“According to plan? What was the plan, pray tell?” Coco’s ankle was starting to throb so she hobbled over to the sofa and plopped down. “Was the plan to humiliate me? If so, I’d say it was spot-on.”
“I’m sorry, but I have no idea what you’re talking about, Coco. I was trying to give a little push to you two because it was so obvious you both needed it.”
“Oh, maybe I needed it,” Coco said, aiming her thumb toward her chest. It wasn’t as if Emma could see her anyhow. “But clearly that jerk was all about adding to his stable of fillies.”
“Stable of fillies? What does that even mean?”
“It means that stupid me threw caution to the wind and decided to have sex with a two-timing dirty dog.”
“You slept with him? Coco! Yay you!”
“Not ‘yay you’! Did you not hear what I said? He’s a lying, cheating, two-timer!”
“I cannot imagine that is the case. Calm down and start from the beginning, so we can suss this out.”
“Suss this.”
“Now, Coco, let’s come down off the ledge and discuss this like grown-ups.”
Coco started to sob. “I don’t want to. I was all excited and happy, but then he went and ruined it all.”
“I’m sorry, sweetie,” Emma said. “But maybe there was a misunderstanding?”
“Uh, pretty sure calling out another woman’s name in the heat of passion is not a misunderstanding but rather a royal fuck-up.”
Emma gasped. “No!”
Coco nodded into the phone and cried some more. “He did.”
“That seems crazy. Maybe you heard him wrong?”
“‘Oh, Tammi, fuck’? You think he actually said, ‘Alabammy, fuck?’ Or perhaps ‘My Cousin Sammy, fuck’? Nah, I think it was ‘Whammy, bammy, thank you mammy, fuck.’”
“Hmmm.” Emma paused. “Okay, so that does sound a little bit damning. But there has to be some explanation for that. It makes no sense.”
“Of course, there is. There’s some woman named Tammi and he thought he was having sex with her.” Coco slapped her hands together like she was cleaning off dirt.
“Did you ask him?”
“Hell no, I didn’t ask him! I slapped him across the face and grabbed my clothes and hightailed it out of there.”
“You slapped him?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“Okay, can we maybe back up? What happened before all of this? You seemed to indicate it had been going well.”
“Because I was an idiot.” Coco sighed.
“Let’s not devolve into self-loathing here. Again, let’s backtrack through the night and see what happened to get you here.”
“You mean on the road to Tammi?”
“Coco—”
“Okay, fine. So you deceived me and he showed up, and at first, I was mad but then we started talking and he was super nice—”
“Just like you thought he was at the animal shelter.”
“Yes. Before he thought I was a jerk.”
“I can’t believe he thought you were a jerk.”
“He was mad at me for getting lost.”
“Perhaps he was concerned about you. And I don’t think rescue people get mad at the people they’re trying to rescue.”
“All right. It’s true. He ultimately felt bad that he was mad. So we talked. And enjoyed each other’s company. And we danced. And then he invited me to leave with him, and I gladly agreed to go.”
“Now’s when things get juicy.”
“Well, yeah. Until they didn’t.”
“Continue.”
“Okay fine, but this is going to be fast. We went back to his place and couldn’t keep our hands off each other and had wild monkey sex and I was kind of falling for the guy.”
“So, what was the Tammi thing all about?”
“I took the pig out to go to the bathroom. He warned me not to go out in a state of undress. Didn’t want to excite the neighbors—some old man on one side, and some young woman on the other.”
“Oh, so he’s got a little kink in him?”
“Huh?”
“He’s imagining you and some hot chick next door going at it?”
“That’s a hell of an extrapolation, Emma. Going from me taking the pig out to the backyard to pee while I’m naked to him fantasizing about girl-on-girl sex?”
“Any idea what the name of the girl next door is?”
“I have zero interest in finding out.”
“Wanna bet it’s Tammi?”
“I don’t care if it’s Tammy Wynette. It makes no difference. And even if it was Tammi, clearly he’s got a thing for her.”
“Instead of leaping to conclusions, why don’t you do some sleuthing and find out?”
“Like knock on the neighbor’s door and ask her if she’s doing Elliott Barbour?”
“Elliott Barbour…” Emma said in a whisper. “That’s got a nice ring to it.”
“Oh no you don’t, you nosy thing,” Coco growled. “Stay out of this, would ya?”
“Why, I wouldn’t insert myself into your private matters. You know that.”
Coco knew nothing of the sort and soon hung up on the conversation, afraid that her friend was indeed bent on meddling into things, which would only make it go from bad to worse.
Chapter Fourteen
“ELLIOTT Barbour here,” he said, answering his phone, hoping against hope that it was Coco calling to apologize for jumping to conclusions. He’d left her many messages over the past few days but she refused to talk to him, so what was he going to do?
“Elliott? This is Emma Hamilton. I’m good friends with Coco.”
He took a deep breath. “Look, she got it all wrong.”
Emma started laughing. “Of course, she did. Which is why I’m calling you. It’s my fault you two hooked up, so I’m going to give the two of you the nudge you need to fix this silly mess. But first, you have to promise me there’s no woman named Tammi in your life.”
“Believe me, it was all a stupid thing that had nothing to do with anything. I feel like a complete idiot even discussing this, let alone with Coco’s friend. But I’m serious—it was only a stupid screw-up on my part.”
“Lemme guess: something to do with a neighbor and your fantasizing about her and Coco going at it.”
Elliott could feel his facing turning red. “Um.” He drummed his fingers on the counter.
“It’s okay, We’re all friends here. Hell, I once had a sexual fantasy about having sex on stage with Michael Bublé, so who am I to judge.”
“Michael Bublé, eh? In front of a large audience?”
“Packed house. I’ve got an exhibitionist streak a mile wide.”
He broke out into laughter, then held his hands up in surrender. “Okay, you’ve figured me out. I mean, not that I wasn’t focused on Coco, but I guess my mind wandered a little bit after our conversation and, I’m not gonna lie, what guy wouldn’t be all over that like white on rice?”
“Yeah, I know. Male Fantasy 101 stuff. But now, we’ve got a freaked-out Coco who we have to persuade to believe this.”
“What’s in it for you to straighten this out?”
“Honey, I’m just the good Samaritan who was happy to see my friend get together with a guy she obviously wanted to get together with.”
“She did?”
“Of course she did. Only she handled things in a, well, ham-handed way.” She laughed. “Sorry, needed to insert a pig joke in there.”
“No apologies needed. By the way, I’ve found a rancher who’ll take her.”
“Coco? That seems a little drastic.”
He kind of liked this woman’s sense of humor. “The pig, not Coco. But maybe he’d take her too. She’s awfully cute. Albeit a bit quick to jump to conclusions. And she’s got a mean left hand.”
“Ouch. She told me she slapped you.”
“That’s the first time that’s ever happened. Hopefully the last.”
“So, I’ve got a plan for fixing things wit
h you two if you’re interested.”
Jesus, was he ever. He couldn’t stop thinking about Coco and all the things they did together Friday night. He wanted to get to know her better and, well, spend a lot more time naked with her.
“Lady, I’m all ears.”
The two talked for ten more minutes and organized the plan. When he got off the phone, he at least felt hopeful, which was a far cry from the despondency that had defined the past few days. It seemed a little crazy, but with a bit of luck, maybe it could work.
Chapter Fifteen
COCO put the finishing touches on her makeup, stood up, and tugged on her dress, which felt too short and was creeping up too far for her comfort level.
“Hurry, Coco, or we’ll be late,” Emma said, reaching for her purse.
“You sure I can’t miss this altogether?”
Emma shook her head. “You owe it to these people to show up and thank them for what they did for you. You can pretend Elliott isn’t there if that’s what you’d prefer. Though I personally think you owe it to him—and to your relationship—to hear him out.”
“We don’t have a relationship. We had a hookup. One and done. Nothing more needs to be said.”
Emma rolled her eyes. “You sure are a stubborn thing, I’ll give you that.”
Coco whacked her with her clutch purse.
Emma looked down at her boot-clad foot and her heel-clad one. “That looks super imbalanced. You want to Uber over there?”
“It’s two blocks away. I will be fine. Besides, I need the exercise.”
“After all that weight you lost in the wilderness, you need a good meal is what you need.”
Coco made puppet motions with her fingers, like she was parroting whatever her friend had said to her.
They stepped out of her apartment and she hobbled down the steps and out the door to the fire station for the big search-and-rescue fundraiser.
When they arrived, they were lavished with attention. Everyone wanted to talk to Coco and find out how she was faring. The team of eight who’d found her in the mountains and ushered her out on the litter came by to greet her one by one, and Coco graciously thanked each of them for their heroic acts on her behalf.
She made a point to steer clear of Elliott, and he was honoring her wishes to keep his distance.
“You want a drink?” Emma said, heading toward the bar.
“Gin and tonic, two limes.” Coco grabbed some sort of stuffed mushroom that was being passed by a waiter and popped it into her mouth. When Emma returned with drinks, she clinked her glass of wine up against Emma’s glass. “Here’s to being lost and then being found.”
“I’ll drink to that,” Coco said. She looked around. “I thought you said there was some silent auction here we were to bid on.”
Emma lifted her eyebrow, “Huh? Oh, it turns out it’s a service auction. It’s like people have offered up their services and interested parties will bid on it.”
“Ahhh… gotcha. You mean a date auction? So, I could bid on one of these handsome mountaineering men to spend an evening with?”
“Yep.” Emma took a sip of her wine. “Like that cute one over there. The one with the gorgeous eyes.” She pointed toward Elliott.
Coco rolled her eyes and shook her head. “You don’t let up, do you?”
Emma grinned. “That’s why you pay me the big bucks.” She toed the ground in front of them. “Speaking of big bucks… I took the liberty of signing you up for the auction.”
“You what?” Coco’s eyes widened.
“Well, I may not have mentioned this to you, but I do the accounting for the search-and-rescue organization and when one of my clients told me what they were doing, well, I thought it was a fun way to raise money and I knew you’d agree that it was the least you could do since they saved your life and all.”
Coco glared. “It would have been nice had I known I was volunteering for this,” she said through gritted teeth. “I’m not saying I wouldn’t have done it but I don’t appreciate going into this blind.”
Emma waved her hand. “Sorry, Coco, didn’t mean to leave you in the dark. It was kind of a last-minute thing. It’ll be fun. I promise.”
Coco sucked down her drink and hobbled over to get another one. No way could she do this without a buzz on.
Soon, a woman stepped onto the stage and welcomed the guests. She gave a little speech about all the good things the search-and-rescue group did and pointed out several guests in attendance who had also been rescued by them.
Coco blushed when they pointed her out and she lifted her hand tentatively in acknowledgment. She knew she should be standing up there thanking them and felt guilty for being annoyed with Emma for volunteering her. It was the least she could do. Now that she thought about it, she felt like an ungrateful little shit. These folks were nothing but wonderful to her. Even jerk-face over there, but that was another issue altogether.
Clearly she’d been caught up in her own idiocy a little much. She needed a dope slap of reality here. She was going to go up on that stage with a smile and ham it up and let the chips fall where they may. Even if she ended up on a date with a man old enough to be her great-grandpa.
Soon the auction began, and a succession of locals took turns walking to the stage to perform their philanthropic duties. She was almost glad she hadn’t known about this in advance because there were women who’d dressed accordingly: one gal had on a bikini and a sash as if she were in a beauty competition. Another guy offered himself up for a date biking in the mountains and was dressed in a full Lycra biking kit. That sounded like a little slice of hell—did he know how steep those roads were?
Just as Coco’s name was called, Emma grabbed her and whispered into her ear.
“Look. I spoke with Elliott. I was right. It was a stupid guy fantasy thing. He doesn’t even know that woman, but he knew her name. He was fantasizing about you naked with her.”
Coco curled her lip. “Really? Is this the right time for this conversation?”
Emma nodded in the direction of Elliott. “There’s no time like the present, Coco. Now go get ’em.” She gave her a little push toward the stage, leaving Coco to wonder if she should be weirded out or think it was kind of quaint that he fantasized about her like that.
She hobbled onto the stage, pointing down to her cast and rolling her eyes, and everyone laughed.
She spoke into the microphone.
“I would be remiss were I not to stand up here and thank you all to the depths of my heart for what you did for me. Let me tell you, being lost up there”—she pointed toward the mountains—“was not even remotely fun. It was scary as shit—” She made an “O” with her mouth and covered it with her hand. “Oops! Sorry! Any kids in the room? I will go wash my mouth out with soap as soon as I’m done and put a dollar in the swear jar as soon as I get one.” Everyone laughed. She grabbed a sip of her drink and continued. “There were moments when I was certain I’d die out there. Especially when I started to think, truly think, about what a needle in a haystack you’d be searching for. I owe you all my life and I can never thank you enough. I hope it is sufficient for me to at least give one of you lucky folks a night with me, even though I’m not the wildest of dates these days.” She pointed to her boot. “No running, no biking, and without a doubt, no hiking in the mountains.” They all laughed.
At that point, the auctioneer started the bidding and several in the audience raised their bid cards. With the glare from the spotlight beaming on her, she had a hard time seeing what any of them looked like. People were bidding up by ten, twenty, even thirty dollars, but then someone announced, “I’d like to bid a thousand dollars.”
The audience gasped.
And damned if she didn’t know that voice. Because she’d heard it time and again in her memory over the past week, that voice whispering all the dirty things he’d wanted to do to her, and it made her breath hitch in her throat.
“I’ve got a thousand dollars. Do I have eleven hundred?�
��
It felt like the clock stopped completely as she waited to find out if someone would save her from a night alone with him.
“Going once, going twice, sold, to the man for one thousand dollars.”
As Coco left the stage, she could see Emma practically giddy, jumping up and down and clapping her hands. No doubt about it: she was going to have to kill her.
Chapter Sixteen
COCO was silent as she sat next to Elliott as he drove with Oink secured in the dog crate on the back seat. She’d found a rancher outside of town willing to take in the pig. He promised he’d keep Oink and not turn her into dinner for ten, which was all Coco could ask for. So this was her official auction date: taking Oink to her forever home.
They arrived at the ranch and the man greeted them along with his wife and young children. There was a little girl who was about five and two boys younger than her. They squealed with joy when she took Oink out of the crate and she instantly knew her little piglet would be happy in her new surroundings, with three delightful siblings to care for her.
As they drove back home, Coco felt an ache in her chest. She’d miss that pig yet was glad about Oink’s new home. There was no way she could have ever kept a pig.
“So, uh, if you’re still looking for a kitten, someone dropped off a litter of tabby cats the other day. The orange kitties are always the nicest ones,” she said. It was a date, after all, so she knew she needed some sort of small talk.
Elliott, who had also been awfully quiet, pursed his lips. “Maybe that would be a nice thing. Mom said she would be willing to take in a kitten.”
“You want to go see them?”
He nodded. “Sure.”
“There are three kittens to choose from. It’s not exactly the date with all the pussy you could want that you might have hoped for—”
He looked at her and blurted out a laugh. “You have got to be kidding me. Did you seriously just say that?”
She started laughing. “Well, rumor has it you did have your fantasies about a couple of pussies…”
He chucked her in the arm while trying to keep his eyes on the road. “Shut up, you!”
Lady Killer (Confessions of a Chick Magnet Book 5) Page 7