by A J Jarrett
Holden’s cock twitched with the way his thoughts were heading. He couldn’t help it. Ever since he kissed Ethan, he couldn’t get the man out of his mind or his system. Holden was so close to caving and begging Ethan to make love to him again, to love him with every ounce of his soul, but Holden wasn’t a glutton for punishment either. And he didn’t want to pressure Ethan into something he either wasn’t ready for or didn’t want. Holden was a good man and he deserved to be loved, and he wouldn’t settle for second best, not even for Ethan.
“Wait. I take that back.” Holden rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet. “I am picking my nephew up from school this afternoon and taking him for an early dinner.”
“Oh, I see.” Ethan stood up straight and opened his car do as if to leave. “Then maybe we can talk another time.”
“Ethan, wait!” Holden reached out and grabbed a hold of the door. “It’s like ten in the morning. Carson doesn’t get out of school until 3:30. I’ve got plenty of time if you want to talk.”
Ethan looked from his car then back to Holden. He gave him a stiff nod and shut the door. Holden turned around and led the way up to his house.
“This is a nice place,” Ethan said from behind him.
“Thanks.” Holden glanced over his home. It was a single-story two-bedroom house with a wraparound porch. It wasn’t much, but he didn’t need much. He liked things to be simple and he had Jensen design his home for his comfort. Holden liked a lot of natural light, so Jensen had drawn up the plans to have windows on every outer wall. He’d had the house painted white with dark green accents for the trim. The inside of his house was more of the same. The wooden floors that ran throughout the house were a light golden color, the walls were painted a soft white, and there was plush beige furniture. It was his dream home and now he was dying to know what Ethan thought of it. Was it a place he could see himself living?
“Here, have a seat.” Holden pulled out a chair for Ethan. “Would you like something to drink? Coffee, water, tea?”
“Water would be great.”
Holden grabbed a bottle from the fridge and handed to Ethan. Ethan opened the lid and took a drink and Holden sat quietly, watching his mate. When Ethan still made no attempt to say anything, Holden cracked.
“Why are you here, Ethan?”
“I came to apologize for my behavior the other night.” Holden figured as much. “You didn’t do anything wrong and I feel awful for running away like I did.” Ethan snorted. “I’m starting to sound like a broken record, always having to apologize for my behavior.”
“Yeah, you are.” Holden leaned back in his chair. “Would you care to explain to me what happened? Was it something I did?”
Ethan traced a pattern on the table with his finger, not looking up at Holden when he spoke. “It was what you said.” Ethan looked up at Holden, his eyes turning red from unshed tears. “You called me your mate and I panicked.”
“Why?” Holden had to fist his hands to keep from reaching out to touch Ethan. He wanted to take his mate’s pain away but he needed to know what exactly his pain was. If he touched Ethan and he wasn’t ready for it, he might bolt for the door.
“Remember when you asked me why I did those things to Jensen and Josh when I first met them?” Holden nodded. “And I said it was because I lost someone.” Holden nodded again, clinging to every word Ethan said.
“Who did you lose?” Holden’s voice cracked as he asked. He had a bad feeling about what the next words were going to be coming out of Ethan’s mouth.
“The man I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with.” Ethan’s voice had grown hoarse and the dam on his tears broke. “His name was Jay. He was my everything.”
Holden couldn’t move. A part of him was riddled with jealousy over a faceless man he’d never met, but another piece of him wanted to wrap Ethan in his arms and promise to find this Jay and bring him back just so Ethan would be happy again. The pain to his own heart be damned. He couldn’t stand to watch Ethan suffer.
“Can you tell me what happened to him?” Holden reached out his hand and rested it on top of Ethan’s.
“He was murdered.” A loud laugh erupted from Ethan’s mouth and shocked Holden. It wasn’t a joyous sound, but one laced with pain and sorrow. “The fucker who robbed him thought roughing him up wasn’t good enough, so he shot Jay in the head. He left him alone and bleeding on the dirty concrete like Jay was nothing more than a piece of garbage.” Ethan’s voice cracked and tears fell freely from his eyes and his nose began to run. “I still can’t understand how one human being could do that to another. It doesn’t make any sense.” Ethan pulled his hand away from Holden’s and brought them up to cradle his face.
The other night Ethan had told Holden he lost someone but he hadn’t said it was due to death or, in Jay’s case, murder.
What the fuck am I going to do? Holden ran a hand down his face. It was obvious that Ethan had been madly in love with Jay. How could Holden ever compete with that? Not that he had to, but losing a loved one to a violent death was something Holden had firsthand knowledge of. His father had his sister murdered and Holden knew no one could ever replace her in his heart. He missed her every day and she was only his sister. Holden could only imagine if it were Ethan that he had lost. That was a thought he didn’t want to dwell on.
“Then when you said we were mates.” Ethan wiped a hand over his eyes, smearing his tears across his cheek. “I couldn’t help but think, what if I lost you, too? Just the mere thought nearly brought me to my knees. I wanted to rip my heart out of my chest.” Ethan slammed his fist against his heart. “The way I feel about you, and if something were to happen to you, I wouldn’t be able to survive that. Do you understand that, Holden? I’d rather die than live without you,” Ethan whispered so low Holden could barely hear it over the sound of his pulse pounding in his ears. “I’m falling in love with you. No matter how hard I try to deny it, and trust me, I have. I never thought I could feel this way about another person again, but here I am.” Ethan held his arms out to the side. “Falling head over ass in less than three days. Maybe I am just plum crazy.” He swiped a hand under his left eye so hard he slapped the skin. “Then there’s this guilt I feel inside.” He clutched at his chest. “As if I’m betraying Jay by loving you.”
He’s in love with me. Holden’s eyes began to water. Ethan admitting he loved him was half the battle. He wasn’t sure how to help his mate overcome his fear of losing him, but Holden would find a way. He had to.
“If you’re crazy then so am I.” Holden got up from his seat and went to kneel in front of Ethan. “I knew the moment I met you that you were mine.” Holden smiled. “I could see my forever in your eyes. Don’t let what happened in your past spoil what could be our future together.” Holden took a deep breath, trying to steady his trembling hands. “I know I can never replace Jay and you shouldn’t feel bad about moving on. I’m not asking you to forget your life you shared with him, but do you think there might be room in your heart for me?” Holden held his breath while he waited for Ethan to answer. He could see his mate struggling with his answer.
“Holden.” Ethan shook his head from side to side. “I want to let you in but I’m so terrified of losing someone else I love. I’m not lying when I say my heart can’t go through that again. I’m not strong enough.”
“Baby.” Holden cupped his hands on either side of Ethan’s face. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Jay thought the same thing but look what happened to him.”
“Ethan, I can’t promise nothing bad will ever happen, just like you can’t promise me that nothing will ever happen to you.” Holden stroked his thumb under Ethan’s eye, wiping away the runaway tear. “Life’s a gamble. Every day is a new adventure to be had. If we’re afraid to live then we’ll never experience all the good things that are right in front of us, just waiting for us to grab onto.” Holden came up on his knees and brushed a gentle kiss over Ethan’s lips. “Baby, you can’t lock you
rself away in a self-imposed prison because you’ll be taking away my chance of happiness. Please don’t punish me.”
Ethan leaned forward and rested his forehead against Holden’s, his eyes clenched tight. “I’m so afraid, Holden.”
“Don’t be.” Holden pulled back to place a kiss on each of Ethan’s closed eyelids. “I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.”
A renewed set of tears dripped from Ethan’s swollen eyes. Ethan fell to his knees, sending his chair sliding across the floor, and wrapped his arms around Holden’s waist, squeezing him tight. “I want so desperately to believe that.” Ethan sobbed into Holden’s shoulder.
“Then do. Believe in me. Believe in us.” Holden ran his hands up and down Ethan’s back. He could feel his mate’s body shake as he cried.
Ethan pulled back from Holden’s hold. He stared into Holden’s eyes and nodded his head, then rushed forward and covered Holden’s mouth with his own, kissing the very breath from his lungs. Holden wound his arms around Ethan’s neck and let his mate take control. Ethan reached under the hem of Holden’s shirt, curled his fingers, and scraped them down Holden’s back, no doubt leaving thin red lines in their wake, but Holden didn’t care. Ethan was running on pure emotion and Holden wanted Ethan to claim him body and soul. To make love to him and know it was for real.
Holden opened his mouth wider to accommodate Ethan’s probing tongue. He ran his fingers through Ethan’s hair, holding him close. He could feel the heat coming off of Ethan and he wanted to sink into his body.
Ethan sat back and yanked Holden’s shirt over his head and threw it to the side. Holden put a hand to Ethan’s chest as he started to lean back toward him. Holden reached for the bottom of Ethan’s shirt and lifted it up his body and over his head. He then leaned forward and kissed along Ethan’s neck, working his way down to the center of Ethan’s chest, and rubbed his cheek along the heated flesh over Ethan’s heart.
“I love you so much, Ethan.” Holden knew without a doubt he was a goner where Ethan was concerned. He’d love this man until the day he died and never crave another’s touch. Holden sat up and met Ethan’s eyes.
Ethan’s breath came out in heavy gasps. His eyes dropped to Holden’s lips and Holden moved forward, closing the distance between them. The kiss started out slow and gentle but quickly moved to hard and rough, and they both pawed at each other’s bare chest.
Holden went for the button on Ethan’s jeans and popped it free, then lowered the zipper. He shoved his hands in the back of Ethan’s pants, pushing them and his briefs down as he grasped onto the hard muscles of Ethan’s ass. Ethan’s cock was freed and he pressed it against Holden’s covered length, grinding them together.
It wasn’t long before Ethan had Holden’s shorts unfastened and pulled off his body. They lay naked on his kitchen floor impatiently kissing each other. With each nip and scrap of Ethan’s teeth against the sensitive tissue of his lips, Holden moaned louder and louder. He lifted his legs to wrap around Ethan’s hips. The head of Ethan’s cock grazed the skin right underneath his balls, smearing the sticky pre-cum that leaked out the tip of Ethan’s cock.
Ethan thrust his hips forward, applying light pressure to Holden’s back entrance. Holden arched into Ethan’s touch and felt the slight quivering of his puckered entrance.
Holden knew he should suggest they go to his bedroom, but he didn’t want to break the moment to tell Ethan to stop. As if reading his mind, Ethan shimmed down Holden’s body and pushed Holden’s legs up to his chest. Holden bent his knees and held them tight toward his body.
Ethan kissed his way down the back of Holden’s left thigh until Holden could feel his breath caress his skin. Ethan didn’t waste any time. He licked out his tongue and ran it up and down Holden’s crack, paying special attention to his tight hole. Holden moaned and tightened his hold on his legs. Sparks shot from his balls all the way up and down his body until Holden thought he was going to come without even being penetrated.
Ethan sucked and slurped at his hole a few more minutes, pressing his tongue deep inside Holden. Nothing had ever felt so good before. Holden had experienced rim jobs before, but nothing like what Ethan was doing to him. His smooth tongue caressed and teased his rippled opening, leaving Holden a crying, begging mess.
“Ethan, please,” Holden panted, his eyes squeezed tight as he did his best to hold off his orgasm.
As Ethan moved up his body, Holden let his thighs fall open, making room for Ethan. Ethan hovered over Holden, resting his weight on his elbows on either side of Holden’s head. He held Holden’s stare as he worked his hips forward until his cock broke through Holden’s wet hole, sliding to the hilt in one slow thrust. Holden’s body opened for Ethan, welcoming him home.
They moved as one in a nice, slow rhythm, kissing each other passionately. Holden ran his hands down Ethan’s back and gripped his ass cheeks in each hand, urging him forward. The fire brewing in his balls roared out of control. He needed Ethan hard and fast and now.
“Harder,” Holden pleaded.
Ethan pumped his hips faster. Their sweat-covered bodies smacked together so hard, the sound echoing in the kitchen.
Holden’s cock grew harder. It rubbed against the hard muscles of Ethan’s stomach. The washboard abs were like a caress of fingers lightly over his length, beckoning him closer to his release. The broad tip of Ethan’s penis brushed against Holden’s sweet spot, making him see stars as he clenched his eyes tightly together. It only took three more hard stabs of Ethan’s cock pummeling into Holden for him to come in a loud shout. Hot cum rushed out his swollen tip, splashing between their bodies. His channel out of reflex grabbed onto Ethan’s retreating cock, trying to keep him deep inside Holden’s body.
Ethan reared back, then came forward so hard Holden felt like he was going to rip in half. Ethan buried his face into Holden’s neck and screamed out his release. Hot spurts of cum filled Holden’s stretched hole, causing another small orgasm to be wrung from his balls. His body jerked and he gasped to catch his breath.
“I love you, too,” Ethan whispered into Holden’s neck. “I want to be with you.”
Holden smiled so wide he thought his face would crack. It wasn’t proof that all of Ethan’s fears had been chased away, but it was a start. They could build from this point on and he could show Ethan that what they shared was worth all the risks involved.
Chapter Ten
After they made love in the kitchen, they peeled themselves up off the floor and went to Holden’s bedroom. They lounged around holding each other and kissing until they fell asleep. Around 12:30, Holden’s growling stomach woke him up and he went into the kitchen to make sandwiches, then carried them back into his room.
While they ate, Ethan told him more about Jay, how they met, how he proposed. Jay sounded like a good man who was deserving of Ethan’s love and affection. They had four happy years together before Jay had been murdered. The subject was still hard for Ethan to talk about, but it seemed like it was getting easier for him to open up to Holden.
“Do you really think Jay would be happy for me?” Ethan asked as he stared down at his half-eaten sandwich.
Holden could see the sadness in Ethan’s eyes, and that was to be suspected. It was survivor’s guilt. He had felt the same after his sister’s death and that was the main reason he sought out Carson and Noah. Being around loved ones helped ease the pain of being happy that he had survived.
“Granted, I didn’t know Jay.” Holden scooted closer to Ethan and wrapped his arm around his lover’s waist. “But he sounded like a really great guy. I think he’d want you to be happy and find love again.”
“That’s what I keep trying to convince myself of but it’s just really hard.” A soft sob came from Ethan just before he turned into Holden’s embrace. “I thought we’d be together forever, then he died.” Ethan looked up into Holden’s eyes. “Then I meet you and I feel guilt for falling in love with you and guilt for feeling bad about it. You deserve to be loved with all
my heart and I feel like I’m only giving you half of it.”
“Ah, baby.” Holden brushed his lips over Ethan’s. “Here’s the thing about the heart. It allows us to feel great joy and gut-wrenching sadness.” Holden held up a finger. “But it also allows us to love as much and as often as possible.” Holden rested his palm on Ethan’s chest. “Love is what makes us human. Never feel bad about caring for Jay. I count myself lucky to be loved by you and I think Jay felt the same way. Don’t try to forget your past. It’s what makes you, you, and I love you.”
“You make it sound so easy.” Ethan chuckled.
“It is. Loving is never a bad emotion. And I think the more people we care for and love, the better individuals we become.”
Holden wouldn’t begrudge Jay for the love Ethan still had for him. Jay was his first love and Holden would never wish that away from Ethan. Holden understood that if Jay had never died, he wouldn’t have met Ethan, but no matter what he wouldn’t have wished another person’s death. If Holden never met Ethan then he never would have known what he was missing. But life was full of twist and turns and Holden was grateful for the powers that be that brought Ethan into his life. Holden would spend the rest of his trying to help heal his mate. Heal him from the loss of Jay and his fear of loving others.
“We good?” Holden asked Ethan.
Ethan gnawed on his lower lip as if thinking about what Holden had said. Then with a swift nod he smiled at Holden. “Not completely but I think I’m getting there.”
“Awesome.” Holden rolled off the bed. “We need to get ready to go.”
“Right now?” Ethan whined.
Holden laughed as his mate covered his face with a pillow.
“Yes, we do.” Holden tossed the blankets off his legs and stood up. “We need at least thirty minutes to get to Silver Creek to pick Carson up.” Holden bent over and kissed Ethan’s upturned lips.
“But it’s only 2:15,” Ethan pointed out.