The next day, somewhere in the afternoon, Jayson came by. It was hard for me not to remember what happened between us and I tried to push the thoughts aside as he walked back into my room today looking happier than ever. The look he gave me seemed like so much more than it used to. It wasn’t just his friendly I’m-happy-to-see-you look anymore, it was much deeper. I could almost feel his emotions through the look in his eyes.
Feel his emotions? What is wrong with me?
“I have a present for you.” Jayson said as he came and sat down on the bed. He pulled two packages out of his jacket before flinging it across the room to land on my dresser.
“Me too,” I jumped up from the bed and retrieving an envelope from my nightstand. “Me first.” I said as I pushed the present into his hands ignoring the look in his eyes telling me he was going to protest.
“Okay, okay. If you insist.” He slowly opened the paper envelope and pulled out the Christmas card inside. “God, Trystie. You didn’t!” He said as the card opened and two tickets fell out.
All I could do was smile as he reached down to pick up the tickets now resting on the comforter.
“I’ve been trying to get these tickets for months!” He stared at the tickets, unblinking, as if they were disappear from his fingers. “How did you get them, they’re sold out everywhere.”
“I bought them the second they went on sale. You wouldn’t stop talking about it. I knew it would be a good present.”
“You are awesome, Trystie. Thank you.” He nearly knocked me over and crushed me with the force and strength of his hug.
“Now, it’s your turn.” He handed me the two small packages, neatly wrapped. “Open the bigger one first.”
I slowly unwrapped the bigger of the two presents to reveal a book with a deep purple, velvet cover. A journal. My eyes locked on the small bound book in my hands. It was perfect for me. Right now all I could think about was how a like we were together; full of potential, but empty inside. A sharp pain tore through me, but quickly vanished when Jayson spoke.
“You always seem like you have so much in your head… that you don’t want to share. I never knew if you didn’t share because you thought I didn’t care or just because you didn’t want anyone to know how you were feeling. Either way, I thought this might help you vent.” He looked down as he said it, like I would be mad. When I didn’t say anything, he looked up. Pasting on a smile that he whole heartedly didn’t mean, he said, “Next.”
I picked up the smaller wrapped present, which felt like it weighed nothing at all and tore off the paper. Inside was a very small jewelry box. I looked up at him, and with a reassuring nod from Jayson, I removed the top. Inside was a small picture. It took me a moment to realize what I was looking at. My conscious mind didn’t want to register what was there, but I knew and didn’t know I was crying until I felt Jayson’s hand on my face, wiping away my trailing tears.
I couldn’t tear my eyes away from what was in the little box. At the same time, I was actually afraid to touch it. The faces were ones that I hadn’t seen for months now. Ones that, even if I were to see, I would have avoided with all my being. I didn’t think I was ready. Didn’t think I would ever be ready. It hurt too much.
It was a picture of my parents.
“How?” I managed as I finally looked up to meet blurry Jayson’s face.
He gave a small grunt, like a half laugh, then explained. “One day, while you were in the shower, I looked through your photo album over there and took a couple pictures. Sorry.” He shrugged slightly, like it wasn’t really a big deal. We would talk about that later.
“I talked to Kimber and Justin about it first. I wanted to make sure it wouldn’t upset you or anything.”
“But…”
“I notice a lot more than you think, Trystie. I pay attention and I talk to Justin and Kimber. We have a family friend that works at the camera store in town. I brought him the pictures and told him what I needed it for. He did the rest.”
I looked down at the picture again and put it in my hands. The picture was maybe three quarters of an inch high and a half inch wide, shaped like an oval. Shaped perfectly like my locket. Reaching behind my neck, I unclasped the necklace I never took off and popped open the little latch, letting it hang open and dangle from the delicate chain. Pausing only for a second before I slipped the picture inside. It fit perfectly.
I was barely aware of the wetness gliding down my cheeks as I closed the locket. I didn’t replace it right away to its position close to my heart. Instead it stayed cupped in my hands, my arms too heavy to replace it. I was weighed down and couldn’t move as the room went fuzzy under a wall of tears.
I felt movement in front of me as Jayson pulled himself closer and threw his arms around me, squeezing me tight. “You don’t need to let them go, Trystie,” he said softly into my hair. “They wouldn’t want you to forget them. You can cherish their memory and live your life, too.”
I knew exactly what he meant. At least I wanted to. Since I came here, I almost refused to even think about my parents than talk to anyone about them. I hadn’t even looked at pictures of them since I unpacked my things the day I moved in. Justin and Kimber asked me things about them every once in a while, but my response was always the same, I don’t want to talk about it. But I needed to. Right then I realized I was angry. Angry at them for leaving me and at how much I really missed them. Angry because even though I wasn’t alone, I felt like it. Angry at myself for living while they had to die.
Finally, my arms landed around him, squeezing just as tight. As tears spilled from my eyes, drenching his shirt I said, “Thank you so much, Jayson.” and kissed him tenderly on the cheek before letting him go.
That night I stared longingly at the journal Jayson got me. I wanted so badly to write in it. To say to someone how I really did feel inside. But that part of me that kept it all bottled up this whole time cringed at the idea of anyone baring witness to the pain in my heart.
“Screw it!”
I swiped for the journal and threw it open. Before I could talk my self out of it, I put the pen to the paper and started to write.
I was given this journal as a gift today as a reminder of how important it is to let your feelings out. Sometimes, even when someone is there to listen, you don’t really want them to hear.
I didn’t want them to hear.
I didn’t want to hear it myself.
I am broken inside. Even though moving here, to Connecticut, has mended so many of my straggled pieces, it couldn’t fix the pieces I was purposely pushing aside so no one could find them. Not even me.
The death of my parents left me feeling lost and damaged. We were so close, I could tell them anything. It’s almost like now that they aren’t here, physically, to listen, I don’t want anyone to hear. I want to keep everything that reminds me of my parents locked away. If nothing is there to remind me, I can feel no pain.
Today, the day after Christmas, my best friend Jayson gave me this journal and opened my eyes. I need to get all my bottled up feels out. There are people around me who actually care about me. Sometimes you need those people to give you a slap in the face and tell you to wake up.
Although I am not ready to share my feelings with others about my parents, or my past with them, I will from now on spill every unnerving emotion into this book. I will not harbor anger toward my parents or feel guilty for being alive, when they aren’t.
Not anymore.
I know now that the only way I can feel better and accept what has happened, is to deal with it head on. To feel everything and not push unpleasant, hurtful things deep inside because I don’t want to feel them. I would only be saving them for later.
I want you to hear, so please listen.
Chapter Twelve
I woke up the morning of New Years Eve, early. The night before was very restless and I couldn’t seem to think about anything but Kamdyn and my Christmas present. The ring was more than beautiful. I caught myself staring at i
t every chance I got. It made me feel that Kamdyn was with me, even when he wasn’t. It made me so happy knowing that this was something so important to him and he thought I was good enough to have it.
But this ring was the product of some of my sleepless nights. The other sleepless nights are still due to the vivid dreams and nightmares that no amount of venting is going to solve. But on those rare occasions that I might actually get to sleep, the ring seemed to keep me awake. Besides the fact that this ring constantly tingled on my finger, just like Kamdyn’s touch, it also seemed to make me see things I know aren’t there. It started Christmas night, when I saw the vine, a real vine, coil around my hand over and over, and continuing to travel over my wrist and up my arm.
I had seen it happen more than once since then. Sometimes when I looked down at it, I wasn’t looking just to think about Kamdyn, but to see if the vine was there. More than once I was afraid someone else would see it, but it seemed when ever it happened, I was the only one who could see it.
It didn’t hurt. Nothing about it was menacing for painful. Nothing sinister. It actually made me feel comforted and loved, and well, it kind of made me feel like sunshine and light, as strange as that sounds.
I just didn’t understand what was happening. It isn’t everyday your boyfriend gives you a ring and when you put it on, it becomes real and starts to grow on you? No, not even a sane thought.
I struggled with it more and more everyday, welcoming it and at the same time dreading it’s return. Maybe I was just losing my mind. I wanted so badly to tell someone, but who could I tell that would actually believe me? I wanted to talk to Kamdyn, since it was his mother’s ring that started it, but I couldn’t find the words. Every time I was with Kamdyn this last week, I found myself unable to speak when an opportunity came to ask about the vine.
My thoughts, for now, would need to remain my own. The only other source of release I had was my journal, which now held all my secrets.
Kamdyn came around four to pick me up. Kimber and Justin had left already, very early this morning. They were spending the day, and the night, in New York City. They had always dreamed of seeing the ball drop in person. I already had plans for the night when they sprung their New Years plans on me only a couple days ago. I didn’t mind not going. In fact, I was happy to be able to give them some time alone.
Kamdyn was having another one of his famous parties. Of course, his parents were out of town again and he used it to his advantage to have a killer New Years party, inviting everyone.
People weren’t going to start showing up until after dark and Jayson wasn’t going to be home until later, so Kamdyn picked me up early to help him get things ready for the party.
I felt him coming before I heard him make a sound in the house. I could always feel him when he was near, like something tugging at my insides toward whatever direction he was in. The tingling in my finger also seemed to get more pronounced as he came closer, it was like having my own radar detector. My heart beat faster with every step I knew he was taking closer.
Without a knock, my bedroom door flew open and my heart felt it would burst out of my chest. He didn’t saw a word as he hurriedly walked over to me and taking my face in his hands, kissed me like it had been years since we had seen each other. When he finally pulled away a few inches, he leaned his forehead against mine and asked, “All ready to go?” I nodded as I reached down to grab the last of my over night things from my bed, throwing them in my bag, and hauling it over my shoulder.
When we got to Kamdyn’s, there were decorations thrown in a big pile in the middle of the living room. I glanced at the decorations, my mouth hanging open, and turned to Kamdyn. He dropped my bag in the hall leading toward the stairs.
“What?” he asked with knowing grin.
“Thanks, Kamdyn. Here I thought you wanted me to come early because you enjoyed my company. Now I know what you really want from me.” I tried not to smile because I knew he had planned on me doing this. I knew he wanted my help decorating for the party, but I didn’t know the extent of it. But as much as I wanted to hate him for even thinking he was devious, I just couldn’t help but smile at him. “You will pay for this later, you realize?”
“I do,” he said still grinning. “And I’m sure it will be worth it.”
We spent the next couple of hours draping and wrapping the rooms with long strands of twinkling white lights. Well placed white and black streamers wrapped around ceiling beams and hung around doorways. Big black and white balloons filled with confetti were bunched together tied to tables, railings and basically anything heavy enough to hold them down. We scattered confetti on the tables, along with noise makers and champagne glasses. The house looked amazing when we were finished. Finally, we both fell onto the couch, exhausted. Who knew handing balloons and lights was so energy consuming. There was still an hour or longer before people would start showing up. Knowing now that I had an hour to rest, the time would fly by, I closed my eyes hoping for this hour to crawl.
Kamdyn reached out, without even looking, grabbed me around the waist and pulled me toward him. To tired to do anything but squeak in surprise, I allowed him to pull me close. “Thank you, for all your help. I really do appreciate it.”
“I know you do, you’re welcome, but you are still going to pay for it.” I said closing my eyes again and rested my head against his warm chest, hearing a deep rumble as he laughed.
“So you say.” He said with laughter still ringing in his voice. He moved my hair away from my face, pushing it behind my ear and stroking it back behind my shoulder. I loved it when he played with my hair. It reminded me of my mother, and that feeling I got in my chest no longer made me sad.
“I have something I want to tell you,” he whispered. “But… later. Okay? Maybe, after everyone has gone?”
I couldn’t explain it but suddenly my stomach felt like it was in my throat and my eyes flew open to look up into his face. I felt my mouth fall open and my breathing quicken as my chest heaved up and down. The loud drumming of my heart filled my ears. I wanted to ask what was wrong, if anything was wrong… or… I don’t know. But for some reason, I felt like something was wrong, I wasn’t sure why. My mind raced into every direct possible. I was drowning in instant panic.
Before I got the chance to formulate words, Kamdyn cupped my face into his warm hands. He pulled my face close to his, looking deep into my eyes. “Relax. Nothing is wrong. I just wanted to tell you something… important. Important and private. Just, now is not the time. Don’t worry about it. It’s not a big deal. Nothing at all for you to worry over, okay?”
He trailed his finger tips across my cheek, the aftermath of his touch sent chills through me. I could still feel him there even after he was gone.
When my heart finally returned to its natural rhythm, the crowd of people had just begun to file into the house. Of course, among the first to arrive was Jayson and following him, the rest of our usual group from school.
Kamdyn quickly disappeared, playing gracious host, walking around the house making sure no one went upstairs, nothing got broken and no double-deckers were done in the bathroom. Just basically making sure the house stayed in order while occupied by hundred or so rowdy teenagers.
I was sitting on the kitchen counter, talking to Lauren, Jayson and this girl from my Spanish class, Rashelle, while Kamdyn was MIA.
“Yeah, I’m really worried. Her mom called me a few times asking if I talked to her and I’ve been trying to get a hold of her myself. I don’t know what else to do.” Lauren looked like she was going to cry while explaining the details on our missing friend. My heart felt broken looking at the concern on her fragile face.
According to Lauren, the day after Christmas, Drea had gone to the plaza in town to return a gift for her mother, and never returned. During our winter break, I hadn’t really heard from anyone of our friends, only Jayson and Kamdyn. I had gotten a call from Lauren and Becky the day of her disappearance, but no other details were spared during
the call, only questions about if I had seen her or heard from her. Unfortunately, I hadn’t.
“So, what’s going on?” Rashelle asked worry clearly expressed on her features over the news.
“Well, the police were obviously called. They looked at camera footage from the store, but no leads there. They saw her come in and go out. Really, there’s nothing yet. She just… vanished.”
Just then, Kamdyn came walking into the kitchen. My whole body tingled with the awareness. He walked over to me, slouching and mopey, and leaned up against the counter next to me. He didn’t say anything to us, he just stared at the ground. I reached over, wiping his dark hair away from his eyes, my fingers trailing just above his eye. I felt the familiar spark of his skin and his eyes shot up to look into mine. Ignoring the others around me, he turned around to stand in front of me, one of my knees of either side of his torso. His arms looped around me and pulled me in for a deep kiss.
Someone grunted, loudly, from our “audience”. I ignored it.
“I needed that,” he sighed, as he pulled away slowly.
“Kamdyn, what’s wrong?” I bent down to look up into his, once again, drooping eyes.
“Someone broke my mom’s favorite…”
“Helloooo everyone! The life of the party has arrived.” A familiar nails-on-a-chalkboard voice yelled from somewhere in the house.
We all looked at each other confused. Who was that?
“Here comes the drama.” Becky said with a huge smile, obviously anticipating the juicy event to come.
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