“Um, okay, I guess I don’t understand what you have to figure out.”
Skylar paused and thought before she spoke, “I know it’s easier than ever before to come out, but I’m going into my senior year of high school and I don’t think teenagers are as nice as you think they are, that’s all. I’m not going to tell anyone, Claire, and you need to keep this between us.”
“I will, don’t worry. So, is there anyone you like?”
“No, I don’t want to start anything with anyone from school. That would be weird. I’m going to cruise through my last year of school, go to college or whatever, and see where life takes me.”
“What do you mean or whatever? We had our hearts set of going to college together.”
Skylar paused and took another sip from the bottle, “I’m just not as sure as you about things, that’s all.”
“It’s so funny how everyone thinks I have my shit together. First Ryan tonight and now you.”
“Well, Claire, you act like you have your shit together.”
Claire thought about it for a moment before she spoke, “I’m glad it looks like that, I guess. I don’t know what I’m doing any more than the next girl.”
The girls finished their beers, changed into sweats and hopped into their respective beds. Claire reached over and turned off the table lamp and perched herself up on her elbow to face Skylar.
She sighed and said, “Sometimes I think the only way to figure out who we are and what we want is pinpointing what we’re not and what we don’t want.”
Skylar stayed on her back while responding to Claire, “I think you’re right, big sister… I guess two things are certain—I’m forever the rebel and you’re forever the philosopher, Clairebear.”
“And what else is certain, Skye?”
“Oh, that you’re not going to be Catholic and I’m not going to be straight… and I’m grateful you totally get me. I love you.”
Claire giggled at Skylar’s last words before responding to the sentiment, “I love you, too, Skye. I couldn’t imagine going through this life without you. We have to get through this together….”
“So, you’re no longer going to follow in the footsteps of Aunt Regina, huh? Trading in your Bible to explore all the possibilities?”
Claire smiled, “It’s so funny when I think of visiting Zia when we were younger… all the life-size religious statues in her foyer… and the….”
Skylar laughed, “And the big vats of holy water at each of the doors of her house.”
“You know the priest came every week to bless them, right? But be fair, Skye, they weren’t vats. They just seemed big because we were small.”
“I know, I know, I’m not trying to be mean. It’s just funny to think about… the whole textbook devout way of being in the world.”
“It’s sad though, I think. Those days seem like they’re gone, you know?”
“What days?” Skylar asked, “the days of blindly believing in something to uphold tradition?”
“Well,” Claire said candidly, “I like tradition and I think there’s a place for it, but I’m also ready to explore.”
“Maybe you should talk to Grandma Rose.”
“Yeah,” Claire said, “I was going to ask you about that. I noticed today when we were talking about the pagan side of our family being witches that you knew something I didn’t.”
“Oh, darling sister there’s a whole side of our family you need to explore. Just talk to Grandma Rose.”
Claire forced a half-smile, wondering what Skylar knew that she didn’t.
Chapter Five
The big envelope was an indication that the news was positive. Almost two months had passed since Claire’s birthday party and she was surprised Vanderbilt considered her application response to be ‘early admissions’ when it arrived so close to the end of the school year. She grabbed the enveloped from the mailbox and wrapped it around the smaller envelopes before carrying the load inside.
“Mom!” Claire yelled.
She waited for a response. She waited for any kind of noise in the house and wondered where everyone was while she sat staring at the envelope that would direct the course of her life.
“Where is everyone? Am I really going to get this news alone?” Claire asked herself aloud.
“Well, I’m pretty sure it’s good news. Maybe the time has come to get used to being a grown-up on my own. All alone.”
Claire was on the verge of feeling sorry for herself. She was also on the verge on wondering why Skylar and Ryan were so convinced she had her shit together when the truth of the matter was she was growing more terrified in each passing moment to be away from home and her family.
“This can’t be normal,” she said to herself.
“Claire? What’s not normal? Who are you talking to?”
Claire turned around and saw Sarah in the doorway with Safire and Sadie coming in behind her carrying groceries.
“Oh, no one. I was talking to myself.”
Sarah laughed, “Oh, that’s normal… I do it all the time.”
Sarah couldn’t help but notice the look on her daughter’s face, especially when her last comment would have made Claire smile. She looked down and saw the envelope.
“You didn’t get in?” Sarah asked.
“No. I don’t know. Why would you say that?”
“Well, you look like you just got some bad news, that’s all.”
“Mom, I haven’t opened the envelope yet.”
“Then why the long face, sweetheart?”
“Everything is going to change. Everyone thinks I’m so sure about myself and what I want… and the truth of the matter is I’m scared.”
“Oh, honey, come here.”
Sarah pulled Claire into her chest and hugged her. Claire fell into her mother’s embrace and started to softly cry.
“What’s going on with you? You had your heart set on going off to college and finding your way in the world.”
Claire pulled herself back from her mother and spoke, “You’re right, mom. Everything will be fine. I guess I’m just nervous about leaving home and starting a new chapter in my life.”
Sarah looked into Claire’s eyes and spoke softly, “You’re going to be fine. And if you’re not, you can always come home.”
“Ugh,” Claire said as she rolled her eyes.
Sarah laughed, “Now that’s the girl I know and love.”
“What’s going on, Mom?” Sadie asked.
“Oh, your big sister just needed to set her bearings straight again.”
Claire pulled on the tab of the oversized envelope and slid the pile of papers out from inside. She read the cover letter to herself making sure to move her lips and tease her mother for a moment longer.
“Come on, Claire, I know what you’re doing. Are you in??”
Claire looked up at Sarah and smiled, “I’m in!”
“Oh, God!” Sarah exclaimed, “My baby is going off to college!”
Claire pulled up a barstool from the kitchen counter and sat down before letting out a long sigh of relief. She worked hard to get into a good school and did all the right things to make it happen, but somewhere deep inside of her she felt disappointed. It was as though the anticipation of the moment of finding out whether she was accepted was what she was looking forward to.
“Claire, are you still with us?” Sarah asked.
Claire nodded and smiled, “Yeah, I was just thinking….”
“What? Wait. I know. You want to call Ryan and tell him the good news.”
For the first time Claire could ever remember, she wasn’t entirely looking forward to her cute, little planned out life. The thought of four years of college and dating Ryan throughout that time, getting married after graduation and settling down made her suddenly feel nauseous.
“Ew….” Claire let out the sound before she could control it.
“Ew, what?” Sarah asked.
“I think I liked the idea or the anticipation of this moment
more than I’m digging on the reality of it.”
Sarah ducked her head just enough to see Ryan through the kitchen window getting out of his truck and walking toward the front door.
“Well, I guess we’ll have to put that conversation on hold for now. Ryan is here.”
Claire stood up as the doorbell rang. The girls ran to the front door and jumped and hugged on Ryan until he made his way into the foyer. Every ninth grader in high school had a crush on him and the girls were riding the coattails of their sister being the lucky girl to date him. Claire couldn’t help but notice he seemed a little off. But before she could speak, Ryan wrapped his arms around her and kissed her on the lips. She thought she would melt into his arms and in that moment she decided if her boring little life included college and dating Ryan exclusively until marriage and a mortgage, that she could be ridiculously content. She’d have to tell her mother her sighs and demonstrative seemingly unhappy behavior in the kitchen was a temporary brain-freeze.
“Hey, there, gorgeous, I thought I’d drop by and ask you if you wanted to go to the park or maybe get a bite to eat.”
“Why aren’t you at practice?”
Ryan paused long enough for Claire to take notice. She had been to a few of his games so far this season and it was an entirely different experience to be dating a popular and talented jock—the girls came out just to see him and ogle him, the coaches were always kissing his ass because he made them look good and scouts from all over the country were watching him. Claire may not have liked the girls and coaches giving him so much attention, elevating him to star status when Ryan was just another guy with a talented arm, but she couldn’t understand why scouts were coming to see him when he was already on his way to Vanderbilt.
Ryan sighed, “It’s a long story. I was at practice earlier, but I got in what I needed and asked if I could cut out a few minutes early.”
“Hmm,” Claire said before continuing, “should I tell you my news now or wait until we go somewhere?”
Ryan swooped in and wrapped his hands around Claire’s waist before kissing her again, “Well, if it’s something big and important, I want to hear about it now.”
Claire couldn’t hold back another second, “I got into Vanderbilt, early admissions! We’re going to Vanderbilt together, just like we planned!”
Ryan took a step back and offered a forced smile, “That’s great, Claire, I know that’s what you’ve always wanted.”
“Well, what do you mean, Ryan? Yes, it is what I’ve always wanted, but I thought it was what you wanted, too.”
Claire was far too intuitive to not pick up on Ryan’s sudden weird energy. It was as though he was hiding something from her.
“Hey, let’s just go out and talk and have a good time… maybe get a pizza or something.”
“Are we breaking up, Ryan? Because it sounds like you’re breaking up with me.”
“Clairebear, I’m not breaking up with you, but you need to know some things about me and us and our future since you were accepted into Vanderbilt.”
“Yeah, but it sounded like you were coming over to talk before you knew about my acceptance.”
“Well,” Ryan said admittedly, “I was. But now it’s even more important.”
Claire grabbed her purse and yelled to Sarah she’d be back later. They rode together in silence, a stark contrast to their usual playfulness with one another. Claire missed the lighthearted and flirty ways in which they had been with one another over the last few weeks. A dark cloud, something serious and adult-like, hung over them. She had to remind herself no matter how serious things seemed in the moment and how her heart suddenly felt full and could crack wide open, that she was a happy teenager heading off to college, unencumbered and not in love. She wondered how she could let herself become so vulnerable with a boy and give him her heart the way that she had. It was too late. She started thinking she’d be better off alone, forever.
Ryan held Claire’s hand as they sat on the bench in front of the lake. She leaned her head into his chest and wondered who would talk first. Ryan picked up a few rocks and nervously threw them into the water. Claire watched as they cleverly skipped across the surface, aware it was Ryan’s strong and talented arm making it appear effortless.
“I guess if I don’t talk, nothing will be said,” Claire turned toward Ryan as she spoke.
“Do you know I’ve never felt this way about a girl? You’re smart and funny and kind. You don’t make a big deal about me and baseball….”
“What, like I’m unimpressed or something? I didn’t mean to make you feel…”
Ryan interrupted Claire by gently touching her lips with his fingers.
“It’s not that, Claire. You see a whole different side of me. A side I didn’t even know existed. I know I have a long way to go, but before I met you I felt like a boy. Now I’m starting to realize I have a lot more going on, too. I’m more than a great pitcher.”
Claire was stunned. It was obvious to her that Ryan wasn’t just a baseball player. She wondered why she was the only one who could see through him.
“I never realized how other people saw you or defined you, Ryan. I mean, yeah, you’re really good at baseball, but you’re good at a lot of things….”
Claire trailed off, unsure of where the conversation was headed.
“Can you tell me why we’re talking about all this Ryan? Just be straight with me, kay?”
“I’m not going to Vanderbilt with you this fall.”
Claire was certain she was going to die of a broken heart. There was nothing to say, nothing to console her. She still could not believe that another human being could take her heart so quickly and turn her into a weak, squishy, dependent and heartsick girl. The sensation surprised her and made her sick at the same time. She wondered who she had become, why she was already so attached to Ryan and what she could do to try and regain some dignity.
“Claire? You okay?”
Claire continued to stay silent. She almost chuckled at the thought she had back at home. She was actually worried about a cookie-cutter life with Ryan and now that was all she wanted. She had to get her shit together in her mind. She needed to say something.
“I don’t understand, are you going somewhere else? Is it because of me? What happened?”
“You know those scouts that were coming to see me play this year?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, they were from the Majors. They want me to come and play baseball.”
“What?!?” Claire was stunned.
“I know!” Ryan said with matched enthusiasm.
“You’re going to skip college?!?”
“Oh shit, I thought you were excited for me.”
Claire couldn’t wrap her mind around the conversation. She was waiting for Ryan to break up with her. She was waiting for… she wasn’t sure what she was waiting for. She had to get a grip and not make any of this about her. Ryan was going to play Major League baseball and she couldn’t imagine what it must feel like to realize your biggest dream ever while still in high school.
“I’m so sorry for being selfish. I just had plans, I guess, for us at school… which is so stupid, really. We’re both so young. What was I thinking, Ryan? I’m so happy for you. It’s unreal for me right now, but I’m so happy for you.”
He wrapped his arm around her and they sat in silence for the next few minutes.
“You know, Claire, its funny how you thought I’m changing my plans to avoid going to college with you, especially because you’re so unimpressed with me being a baseball star.”
“You’re ridiculous. Is your head going to get exponentially bigger now? Should I be swooning and joining your fan club?”
Ryan laughed out loud. He would never tell Claire how much he appreciated that she wasn’t the kind of girl to be a part of his fan club.
“I guess it’s kind of weird to tell you I like you because you’re not all that impressed with me.”
Claire snapped up from her comfortab
le position cradling in Ryan’s arms.
“Wait a minute. I’m totally impressed. You’re talented in ways that I couldn’t imagine, but I see so many other things in you, that’s all. Besides, I’m not a swooner. I just don’t have that in me.”
“Good,” Ryan said before he kissed Claire deeply on the lips, “I don’t know what our futures will bring, but always know I love you for really wanting to know me.”
Claire lay back on the bench and rested her head in his lap. Ryan brushed her hair away from her face and gazed into her eyes.
Claire sighed deeply, “Maybe we should just have a great summer and not worry so much about the future.”
“Yeah,” Ryan said, “Let’s do that, let’s have a great summer.”
Ryan didn’t have the heart to tell Claire he might be leaving right after graduation.
“Are you going to be on TV, like a New York Yankee?”
Ryan chuckled, “I don’t think it works that way. I’ll start out playing for a farm team. It looks like I’ll be heading west, though. San Francisco is interested in me.”
“Hmm,” Claire responded, “Maybe I can come and visit on break or something. I’ve never been out west before.”
Chapter Six
“I’m done with high school. I’m not going back.”
“Well, Skylar, I don’t think that’s an option.”
Earl, Sarah and their girls sat around the table on the back porch and passed serving bowls around for dinner. Earl grabbed an empty platter and spatula to take hamburgers and hot dogs off the grill. Summer had officially begun, his girls were out of school, and everyone was looking forward to Claire’s graduation ceremony.
Earl cleared his throat as he stood up, “What did I miss, Skylar? You’re not the one graduating. You still have your senior year to enjoy before moving on to the next phase of your life.”
Sarah interrupted Skylar before she could speak, “She’s being silly, Earl, don’t think anything about it.”
“Well, I’m not being silly. I’m done with high school,” Skylar said indignantly.
Earl smiled. He appreciated his second oldest daughter’s wild side, “Why don’t we revisit this after your sister’s graduation? If you have an idea or a plan, we can always talk about it.”
Twist of Fate Page 5