by Chloe Walsh
It was the truth.
Being here, surrounded by my family, and doing something as mundane as cleaning up after dinner with my cousin felt so comforting. “I missed you guys too.”
“So… Dad told me I had to filter my thoughts around you.” Reaching into the cupboard over the kettle, Molly retrieved two mugs and filled them with cocoa. “But you know I’ve never been much good filtering my tongue.”
“I remember,” I added ruefully. Molly had always been outspoken. That, I most definitely, remembered.
Molly scrunched her nose up. “I’m sorry,” she muttered. The kettle boiled and I watched her pour some hot water into each mug before gesturing me over to the kitchen table. “I’m being incredibly insensitive.”
“It’s okay, Molls.” I followed her over to the table and sat down. “It feels good to have someone to talk to.” Inhaling a deep, calming breath, I urged myself to be brave and let it all out.
I told Molly everything and it felt sort of liberating, like the more I talked about it, the less of a hold those men had on me – the less hold Master had on me.
When I told Molly about Emily and Cade, I broke down and cried so hard I never thought I would stop. Those tears worsened when I spoke about my pregnancy.
“I… I didn’t realize,” Molly whispered when I finished speaking.
Her face was a deathly pale.
She looked like she wanted to vomit and I didn’t blame her.
I felt like vomiting every time I thought of the nest.
“Those men carved holes in my life, Molly. They took years away from me, and I am in so much pain that some days it feels like I won’t ever find a way to claw my way out of the darkness.” I sniffled and wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt. “Most days, I feel empty inside.” Food couldn’t fill the hollowing gap inside of me. Only Cade could do that, and right now he was in another state.
“It’s stifling,” I admitted with a sigh. “And Cade… when I was with him, he made it go away. He made them go away – their faces, and smells, and voices. And even though it’s not healthy and totally crazy, I only feel like me when I’m with him.”
My phone beeped, distracting me, and I paused midsentence.
Cade: I don’t understand why you’re doing this, baby. Just come home and talk to me. Let me in, Kenzie. I can’t be without you. I fucking can’t. The pain…it’s killing me. I can’t eat or sleep. I can’t fucking breathe with this pain in my chest…
My shoulders slumped.
This was the tenth message I had received from Cade today.
I knew I was hurting him.
I knew that I was ripping him apart because I was ripping myself apart as well. Being apart from Cade was killing me, and every time I listened to one of his voicemails or read one of his text messages the gash in my heart spread even further.
With shaking hands, I passed Molly the phone, letting her read it for herself.
“Do you think you did the right thing?” Molly asked after she had read the message and handed my phone back to me. “Running away and coming here? Leaving him on his own with that troll to sink her claws in?”
“It’s not really her fault.”
“Emily McAllister is a toxic, turncoat bitch,” Molly spat. “I remember her, Kenny. I spent enough time in Preston each summer and I remember her.” Molly scrunched her nose up in distaste. “She was always so jealous of you. That girl had some serious issues – still does, from the sound of it.”
“Molly…”
“I saw Cade at your dad and Sharon’s wedding,” Molly informed me. “He was a mess, Kenz – a total shell of a guy. I also happen to remember Emily trying her damn hardest to get his attention.”
I gaped at my cousin. “Really?”
Molly nodded. “I never saw him look so haunted as I did that day. It was like he was just empty inside. Nothing interested him. He was like a walking, breathing zombie. Your absence affected him more than you’ll ever know. He was broken, Kenz,” she whispered. “He was completely shredded.”
“I never knew that.”
Molly shrugged her shoulders and offered me a small smile. “I know that you think life moved on while you were gone, and that’s true for the most of us, but life didn’t go on for Cade. In many ways I believe he suffered most of all,” she went on to say, “It was like he couldn’t get past it. He blamed himself.”
“I miss him,” I confessed. “So badly.”
“You can always go back, Kenny. This doesn’t have to be the end for you guys.”
“No.” I shook my head, blinking back the tears. “I can’t go back.”
“Because of Emily?”
I opened my mouth to tell her yes, but Molly started ranting before I had a chance to respond.
“Fuck Emily,” she announced angrily. “Yeah, it’s a sucky situation you guys are in, but Cade loves you. The boy loves you more than life. So what if Emily has his baby.” Molly scowled and rolled her eyes. “You have a heart big enough to love that kid too, because it will be half of Cade.”
“It’s not that simple, Molly,” I began to say but she cut me off again.
“Oh please,” she snorted. “Come on, Kenzie, I know you. I know Cade. I’ve spent summers with you guys, and I know for a fact that most people will never in their lifetime experience the love you and Cade have for each other. Has he messed up?” she went on to say, “Yes he has – phenomenally,” she emphasized. “But he hasn’t run from his mistakes and responsibilities with Emily, so what in god’s name makes you think that he will run from you – the girl he loves?”
“He doesn’t want this,” I whispered, covering my stomach with my hands.
“Maybe Cade deserves to be given the chance to make that decision for himself,” was all Molly replied.
ALMOST A WEEK HAD PASSED since Mitch and Kenzie left Preston, and every day since had been a living hell for me.
I couldn’t eat.
I couldn’t fucking think straight.
My whole life was on pause, waiting on a response from the girl I loved, letting me know she was okay. But I didn’t get one.
Mackenzie didn’t answer my calls, and every one of my texts messages had gone unanswered.
“Mackenzie, please,” I hissed into the phone, as I paced the kitchen floor. “Answer the goddamn phone, baby.”
I knew she wouldn’t but I had to believe that one of these calls would be the one she answered.
“Tell me I’m going to see you again,” I begged. “Please…”
The sound of the front door slamming reverberated through the house and I flinched.
“We need you tomorrow, Cade.” Ezra stalked into my kitchen, ranting like a lunatic, and I quickly pressed end on my call. “A lot of our futures depend on that game, man. You can’t let us down.”
Our high school football team was one of the few in the area that trained all year round.
In Preston, football was as sacred as church. Every year, on the second Saturday in May, Preston High, and three other schools from nearby towns, played in what they called the Beam Bowl.
The winning teams went on to compete for the Beam Bowl cup at the end of May – the weekend after graduation – and it was a pretty huge deal around this neck of the woods.
“I don’t care,” I hissed, slamming my phone on the countertop. “Fuck the game,” I added, glaring at my best friend. “I have bigger things to worry about, Z.” Like the fact that my ex girlfriend was pregnant, and Kenzie was gone…
“Well I care,” Ezra shot back, his voice wounded. “I’m hoping to get the hell out of this shithole of a town.” I could see the hurt in his eyes. “You know the type of people that come to those games, the scouts; you know the stakes, Cade.”
Yeah I knew how high the stakes were, and I still didn’t care.
“You’re the starting quarterback, for fuck’s sake, the team needs you,” Ezra roared. “I need you, man. Just play the damn game and then you can go right back to moping and pining.”
Guilt churned inside me, eating away at my resolve.
“Fine,” I muttered with a resigned sigh.
WE WON THE GAME and, in celebration of reaching the final of the Beam Bowl, the team decided to hit up a bar on the wrong side of Preston – the type of bar that didn’t card minors.
I sat, cold as stone, in a corner booth of the bar, watching my teammates celebrating our victory by taking body shots off the slutty barmaid who was more than willing.
I didn’t participate in the celebrations.
I was here for the alcohol and nothing else.
I didn’t give a fuck about the final score.
To be truthful, I had hoped that a few drinks would help me to forget about her – numb the pain – but seven rounds and four shots of tequila later, the only thing I was drowning in was my memories of her. I was sitting in a room full of people and I had never felt more alone in my life.
I was a broken mess.
The guys didn’t understand it and I didn’t blame them, but they had the decency to let me be.
I continued to drink until my memories became hazy and my eyelids began to flutter.
But even in my drunkest nightmares she was there, haunting me…
CADE LOOKED MAD. Really mad. With his football helmet hanging loosely in his left hand, and his jersey hanging from the front waistband of his white shorts, he stalked past me without so much as a backwards glance.
“Well hello to you too, Mr. Sunshine,” I called out, feeling angry that he had ignored me.
“Not now, Kenz.”
“Cade, please don’t brush me off like that.”
“I’m in a real pissy mood, babe,” he called back. “I need a fucking minute.”
“What’s wrong?” I asked, rushing after him, almost breaking into a run to keep his pace.
“Ian freaking Keller,” Cade spat, clearly furious. “That’s what’s wrong.”
“What did he do now?” I asked wearily. Lately, Ian and Cade had been getting on each other’s nerves.
“He was saying stuff,” Cade hissed. “About you.”
“And?”
Cade’s face turned the color of a ripened tomato. “And I don’t like it. And if he says your name one more time, I’m going to kill him.”
“Cade, who cares what he says.” I felt like shaking some sense into him.
Boys were so weird…
“I care,” he shot back immediately. “Especially when it comes to you,” he added.
“Well I don’t, and neither should you.” I placed my hands on Cade’s shoulders, forcing him to look at me. “Sticks and stones,” I said with a smirk. “Let it go.”
“He wants you,” Cade muttered in defeat. Lowering his face to mine, he let out a haggard sigh. “And I hate it, Kenz.”
My stomach flipped. “Well I don’t want him.”
Cade’s raised his brow in surprise. “You don’t?”
“Ugh…no!” I shuddered at the thought.
Yuck.
Cade smiled, and all the tension seemed to leave his body almost instantaneously. “Do you wanna get out of here?” he husked.
“I’ll go anywhere with you,” I replied with a smile…
“How are you feeling, Kenzie?” I heard Molly call out, breaking me from my reverie. Seconds later, she appeared on the porch with a cup of coffee in each hand. “I come bearing caffeine goodness.”
Sitting down on the porch swing beside me, Molly handed me a mug before slipping her hand into her jeans pocket and pulling out a candy bar.
“And chocolate,” she added with a chuckle. She tossed it on my lap before taking a sip of her coffee. “I hear chocolate is the number one craving during pregnancy.”
“Thanks.” Wrapping my fingers around the mug, I blew into it and watched as the steam rose and disappeared with the evening breeze. “I’m not sure about the accuracy of that myth though.” I wasn’t craving chocolate. I was craving Cade, and nothing else was satisfying my hunger.
Almost a month had passed since I left Preston. I was trying to move on with my life, to keep going, but as the days turned into weeks and my stomach continued to grow, so did my sadness.
I couldn’t seem to move past Cade.
Molly shifted beside me. “Has he called again?”
“Yes.” I sighed heavily. “I didn’t answer him.” Again. “I couldn’t bear to.” It was too upsetting.
“Okay, so this may sound like it’s coming from way off left field,” Molly announced. “But I have an idea.”
“Okay.” I liked that Molly didn’t censor her thoughts around me. It made me feel normal. She didn’t walk on eggshells around me and I loved it. “Shoot.”
“Well, I’ve noticed how hard you’ve been finding life since you came home, and you know I worry about you, so I did a little research…”
I raised my brow, urging her to hurry up and get to the point. “And?”
“And I think we should visit that girl,” she blurted out before letting out a huge sigh.
I shook my head in confusion. “What girl?”
“Hannah Walsh,” Molly told me in a no nonsense tone of voice. “I think you and her sitting down could be more beneficial than any amount of therapy.” Sitting back, Molly took a sip of her cocoa before adding, “Who better to talk about your ordeal with than the girl who went through it with you?”
I hadn’t thought about Hannah in a long time.
I tried not to.
I blocked them all out, their faces and the sound of their screams, except at night when the voices of the dead girls crept into my nightmares.
“But Molls, she’s from Nevada.” I remembered Detective Burke mentioning it once. It was the kind of information that stuck in my mind. “I’m not going all the way out there.”
“About that.” Molly pushed her reading glasses further up on her nose. “I did some research when I knew you were coming out here, and guess who relocated to Gulfport four months ago?”
“Hannah.”
Molly nodded. “The very one. From what I’ve read, Hannah was twenty-four when she was taken,” my younger cousin informed me, surprising me with how much she knew about my life. “That makes her twenty-eight or twenty-nine now…depending on what month her birthday falls,” Molly’s voice trailed off as she did some mental calculations. “Either way,” she said, smiling. “She’s less than an hour from here.”
“And you think meeting her will help?”
Molly shrugged. “It can’t hurt, Kenz.”
“But she might not want to meet me,” I offered up.
Molly cheeks reddened. “Well, here’s the thing,” she chuckled nervously, tucking her curls behind her ears. “I may have already contacted her.”
“This is scary, Molly,” I admitted, tightening my hold on my mug. “What if we have nothing to say to each other?”
“I’ll be with you,” Molly promised. Reaching over, she patted my knee. “I’ve got your back, Kenny. Besides, I’m good at making conversation.”
I smiled. “That you are.”
Molly sprang into action then.
“I’ll call Hannah,” she told me in an all business tone of voice, as she jumped off the seat and wandered off into the house. “And get everything organized.”
I waited until Molly was out of sight before pulling my phone out of my pocket.
I knew it was selfish, and probably toying with his head, but I just had to talk to him.
My anxiety levels were rising and I needed to hear the sound of his voice to ground me.
Inhaling a deep breath, I pressed the call button and held the phone to my ear.
“Hi. It’s me.”
There was a long pause and then a heavy sigh filled my ears.
“Kenzie,” he whispered. The way he said my name caused the butterflies in my stomach to wake from their month long slumber. “Oh thank god, baby, are you okay? Where are you?”
“I’m okay,” I told him, nodding. “I’m with my dad. I’m in…
I’m safe.”
“Give me the address and I’ll come to you,” he replied instantly, without hesitation.
“It’s not that simple,” I whispered, lowering my free hand to cover my slightly swollen stomach. “I need…a little more time.”
To get up the courage to tell him…
“Yeah, well I need you,” he countered gruffly. “This isn’t fair, Kenzie.”
“I know,” I replied sadly. “I’m sorry.”
“I feel like I’m dying without you,” he confessed. “I need you back, baby. I need a guarantee…something – fucking anything. Just give me a little hope to cling on to.”
“I love you,” I whispered, hoping my love would be enough for him. “I love you more than I love myself, but I need some time on my own. To find myself again.”
“I don’t want to lose you,” he confessed. “And I’m terrified that by giving you space to find yourself, you’ll find reasons not to come back to me – or worse, forget me.”
“You’re unforgettable, Cade Mathews,” I promised. “I couldn’t forget you if I wanted to, and I don’t.”
“I’m not giving up on us,” he declared in a gruff tone. “Not now, or one year from now. I will wait every day of every year until you come back to me.”
“I’M NOT GIVING UP ON US,” I vowed, clinging onto my phone like it was a lifeline. “Not now, or one year from now. I will wait every day of every year until you come back to me.”
She had called me.
This was her voice on the other line. You would think that would that satisfy my craving, but it only made it worse. “Kenzie, come home,” I repeated – I fucking begged. “Please, baby.”
I heard her sigh, and then her sweet raspy voice was filling my ears again.
“I can’t come home yet, Cade,” she said finally, and whatever piece of sanity I had been hanging onto disintegrated. “At least not for a while.”
“Are you punishing me?” I demanded hoarsely. “Because of Emily?”
“No,” she whispered. “It’s just …Cade, I need to go, okay? I love you.”
“No,” I snapped. “No, Mackenzie, don’t you dare hang up on me.”