by J. H. Croix
“I said somebody is pretty tuned in tonight. He’s halfway across the bar, for God’s sake,” Ella explained.
I took another sip of my margarita and rolled my eyes, feeling my cheeks heat and relieved for the dim lighting at Wildlands. We were having dinner and drinks, nothing unusual. Charlie and Jessie were here, along with Maisie and Beck, and Ella and Caleb. This wasn’t the first time I was acutely aware of my single state.
I was quite relieved Rachel Garrett was on the way to meet us. Rachel was a medical assistant at Willow Brook Family Medicine. She was a friend, and she was also single. It was nice not to feel so alone in my state. Nate—and, oh hell, my brother—approached our table with Remy Martin. Remy was a recent transplant to Willow Brook, having taken a position on one of the hotshot crews here. He was a southern boy from Louisiana. He had moved up here after a stint on a hotshot crew in Washington State in the mountains, which meant he had actually survived winter before.
Looking up, the moment my eyes landed on Nate’s, my lower belly clenched, and that oh-so-familiar heat radiated from my core, blooming through my entire body. I forced my gaze from Nate. The last thing I needed was to get all hot and bothered over him with my brother right here. Somehow, I had avoided hearing any commentary from Alex about Nate. It still smarted that he had seen Nate kiss me.
When I looked away from Nate, my eyes landed on Remy. I willed my body to notice just how sexy Remy was. Because good Lord, that man had it going on—hair the color of rich amber, with green eyes to go along with it. It was impossible for a hotshot firefighter not to be in amazing physical condition, and Remy fit the bill—all rugged strength, he moved with a graceful agility. He had a slight teasing grin and a sexy southern accent paired with it. In short, he was hot as hell.
I could notice all of that, objectively speaking, yet I felt absolutely nothing when I looked at him. He might as well have been my brother. Dammit.
It had been three full days since I’d woken up in Nate’s bed and fled the scene. Instead of taking a few days off, I signed up to cover some extra shifts when I heard two nurses were out sick. I’d been working like crazy and was exhausted, but I had a quick answer for why I hadn’t seen Nate. I was working.
Those of us already seated shuffled around, making room at the massive round table we had snagged in the far corner. Conveniently, Remy snagged the open chair beside me before Nate could, who ended up at an angle across from me. There would be no sneaky teasing me with touches. I was both relieved and let down. Sigh.
“Hey, Holl,” Alex called from across the table when he slipped into a chair beside Nate.
I lifted my fingers in a wave and flashed a tight smile. “Hey guys, how’s it going?”
“Haven’t seen you in days,” Nate replied pointedly, his eyes lingering a little too long on me for my comfort with this crowd.
Alex’s gaze flicked from Nate to me, far too perceptive and knowing. None of this was comfortable for me. Blessedly, Beck said something to Nate, tugging him into a conversation and allowing me to nurse my margarita, and do my best to ignore him.
“How’s it going, darlin’?” Remy asked politely from my side.
Oh, and Remy dropped endearments all the time. It was quite sweet and added to his sexy quotient. Still, not even a zing of attraction for me.
Glancing up, I again attempted to elicit some sort of chemistry beyond my objective appreciation of his beauty. Nothing, absolutely nothing. I smiled up at him. “I’m doing fine. How are you adjusting to Willow Brook? This is your first winter here, right?” I asked.
“Yes, ma’am,” he said. “I love it. I love snow, probably because I never even saw it until I moved away from where I grew up. This is my first winter here, but I went through winter in the mountains in Washington, so it’s not like I wasn’t prepared. It’s a little darker here, and a bit colder, but I can handle it.”
Rachel showed up just at that moment, replying to Remy as she slipped into a chair beside him. “Are you sure?”
Remy glanced to her. “Yes, darlin’. I’m sure. I’ve never had trouble staying warm,” he drawled.
I happened to be looking right at Rachel and noticed her cheeks flush. Well, hmm.
I suppose it was convenient that Remy didn’t rev my engine because he clearly revved Rachel’s. Conversation carried on around me and the night went on as usual. The only fly in the ointment, so to speak, was the occasional glance from Nate.
I overheard Alex asking him something and couldn’t help my ears from perking up. “What time do you leave for your weekend trip?”
“Tomorrow,” Nate replied.
Right about then, a woman approached the table, calling Nate’s name. Looking beyond Nate, I took in the woman. There was a flirtatious smile on her face and her long dark hair swung around her shoulders. She stopped right behind him, resting her hand on his shoulder.
I didn’t doubt, not for one second, that whoever the hell this woman was, she and Nate had likely had a fling. She was quite beautiful, tall, and leggy. Of course, certainly not as curvy as me. She was the kind of woman who, on a bad day, made me feel a little insecure.
Just now, after three days of successfully avoiding Nate, her presence and teasing approach were the equivalent of a swinging hammer into the coffin of my poorly decided choice to let myself get involved with him in any way, shape, or form.
I could see Nate’s eyes widen slightly in surprise. “Oh, hey, Brenda,” he said easily. “I didn’t know you were in town.”
My eyes flicked down as her hand squeezed his shoulder, sliding down over his arm. I knew far better than I wished just how good Nate’s muscled shoulders felt. I took a shaky breath, willing the jealousy spiking through me to disappear. I had no right to be jealous. I was being crazy.
“You didn’t realize I was with the party you’re flying out to the lodge?” Brenda asked.
Nate shook his head, a hint of tension crossing his features. If I didn’t know him so well, I wouldn’t have noticed. But I knew him, quite well.
“Nope, missed that detail. I didn’t get a list of everybody going, just how many and my main contact.”
Brenda laughed lightly, her hand still resting on his shoulder. “Well, it ought to be a great trip. I sure hope you’ll be staying for the weekend as well.”
I could feel Ella’s gaze on me from the side, and abruptly decided it was not in my best interest to remain here for this little display. I now knew what Nate would be doing this weekend. Or rather, who.
“I need to get going,” I said, my voice low as I leaned toward Ella.
Her green gaze met mine, concern shimmering in the depths. “Are you sure?” she asked.
“Of course,” I replied quickly, not caring to wait. I gulped down the last of my margarita and stood, quickly gathering my coat and purse before hurrying out with a general wave at the table.
I saw Nate look in my direction, but Brenda was still talking with him. I hurried home, almost running along the sidewalk. A light snow was falling in the darkness, the half moon blurred by the clouds and the snow.
Within minutes, I shut the door to my apartment, locking it and leaning against it with a deep breath. Hot tears rolled down my cheeks. I had screwed up. This was epically bad.
I knew I needed to create some distance between Nate and me. I had intellectually known he would likely move on. Yet, I hadn’t quite been prepared for what it would feel like to watch it play out right in front of my eyes.
Pushing away from the door, I knuckled my tears away and shrugged out of my jacket. Padding across the living room, I turned up the heat and set the kettle on to boil. I needed tea. It was either that, or drink an entire bottle of wine by myself to try to forget everything that had passed between Nate and me.
* * *
Just after I turned the burner on under the kettle and was walking toward the bathroom to start the water, there was a sharp knock at my door. My heart started pounding. Part of me was insanely hopeful that Nate was here to d
eclare his love for me. Yet, the other part of me knew I had to face down my fears and tell him the plain truth. This thing with us had to stop. Now.
Although I was a mess inside, I latched onto the anger and jealousy that was burning through me. That was what would power me through this. I walked to the door, swinging it open.
Nate stood there, his cheeks ruddy from the cold and his eyes boring into mine. “Why have you been avoiding me?” he demanded.
“Because, this”—I paused, waving my hand back and forth between us—“has to stop. You go have your weekend with Brenda. Don’t let me get in the way. Don’t think anything is ever going to happen with me again.”
I was furious, emotion and tears tightening in my chest and throat, but I wasn’t about to break down in front of Nate. I had too much pride and didn’t dare give him the satisfaction.
“What the hell, Holly?” he countered, moving as if to step through the doorway. I blocked him, bracing my hands on the sides of the door. “Are you fucking serious?”
“Yes, I’m serious.” I felt myself starting to crack inside and clung to my anger, about the only thing keeping me from crying.
Nate had been my friend and my brother’s best friend forever. Now, we’d screwed it all up. We’d been intimate, more intimate than I’d been with anyone in my life. No matter what I told myself intellectually, I couldn’t forget how I felt when I was with him—all of my hopefulness and wishful thinking spun into the intimacy.
A tiny bit of that vulnerability seeped through. “Look, I can’t do this, okay? I told you from the start, I can’t do casual. This has to stop. You do what you want with your life, but I can’t drag this out. I think you know I want more than you’re willing to give.”
He stared at me, his eyes narrowing, something flickering in their depths. I was too emotionally strung out to interpret anything with any sense of clarity. I hung onto my control, my hands gripping the edges of the doorframe, as if that would hold me together inside.
“Holly, I told you. That’s not all you are to me.”
“So you did, but you can’t seem to tell me what that means. Just go on your trip.” I paused, waiting, perhaps giving him enough time to say something, anything. He said nothing. Steeling myself, I managed to nod. “Good night.”
I didn’t wait any longer, stepping back quickly and closing the door. I wasn’t usually rude, but I needed to not continue this conversation. I slid the bolt shut and ignored it when he called my name and knocked on the door. “This isn’t over, Holly.”
Wrapping my arms around my waist, I closed my eyes, waiting and listening until I heard his footsteps striking the stairs on the way down. The sound of his truck starting came next. I watched out the windows as he turned out onto Main Street, the glow of his taillights disappearing quickly in the snowy night.
Then, I cried. I had my tea, and I took my bath. None of it made me feel better.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Nate
I leaned back in a chair in front of the fireplace and glanced over at Dave and Nancy. “Don’t know how much skiing they’ll get in, not in this kind of storm,” I observed.
Rolling my head to the side on the back of the chair, I looked out the windows into the darkness. The lights from the lodge illuminated the snow falling. The skies had been clear for my flight up this morning, and then thick clouds rolled in this evening. The snow had started a few hours ago, along with icy winds.
Brenda had made it abundantly clear she would be happy for me to join her tonight. The idea turned my stomach, and it had nothing to do with Brenda. She was still beautiful, flirtatious as ever, and she wanted nothing more than a little fun between the sheets.
A year ago, I’d have happily taken her up on her offer. Tonight, I couldn’t even summon the slightest bit of interest. All I could think about was Holly, and how she’d slammed the door in my face the night before.
Brenda, not quite picking up on my cues, sat down in a chair across from me, tucking her feet up under her hips and angling to face me. “So, Nate, how have you been?” she asked, her tone low.
“Oh, busy as ever,” I replied.
Dave caught my eye, and I saw the questions swirling in his.
“How many trips do you have booked up here this winter?” he asked. Dave knew me well. While he might not know what the hell was up with me, he seemed to know I preferred to keep this conversation general. “I never know who’s handling the flights.”
“After this one, I’ve got two more and then that’s it until summer. I could’ve picked up more, but I prefer to space them out in the winter,” I explained.
“I sure wish I could get up here a few more times this winter,” Brenda offered with a teasing smile.
This was her cue for me to pick up the other half of the conversation she was trying to start with me. I wasn’t quite up for it and was relieved when a few others meandered over to join us. Dave and Nancy kept the conversation moving along, allowing me to mostly stay quiet. A bit later, I stood, giving a wave to the group at large. “Well, I’m gonna pack it in for the night. Here’s hoping you guys get some good weather tomorrow morning.”
I practically bolted up the stairs, closing and locking my door. That might have seemed a bit ridiculous, but the last time I was here at the same time as Brenda, she had visited me late at night. Tonight, I just wanted to sleep.
The following morning, I was awake before the sun came up. I could still see stars in the sky, wispy gray light creeping in, softening the navy sky to a deep slate blue. After tugging on some clothes, I headed down to the kitchen where I figured I would find Nancy and Dave. Aside from the fact that we were old friends, I came here often enough that they didn’t stand on ceremony with me. I had free rein to drop in on their private quarters in the lodge.
I found them just where I expected, with Nancy prepping breakfast and Dave helping as they sipped coffee. Dave glanced up when I came through the door into the kitchen, flashing a grin. “Morning, Nate,” he called.
“Coffee’s ready,” Nancy added by way of greeting, pointing her elbow toward the coffee maker on the counter behind her.
I rounded the large stainless steel table in the center of the kitchen. After helping myself to some coffee, I slipped onto a stool on the opposite side of the table from them. “How’s it going this morning?” I asked.
Dave kept chopping potatoes, his knife moving rapidly as he sliced them into thin pieces. “Good, now that I’ve had almost a full cup of coffee.”
“Storm looks like it rolled out overnight. Weather should be better today,” I added.
“I’m sure they’ll have a good day of skiing. Supposed to be clear tomorrow as well. Are you staying all weekend?” Dave asked.
“I’m not sure. I saw on the flight schedule that Fred Banks will be out here dropping another group on the same day this crew is supposed to fly out. I’m thinking I might ask him to take this peg for me and head back early. If not today, then tomorrow.”
Nancy glanced up, her gaze considering.” Are you seeing anyone?” she asked.
Dave chuckled as he glanced to her. “Just couldn’t help yourself, could you?”
I took a long swallow of my coffee, thinking of Holly the other night and how she shut me out. I wanted the answer to be yes. My hesitation and whatever expression Dave saw on my face must’ve given something away.
“Well, I’ll be damned. You are,” he said, his tone wondering.
I took a deep breath, letting it out with a ragged sigh, and ran a hand through my hair. “It’s not that simple.”
Nancy’s eyes widened. “Explain.”
“Well, it’s Holly.”
“Holly Blake?” Dave asked. “Alex’s twin sister.”
“Yes, that Holly. The thing is, I don’t really know what we’re doing. The night before I flew out here, she basically told me to fuck off. I think she thought I had some kinda thing going with Brenda.”
Dave finished chopping the potatoes and carefully set
his knife down. Nancy immediately scooped up the cutting board and poured the potatoes into a large wok on the stove.
“Not that I’m arguing that you have a thing going with Brenda, but I’m pretty sure you had something with her before, right?” Dave asked.
“It was just a weekend,” I replied, feeling defensive.
Nancy’s gaze shifted to me as she adjusted the heat on the burner, stirring the potatoes and adding some spices. “Right, but Brenda’s made her interest in another weekend with you pretty obvious. If Holly saw that, I can see why she might wonder. Have you told her how you feel?”
I must’ve stared blankly a few beats too long because Dave chuckled. “I’m gonna go with a no on that.”
I sighed and shrugged. “Well, I mean, I told her she was important to me and…”
Before I even finished a full sentence, Nancy was shaking her head, her gaze stern. When my words trailed off, she gave me a pointed look. “You need to be more clear than that, Nate, if she means something to you. I mean, do you love her? If you do, you need to tell her. You have a reputation for being casual. You’re not an ass, but no one expects you to get serious. Anyone who knows you knows that about you. Don’t take that as me saying you’re a jerk because you’re not. You’re one of the nicest guys I know. You keep things very low-key when it comes to dating.
“Knowing all that, I’m trying to think of how I perceive you and I’m guessing that’s about how Holly perceives you too. I’d figure she thinks that’s all this is. To make it even more complicated, her twin brother has been your best friend for years. She’s not going to want things to get any messier than they already have. Friend stuff is complicated to begin with.”
Nancy rattled all of this off rapidly as she kept adding spices to the potatoes and stirring them in between sips of coffee. At this point, I felt like an idiot. The truth was, I had no idea how to navigate this. I was trying to not push too hard with Holly. Now, I was realizing that might’ve been a serious miscalculation. Even worse, the fact I was the first man she’d actually had sex with meant everything was all that much more loaded.