bed again at night.
But before he could pull his coat over his shoulders, the beep of the pager clipped to his belt echoed in the quiet room.
Chapter 13
Evan’s whole body shook. At least it did internally. No one around him could sense his fear or horror regarding the scene before him.
Barking orders to the nurses surrounding him, he took several calming breaths. He had to stay focused, be professional. He couldn’t let his objectivity be impaired.
He never before had this reaction to a patient. It felt odd, bewildering.
He almo
st felt out of control.
The patient was unconscious and needed surgery. There was no doubt about his prognosis. There was bruising and swelling in the right hip area. The right leg was turned outward and shorter than the left.
Though he was on call tonight, he couldn’t perform the surgery. He’d done it many times before, but professionally and ethically he couldn’t do it. He was too involved, had too much at stake personally.
Watching the patient being rolled away for x-rays, he took off his gloves and tossed them in a nearby hazmat bin. He needed to call Alan. Glancing about, all the phones were either in use or had several people around them. He needed a quiet area where he could gather his thoughts, where he could talk to Alan privately.
Heading for a nearby doctor’s lounge, he was relieved to see no one there.
From memory he dialed Alan’s home number.
When Alan answered the phone, Evan got directly to the point. “I need your help, Alan. Charlie’s been in an accident.”
****
Alan performed the surgery to repair Charlie’s fractured hip the next day. Evan was present the entire time. Not because he didn’t trust Alan’s surgical skills. Alan was an excellent surgeon. But because he had this insatiable need to be there in the room with Charlie, to make sure everything that could be done was being done.
What About Charlie? Page 14