by Chloe Walsh
“She doesn’t need a hospital,” I shot back, adamant. “She needs someone to love her – unconditionally.”
As gently as I could, I dressed Mackenzie, pulling the sweater over her head, and pushing her arms through the holes. “There,” I whispered, touching her chin with my thumb. “That’s better.”
She smiled weakly and leaned into my touch. What was meant as a small gesture of affection resulted in Kenzie holding the palm of my hand to her cheek. And I let her. I stood in front of her small frame, with my heart hammering in my chest, and the only parts of our bodies touching were her cheek and my hand.
“That’s about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” Dean scoffed.
Ignoring Dean’s comment, I lifted Mackenzie into my arms and carried her out of the room. Mitch trailed along beside me. I was getting us the hell out of here. I couldn’t fucking think in this place.
Dean shook his head, at a loss. “Your girlfriend butchered herself in my bathtub and you think you can fix her with love?”
“Let them go, Dean,” Anna whispered when we all reached the front door before addressing me. “Take care of her, Cade. She needs you.”
I nodded curtly before marching straight out the door and down the driveway with Mackenzie in my arms. I wasn’t hanging around for a farewell party.
“DO YOU THINK we’ll end up together?” Mackenzie asked me and I almost puked.
“What?” I hissed, disgusted. “Like boyfriend and girlfriend?”
Kenzie nodded and I really did have to swallow some vomit.
“Don’t be sick, Kenz,” I growled. I could never tell when she was joking. Lying, yeah, I could read her like a book, but Kenz had a strange sense of humor.
“Emily McAllister says she’s going to marry you,” Kenz announced quietly.
I rolled my eyes. “Emily McAllister has a screw loose in her brain if she believes that – besides I am never getting married – I’m only ten for crying out loud.”
“But what if you do…”
I snorted in disgust. “Tell you what, if I ever do get married, I’ll marry you.”
Kenzie’s face lit up with delight. “You will?”
“Well duh…” Shaking my head, I frowned at Kenzie. “You’re the only girl I could put up with.” And you smell real nice and look real pretty…
“I’ll marry you back, Cade,” Kenzie announced with pride. “I promise...”
“…Do you hate me, Cade?” Kenzie whispered, pulling me back to the present.
We were in the car on the drive back home. Mitch was in catatonic mode in the backseat. He hadn’t spoken a word. I tried to make eye contact with him in the rearview mirror but he wasn’t seeing me. I tried to make conversation, but he wasn’t hearing me. It was as if the man had just… dissolved. Here in the flesh, but only in the flesh.
My hands tightened on the steering wheel as I drew my attention back to Mackenzie. “What? No, of course I don’t hate you.” Glancing sideways, I saw that she was watching me. “How do you even think that?”
“Because of tonight,” she replied softly. Fiddling with the sleeves of the black full-length overcoat Mitch had found in the trunk for her to wear, Kenzie looked up at me nervously. “Are you mad?”
Letting out a heavy sigh, I ran a hand through my hair. “I’m not going to pretend what happened in there didn’t scare the shit out of me, Kenz, because it did. But I’m not mad at you, baby girl.” I reached for her hand and squeezed. “I’m mad at myself.”
It was the truth.
I hated myself for what I’d done to Mackenzie – for how I’d made her feel.
“I don’t know why I did it,” she offered, her voice barely more than a whisper, as if she needed to offer me an explanation.
“Were you…” I paused, clenched the wheel tighter, and let out a sigh. “Why?” I had to ask.
I needed to know, dammit.
“I think I lost my mind a little bit,” she confessed, biting down on her lip. “My sanity, I mean.”
“Me too,” I muttered. I felt a bead of sweat trickle down the back of my neck – the thought of what could’ve happened if I had been a minute later was too much to bear. “I’ve only been that scared once before in my entire life.” The night she was abducted…
“I don’t think I can explain it,” Mackenzie continued, wrapping her small arms around herself. “It was like I separated from my body. I became so invested in the physical. In the pain. The cuts I could handle. The thought of you and her… I couldn’t.”
My heart squeezed in my chest. “Kenz.”
“You came after me tonight, Cade.” The way she said those words, in such a surprised tone of voice, as if it was abnormal for me to follow her, hurt me deeply. Didn’t she realize by now that I would follow her to the ends of the earth?
“Yeah, Mackenzie,” I replied. “I did.”
“Why?”
“Because I love you,” I offered. They were only words, but right now all I could offer her was words. I bit hard on my bottom lip, giving her a moment to soak in my words and, more importantly, my meaning. I needed her to hear me out. Most important of all, I need her to believe me. “And because I’ve already told you once before, the stars will have to wait. I need you on the ground with me.”
“…THE STARS WILL HAVE to wait, I need you on the ground with me…”
“…The stars will have to wait, I need you on the ground with me…”
“…The stars will have to wait, I need you on the ground with me…”
Cade sat beside me on the drive home.
Dad sat in the back.
Cade made small talk, but my father didn’t speak a word. He didn’t move a muscle. He barely breathed.
I didn’t know what to say to him. I almost killed him tonight with a baseball bat. My own father. The one parent I had that had stuck around to raise me. How he was sitting in this car was beyond me. How he could tolerate being near me after what I had done to him – to his family...
I couldn’t figure out the correct way to apologize for what I’d done.
For almost killing him.
For almost killing myself.
Cade was being patient with me but I knew he wanted an explanation. And right now in this exact moment, I didn’t have one. I couldn’t explain it any better than I had tried.
I wasn’t proud of what I’d done. I wasn’t proud of making them worry or causing a scene. I was fully aware that I had screwed up and I felt regret.
Regret for making a mess in Anna’s pristine bathroom.
Oh god, I didn’t even want to think about the trouble I’d brought on Anna...
Regret for bringing trouble to her door.
But most of all, I felt frightened, and that niggling worry I had in the pit of my stomach – the one I was too afraid to come to terms with – caused that fear to heighten.
Cade had told me he loved me and I believed him. I did. I believed every word he said, he had told me that before – promised me things he couldn’t keep. I was too worn out to get my hopes up, but I couldn’t deny the fact that he seemed different tonight…determined.
So much had happened in such a short space of time and yet nothing had changed. Emily was still pregnant. Sharon still hated me. Cade was still torn up. And now I was on my way home, back to square one.
When we finally arrived back to the house, my father got out of the car without a word, and closed the door before walking inside. I guessed the unfamiliar car in our driveway was the reason for my father’s hasty exit. Then again, I wasn’t sure he even noticed. It was as if he was in a deep trance.
Cade remained in the driver’s seat beside me. “Dammit to hell,” he growled to himself as he inhaled a few deep breaths, muttering a string of curse words in the process.
I looked over at Cade but he was staring out the windshield with a murderous look on his face. “What’s wrong?” I dared to ask, as anxiety swished around in the pit of my stomach.
Then Cade said something I ne
ver in a million years expected him to say. “Your mother’s here.”
“Oh.” There wasn’t much else to say. I knew in my heart she wasn’t here for me. No, this was to do with Emily.
And their baby…
My heart and what little hope I had allowed myself to muster up shriveled and died in my chest.
“What are we doing here, Cade?” Dropping my head in my hands, I curled my fingers into the wet knots of my hair and tugged in frustration. I needed him so badly. So much more than she did… “What are you doing to me… why is everything so complicated… so blurred?”
He let out a harsh breath and cupped the back of my neck with his huge hand. “Don’t.” His blue eyes were blazing with intensity, wild and locked on mine. His chest was heaving. He was entirely too beautiful. “Please don’t,” Cade repeated in a desperate tone.
Sniffling, I forced myself to meet his stare. “Don’t what?”
“Don’t regret me.” His vulnerability was on full display. “Because I won’t ever regret you.”
“You’ve said that already,” I whispered.
“I have, haven’t I?” He was breathing hard and fast. “I want to make something clear before we go back in there,” he told me, breaking through the barriers of my mind that were building up at a rapid pace. “And I really need you to believe what I tell you, okay?”
I nodded.
Reaching over, Cade took my hand that was closest to him and gently put it to his lips before pressing the softest of kisses to each of my knuckles. “I hate myself for making you think that you were anything less than the most pivotal part of my life,” he told me, his voice thick and husky. He held my hand to his chest as he spoke, eyes locked on my face. “I won’t make the same mistake twice.”
I couldn’t cope with the heightened emotions that pummeled through me at hearing those words. They were potent, dominant and entirely overwhelming.
And then Cade was kissing me, his tongue plunging into my mouth; devouring me, and claiming my soul. And just like always, I couldn’t get enough. I clung to him, desperate to feel him, even more desperate to hold onto him.
“She’s having your baby,” I choked between kisses, my tears mixing with the dampness on his cheeks. My hands moved upwards, my fingers curled into his hair, pushing him away and pulling him closer all at once. “How can this wo–”
“It can work,” he breathed against my lips. “I can give you space, and I can give you time, but I cannot give you up. I know I’ve fucked up, Kenz. I know. But this has to work. We have to work.”
Cade held my hand when we walked into the house and he didn’t let go. Not when everyone turned and stared at us. Not when insults were thrown. Not even when his mother told him to. He just held it tightly, smoothing his thumb over my skin – the same way he always did. And it grounded me. His touch gave me comfort – deep comfort.
To be honest, he floored me. None of the doctors had taught me how to deal with a man like this. A man who wanted to possess my heart… A man who could knock me down with feelings and words and smiles and kisses that tasted of home and friendship and memories I wanted to remember.
I was in over my head and yet I wanted to drown in all that was Cade Mathews.
MY MOTHER HAD TOLD ME that I needed to be a man and deal with the consequences of my actions, and that was what I planned to do. But me being a man meant standing up to my mother¸ and every other fucker on this planet that caused Kenzie pain and suffering and tried to keep us apart. I meant what I said to Mackenzie tonight.
Every damn word.
“Hold onto me,” I whispered to Kenz, and she did. She clung to me like I was her only lifeline. And in this sick and twisted world maybe I was…
I wanted to be her hero.
I wanted to be better than the guys she used to read about in those teenage novels.
I wanted to have her.
I wanted to earn her love.
And then I wanted to spend the rest of my life earning it.
I was going to keep her safe. And this time I was going to do it right.
I held her hand as we walked into the house. I wasn’t letting go. Not for anything. She was calming me. I was fairly certain I was anchoring her.
The minute we stepped into the living room everyone’s eyes were on us.
The jury had arrived and, as I had suspected earlier in the car, Dee was one of them.
Sitting on the couch in our living room, Kenzie’s mother, in all her abandoning glory, sat beside my mother and Emily – who was sobbing and holding onto her pancake flat stomach.
Emily’s father, Gabe, stood by the window with his hands shoved into his pants packets, his face expressionless. Mitch was nowhere in sight.
“I’m not giving her up.” That was the first thing that came out of my mouth.
My declaration resulted in an audible gasp from Emily, followed by wailing and I felt like a bastard. The worst kind. But it didn’t change my disposition.
Clearing my throat, I took a step forward with Kenzie glued to my side. I knew she was watching me. I could feel her eyes boring into my flesh, fucking searing me and driving me forward – urging me on. I would not fuck this up again. I would not let her down… “I just wanted to make that clear – I know you guys probably have some sick and twisted plan hatched to fuck with our heads, but it won’t work. I’m not biting. Not this time.”
There was utter silence in the room – you could’ve heard a pin drop – until finally Dee stood up and spoke. “Mackenzie.”
Kenzie’s entire frame began to tremble. She was shaking so badly it was causing vibrations to run up and down my body. My eyes locked on the blonde woman approaching us – the woman who bore such an uncanny resemblance to the girl at my side – and I felt my hackles rise.
I WAS STARING INTO THE FACE of my mother. The mother I hadn’t laid eyes on in over four years. The mother who had walked out on Dad and me back when I was fourteen – when I had needed her most. Her voice sounded like a stranger’s to my ears. Her face looked like home – pale skin, gentle eyes, and a kind smile. Feelings of confusion and anger were rushing up inside of me, but I remained expressionless when I spoke, “Mom.”
I was good at that. Being dead inside. One of the first things I had learned in the nest was how to mask my expressions. How to empty my soul. I had needed to. If I hadn’t, well, I wouldn’t be here today.
Mom smiled weakly and a look of pity encompassed her features. “It’s good to see you,” she whispered, taking a step towards me.
I took a step back and immediately Cade came to my defense. “You don’t have to talk to her, Kenz,” he told me. “Not tonight. Not ever if you don’t want to.”
“Don’t speak for her, Cade,” Mom warned in a level tone.
That comment earned a barely contained growl from Cade. “I’m not. I’m protecting her.”
Mom blanched. “From her own mother?”
Cade snorted in obvious disgust. “From the woman who up and walked out of her life when she was a child without so much as a fucking postcard.”
“I beg your pardon.” That was Gabe. He marched towards us and I had to force myself not to give into the urge I had to drop to my knees and submit. Cade’s arm around my waist was all that was keeping me from my place on the floor.
“No need to beg for my pardon, Gabe,” Cade shot back, clearly taunting the man. “Only man you should be begging forgiveness from is upstairs.”
“You think you can talk to me like that?” Gabe roared, coming closer and getting up in Cade’s face. Cade was taller, but only by an inch or so. “You have some nerve, boy,” Gabe seethed. “After knocking up my daughter. Yes, I know,” he added in a deriding tone of voice when Cade flinched. “That’s why we’re here. Your mother called us over to talk to you – see if we could talk some sense into you.” Gabe took a menacing step closer. “You’re not walking away from your responsibility to my daughter, Mathews. Not if I have a breath left in my body…”
“Y
ou abandoned her,” Cade spat, ignoring Gabe’s threats, eyes locked on Dee. “You left her. You checked the fuck out when she needed you most, and you didn’t give two shits. And worse,” he sneered in a tone of pure outrage. “When she was taken, you did nothing. When we got her back you did nothing. So yeah, I’m protecting her from her own mother,” he announced before adding, “I’m only sorry I didn’t say something sooner. So why don’t you just scoot along and do what you’re best at, Dee, and walk away. Do nothing.” Cade switched his attention back to Gabe. “And you’re one to talk about walking away from responsibility.”
“Cade Mathews, apologize this minute,” Sharon piped up, walking over to us. Standing in front of us, she reached over and placed her hand on my shoulder. I had to force myself not to flinch. The look in her eyes was not of hate, no, it was worse than that. It was a look of fear, a look of disgust. “I think you should go upstairs, Mackenzie,” she told me – ordered me. “We have things we need to discuss. Family things.”
“She’s not going anywhere,” Cade interrupted, pulling me closer if that was even possible. “So just back the fuck up from us.”
“I think that’s a very good idea,” Gabe said seconds before he reached out and placed his hand on my shoulder.
That was the wrong thing to do.
It caused Cade to transform into an animal in front of my very eyes – a snarling, spitting animal. Quicker than lightening, Cade shoved Emily’s father in the chest, knocking him backwards and causing him to fall on the floor. “Touch her again and I’ll fucking kill you,” Cade roared, chest heaving. “Do you understand me?” Eyes wild and almost feral, Cade glanced at every person in the room. “No. One. Lays. A. Finger. On. Her.”
“Don’t you dare behave like this,” Sharon hissed, turning as red as the blood on my thighs. “You were raised better than this, Cade Mathews.”
“This is on you,” he snarled, eyes wild and frantic, landing on every person in the room. “This is on all of you.”
Taking a moment to compose himself; I watched as Cade pinched the bridge of his nose, inhaling short hard breaths. Tremors were racking through me. I wasn’t sure if they were from him or from me. “I could’ve lost her tonight,” he said finally. His voice was strained. The veins in his neck were bulging against his flesh. “I almost fucking lost her, Mom. Permanently. Not like before when I lost her and by some miracle got her back. I nearly lost her off this goddamn earth. You can’t come back from the fucking dead.”