Initially, Charlie had been reluctant to let Evan’s mother take over the wedding preparations, but now seeing all her hard work come to fruition, she was very glad she had. Mrs. Collier certainly had a flare for simple elegance and style.
Mrs. Collier had reserved a bed and breakfast in Alton, a short distance from St. Louis. There they would have the wedding and reception. Evan, who had planned on wearing a shirt, tie, sport jacket, and Dockers was now in a black tux with tails, looking elegant and handsome.
And Charlie’s planned pantsuit had been replaced by the loveliest dress she’d ever seen. It was a white dress with a handkerchief hem, hanging down to her ankles. The dress had short cap sleeves and beautiful beadwork that accented the v-neck collar as well as the bodice and skirt. The dress was simple yet so very elegant. With it she wore a pair of low heeled sandals and a band of small white and peach colored flowers fastened in her upswept hair. She carried a bouquet of white lilies and peach colored roses. Charlie felt like a princess.
She couldn’t have asked for anything nicer. Every detail had been taken care of – from the fresh flowers (white lilies and peach colored roses) to the harpist playing in the background.
Everything was perfect or would have been except for one very large detail: They weren’t in love.
To be more precise, Evan didn’t love her.
Standing before the Reverend, Charlie felt as if she were in a vacuum. She still held onto his arm, fearing if she let go she would fall without his support. The Reverend’s voice seemed so very far away. She felt Evan shift on one foot, then the other. His arm moved ever so slightly. Was it a nervous tremble?
Then she heard his deep voice, a voice that would always melt her heart no matter what, repeat his wedding vows. Then after a few moments of Michael digging in his pocket for the ring, Evan placed it on her left index finger, a platinum band with diamonds sunk in it. Evan had called it a channel setting. Whatever it was called, it was exquisite. All too soon it was her turn, and, within a matter of moments, they were husband and wife.
Mrs. And Mrs. Evan Collier.
Her dream.
Now her nightmare.
She couldn’t help note that with bitter irony. Her dream of marrying the man she loved had come true but the part of him loving her was sadly missing.
Turning around to face his parents, she planted a smile on her face, feeling like a fake, an imposter. They believed she and Evan were marrying for love. But in reality they were marrying so she would have his money and his care. It sounded mercenary, crude, and Charlie cringed at the thought. But nonetheless it was the truth however ugly it sounded.
Charlie turned her head and looked at Evan. His eyes met hers and he broke into a smile, a warm smile that reached his eyes, a smile that reached all the way to her heart. It seemed genuine as if he were truly happy. Her heart lifted. Perhaps things would be ok after all.
But things were not ok Charlie thought glumly a mere three hours and lobster dinner later. All their wedding guests were gone and they were alone at last in the honeymoon suite. Of course, they hadn’t planned on staying in the honeymoon suite, but Evan’s parent’s had had other ideas. Before they left, they presented Evan with a key to the room, hugging them both before they left. What could Evan do but graciously accept their gift?
Now they stood staring at each other, the crystal in the chandelier above them reflecting the orange and red flames flickering in the gas fireplace. The room was all shadows, the only light coming from the fireplace. However, in spite of the shadows, Charlie could see Evan’s face. He looked as uncomfortable as she felt.
“This is a lovely room,” Charlie said trying to fill the silence. To avoid Evan’s eyes, she looked around, taking in the hardwood floors, the oriental rugs, and the king size feather bed. Slowly walking with the assistance of her cane into the bathroom she reddened at the sight of the heart shaped whirlpool and the glass enclosed shower stall. She really wished Evan’s parents hadn’t put them in this situation, but, undoubtedly, they believed them to be in love. Surely they would have known that she wasn’t allowed to have sex for several more weeks. Of course, there were many ways a man and woman could make love. They would know that as well.
Going back into the main room, Evan stood by the fireplace, his hand resting on the marble mantle.
“Would you like some champagne?” he asked, nodding to a silver bucket filled with ice and a large bottle.
She shook her head no. “Your parents didn’t have to do all this for us.”
“It’s something they wanted to do. Sometimes it’s hard to say no.”
Charlie half-smiled, thinking of her father. “I know exactly what you mean.”
“It never occurred to me that they would reserve this room for us. If I had known, I would have tried to talk them out of it.”
Her leg beginning to ache, Charlie sat on the edge of the bed. “When we arrived and your mother ushered me up here to get dressed, I thought we were fortunate to have an empty room to dress. But I started getting an uneasy feeling about things when I was in the bathroom doing my hair and, through the reflection in the mirror, saw them sneaking the suitcases in here.”
“I hope you don’t mind. They’re trying to give us a nice start on our marriage.”
“I don’t mind, Evan.”
They slipped into a companionable silence, Evan’s gaze concentrating on the flickering flames in the fireplace.
“Charlie,” he said suddenly, with a trace of urgency in his voice, “was this wedding my mother planned to your liking? I know you had different plans and she came in and took over.”
“Evan, the wedding couldn’t have been lovelier. To be honest, I had mixed feelings about it at first. But after arriving here and seeing how beautifully everything was decorated and orchestrated, I was glad she had taken over.”
Evan smiled in relief. “I wanted you to have the wedding you always envisioned, Charlie. I’m glad my mother’s organizing was to your pleasing. She’s always loved to plan parties and gatherings, and she’s always lamented that she didn’t have a daughter for whom to plan a wedding. It was sort of like an unattainable dream for her.”
“I like your mother, and I’m glad she gave us such a beautiful wedding. We’ll always have good memories of this day no matter what happens.”
“What do you mean by ‘no matter what happens’?”
“You know as well as I do that we didn’t marry for love. Marriage is hard enough for people who do love each other. It will be doubly challenging for us.”
Evan clenched his jaw, perturbed that she had such a cynical view of their marriage. Of course, she was right it was going to be challenging. Any marriage was, but to hear her talk about it so unfeelingly like it was a mere contract, made him feel hollow.
“We’ll just have to work doubly hard on it, won’t we?” he asked with a discernable edge in his voice.
Charlie’s eyes widened, surprised that she’d angered him, but she chose to say nothing. It wouldn’t do to start their marriage off on a sour note.
Again they slipped into silence, but this time there was a certain heaviness in the air. The atmosphere around them seemed to crackle and pop with tension.
Charlie shifted uneasily, suddenly wishing this day to be over. Things were not going good between them and now her leg and hip were beginning to throb from the day’s activities.
Evan turned his eyes toward her. “Is your leg hurting? Do you have your pain medication with you? I’ll get it for you if you tell me where it is.”
“I’ll be ok, Evan. I don’t like taking those pills. They make me feel so groggy.”
“Well you need to lay down. I should have made sure you didn’t stand so long.”
“Laying down sounds wonderful.” She then thought of her dress, of it’s long zipper in the back. There was no way she could twist and turn to unzip her dress. “Evan, if you don’t mind, could you get this zipper unzipped on my dress? I can’t reach it…”
&nbs
p; Charlie stood, and Evan came up behind her. He stood unmoving for a moment taking in her faint flowery perfume, her graceful neck. He gently tugged on the zipper, slowly pulling it down her back. He could feel his body tightening, his heart beating faster as the zipper inched lower and lower. His knuckle brushed her warm, creamy skin. It was like a shock going through him. His mouth suddenly went dry. The need to touch her skin with his lips overwhelmed him. Without thinking, he dipped his head and gently kissed her neck, tracing a line of kisses down her neck to her bare shoulder.
Charlie stiffened in alarm, but the pure pleasure of his touch, the sensation of his warm moist lips against her skin caused her to ignore the alarm sounding off in her mind. She hadn’t realized it, but she’d needed this for so long.
She leaned back, pressing her back against his chest, the tingling sensation of his lips against her skin making her weak at the knees. Oh how she loved him!
But he didn’t love her.
The thought was like a cold bucket of water thrown on her.
Reluctantly, she stepped away from him.
“We shouldn’t be doing this,” she avoided his eyes while trying to regain her composure.
He sighed, slowly slipping out of his passion induced daze. “I know. I’m sorry, Charlie. You can’t do anything right now, but in a few more weeks you’ll be ok. We can have our wedding night then.”
Staring into his eyes, Charlie’s eyes filled with sadness.
She shook her head. “We have to keep this in perspective.”
“What do you mean?”
“We need to keep in mind why we married, Evan. It wasn’t for this.”
“Then what was it for?” he bit out, his eyes flashing.
“It was so I could have insurance, security.”
“Is that what you really think?” he asked incredulously.
She stared him down. “Do you love me, Evan? Are you in love with me?”
His silence was his answer. Though she knew what it was going to be, a small part of her had hoped that she would be wrong, that he would surprise her and say, “Yes, I love you, Charlie. With all my heart.”
She carefully schooled her features to not betray her intense hurt and sadness. “Then I have my answer.”
Turning his back to her, he walked over to the fireplace and stared at the flames. “So you’re saying this marriage will be in name only.” Suddenly, he looked up at her, his eyes catching hers. “You don’t want a family?”
Charlie couldn’t mistake the pain and the yearning in his voice. Of course she wanted to have a family, but she wanted to bring a child into a home filled with love. He or she deserved that much. She couldn’t consciously become pregnant with Evan’s child knowing he didn’t love her.
“We can be best friends again.”
“Best friends?” he asked incredulously in almost a shout. “That phase of our relationship is long gone.”
“But we can get it back if we both work hard enough.”
“No we can’t. Besides, I don’t want to go back. I enjoyed the physical side of our relationship. Didn’t you?”
“Yes, but I can’t go back to that. I’m not ready.” You don’t love me. The knowledge would eat me alive.
“When will you be ready, Charlie?
A bitter laugh escaped from him when she failed to answer. “This is one hell of a wedding night, being told by my new bride that I’ll never make love to her. One hell of a wedding gift, don’t you think, Charlie?” Looking at her pointedly, his angry eyes pinning hers, he said in a deathly low voice, “I’m a man with needs, Charlie. Sexual needs. What am I to do? Perhaps I need to find someone to satisfy them.”
She forced herself to look away from him. She couldn’t bare the thought of him with another woman, of him kissing her, caressing her tenderly with his hands, of his making love to her. Charlie’s stomach churned at the thought.
Charlie heard the door open, then close. She was such an idiot, she thought angrily. She’d hurt him deeply. His eyes had said it all.
Instead of making things easier for them by clumsily outlining the terms of their marriage, she’d complicated everything beyond repair by refusing to sleep with him. She all but pushed him into the arms of another woman.
Would he seek out another woman? Have a mistress? Would he have a child with her?
A bitter sob escaped from deep within her. At that moment, she felt like the stupidest person in the world.
****
Evan took a sip of beer then set the dark bottle back down on the counter top, fingering the small droplets of water that had formed on the cool surface.
Filled with rage, he’d stormed out of their room four hours ago. Then he’d driven around for an hour or so just thinking. Thinking about Charlie, his decision to marry her, their life together.
With nothing better to do, he’d stopped at a local bar and grill to drink a beer and sort his thoughts. He was still in the same seat three hours later, sitting at the bar nursing a beer while he watched television.
When he proposed, he had acted spontaneously, not thinking the consequences through. He had acted totally out of character. Now he was afraid that he’d made the biggest mistake of his life. Looking at the situation now, he grimly realized they had no future together. How could they? She wanted no part of him. She didn’t want to make love to him. She didn’t want to have his children. She’d married him for health insurance and financial security.
He felt like the worlds biggest chump. Though in all fairness, when he proposed to her he did put it in the financial reason context. But he thought there would be much more to their marriage than that - a happy life together, companionship, having children. That had been his intention. He’d thought she’d forgiven him, that she still loved him. Perhaps he should’ve asked before he had proposed.
It was too late now.
It all had blown up in his face. Instead of looking forward to years of happiness, they were looking at years of misery. Charlie not wanting an intimate relationship was not a shock to his ego, but was a deathblow to his heart, like someone had reached into his chest and yanked it out. His pain was that great.
What should he do?
He honestly didn’t know. Thinking was hard enough. Thinking clearly was virtually impossible.
Perhaps they could get an annulment. But what would that do to Charlie? Why should he even care?
A brunette, who had been sitting across the bar from him, made her way around the bar and slipped into the seat next to him.
“It’s a lonely night, isn’t it?”
Evan looked up into a face of peachy cream skin and blue eyes and swallowed hard. “It is.”
“You from around here?”
He took another sip of beer. “St. Louis.”
“Business or pleasure?
Looking up to the television, feeling very uncomfortable with the way she was looking at him, he said, “I’m here on, uh, business.” Why didn’t he tell her he’d just gotten married? Because happily married men don’t spend their wedding night sitting alone in a bar.
“We all need a little pleasure now and again.”
His eyes shot to hers. There was no mistaking her invitation. He’d be lying to say there wasn’t a single second of temptation, but he couldn’t. He’d married Charlie. For better or for worse. He’d made vows to be faithful and true to her. He couldn’t break those vows, not now anyway, not ever. He just had to give her time, give their marriage a chance.
“I’m married.”
“It’s my experience that happily married men don’t frequent bars at one o’clock in the morning.”
He took another sip of beer. “That may or may not be true but I don’t cheat on my wife.”
Evan grabbed his coat off the back of his chair. “It’s about time I head back to the hotel.”
She cocked her head to the side. “Alone?”
“Alone.”
He shrugged on his jacket, laid a few bills on the countertop and headed fo
r the door. He couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
It was a relief when he arrived back at their suite. He slipped into the room hoping to avoid waking Charlie.
It was dark except for the fire in the fireplace.
“Evan?”
“Yes?”
“I was worried about you.”
“Well, I’m here Charlie.”
He grabbed some pillows off the bed.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m going to sleep on the floor.”
“Sleep on the bed. It’s cold on the floor.”
“Charlie, how can we work this out?”
“I don’t know. Perhaps if we sleep on it things will be clearer in the morning. Please sleep in the bed. It’s big enough for four people.”
Charlie looked away as he stripped out of his clothes. A few moments later he sat on the edge of the bed, the feather mattress dipping. Even though there were only a few inches separating them, they might as well have been miles apart.
After Evan lay down, emptiness filled his heart, still feeling the pain of Charlie’s rejection. The pain he was feeling wasn’t because he’d been horny and couldn’t do anything about it. It was because he longed for Charlie, for the intimacy with her, the physical closeness and the emotional connection he needed with her. He briefly thought of that woman in the bar. He could have slept with her, but he had no desire to do so. The only desire he had was for his wife.
What About Charlie? Page 19