Evan turned his back to her and looked out over the green corn fields. “I wasn’t thinking about having sex, Charlie.” He turned to look at her. “I wanted to make love to you, Charlie. And whether you realize it or not, there is a real difference. You’re right that companionship, respect, and communication are important aspects of marriage. Well, making love is just as important. We have to start somewhere. Where do you suggest we start? I drove all the way here from St. Louis to see you, hoping that we can settle things, perhaps start over. Well, I’m trying to bridge the gap between us. Obviously, this is not what you had in mind. I’m tired, Charlie. Tired of being tied in fuckin’ knots,” he sneered, his face twisting. “When you finally realize what you want, tell me. Just tell me so we can both get on with our lives with or without each other.”
Before she could reply, he had descended down the porch steps, making his way on foot down the dirt drive.
Chapter 22
Charlie listened intently for Evan’s return. He’d been gone for two hours and she was beginning to worry. Where could he have gone on foot out in the middle of nowhere? What if he’d gone off the road and gotten lost?
Now, Charlie, she told herself, don’t get melodramatic. He’s simply taking a long walk, blowing off steam. That’s all.
Putting her head in her hands, Charlie shook her head, wondering how this time with Evan, which she had held so much promise, could be the beginnings of a disaster. She’d wanted them to get along, to talk, to get to the root of their problems, but in the end they reverted back to usual – her pulling away and his getting angry.
Charlie thought about that for several long seconds, putting herself in Evan’s shoes and also thinking of the times he’d pulled away from her in times of intimacy. It’d hurt deeply when he turned away from her. She supposed Evan hurt just as deeply when she turned away from him. Why hadn’t she realized that earlier?
Hearing the front door open and close, Charlie rushed from the kitchen to the hallway.
“Evan, I was worried. You’ve been gone for a couple hours.”
He shoved his hand through his hair. “Sorry, Charlie. The time seemed to fly by.”
“I’m sorry, Evan.”
“Sorry for what?”
“For never taking your feelings into account.”
“Aw, hell, Charlie. I’m guilty of the same thing. I suppose we’ve never adjusted to being married, adjusted to thinking about someone else.”
“Evan, you remember Mr. And Mrs. Harvey? They own the neighboring farm and have leased the property from me? They are having a small, informal potluck dinner at their home tonight. A few of the neighboring farm families will be there, too. They’ve invited us. I accepted on your behalf wanting the neighbors to meet you…perhaps I shouldn’t have. I can call and give our apologies…”
He shook his head. “No, Charlie. I would very much like to go this evening and meet our neighbors.”
“Our neighbors sounds nice, doesn’t it?”
He smiled, feeling more positive about his life in a long time. “Yes, Charlie, it does.”
****
Charlie smiled, feeling warm, and, yes, perhaps happy, as she stood by Evan, her hand lightly clasped in his, as he conversed with one of her, no their neighbors. Evan surprised her with the ease he had fit in. She’d been worried that he’d be out of place, but just the opposite was true. He seemed to fit right in, listening, asking questions. Who would have thought Evan, a Boston blue blood, Harvard graduate, would be comfortably socializing with a group of Iowa farmers?
She felt almost giddy. She’d introduced him to her neighbors, and he’d been absolutely charming. Not only that, he’d yet to let go of her hand since they’d arrived. Charlie had the feeling he was reluctant to let her go. Was it because he was among strangers and wanted her there with him for support? Or was it because he simply enjoyed her being with him?
Watching him, Charlie got the feeling that he simply enjoyed holding her hand, having her beside him. Truth be told, she was enjoying it immensely herself. This was the first time she’d truly felt married to him, like he cherished her, wanted her to be with him. There was no one present who knew the circumstances of their marriage. It was a relief, a chance for them to truly act like a couple, to put the past behind them.
There were several couples present and long tables were set up for eating on the Harvey’s front lawn under the shade of their oak trees. Everyone was laughing, talking. The night was slightly warm, but a light breeze blew, cooling everything off. Looking over the crowd of faces, she’d mentally checked off each person in her mind. Evan had been introduced to everyone. He was now in a deep conversation with Charles Rich, another neighboring farmer. They were talking about farm prices of all things.
She leaned close to Evan, his aftershave assailing her nostrils. “Evan, Charles, if you two will excuse me? I’m going to see if Mrs. Harvey needs any assistance.”
Charles nodded and Evan smiled, winking at her. Was this the same Evan she’d married? He was actually being playful. The old Evan, the Evan who’d been her best friend, was still there!
They sat beside each other during supper conversing with each other as well as the people sitting beside them. Afterwards, the barn doors opened and a band materialized.
“Evan, there will be dancing,” she said, her eyes wide with excitement. “Will it be ok for me to dance? It won’t hurt my hip will it?”
He put his arm around her shoulder and gave her a reassuring squeeze. “You’ll be just fine. Just remember you don’t have the balance you once did since your leg is slightly shorter than the other.”
“I won’t forget. It’s been so long since I’ve danced. I can’t wait!” She looked up into his face. “Evan, I’ve accepted my hip and leg for what it is. I don’t have any false illusions about it. It’s time I start living with this instead of hoping that it will get better and do noting to improve my quality of life. When we get back to St. Louis, I want to find someone to add height to my shoe so I won’t need to use that stupid cane to walk.”
Evan took her face in his hands, not caring that it was an incredibly tender act and all were watching them. “I will help you any way I can, Charlie. Just tell me what you need and I will be there.”
The music started. Evan grabbed Charlie’s hand. “Let’s go dancing.”
****
Charlie was breathless. She’d danced every dance tonight with Evan except for two. Mr. Harvey danced with her for one song, Mr. Rich another. Her hip ached just a little, but she kept that to herself. If Evan knew, he’d insist that she sit down, but she didn’t want the evening to end. She wanted the magic to last forever. Of course it couldn’t, but she wanted it to last as long as possible.
To Charlie’s disappointment, two dances later the band began packing up. She and Evan pitched in and helped Mr. and Mrs. Harvey fold up the tables and chairs and put away the leftover food.
Charlie stood by the car door waiting on Evan. He was talking to Mr. Harvey about knee replacement surgery. Charlie smiled, so happy that Evan was fitting in.
“Mrs. Collier?”
Charlie turned. It was Mrs. Mae Turner. Charlie had been introduced to her and her husband earlier in the evening.
“Yes?”
“May I speak to you about something?” She hesitated and looked over her shoulder. “About something somewhat private?”
Mrs. Turner had lowered her voice. Charlie immediately realized the darkness gave them a sense of privacy though they were only several yards away from the other guests.
“Of course.” What could she possibly want?
She came to stand close to Charlie, her voice almost a whisper. “Your father and I were very close friends. I was away when he died and was unable to offer my condolences and attend the funeral.”
“Thank you,” Charlie murmured, feeling that was not the purpose of this conversation. Why the need for whispering, the darkness to conceal them for mere condolences?
“Hen
ry was very special to me.” She looked Charlie in the eye. “Very special. And I believe I held a special place in his heart as well.”
Staring at her in disbelief, Charlie merely nodded. There was no mistaking the meaning of Mrs. Turner’s words.
“Several years ago I gave him a token of my affection, a gold pocket watch, with an inscription on the inside of the lid. Perhaps you’ve come across it?”
Charlie ignored her question, feeling cold though the night air was warm. “What is it that you want, Mrs. Turner?” she asked coldly.
“I was wondering if I could have the watch back,” she continued in a whisper. “I know it’s now yours and it’s awfully bold and rude of me to ask, but that watch was a connection between he and I. You see we exchanged tokens of our affections, symbols of our love for each other. It was wrong, as I am married, but we could not deny our feelings.” Mrs. Turner’s voice broke and she took a deep breath, stifling a sob. “Please consider my request, Mrs. Collier.”
Charlie nodded. “I will look for it.” She searched the woman’s eyes. “If I find it, how should I contact you?”
“I will phone you in a couple days. Thank you, my dear.”
The older woman turned and hurried into Mrs. Harvey’s home through the back door, no doubt going to the bathroom to give herself the opportunity to compose herself before anyone could see her.
***
“Charlie, there you are.”
Evan closed the front door behind him and sat beside her on the top porch step.
“It’s a beautiful night.” The skies were clear, the stars bright. A breeze still blew, cooling the air.
“Yes, it is.”
Evan tilted his head to the side and looked at her. “Is everything ok? Didn’t you have a good time tonight?”
Turning her head, she looked up at Evan and smiled. “I had a wonderful time tonight. I was wishing it would never end.”
“Then what’s wrong?”
She held out a clasped hand to him and opened it.
He picked up the object in her hand. “A pocket watch.”
“Yes, it was daddy’s. Mrs. Turner gave it to him several years ago.”
Evan raised his right eyebrow. “Isn’t that a rather personal gift for a married woman to give to a man who is not her husband?”
“Exactly,” Charlie said levelly. “They were having an affair, Evan. My daddy was having an affair with a married woman! I’m still in shock.”
“How did you find out?”
“While I was standing by the car waiting for you, Mrs. Turner came to talk to me. She asked for the watch back.” Charlie laughed in despair. “Apparently they had exchanged tokens of their love and this watch was her gift to him.”
“Are you going to give it back to her?”
“I don’t know. Apparently my dad loved her, but it’s hard for me to accept that my dad was having an affair with a married woman. I thought I knew him. What upsets me most is the thought that perhaps I never knew him, my own father.”
Evan wrapped his arms around her and drew her to his chest. “I don’t think we ever truly know the people we’re closest to, though we may like to think so. Hell, it’s hard enough to know yourself let alone come to know someone else.”
Charlie pulled back from him and looked up into his face.
“That’s pathetic, isn’t it?”
“No, that’s being human. We’re all human, Charlie. We’re all different. We all handle our feelings differently. And we all keep things from the ones closest to us. Your dad kept the relationship with Mrs. Turner from you because he knew you’d be upset. Perhaps he kept it from you because he couldn’t understand it himself. I’ve kept things from my family. I’m still keeping things from my family. It’s things that aren’t any of their business. Just like your dad’s relationship with Mrs. Turner was not really any of your business. And you kept information about your relationships from you dad, too. We all do it. It’s the human thing to do.”
“I’ve never known daddy to love another woman besides mom. I knew he saw other women, but he never loved them. I suppose we have no choice with whom we fall in love. It just happens.”
“Will you give her the watch?”
Charlie took a deep breath. “Yes, I think I will. I will respect daddy’s love for her.” Charlie stared out into the darkness. “Evan, I have a question.” Not waiting for a reply, she continued, “Why did you deny who I was to your family? Why did you let them believe I was a man? I don’t think you realize how that hurt me. We were best friends.”
Evan sighed and pinched his brow with his fingertips.
“Male stupidity. Cowardice. I know you’re going to think I’m the biggest loser in the world for saying this, but I was afraid if my parents knew who you were they’d drive me away from you.”
“Because I come from humble means?”
“No. Definitely not that,” he stated forcefully. “My parents, especially my mother, has always pressured me and pressured me to marry. It got to the point where I just kept my private life to myself. There were a few times where I made the mistake of mentioning a female friend to them. After that I was continually hounded about getting married, having a family. It never ended. I vowed never to let them know about my female friends again. Then when I met you, you became such a big part of my life. Literally whatever I did, you were there. And of course, I let your name slip. What was I to do? Fess up and tell them who you were? If I did that, I knew what we had together would be ruined. Their constant meddling would drive me away from you. So, I did the logical thing. I let them think you were a guy. It wasn’t hard with a name like Charlie. They never guessed. Pretty gutless, huh?”
She looked up at him, her face serious. “Yep.” Then her face cracked a huge smile. “One thing I’ve learned over the past few months is that we’re all gutless at times, but what makes us stronger is admitting it and moving forward.”
Lifting his hand, he traced her chin with his fingertip. “I want to move forward, Charlie.”
“So, do I Evan.”
She leaned into him, lightly tasting his lips with her own. “Evan…” she moaned.
He pulled back from her. She looked at him in confusion.
“Charlie, I want you to know that I understand what you were trying to say this afternoon. You were right. There are a lot of other issues that need to be rectified before we can focus on the physical side of our relationship.”
“So, you don’t want to kiss?”
“Hell, yes, I do! Why do you think I was so bent out of shape this afternoon when I arrived? I’d been fantasizing about kissing you for weeks. But I think what I want to do more than anything is just hold you tight against me and fall asleep with you by my side. Remember how I slept with you when I was last here? I’ve missed that so much. In truth, I’ve longed for it, dreamt about it.”
Tenderly, she cupped his cheek. “So have I, Evan.” Her voice choked. “Please hold me tonight.”
****
Charlie opened her eyes, momentarily disoriented. Then she smiled. Evan was here. With her. He was pressed against her, his arm draped over her stomach. Charlie didn’t move for fear of waking him. She wanted to enjoy this moment for as long as she could.
Nothing had happened between them last night. Was she sorry about that? She couldn’t say. Initially, she had wanted something to happen even if it was light kissing and petting. But looking back, it was probably best they hadn’t. They needed to regain and cultivate the emotional closeness they once had. Physical closeness could come later though she longed for it. Everything had it’s time and place.
Evan longed for it to. Last night as they lay there pressed against each other, she could feel his hardness against her buttocks. She’d wanted to roll over and kiss him and touch him, take him in her hand and rub her hand up and down the smooth skin of his shaft. She said nothing and neither did Evan. Instead, they lay there cuddled and talked. Really talked as they had not done in months, perhaps even long b
efore her accident, before they’d become lovers. They talked about his family, mutual friends, his medical practice and articles he’d read in medical journals. The one topic they didn’t talk about was their relationship. They both shied away from it. Perhaps they both instinctively knew it wasn’t time – let them enjoy the here and now, relax, become comfortable with each other once again without the added pressure of figuring out their future.
It could work between them, Charlie thought. They could have a happy life together if only they tried. But if and only if she was sure of Evan’s love. She couldn’t stay married to him without it. Did he love her? He’d never said. But in fairness to Evan, he wasn’t a man to express his feelings in such a manner. He was the type to let his actions speak louder than words and he’d stuck by her through good times and bad. That in itself spoke volumes.
Evan stirred. His arms tightened around her. She rolled on her back so she could look in his eyes.
He gave her a sleepy smile. “Good morning, Charlie.”
“Happy birthday, Evan. It’s your special day today.”
“Thanks, Charlie. If right now is any indication, this is going to be my best birthday in a long, long time. It feels like heaven lying here like this, doesn’t it?”
What About Charlie? Page 26