by Jina Bacarr
I grew so accustomed to the scent of fresh black polish, quite distinct it was, that my capacity to ignore it barely diminished. On the contrary, the vitriolic odor awakened a dark side of my personality I had previously left hovering in that limbo part of my mind that existed between dreaming and doing.
Would I enjoy the reality of a whipping as much as the fantasy? I often wondered. I couldn’t answer. I was either going mad or I was a fool to deny my husband access to my bed. Or my bottom.
Much to my surprise, Lord Carlton kept to his promise to keep his hands off me, but he fancied tormenting me with a constant fluctuation of upstairs maids with more than a willing backside to please him. Chaste with their speech and their manners when I was within earshot, giggling and flirty, they skirted past me, keeping their eyes down, reminding me of aberrant schoolgirls begging the headmaster for a strapping.
Distraught as I was by this uncomfortable situation, I was also curious. To relieve the itch in my mind as well as on my behind, I sought the confidence of the maid, Lucie, inquiring as to why the household help changed so frequently. I wondered if she would open up to me, but I needn’t have worried. The young woman was eager to expound at length on the indiscretions in this house, including the wicked games played by its inhabitants (such as Blind Man in the Buff and French Licking), and making me promise not to say anything to Campbell, the housekeeper.
I assured her I wouldn’t, and oh what tales she told me! About canings alternating with whippings, nipples pierced with gold rings, pony games astride nude girls. And masked evenings when the master of the house, Lord Penmore, drizzled his most expensive cognac over the bare buttocks of a girl tied to a post, then dipped his fingers in the liqueur and lit them on fire. The alcohol on his skin burned off quickly, she told me, when he ran his fingers over the girl’s naked backside, the flames skimming over her skin and disappearing faster than a maiden’s sigh.
Take a moment, dear lady reader, to compose yourself as I must do.
Feel better now? Did you…? Of course you didn’t. Ladies don’t do such things, you’ve been taught, but if you dare to question your physician about a common thread woven into the fabric of our femininity, I daresay he’ll tell you it’s not uncommon for him to find milady’s hairpin stuck in her vulva. Yes, I’m talking about masturbation. Will you continue reading if I tell you I discovered my own vices to seek pleasure? I am aware ’tis a sin by the holy sisters, but the church and I have been on shaky ground since the night I denied my husband his connubial rights. So you can imagine how delighted I was to find illicit tomes in the library that alluded to mysterious items known as olisbos depicted on vase paintings in ancient Greece. These drawings of dildos left nothing to a woman’s imagination. Further investigation revealed these charming toys came from the magic of a shoemaker’s hand, his skill molding the wood then covering it with finely stitched padded leather.
Since I knew of no shoemaker in London who possessed such talent, I relied upon my own culinary skills with the vegetable variety. Unfortunately I found them messy, ill fitting and difficult to procure out of season (unless I was able to locate a greenhouse that cultivated various Mesopotamian delights). I must admit, that with the help of a natural implement, I reached orgasm in less time than it took to brew a proper cup of tea, something I’ve learned to appreciate on cold English mornings. It was the cold English nights that left me fretting about on my bedsheets, a rising heat making me perspire despite the chill, a need to capture intimacy in my life even if it wasn’t with a man (taking a female lover wasn’t practical since I could trust no one in my social circle. Not even you, dear lady reader).
I amused myself by adapting the principles of a children’s game and devising a word square with the various Latin words for clitoris: virga (twig), mania (madness), dulcedo amoris (sweetness of love), tentigo (lust) and more. When I ran out of Latin words, I went in search of another dictionary and, to my delight, I found a discarded dildo in the spanking room. (I admit, the door was open and I peeked inside.) After making sure the snoopy housekeeper wasn’t watching me, I hid it under my skirts and took it back to my rooms. I was tempted to make use of it in the privacy of my boudoir, burying my loneliness under layers of silken sheets while allowing my unabated curiosity free rein to insert it inside me and feel its heat radiating through me. I’m sorry to say that after inspecting the dildo at a closer range, I returned it. It became apparent to me no amount of washing or scrubbing could purify away the lingering scent of its previous owner.
I didn’t let that stop me from continuing my search for self-gratification and from imagining what delights such an implement could bring to me. A pleasure so exquisite that a secret longing deep in my belly made me shiver with anticipation. That indefinable hunger drove me to explore other means to find satisfaction, though I hesitate to share it with you if you’ve turned pale and are experiencing indigestion because of the indelicate subject matter. Skip over these next few pages if you must, but I’ll not deny these enticing thoughts ran through my mind on many a lonely day.
Such as today. Desiring not to be disturbed, I closed the curtains and locked the door to my rooms before I opened the polished wooden box lined with red velvet. Sitting next to my china ring stand shaped like a tiny tree with willowy branches, the dark walnut box held the jewels James had given me on our wedding day, as propriety dictated. Family heirlooms including a garnet necklace surrounded by stars, a diamond brooch with a large ruby in the center and a turquoise bracelet set off with diamonds. Cold stones given with a cold heart.
The box contained another jewel. One I enjoyed wearing above all others. Sleek, round and bulbous. The energy oozing from it when I slipped it inside me awakened my soul with a gentle vibration I could only describe as magic.
My dildo.
Tempering my need for physical release with practicality, a fortnight ago I decided to forgo my embarrassment regarding my predicament and embarked on a secret shopping trip. Armed with an address I found scribbled in the back of a gentleman’s magazine I removed from the town house library, I sought out a certain shop on Holywell Street not far from Waterloo Bridge. A seedy establishment selling pornographic pamphlets as well as male enhancements and sexual aids. There I found the perfect item to assuage my hunger.
A dildo made of rubber with the wistful moniker the Widow’s Comforter.
Taking it home wrapped in plain brown paper, I made quick use of it, its shape and size becoming as familiar to me as a lover’s touch. So it was no surprise I found need of its heated comfort on this cold February morning. I caressed its tip nestled among the jewels, warming it with my fingertips. Then I sucked in my breath, begging my body not to betray me with a sudden rush of heat to my pubic region. Tightly laced and sweating, I couldn’t hold back my need any longer. I gave in to temptation, seeking the solace of the secret shadowy space behind the pearl-inlayed dressing screen in my bedroom. Hiking up my skirts, the rustling whispers of silk filling my ears with enchantment, I found the slit in my pantaloons and slid the love instrument inside me, my body closing around its rubbery thickness. With familiar dexterity, I guided the shaft in and out of me in time to a silent rhythm in my head. I groaned, pressing the dildo against the walls of my throbbing flesh hot with my juices again and again. Moving my hips, my musings became so strong I couldn’t stop myself. My breath quickened, my muscles deep inside me contracted, holding tight around the illusion of a hard penis inside me, begging for that delicious instant of release. If you’ve indulged in such an activity then you were rewarded as I was with powerful, gut-wrenching orgasms. Lingering for what seemed like hours, days, my pubic muscles experiencing the most delicious spasms…
But the satisfaction I found was not to last. After two weeks of errant use, the lack of an emotional connection became so unappealing to me I considered taking a lover. I immediately tossed the idea into the rubbish. No doubt such an affair would be discovered, since the household staff here and at Braystone House amuse themselves by
spying at us through holes bored through the wainscoting on walls and solid mahogany doors. (If you don’t believe me, check your walls and doors before you indulge in a tryst when your husband is out of town.) I’ve heard many servants line their pockets with guineas by becoming “witnesses” in adultery trials, acting out what they’ve seen for the judge, complete with moans and compromising positions. Within days, the whole sordid mess is published in scandal sheets and licentious gentleman’s magazines.
I shivered at the thought. I relished my privacy, not to mention how distasteful the idea was of shaming my family with so thoroughly a bourgeois faux pas. Social mores notwithstanding, I harbored a deep-seated resentment that while my husband indulged in appeasing his salacious sexual appetite, I remained sensually starved. It was disconcerting at best to believe I would spend the rest of my life writhing under the probing of my own fingers and nothing more. Sometimes my craving for the connection of flesh on flesh was so daunting, I pulled up my chemise and cupped the firmness of my breasts in my hands, rubbed my nipples and stroked the tender skin on the insides of my thighs. I wanted so to be touched, caressed, anything over the cold deadness of the rubber phallus.
I sought an outlet for my loneliness and found it in the world of society, where I exuded a flaunting of ego I found so satisfying. At home, I was the girl with the empty dance card, my views scoffed at, my mind ignored. Here in London I was Lady Carlton, a member of the peerage, albeit through marriage, who could trace their lineage back to the first duke of Braystone. He was a brave ancestor of my husband who distinguished himself in battle with King Charles II, then fought alongside his sovereign on an expedition to Scotland, where he sacrificed his own life so Charles could escape.
Unfortunately, my husband, James, possessed none of the valor of his forebear nor the nihilistic intolerance for the wrongs done to humankind. He had no principles I was aware of and swayed so far from the model of moral rectitude, I dared not challenge him for fear of reprisal of a salacious nature. Yet in spite of or because of his failings—I’m not sure which—he entertained a lively and fashionable existence in London drawing rooms and clubs.
Which meant I was also included in the invitations.
What can I say? I reveled in the glitter and elegance, the youthful splendor, the gaiety, the daring subterfuge, the arts and the opera. I forged my path with aristocratic arrogance and made a place for myself in British society. And that included fashion. I’ve always loved color and developed a sense of how to use its pure, uncomplicated beauty to enhance what I saw as my shortcomings: my tall body and long face. I used simple diagonal lines in the clothes I wore to create an illusion of prettiness, draping myself in hues of rose, apricot and blue to create the illusion of a creature beautiful and mysterious.
I nurtured my instinctual attraction to lace and silk with frequent trips to the House of Worth in Paris, as well as art galleries and museums, to achieve a new level of refined smartness. My unique sense of taste and fashion matured like a ripening fruit, my raw talent at the core sweetening my outer skin with a prettiness I’d never felt before, whether I was tipping my ivory lace parasol at a cocky angle while flirting with Lord——at a garden party or slipping on my third pair of lamb-white kid gloves since morning before sitting down to afternoon tea at Brown’s with the duchess of——.
This new courage I found meant I could assert myself, flaunt my skill at repartee, show off my knowledge of world politics and play the game as the men did. I was a notable player in this milieu of the high-society hostess.
And I had no intention of giving it up.
4
I replaced the dildo among the red velvet folds hungry to hug its hardness, then wiped the stickiness off my fingers with a cotton handkerchief monogrammed with my initials. The perfume of my folly lingered to tempt me, but I snapped the box shut. I had no time to linger. Tonight I would entertain visitors.
Important visitors.
At James’s request, I had invited the Viscount and Lady Aubrey to join us for a light supper along with my parents (my mother was eager to make the acquaintance of Lady Aubrey, a lady-in-waiting to the queen). The viscount was a family friend of his lordship and quite an interesting gentleman. No doubt you will have guessed his identity before you turn the page. He has the ear of the queen on foreign affairs and reputedly has been invited to Windsor Castle by Her Majesty to see her personal collection of miniatures. I was impressed with his keen sense of politics and I was certain he had no idea James was a scoundrel. His lordship was very adept at keeping his father’s friends unaware of the dark side of his personality.
I planned a simple menu starting with a clear soup and two entrées instead of the usual four, followed by a dish of duck and ending with creamy pudding and light airy confections smothered with cream. Nothing to tax the digestion, since I knew the viscount suffered with gout.
Dissention set in when my husband informed me he wished to speak to my father alone after dinner about something important. I should have known James never did anything without wanting something in return. What was it this time? I wanted to know. He ignored my outburst and disappeared upstairs “to polish his leather toys.” I wasn’t fooled by his diversionary tactics to take my mind off the situation. I had no doubt the entire visit was a thinly disguised plot for James to elicit more funds from my father for his costly lifestyle.
What I couldn’t have foreseen was a chance remark from the Viscount Aubrey that enchanted me and planted a seed in my mind that grew so quickly I couldn’t stop it, as surely as I couldn’t stop the shadows of night from descending upon us.
“I don’t know what’s gotten into the British government, James,” I overheard my father saying after dinner when I entered the room filled with smoke, “opening the railway in Japan before fixing the damn roads.”
James agreed, his easy compliance making me certain my suspicions about his motives were correct. He added that the roads were muddy and unruly and nearly impossible to travel in wet weather. Neither he nor my father noticed my entrance, so involved were they in their conversation, but the Viscount Aubrey stole a glance in my direction, his bushy eyebrows moving up and down in a curious twist. I imagined he wasn’t accustomed to a lady joining the gentlemen in their frog-trimmed, padded smoking jackets after dinner in the gun room, but I insisted upon it. I had no desire to accompany my mother and Lady Aubrey upstairs with their fluttering fans, bottles of scent, filmy scarves and innocuous talk about croquet, archery and the latest divorce gossip. Nothing that would raise an eyebrow or illicit a nervous cough.
“There was little the British government could do, sir,” James insisted, offering my father a cigar, “since the Japanese government demanded the railroad between Tokio and Yokohama open on time.”
“That project was started more than two and a half years ago,” my father said, leaning back in the padded wingback chair, enjoying its comfort as well as its girth. It did my heart good to see my da enjoy himself, knowing how much turmoil he’d faced these past few years. “Since then, the funds to build more railway lines in Japan have either dried up or been withdrawn.”
“It’s no secret, Mr. O’Roarke, that the situation is at an impasse,” added the viscount, his smoking cap slightly askew on his head. He reminded me of an overgrown elf. “The cost to build more railways in Japan is prohibitive, especially with the financial state of European banks.”
“With all due respect, Viscount Aubrey,” said my father, sticking his thumbs under his plaid suspenders as he always did when he was certain he was right, “I’d bet a barnful of hay the cost could be kept down if you Brits paid more attention to your suppliers. I hear these fellows use twisted rails and build weak bridges.”
“What you say is true,” James added, his manner somewhat condescending, which made me even more suspicious, “but the biggest mistake was that the European director of the railway didn’t know how to handle the Japanese.”
“And I suppose you do, milord?” my father inq
uired, biting down on his cigar.
“To put it bluntly, sir, yes,” James said with a confidence that surprised me. “I’ve become acquainted with their way of thinking, how they move together as one unit, not individuals. How they use a subtle form of communication when dealing with westerners and never answer a question in a direct manner.”
My father laughed. “Back home we call that hedging.”
“The Japanese call it business as usual,” James answered in a glib manner. He smiled like a little boy trying to fool his governess. I looked away, refusing to be drawn into his game.
“Then you’ve been to Japan?” my father asked, surprised.
“No,” James said, “but I’ve been escorting the Japanese emissary around London. He’s a likable chap with a solid knowledge of English and a good head on his shoulders.”
Escorting him to the brothels on York Street and the newly fashionable Bayswater district, I imagined, easing myself down on a plush divan after pouring an after-dinner drink from the row of decanters of claret, port and sherry sitting on the sideboard.
I leaned forward, eager to jump into the conversation. I thrived on lively discussion, from a rousing round of politics, discussing the iniquities of the parties—whether they were Tory or Whig or Labor—to current books and plays. This evening I was eager to discuss the latest filibustering in the House of Commons. I had no desire to listen to their mindless prattle about Japan, a barbaric country where, according to what I’d read in Lord Penmore’s letters, packhorses were the choice of transportation, carrying items for trade from city to city by means of narrow footpaths cut into fields of farmland.
“The Japanese will beat us at our own game if we don’t beat them first,” my father bellowed, his stiff celluloid collar choking him and turning his face red. I had to smile. I knew he’d rather be lifting a pint with his cronies in a pub. He hated the formalities required of an English drawing room, while my mother reveled in it.