by Lila Munro
Madi took her hands in hers and held them. Then she looked straight into her new friend’s widening eyes.
“Liz, it’s all right. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you this much—Jared is a good man. I’ve known him as long as I did Gage. He’d never do anything to hurt you intentionally and when he commits, he commits.” She hoped she was doing the right thing. “As far as marriage, it isn’t something to be taken lightly. The role of Army wife isn’t an easy one to play, but it has its rewards. Is it scary? Yes, scary as hell. Is it lonely? Yes, lonelier than you think you’ll be able to withstand, sometimes. But the rewards outweigh any misery you’ll endure.” If the man you are with is worth his salt. “If you decide to marry him, cherish him and make every minute you have together count. And never dwell on the what-ifs. Those will drive you crazy, if you let them.”
She hoped she could remember all that when the time came for Rafe to go waltzing back off to war.
* * * *
June passed into July, bringing with it the worst heat Madi ever remembered enduring. Normally, just having endured the disappointment of having had her period would have depressed her, but seeing her sister’s swollen feet stuck in the creek the day before the Fourth made her feel better about not being pregnant. Rafe had taken Aiden and Jared with him to pick up a horse for a friend and that had left the ladies to have two days to do all the girl things they wanted without male interference. That Friday afternoon, that meant sitting on the creek bank with lemonade, watching Nev play in the shallows, talking girl talk to their hearts’ content and planning Meredith’s wedding.
“I’m glad you finally gave in and decided to marry him,” Madi told her sister, flipping through one of dozens of wedding accessories catalogs they had piled around them in the grass. “Are you sure about this orange October thing, though?”
“It isn’t orange, it’s tangerine, and yes I’m sure.” Meredith looked crossly at her sister and adjusted her feet in the water.
“Well, it doesn’t seem to me it will go very well with his dress blues,” Liz piped up. “When Jared and I do this thing we’re going with the whole red and blue theme.”
“Well, good for you,” Meredith shot back. “But I’m not into the whole patriotic overboard mess. I’ll have a lifetime to deal with the dutiful wife billet, but October 21st is my day and I’m going to have tangerine if it is the last thing I do.”
“We’ll see,” Madi interceded. “If I remember correctly, when you were pregnant with Nev, you were changing your mind about everything, every few hours. By October you’ll be wearing a black wedding dress and Ozzy Osbourne will be the guest musician.”
Liz burst out laughing and Meredith gave her a push sending her headlong into the water. Madi couldn’t help but laugh as well at Liz floundering around with her hair stuck all over her face like a mass of seaweed and before she knew it Liz had pulled her in. Nev was soon sending plumes of water over them both with her two-handed splashing. The only person not laughing was Meredith who sat quite content on her perch, perusing another catalog.
* * * *
“So, what time is Meredith supposed to be back?” Julia asked Madi, as she secured another streamer from a dining chair to the wall.
“I told her to be back by seven, the girls are supposed to start showing up around six thirty.” Madi pushed the wrinkles out of the tangerine tablecloth she’d mananged to find just for Meredith’s bridal shower.
“I hope by the time we have the baby shower, there will be reason for us to celebrate twice.”
“Don’t get your hopes up, Mama. I am beginning to wonder if I can get pregnant.” Madi set a basket of paper goods on the end of the table and began to arrange plates, cup, and plastic utensils along one end.
“Madi, don’t talk like that. You’ve only been trying a few weeks.”
“I know that, but with Shannon it only took the one time not being careful, and Rafe and I have been trying like rabbits.” She started back into the kitchen with Julia on her heels.
“Well, you are older now, and maybe you are trying too hard, maybe you’re putting too much pressure on yourself and the stress of dwelling on it has something to do with it,” Julia offered. “Maybe you should quit trying and let things take their due course.”
“Maybe you’re right; I just want to keep him happy. And I think a baby would make him happy.”
“Madi, you have to quit comparing him to Gage and your father.” Julia took her daughter’s chin with her forefinger and pulled her head up to look her in the eyes. “He’s neither of them and he’s a good man. I don’t think you being pregnant has any bearing on his happiness, just having you seems to have done the trick. If I learned anything in all those years with your father, marriage is a fifty-fifty highway and your happiness matters just as much as his. Granted I never got my fifty percent’s worth, but I know that’s how it’s supposed to work.”
Madi smiled at her mother. She was right of course. She dwelled constantly on what would keep Rafe happy, trying to keep the waters still. Not wanting to have a repeat of her first marriage, she was forever devising ways to please her new husband and keep his attention. She cooked all his favorite foods, kept a spotless house, and checked with him before she did anything or made any decisions. She even went so far as to ask before spending a cent of their money in spite of the fact that he’d given her control of the bank accounts. Subconsciously she’d been placating him the way she had Gage for ten years. Maybe in the back of her mind she still didn’t completely trust him and was afraid the least little mistake would cause him to start ignoring her and going out with his friends, instead of staying home to coddle her.
“So, is that how it works between you and Duncan? All fifty-fifty?” Madi smiled, knowing her mother was smitten with Rafe’s master gunnery sergeant. They were another happily-ever-after in the making.
“No, it does not,” Julia mused. “It’s more seventy-thirty…in my favor of course.”
Madi laughed and kept pouring mixed nuts into a delicate crystal bowl. “Good, you deserve to be spoiled, Mama. I think he’s good for you.”
“So do I.”
* * * *
“Well, Rafe, how are you finding married life?” Aiden teased his friend as they drove west from Hopkinsville, trying make up for the time they’d lost changing a tire on the horse trailer.
“Why, are you getting cold feet already?” Rafe accused back. “You need a few reasons to go through with it?”
“Hell no. I love Meredith and I can’t wait to see her waddling around in a few months all round and sassy.”
“Yeah, Rafe, when are you going to finally get Madi pregnant?” Jared prodded.
Rafe fell silent and pushed his cap back. He didn’t know what the problem was, but he did know that for the last two months, he’d hated for that time of the month to come and see the look of dismay on his wife’s face. It was killing him that he couldn’t manage what should be a simple task to make her happy. He glanced around to see both Jared and Aiden staring at him, waiting for an answer.
“Rafe, is something wrong? You two have been trying, right?” Aiden asked in a more serious tone. “Does it have something to do with what happened with Shannon?”
“Yeah, we’re trying; we just haven’t managed to get it done yet. I don’t think it has anything to do with what happened the first time. She saw her doctor and he said everything should be fine. Maybe I’m too old and waited too long to start having kids.”
“What a crock,” Aiden protested. “You’re probably trying too hard. Meredith and I weren’t trying at all and looked what happened.”
“Maybe you’re right. I’m thinking of taking her home to meet my family in August. Maybe getting away would take our minds off of it and take the stress off her. She gets so upset when she finds out we failed again.”
* * * *
Madi and her three closest confidants were all sitting under the expansive oak tree in the front yard, facing the road. Lined up ar
ound Nev’s pool, their feet hung over the sides, soaking in the lukewarm water. Nev lay on her back in the middle, trying to combat the stifling heat.
“Dear God, I hope it cools off before we start cooking,” Madi complained. “This is miserable.”
“I agree.” Liz splashed some more water up her legs. “Maybe we could just eat ice cream and forget it.”
“I’m all for that,” Meredith added with enthusiasm. “A big bowl of cherry vanilla with chocolate sauce…and nuts…and whipped cream.”
“You might as well eat a bag of sugar,” Madi scolded. “Do you want the baby to come out hyperactive?”
“What would you know about it?” Meredith looked as shocked that she’d said it as Madi was at hearing her.
“I suppose nothing. I wasn’t afforded the luxury of knowing what too much sugar causes.” Madi removed her feet and plodded off to the house.
Meredith started to get up and follow, but Julia stopped her.
“Don’t, Meredith. She needs some space. Nothing about Shannon, or trying to get pregnant now is easy for her. Just give her some time, and then let her know you’re sorry.”
“I am sorry, Mama, I need to learn to think before I speak.”
“Yes, you do, but it’s too late this time.” Julia adjusted in her chair and took a drink of her tea. “Like I said, let her cool off, then talk to her.”
As the sun started descending a bit, sending the shade a few degrees in the wrong direction, they all got up and were moving the pool and their chairs when Liz noticed a plume of dust rising above the trees down the road.
“Well, I think they’ve finally returned,” she said, pointing to the horizon.
They all watched as Rafe started backing down the driveway across the road and around the house to the barn.
“Well, this should brighten her day,” Meredith said, starting across the road seeing Aiden coming around the corner of the house.
While they were busy hugging and kissing in the crunchy brown grass, Rafe came across the road leading Cass.
“Where’s Madi?” he questioned Julia, tethering the horse to a low limb on the tree.
“In the house, she and Meredith had a couple of cross words, but she’ll be fine I’m sure. Especially now that her horse is home.” Julia walked over and stroked Cass’ nose.
Rafe marched up the steps, quite pleased with his accomplishment. At least he’d been able to do one thing right for her this month and he hoped it made her as happy to see Cass as it had made him to retrieve the stallion for her.
“Hey, honey,” he said, walking into their room and finding her on her back on the bed with her hand over her forehead. “You doing okay?”
“Sure, peachy,” she spouted, regretting it immediately. Wishing she could bite her tongue in two, she sat up. “I’m sorry. It’s this insufferable heat, I think. How did it go? Were they happy to get their horse?”
“I don’t know yet, I still have him, want to come out and take a look?”
Madi got up and followed Rafe through the house and across the porch. She needed to watch her tongue if she wanted to keep her husband happy. No one wanted to live with a depressed smart ass. Trotting beside him down the steps, she looked up and saw the horse tethered to the oak tree.
“Cass? Rafe, how did you manage to get Cass?” She hurried across the yard and let the horse nudge under her neck, nickering in recognition.
Rafe watched her and wondered if he would have to keep buying horses to fill the absence of a child.
Chapter 10
“So, do you and Rafe have plans for the weekend?” Meredith asked, tucking Nev’s music books in her backpack.
Nev had become a fixture at Madi’s house practically every day since school had let out for the summer and Madi had become pleasantly used to her presence. She wished she would hurry up and get pregnant and was beginning to have serious doubts that she could, despite what her doctor had told her or the encouragement of Liz, Julia, and Meredith. It had only taken one time to conceive Shannon and she and Rafe had been trying for weeks now with no luck.
“Not really.” Madi closed the piano cover and straightened the sheet music sitting atop it. “He has duty tonight and won’t be home until tomorrow morning sometime, and then he’ll probably sleep most of the day.”
“Madi, are you feeling alright?”
“Yes, I’m fine why?”
“You don’t look well.” Meredith stared at Madi’s face intently. “Sweetie, are you pregnant?”
“No, I’m not pregnant.” Madi sighed and sat on the piano bench.
“Are you positive?”
“Yes,” she spat out defensively. “I’m positive, Mother Nature confirmed it this morning.”
“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.”
“I’m sorry, Meredith, it isn’t your fault,” she said her voice catching.
“Oh, Madi, it’s okay. Would you like me to stay with you tonight, so you can sleep? I know I can’t when Aiden pulls duty, now that I’m used to him being there.”
“No, that’s okay. There’s no need in both our men suffering our absence tonight.” She feigned a smile and walked her sister to the door.
No sooner had Meredith pulled out of the driveway, than the UPS man pulled in. He waved and parked right in front of the porch. Wondering what in the world he could be bringing, Madi went down to meet him. She hadn’t ordered anything and couldn’t imagine anyone would be sending her something that required the UPS man to deliver it. After struggling for quite some time, he managed to drag an enormous drab olive green box to the back of his truck and shove it off on a dolly. She began to panic seeing him push the monstrosity toward her. It could only be one thing, but she couldn’t understand why the government had sent it this way. Gage’s personal effects had been lost according to the Army and hadn’t been seen or located for the last several months. If that container did indeed hold his things, an Army representative should have delivered it personally.
“Are you Mrs. Madison Melbourne?” The driver consulted his clipboard as he struggled to get the box up the steps.
“Yes, I am. Well, I used to be, I’m now Madison McCarthy.” Madi was filled with dread as he continued, tugging his load closer and closer to her. “Can you tell me what that is?”
“Nope.” He stopped at the top of the stairs and huffed for air. “It’s from Afghanistan, where do you want it?”
Madi froze and couldn’t find her voice.
“Ma’am, I have other deliveries, where do you want it?” he snapped.
He was the most rude delivery person Madi had ever encountered, yet she couldn’t muster the words to tell him so. This was one of those times Rafe would have wanted her to hand him his ass properly, but she couldn’t find it in herself to do it.
“Can you bring it in for me?” She led him around to the French doors where she figured it would be easier to get in.
“Sure, sure.” He looked more annoyed. “Why the hell didn’t he just have the Army send it home like they usually do, instead of sending it UPS?”
“Because he’s dead. This is the Army’s way of getting it home.” Tears welled up in Madi’s eyes and she just wanted this latest nightmare to go away.
Quietly, and a little more carefully, the man finished pushing the box in and gingerly set it down in her living room.
“I’m very sorry, Mrs. Melbourne, McCarthy, sometimes I forget that others have problems bigger than mine.” With that he was gone.
Five months of grieving and hating him for what he left her with, and three months of happiness, and now this. She realized she should have had him drag it on into the spare room where she kept the rest of Gage’s stuff. Rafe had never begrudged her his presence in the house, and never questioned how she dealt with it all, but what would he think when he came home in the morning and saw a trunk full of another man sitting in the middle of the floor? She wasn’t even sure how she felt about it. Every emotion she thought it was possible to feel swept over her as she tried to fi
gure out if she wanted to look inside or not. She imagined what was there—her letters to him, photos, his diary. Would his diary give her any insight as to why he’d secretly run her into financial ruin? Taking a seat on the couch, she stared at the box, running her hands across the nape of her neck and wondering what to do. Was she ready to know what he’d been thinking?
As if sensing something was wrong with her, Gretchen jumped up on the couch and nudged her.
“I know, girl, I’m not quite normal right now.” She patted the dog on the head. “But we’ll get through it somehow.”
As the sun came up dispersing the shadows in the room the next morning, Madi still sat on the couch with Gretchen’s head in her lap. Figuring Rafe would be along in a couple of hours, she went to the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee, wishing she could go back twelve hours and begin again. Before it finished brewing, she heard someone on the porch. She knew it couldn’t be Rafe, he wasn’t allowed to leave until colors had been posted and the next duty officer had checked in. Feeling like her eyes were full of sand from crying and being awake all night, she went to the door to find Liz standing there, looking as haggard as she felt.
“Liz?” Madi swung the door open and let her in. “What’s wrong?”
“Jared and I had an enormous fight,” she said, moving toward the living room. “I needed to get away from him for a while and here was the only place I could think of to come.”
“Well, that’s okay, I’m glad you consider me a good enough friend to come to.” Madi followed her in the living room and noticed the curious look in Liz’s eyes.
“Madi, what is that?”
“Well, my dear protégé, the Army saw fit to send Gage’s personal effects by UPS yesterday evening.” A fresh round of tears developed. “Isn’t that just peachy? His stuff was lost for months and this is the best they could do.”
“Why is it here, in the middle of the living room?”
“Because the man who brought it was an ass, and this is as far as it got.” Madi took another tissue from the box on the table and blew her nose. “I haven’t opened it yet.”