“Ciao, Zia!” Claire said excitedly.
“Ciao, bella! Come stai?”
“Oh, Zia, sono un po’ triste…”
“Bella, why are you a little sad?” Regina asked in English, “You’re whole world is about to get molto grande!”
“Si, Zia, but this boy is leaving and I kinda fell for him this summer.”
“Love is a beautiful thing isn’t it?” Regina hesitated and spoke again, “But you have things to do, ragazza, you have to discover yourself now.”
“Well, Zia, that’s exactly what I figured out, so… I’m going to suck it up and move on, but I do have to go say goodbye to him, Zia. He’s leaving really soon, like in the next hour or two.”
“Go give him a kiss and tell him how you feel. No matter what happens, this is how he’ll remember you.”
“Yeah, you’re right… that’s a great way to look at this. I want him to remember me like that, happy and starry-eyed… Ti amo, Zia,” Claire said.
“Buona fortuna, my dear. I love you and would like to see you before you leave for school. Let’s make plans, va bene?.”
“Va bene, Zia, I’m free from now until I leave… it’s not for another week, so I’ll come over maybe Sunday?”
“Perfetto, bella, a presto.”
“See you Sunday!”
Claire hung up the phone and sighed. She could hear it in Zia’s voice that her aunt was getting older. She sounded just a little bit shaky and she didn’t have her normal level of energy in her tone. Claire looked forward to hanging out on Sunday and it would be a good respite from obsessing about Ryan, too. Claire looked at her phone. Ryan would be gone in a couple of hours.
“Mom!” Claire yelled, “I’m going to Ryan’s!”
Ryan’s truck was filled with his stuff when she arrived. Ryan greeted Claire with hug big enough to sweep her off the ground.
“Hey, Ryan,” Claire said.
“Hey, yourself, Claire Sinclair.”
“I sort of didn’t think this day would ever come, you know? Like time would stop when everything was amazing for us,” Claire said.
“Yeah, but you know time moving forward is cool, too, Claire. Just think, the next time we see each other….”
Silence fell between them. They spent a lot of time over the last few weeks trying to figure out if they should date, casually stay in touch or split apart, cold-turkey style. They decided to move on with their lives and stay in touch.
“The next time I see you, you’ll be pitching for the Yankees,” Claire said as she toyed with his shirt collar.
Ryan laid his lips on Claire’s and kissed her deeply. He stood back and she knew. They weren’t finished. She didn’t know what it meant, but she knew. No one other than Zia Regina would understand it. Sarah sometimes understood Claire’s intuition, but there were times when Claire could tell by the look on her mother’s face she was skeptical. Claire thought paying attention to one’s own intuition had to be the most honest thing a person could do for themselves, but she knew it wasn’t always in her mother’s wheelhouse.
“Is that a psychic vision, Claire, or are you just saying that?”
“I guess we’ll have to find out, huh?” Claire giggled again, just like she had been, unbridled, in the last few weeks. She was giddy. She wasn’t exactly saying goodbye after all.
“Hey, let’s go inside and hang out for a few minutes.”
Claire sat on the couch, took off her shoes and curled her feet underneath her. Ryan snuggled up next to her and put the palm of her hand in his. They didn’t say a word for several minutes. Claire thought about the silence between them beginning to seem uncomfortable, but not saying anything and being close seemed like the best thing they could do. She was over feeling her heart break in two. She put her hand on her chest to feel her heart beating, reassuring herself that she was physically fine. There was nothing she or Ryan could do. These were their last hours together that quickly deteriorated into minutes. Minutes, Claire thought. My life was going to change in minutes.
“So, we’ll text and email and talk, right?” Ryan asked.
“Yeah, we will. As soon as I get to school, I’ll text you my snail mail address, just in case you want to send me a care package,” Claire giggled.
“I’ll give you a care package right here, tough girl,” Ryan picked up a pillow and threw it at Claire. He jumped on her and started tickling her. She started tickling him back until they fell on the floor, hysterical over their antics.
“Ahhh, I’m going to miss you and this, Ryan,” Claire lay in his arms with her back on the floor and gazed into his eyes.
“I will never forget this summer, Claire, I’m going to miss you, too.”
“Hey, Ryan, are you here?”
“Yeah,” Ryan jumped up, “Dad, I’m in the living room.”
“Hey, son… oh, hey, Claire, I should have guessed you’d be here.”
“Yeah, I am, Mr. White, but I’m getting ready to leave. Obviously.”
“Well, I know this is tough on you kids, but he’s only a flight away. Maybe you guys can catch up sooner than you think.”
Mr. White turned to Ryan, “It’s time we get on the road, son, we’ve got quite a drive ahead of us. I’ll be outside.”
Claire smacked her hands at her side, “Well, I guess this is it.”
“Yeah, it is. But I’ll call and text, I promise.”
Ryan hugged Claire tightly and kissed her more passionately than any make-out session to date. They walked outside and hugged again.
“I really am going to miss you, Claire.”
“I know.”
Ryan laughed.
“And I’m going to miss you, too, Ryan.”
Claire stayed and watched as Ryan and his Dad got in the car and put on their seatbelts. Time had slowed down to remind Claire in each exaggerated, sustained second how much all of this sucked. She watched the car back out of the driveway, she watched as Ryan waved from the window as she felt her hand somehow make its way up in the air in response to the gesture and she watched as the reverse lights went off. Ryan was in forward motion. It was her version of Casablanca, without the War and the plane, she thought. Ryan, her first love, was gone. Maybe.
Chapter Thirteen
Hey, come hang out with me. I’m at the coffee shop.
Claire’s phone chimed less than a second after she watched Ryan’s car disappear from view. It was a text from Skylar, the sister who had been laying vey low as of late.
Skylar had been all over the place since her drunken, stoned night where she announced she’d be switching teams in order to make out with Brad. She missed out on the pseudo-drama of their parents finding the condom on Claire’s bed, she missed Sarah having more than one meltdown about her girls leaving at the same time and she missed the darkness Claire was wading through as she said goodbye to Ryan.
Skylar had already checked out of her life and was ready to hit the Big City, but Claire made the grown-up decision to not hold it against her sister and best friend. Claire recognized that her heart may have been broken over a boy, but at least she knew it was a boy that she wanted. Skylar couldn’t yet put a finger on which gender she was attracted to and Claire was sure her confusion and her own potential darkness took precedence over her own recent heartache. Claire thought maybe she was the one who needed to be there for her sister.
Be right there;)) Xoxo
Claire became acutely aware that her walk to the coffee shop was time-limited. She would be leaving for school in less than a week. She felt stupid for sounding so utterly histrionic in her own mind, knowing if her ruminations had actually escaped her mouth to form words that she’d irritate everyone around her and make herself sick with teenage self-indulgence.
She didn’t feel like she was afraid of change and she certainly didn’t feel all that afraid in general—she was good at making friends, she liked meeting new people, she liked learning. Claire was a romantic. This was where her problems lied. Claire was a dying breed of peop
le who enjoyed putting moments on pause to soak them in. She particularly liked to pause and soak things in when life was really good, but in the moment she felt as though she had not only said goodbye to Ryan, she was saying goodbye to the place where she grew up and the place where she’d return again but as a grown-up. Of course she was verklempt, as Rachel would say. Claire was just plain choked up. Her childhood was becoming a memory.
Her steps were deliberate as she approached the front door of the local café. Skylar was in the corner sitting in a comfy chair. It was Claire’s favorite hang-out spot in the whole place. She wondered why Skylar looked different and began to wonder if she was imagining things.
“Hey, Clairebear,” Skylar said smiling as though their lives were static.
“Hey, Skye,” Claire responded as she threw her purse on the table, “I’m going to order a latte, are you good?”
“I am good, sis... I’m great, as a matter of fact.”
Claire could swear Skylar sounded fantastic. She did an all-over visual inspection of her sister from head to toe and had to agree, “You look great, Skye.”
Claire sat down next to Skylar and rested her head on her shoulder after getting her latte.
“Sorry I haven’t been there for you these last few weeks,” the girls chimed to one another in unison followed by a burst of laughter.
They continued to try to speak over one another in the excitement of their reconnecting.
“Okay, you go first, Claire… how are you doing after seeing Ryan off?”
“It’s sad, but I’m okay. I really like him, ya know? But on the way over here, I realized I’m sort of sad about everything… him leaving, you leaving, me leaving… I like change, I guess, but this is a little much.”
“Yeah,” Skylar agreed, “but you could look at it like a new phase or adventure. Why would you want to stay a kid in this town forever? That’s what’s fucking scary, don’t you think?”
Claire sat in silence for a minute and tried to wrap her mind around Skylar’s words. That was scary, Claire thought. The idea was to go away to school, get a great education and do something… important or meaningful. Claire realized that she was on the verge of creating her own life and future and that was exciting.
“Get out of the past, Clairebear, and away from all your romantic notions that life should be a romantic comedy. Or sometimes with you I think it might be slightly more macabre.”
“No, you’re right, Skye, I get so wrapped up in my thoughts. But I also get rattled when a plan falls through, you know? I think it’s legit.”
“Yeah, well, don’t get so caught up in what you expect and forget to live… ride the wave or whatever.”
“So, enough about me, where have you been, what have you been doing, Skye?”
“I needed some space from Mom.”
“Well, you’re leaving this week. Don’t you think you should be spending more time with her now? And where have you been staying?”
“I know I should be hanging out as much as possible, but Felicia is back up here this week and I had to get my affairs in order, so to speak.”
“What the fuck does that mean? You’re seventeen for God’s sake, Skye. Get your affairs in order?”
“Well, you know I have to move in with Rachel, it’s a part of the deal with Mom and Dad.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“So, Mom and Rachel have some private high school all picked out for me. I’m just not into it, so I’ve been doing my own research… on the side, I guess.”
“And?”
“Well, Felicia thinks I should go to art school or design school… something more creative and entrepreneurial, I guess.”
“Yes, a school that wouldn’t prompt Vanderbilt to give you a second glance on your application.”
“I don’t want to go to Vanderbilt anymore. Please don’t be mad and don’t tell Mom and Dad,” Skylar begged as she looked into Claire’s eyes.
“Holy crap,” Claire said, “so, you’re back to being gay and have no intentions of going to college and I’m supposed to keep quiet.”
“Yes. And here’s the thing, I’m going to conform to whatever I have to do to keep my promise to Mom and Dad and Rachel, but once I turn eighteen I want to feel like I have options.”
Claire tried to suppress her feelings as best as she could. Skylar was making a little bit of sense, even though Claire couldn’t tell how much of her plans were her ideas or Felicia’s. That’s what bothered Claire the most. She wanted to be sure Skylar was making decisions in her best interest, not Felicia’s.
“Ugh, I have to be honest, Skye, I want you to be happy and if you need to grow into a bigger maverick than you already are, fine. But don’t let a pushy, older woman with potentially her own agenda dictate your choices for you. If I were with a guy like that, you’d be totally freaked out.”
“I’ll be careful. I would be so mad if an older guy was influencing you unduly.”
“Let’s just always watch each other’s backs, kay?”
“Okay, always,” Skylar responded.
“Nice words you’ve been using today, by the way, Skye… like SAT words or maybe you’ve downloaded a thesaurus app on your phone.”
“Very funny, Clairebear. I just want to stay in the academic loop, so when you’re done with college and I’m a famous, ill-educated artist that you’ll still speak with me.”
The girls laughed out loud and sipped their coffees.
“So, what’s been happening with you since I’ve been on the lam over at Felicia’s?” Skylar asked.
“Before I tell you, you’ve been checking in with Mom and Dad, right? Because they haven’t said anything to me at all,” Claire hung her head and smiled.
“What? What have I missed?”
“Well, the girls are at basketball camp, so I’ve been home alone, seeing Ryan as much as possible. We dragged you home that night last week wasted and you were gone by morning….”
“Yeah, Felicia texted me. She came up this way to be a clown at some kid’s birthday party.”
“Well, what you don’t know is before Ryan and I met you at that party where you almost made out with Brad….”
“What do you mean, almost made out with Brad?”
“Oh shit, we really haven’t talked. You were on the verge of switching teams again, Skye. It was cute. You were having a good time and Brad was really sweet….”
Skylar looked Claire in the eyes and whispered, “Did anything happen?”
“No,” Claire whispered back jokingly, “nothing happened. He was being cute and protective, actually….”
“Oh,” Skylar said, “that’s good to hear. He’s a good guy.”
Claire smiled and said pointedly, “Ryan and I were about to have sex in our bedroom just a few minutes before we came down to the lake.”
“No, that’s impossible.”
“Well, not if you put our beds together, it’s not.”
“Ew, please don’t tell me….”
“Whatever, Skye, you and Felicia were totally making out on my bed when I walked in.”
“It’s different, though.”
“What? Why?” Claire asked.
“I don’t know, boys are dirtier or something,” Skylar said making an exaggerated face.
“Whatever. Are you going to listen to my story?”
“Sorry.”
“Anyway, Ryan fell between our beds and it ruined the mood, so we went to the lake and that’s where we ran into you.”
“And?”
“We left the unused rubber back at the house and Mom and Dad found it,” Claire said without elaboration.
“Holy shit, how was that?” Skylar asked.
“Well, it was embarrassing, especially because we hadn’t done anything. But Mom and Dad were cool, I mean, they appreciated that Ryan and I were being responsible and I think they were both relieved that we waited.”
“Wow, I guess I’d be a disappointment to them. I didn’t wait with Felicia. What are you w
aiting for, Claire? Sex is amazing, you know.”
“I’m sure it is, Skye, I caught glimpses of it. It’s just different with a guy, I think.”
“Yeah, I’m sure it is.”
“Look,” Claire said, “I was trying to figure out why I always have to be the good girl and make the right decisions….”
“And you realized just how Catholic you are?” Skylar asked with a grin.
“No. I mean, I thought about it. I thought about all of it. Being older and responsible, feeling guilty or too religious… and it occurred to me….”
“Yeah?”
“No one up until Ryan was worthy of being in my vagina… I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders, Skye. I’m not a conformist or a prude, I happen to respect my body and my vagina is sacred— off limits to boys that are….”
“Not good enough?” Skylar asked.
“Yup. I totally rock. I really was beginning to think there was something wrong with me.”
“I love you, Clairebear. You’re like the best sister ever.”
“I love you, too, Skye. And I think you’re the best sister ever.”
Claire and Skylar watched the locals come and go from the coffee shop and continued their banter until dinnertime.
“So, come home tonight. I’m going to text Mom and tell her we’ll be there for dinner,” Claire said.
“Um, let me think about it,” Skylar said.
“Something is going on with you, Skye. Why are you avoiding our parents?”
“It’s not so much Dad, he’s pretty much okay with whatever I do. I just feel like Mom wants me to be something I’m not. So, I thought if I laid low for a few days before I left, it would be better for everyone all around.”
“Okay, well, I’m not going to talk you into anything, but I want you to come with me to Zia’s on Sunday. Say goodbye to her before you leave. She never goes to The City and you don’t know when you’ll see her again.”
“Okay, I’ll go with you, Claire.”
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