Hoofin’ It: A Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count)

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Hoofin’ It: A Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count) Page 20

by RJ Blain


  “You’re a feisty little ankle biter, aren’t you?” The vamp’s gaze turned to the slow-healing bite on my shoulder. “Shoulder biter as well, if these old eyes don’t deceive me.”

  A faint hint of red spread across Marian’s cheeks.

  Maybe I shouldn’t have stopped covering the healing wound. A bandage would have kept the vamp from eyeing the scab like it was the main course of his dinner. “See the two dimes beneath it?”

  “Someone tried to rob me of my most desired dessert.”

  “Riddle me this, and I’ll think about letting you have a taste.”

  “Ask.”

  “Are you involved in any sex trafficking operations anywhere in the United States?”

  “No.”

  “Know of a man named Mark O’Conners?”

  Ernesto hissed. “I know of him.”

  “He was the one who tried to rob you of your most desired dessert.”

  “Do you want him gone, dear boy?”

  I smiled, holstered my Ruger, and stepped to Ernesto’s leather couch. I sank onto its sinfully comfortable cushion, stretching out my legs and weaving my fingers behind my head. Goading the vamp ranked high on my list of reckless things I’d done in my life, but if I wanted him to do my bidding, I needed to play his game.

  As long as I didn’t behave like prey, I wouldn’t become prey.

  “I want to know your thoughts on this ring.”

  “Then let’s talk. Dear lady, do sit. Make yourself comfortable. I would escort you to a seat, but it seems I’m taking a break right now.”

  Marian opened her mouth, her expression puzzled. She glanced in my direction, stowed her Ruger, and came to sit beside me. “I was just punned by a vampire I shot, Shane.”

  “You’ll get used to it. Just don’t shoot him in the chest. He likes it.”

  “It tickles nicely.”

  “What have you gotten me into?” she hissed.

  “I suppose introductions are in order. Ernesto, this is Marian Peterson, an FBI agent investigating a sex-trafficking operation. Her last assignment went sour in New York City, resulting in a rather memorable evening in a nightclub in Des Moines. Marian, this is Ernesto Saven.”

  “Shane?” Marian nudged me with her elbow.

  “Yes?”

  “Are you friends with one of the FBI’s most wanted?”

  “Friends? That’s far too small a word for what we share,” Ernesto replied, flashing his pointy pearly teeth.

  “I think you have a lot of explaining to do.”

  “It’s simple. The CPD can’t get anything on Ernesto. They try, as do the local feds. Ernesto likes the game. Few in the CPD are smart enough to figure out how to play it.”

  “And you are?”

  “Oh, dear girl, he was the first. Chicago has been my home since its birth, and he waltzed into my domain like he owned it, kneecapped me, and demanded the location of his partner. He didn’t even knock. He let himself in right under my demons’ noses. It was poetry in motion. I would call him son if he let me.”

  “Breaking and entering plus assault?” Marian demanded. “Him? He wouldn’t.”

  “Oh, he would. My dear boy is such a charmer. He speaks my language.”

  If I let Ernesto continue, Marian would leave thinking I was as much of a crook as the vampire. “He left me an invitation in my partner’s blood on the hood of our cruiser, so it’s not breaking and entering. As for the assault, is it really assault if he likes it?”

  Ernesto threw back his head and laughed. “You’ve stayed away for too long. I’m a vampire, Agent Peterson. I’m old. Of course, at the time, he was his mother’s son, and my ladies had had their way with his partner. I think of it as justifiable aggression.”

  “I’m not sure I understand.”

  “The first step to wisdom is acknowledging one’s ignorance.”

  “He likes thinking he’s clever. Essentially, Mom gets really pissy when someone fucks with her partner. I do, too. I might not have liked the bastard, but toothy here sent a few of his children and one of his succubi out to play catch the cop, and I took offense.”

  “And he knows of your mother?”

  “Of course he does. He can’t be a big bad scary vampire without doing his homework, and after I kneecapped him the first time, he decided to learn more about the cop the other cops shunned. I wouldn’t be surprised if he knows more about me than the FBI does.” I shrugged. “That’s what vamps with too much time on their hands do. They annoy me, toy with the local police force, and otherwise play a complicated game of cat and mouse. Haven’t played much with the vamps?”

  “No. I tend to take sex trafficking cases.”

  “Well, in Chicago, if there’s organized crime, it’s usually run by a vamp or a rat. The vamps do a better job of it since the rats like to gloat. So while the rats gloat, the vamps cover their tracks and make it look like they haven’t broken any laws, when in reality, they are among the worst offenders. To them, finding loopholes in the law is almost as satisfying a hunt as getting a good drink from a human. If the vamps aren’t involved in the crime rings, they’re lawyers or judges, playing the game from the other side of the field. Ernesto prefers to be a solo player against many, so he prefers the illegal side of the fence.”

  “You flatter me, dear boy.”

  “Do you want your elbows shot out next?”

  “Yes, please.”

  Marian giggled. “How many laws am I breaking by just sitting on this couch?”

  Ernesto rested his elbow on one of his ruined knees and feigned a heavy sigh. “None, and it disgusts me.”

  Shifting to get to my Ruger, I drew it and made a show of checking it over and popping the magazine in and out while eyeing Ernesto’s elbow. “You’re bored, aren’t you?”

  “Deathly. Terribly. Morbidly. It’s been so boring since they shifted you to traffic patrols on the surface. Then to give you that awful bauble instead of a proper eye so you can’t come play with me again? I’m offended. I hope your lawyer eats that rat and his client for breakfast.”

  “The clients are the CPD and my former insurance company.”

  “Crooks, both of them.”

  Marian’s frowned. “Did I just hear a vampire crime lord call someone else a crook?”

  “Weird, isn’t it? Maybe later when we don’t have a time limit, he’ll give you some of his colorful commentary. If you want to know the inner workings of the government, crime, and crime’s influence on local economies, talk to Ernesto. There’s a reason the feds have wanted him for years.”

  “There you go flattering me again. If you keep this up, I might think you like me.”

  Vampires didn’t need their elbows, so I shot out both of Ernesto’s. It might challenge him when he fed, but he’d manage—probably. “Hardly.”

  “You love me. You truly love me. If only you were the son of my loins instead of my heart.”

  Shooting out the vampire’s shoulders was rude in addition to cruel and unusual punishment, but I figured if he were bored enough to push my buttons, he’d enjoy overcoming his temporary handicaps. “Hell no. I already have a psycho werewolf for a father and a half-incubus mother. I don’t need a vampire added to the mix.”

  “Why is no one coming to investigate all this gunfire?” Marian muttered.

  I pointed my Ruger at the corners of the room and the tiny cameras mounted near the ceiling. “He’s got his goons watching and listening to the whole thing, that’s why. They might get worried if I go for headshots, but this is nothing.”

  “I thought you said you kneecapped vampires.”

  “I just like starting with their knees. It’s a violent, wholesome way to say hello.”

  “Violence isn’t exactly wholesome. Wholesome implies you leave them whole after you’re done saying hello.”

  I looked over Ernesto’s mangled joints. “But I like it, Marian.”

  “Obviously I’m talking to the wrong person in this room. Better question. Why don’t you beat the
snot out of him for shooting you, Mr. Saven?”

  “Do call me Ernesto, dear girl. It’s quite simple. He asked me not to.”

  “Pardon? He… asked you not to?”

  “Exactly so. He’s human enough it takes him a long time to heal, so I have to play with him in other ways. Last time, I sent Amy to his apartment to rearranged his furniture while he slept, and she rather enjoyed cuddling up to him for the evening. It’s the satin sheets. She loves satin sheets and a quiet, warm man to snooze beside. Also, he panics when he wakes up and he’s not alone in bed when he expects to be, which is so very entertaining.”

  I holstered my Ruger so I wouldn’t be tempted to put a bullet in Ernesto’s throat. “You sent Amy over twenty-seven times last April. I got to the point I left the door unlocked so she wouldn’t have to waste time picking it. What I don’t understand is why she decided to clean the place from top to bottom.”

  “Boredom.”

  “Well, yes. That does tend to happen when you send her to my apartment twenty-seven times in one month.”

  “Once for each time you shot me, and Amy is the only succubus I have on staff you won’t shoot on sight.”

  I scowled. “Still. Twenty-seven times in one month.”

  “You got me back for that, I’ll remind you.”

  Marian sucked in a breath through clenched teeth. “Shane, are you seriously telling me you’re in a prank war with a predominant crime lord?”

  “She’s such a flatterer, dear boy. I like her.”

  No matter what I said, I’d lose. I’d either give Ernesto more ammunition against me or offend Marian. “Then that might work in my favor. Mark O’Conners was involved with her kidnapping and subsequent sale to a sex club in Des Moines. She was initially taken in New York City, recovered, then taken again.”

  “Is this related to the corpse that fell on you?”

  I should have known Ernesto already knew about the murder in New York. “If the corpse had fallen on me, I’d be dead, but yes. Marian was transformed into a rather angry alpaca for shipment.”

  “Alpaca? Like a llama?”

  “A cute, small version of a llama, yes.”

  “My, my. I’d pick up my phone and call someone, but it seems my elbows are out of commission. Do be a dear boy and lend me a hand, would you?”

  I nodded in the direction of the cameras. “No. Ask one of them. They like it when you boss them around.”

  “But you’re more entertaining to boss around.”

  “For fuck’s sake.” I got up, went to his desk, snatched the phone from its cradle, and activated the speaker phone. “Who am I calling?”

  He gave me a number, which I dialed for him before returning to my cozy seat on the couch. On the third ring, a gravelly voice answered, “It is early for you to be calling me, Saven.”

  “Pierce, you owe me a favor.”

  Oh great. Ernesto had called his brother, a vampire living in Georgia who really enjoyed being kneecapped.

  “I hate when you say that.”

  “Stop asking me for favors then. A ring in New York City has overstepped its boundaries. I’m going to make them disappear. You’re going to help me do it.”

  Marian’s mouth opened, and I clapped my hand to her lips so she wouldn’t say anything. The glare she shot me promised retribution later, but until she learned the rules of Ernesto’s games, I couldn’t let her interfere, especially when her job would become a lot easier.

  “This sounds interesting. What’s going on?”

  “My darling boy has two dimes on his shoulder, given to him by Mark O’Conners.”

  “That idiot shot a cop?”

  “Pierce.”

  “Let me correct myself. That idiot shot your cop?”

  “Better. Yes.”

  Vampires. Whenever they found someone interesting, they forgot slavery had been outlawed decades ago. Instead of correcting him, I sighed and shook my head, lowering my hand from Marian’s mouth and signaling for her to remain quiet. She nodded.

  “How did you find out who shot him?”

  Ernesto faked a sniffle. “He took out my kneecaps and my elbows and my shoulders. I’m so happy.”

  “He’s there, isn’t he?”

  “He finally came home to visit me, Pierce.”

  “Gibson, do I need to rescue you?”

  I laughed. “I think I’m all right for now. I’ll let you know if that changes.”

  “I changed my phone number. I’ll text you my new one. You still using that decrepit piece of shit you claim is a cell?”

  “My number hasn’t changed. Also, stop hacking into the police databases to steal phone numbers.”

  “Don’t be a spoilsport, Gibson. Rumor mill says you retired?”

  “Forced out.”

  “Morons. How’d they do it? I was convinced you’d never come to the dark side.”

  Ernesto shot me a look I translated to mean ‘shut up.’ I obeyed, holding my hands up in surrender. “You heard about the accident, yes?”

  “Of course. You called me, wailing your cop had gotten hurt in the line of duty. What about it?”

  “They gave him a glass eye. Plain glass, blue, with bubbles. That’s what they gave him. It’s an offense.”

  “I’m pretty sure that’s what started the court fiasco I keep hearing about. Isn’t the goal to get him something better?”

  After snorting loud enough I jumped, Ernesto bared his teeth and hissed. Marian squeaked, her gaze locked on his pronounced, jagged teeth, evidence the vampire’s hunger was on the rise.

  “Is there a woman with you, Ernie?”

  “She branded my cop with her teeth. So far, she’s quite entertaining and a quick study for a fed. I’m considering giving him my approval.”

  Pierce remained silent for a long moment. “Approval for what?”

  “Stealing his virginity. My succubi are all wailing because they didn’t have a chance to have him first.”

  I slapped my forehead. “I don’t need your approval, Ernesto.”

  “Yes, you do.”

  “Just let him have his fun, Gibson. So who is this little lady of yours? Introduce us already.”

  I hoped Marian would forgive me for involving her with another vampire crime lord. “Marian, Pierce is Ernesto’s brother. Pierce, Marian Peterson. She’s an FBI agent.”

  “Finally found yourself a badge babe, huh?”

  I glanced at Marian, wondering how I could answer without getting into more trouble.

  “Just say yes so they shut up,” she suggested.

  “Yes,” I obediently replied.

  “I like her. So what’s this about Mark O’Conners taking a shot at you?”

  “I accidentally acquired one of the women they were selling in their sex trafficking ring. To get her back, O’Conners gunned me down while I was hoofin’ it back to my parents’ place.”

  Pierce snickered. “Your Nebraska is showing. And the girl?”

  “My badge babe undercover.”

  Marian scowled and drummed her fingers on the grip of her Ruger.

  “You have my attention. The FBI actually got a girl into one of the rings? That’s better than they usually do. Well done, Miss Peterson. That said, as you’re Gibson’s badge babe now, I’m not sure you should continue with that specific line of work. He’s the jealous type and will kill anyone who touches you. Though if you want to bust up every ring in the United States, that would be a good way to do it.” Pierce chuckled, and the sound made my skin crawl. “You’ve asked a fun thing of me, Ernie. Are we really joining forces with an ex-cop and an FBI agent?”

  “I’m fairly certain they’ll be unwilling participants in our activities. You know how these cute law enforcement types get.”

  “All right. Lay it out for me from the beginning. How did you get involved? Walk us through it from the top. I’m taking notes. Ernie, I’ll send you a copy later so you have them, as I’m sure your cop isn’t done putting holes in you.”

  “He said he
might even let me have a taste if I’m really good.”

  “One of these days he’s going to snap and kill you.”

  “That day is not today. Now, to business. Tell us everything you know. It’s been too long since I’ve had a good hunt.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I managed to keep my word to Marian. We escaped from Ernesto’s brothel a little after four, blitzing through Lower Chicago to reach the FBI headquarters with five minutes to spare. Since I drove one of the FBI’s vehicles, the gate guard didn’t charge me an arm or leg to park although he directed me to Lower Chicago to reach the employee lot. Marian kept flexing her hands at every delay, which I interpreted as the woman finally reaching her limit.

  I waited until I was on the road before attempting to soothe her nerves. “The questioning probably won’t be any worse than what we dealt with earlier. I can handle most of the talking if you’d like.”

  “I can’t believe you’re friends with them.”

  Right. Most people in law enforcement hated crooks—or worse, they were a crook pretending they weren’t. “Who else is going to let me shoot them as many times as I want?”

  “What truly disturbs me is that I can’t blame you for that reasoning.”

  I grinned, got out of her SUV, and tossed her the keys. “As far as vamps go, they’re not that bad.”

  “Are you ever going to let him get a taste?”

  “I told him I’d think about it. If I thought about it until the day I died, he’d be happy knowing it’s hanging over my head.”

  “So he’s playing you.”

  “Of course he’s playing me. He’s a vampire. That’s what they do. I’d be worried if he wasn’t trying to play me.”

  Marian frowned, locked the car, and headed across the parking lot. I made sure both my guns were unloaded and the chambers were clear so I could turn the weapons over to security. Her clamming up didn’t surprise me; if the FBI found out she’d just spent several hours keeping a wanted criminal company, they’d start taking a closer look at her professional and personal life.

  I wondered if they’d find anything.

  Some cops kept their noses clean, some turned out like Casey, putting their desires ahead of the job. Some, like me, took advantage of the loopholes hidden in the system to stay on the right side of the law. My relationships with Ed and Ernesto probably put me on the wrong side of the line for the good cops, those who couldn’t tolerate even the whiff of injustice or crime.

 

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