“I can’t do anything for him,” she said to me. “He doesn’t have much time.”
As she said this, we watched his breathing cease. He stilled in her arms, and we both looked at each other, unsure of what to do. The bad feeling I had grew worse, and I remember taking my gun and aiming it at the dead man in her lap. I just had to be certain. I told her to back away from him, and her eyes grew wide as she got what I was trying to say. However, as she started to lower his head to the ground and inch away from him, the dead man groaned and grabbed a hold of her arm. He sank his teeth into her and she screamed, tearing herself away as quickly as she could. I fired my weapon into his head and he stilled once more.
I don’t remember much about the run back to our compound, just that I’m certain we were both crying. We got back as quickly as we could, and explained to the others what had happened. Dan grabbed Olivia and immediately began pulling the layers of clothing off of her body. The zombie had bitten clean through her parka and had ripped her thermal clothing underneath. She had a nasty bruise in the shape of his teeth; however, it looked as if he had only broken through a tiny little spot on her skin. There was a drop of blood on her arm. We are hoping and praying she has escaped infection.
We will watch and wait with baited breath. We can’t lose her. Not now. Not like this. It would be too cruel.
* * * Xuân * * *
We followed the tracks in the wrong direction. The wrong fucking direction. Oh God, it should have been me and Mike who found the truck.
The wrong direction! Why did I do that? STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.
February 22
It has only been one day since Olivia and I encountered the soldier, and she is already annoyed with us for watching her every move. Even the triplets are watching her carefully. They think it’s all a great game on our part. Every sniffle, every sneeze, every twitch is noted by us, and she can’t stand it.
She has a low-grade fever, and the mark on her arm appears to be swollen and red. But the fever could be written off as a cold. We all sort of have one right now. The mark’s redness and swelling could be her body’s reaction to being bitten. A similar thing happened to Mike when Boba bit him. This does not have to be the beginning of the end for her. Maybe we’re deluding ourselves into believing everything will be all right, but we have to think that way.
We ran out of our stash of toilet paper today, and I was able to swipe a few extras from the soldier’s truck, as well as some acetaminophen and some other medications. I am happy to have these on hand.
Everything is going to be okay. Such a small mark can’t kill a person. I refuse to believe that.
* * * Xuân * * *
I know that it’s going to happen. Olivia puts on a brave front, but she knows it too. She saw me sharpening my machete and checking the safety on my gun. We’ve both known it since she came back. Crypto hissed at her. It makes sense that animals can sense the change.
I don’t know how long this is going to take. I won’t do it before it’s time. I won’t let Alexis do it. It should have been me at the truck.
February 23
I get the feeling that Olivia is feeling worse than she’s letting on to us. A couple of times, Samantha came to me saying that Attie Olive is acting “wobbly.” She also seems slightly flushed, and she’s rubbing her bitten arm more than I feel is normal.
Dan came to me with concerns as well. He says that she was thrashing about in her sleep last night, and it felt as if he were sharing a bed with a furnace. Xuân and I are very worried. We’ve known Olivia for over thirteen years, and she has always been a bit of a private person. We can see how scared she is right now. It’s written all over her face, but she would never come and tell us any of this. She has been the one we’ve all gone to with our own concerns, but this would not be reciprocated. I wish she’d tell us what she is feeling. I think we can all guess what she’s afraid of. It’s the fear at the forefront of all of our minds right now.
She fumbled a few dishes while setting the table for dinner tonight, and I heard her swear under her breath. I pretended I didn’t see anything. If she wants to pretend she’s fine, I will give her this for now. We ate dinner together, and it was one of the most awkward meals I’ve been at in so long. We all made pathetic attempts at small talk, trying desperately to ignore the elephant in the room. Olivia sat with her eyes downcast, knowing how we are all feeling, and all she did was push her food around her plate. I don’t know if this was done because she was suffering from a lack of appetite, or if she was feeling so uncomfortable she didn’t want to eat anything. I am so concerned for my friend. I wish she’d speak to me.
February 24
Olivia collapsed today while trying to prepare a salad for lunch. Benjamin ran to get me from where I was making the bed. I went into the kitchen area to find my friend lying half-conscious on the floor. She was babbling incoherently, and when I put my hand to her forehead, I was shocked to feel how hot she was to the touch. It was as if I’d stuck my hand into a fire. She was covered with a light sheen of sweat. I screamed for help, and Dan and David came running. Together we carried Olivia into the bedroom. We pulled up her sleeve and saw that her bite mark looked redder and more swollen today than it had before. We forced her mouth open and got her to swallow some acetaminophen with water and put a cold compress on her head. I left her with Dan, who sat stroking her hair and holding her hand. I grabbed my parka and ran to find Xuân and Mike.
Xuân was aghast when I told her how far Olivia’s condition had deteriorated. We ran back into the house, Xuân throwing her outerwear onto the floor as she went. We all entered Olivia’s room to find her in the same state she had been when I had left.
That night, we all held vigil by her side. We took turns getting food and ate sitting by her. David and I let the kids come in to see her, and we alternated who was with them. Around midnight, she seemed to come back to us for a while. She chatted with us as if nothing had happened. We talked about movies she wanted to watch while she recovered from her “flu,” and plays we’d perform when we returned home. She and Dan talked about their future together. Despite her best efforts to convince us that she was going to be fine, we all saw the truth.
A few hours later, Olivia was asleep. Dan suggested to us that we should all probably get some rest while we could. Reading between the lines, we saw that he didn’t think we had much time left with her and that tomorrow would be a very hard day for us all.
February 25
Dan came into our room early this morning to get me. Olivia had woken up and had asked for Xuân and me. I went out into the hall to find Xuân standing and blinking blearily in the early morning light. We went into the sick room to find Olivia propped up in bed. She asked Dan to leave and gestured for us to join her. We did and sat by her side. I took her hand to find it cold and clammy. Her eyes were bright and I could see that we didn’t have much time left with our friend.
“I know what’s happening,” she said. Her voice was soft and she seemed to be having trouble breathing.
“You’re going to be fine,” Xuân said. She was fighting back tears, as was I.
“You’re such a liar,” Olivia said, with a quiet laugh. “I will not be fine. But I need something from you.”
“Anything,” I said to her.
“When I die, I do not want Dan to be the one to kill the zombie me,” she said. “He can’t have my blood on his hands. It would destroy him and I cannot allow that. I love him, and I don’t want his last memory of me to be of putting a bullet in my brain. Please promise me he won’t have to do that.”
“I promise,” Xuân said. She was crying softly now.
“I do, too,” I said.
“Thank you,” Olivia said to us. Her eyes looked at us with such love. I don’t know what we’ll do without her.
We brought Dan back into the room and he went straight to her side. We left together and stood for a while in the hall. Neither of us was sure of what to say to each other.
&
nbsp; “Which one of us should do it?” Xuân finally asked.
“I don’t think either of us wants to, but you’re right, we should decide now. One moment of hesitation could lead to another of us being bitten,” I said.
“Rock, paper, scissors?” Xuân suggested.
I gave a hollow laugh. “Funny,” I told her. “I’ll do it. I was there when she was bitten. I’ll finish it.”
Xuân nodded. “Okay. You’ll do it.”
We went back to our rooms to get dressed for the day. I had a feeling it was going to be a long one.
She hung on all day. She spoke to everyone and had some heavily supervised time with the children. I think they understand how sick Olivia is. I tried explaining to them what was going on, but they don’t get the concept of death just yet. This is going to be hard for them.
It’s now late, and Xuân and I are taking shifts to sit with Dan. I don’t think she’ll last the night. Her lungs are making a strange rattling sound as she breathes. I don’t think this can go on much longer. I can’t sleep at all. I keep waiting to hear word from Xuân that it’s time. This waiting is excruciating.
February 26
I had no strength to write yesterday. I don’t even know if I can get through it today. I’ll try though. I owe it to her to finish her story.
Olivia survived through the night. I eventually woke up to my children sitting around me. Samantha had some of my hair in her hands, and she was twirling it around her fingers. Ethan and Benjamin were fighting over Benjamin’s blanket. If I didn’t know better, I would have sworn it was just another day. Everything was so peaceful. I don’t even remember when I had fallen asleep the night before, or how that had happened.
I disengaged myself from my children and pulled on some clothes. I went straight for Olivia’s room to check in on her. I found Dan sitting with her head in his lap, leaning against the wall, a look of utter exhaustion on his face. I gave him a small smile and said good morning to him. He told me that after her conversation with Xuân and me, she had fallen asleep. She hadn’t woken up since. I nodded to him and went to the kitchen where Xuân was already sitting with David and Mike. All three of them had cups of coffee. This struck me as odd, since David had never drunk coffee in all the years I’ve known him. He caught me eyeing the mug in his hands and shrugged.
“I figured we’d all need the caffeine today,” he said to me.
I just nodded. I prepared two plates of food and two mugs of coffee, and returned to Dan and Olivia. I gave him the second plate and mug and sat to eat my breakfast with him.
The hours crept by that day. We all watched our friend for any change in her condition. Occasionally, she would twitch in her fevered sleep, whimpering as if she were having nightmares. We couldn’t get any medication into her to lessen her symptoms. None of us wanted the children in there with us, but we also didn’t want to leave her. Eventually, we all took shifts away from Olivia to make sure the triplets weren’t causing too much trouble. Mike came back in from his babysitting shift with a pile of cards. Apparently, Ethan, Benjamin, and Samantha had made Olivia Get Well Soon cards in anticipation of her coming back to them.
Around suppertime, Olivia opened her eyes and saw us all sitting around her. She smiled at each of us and squeezed Dan’s hand. She closed her eyes once more and gave a shuddering sigh. I sent David out of the room with the children. Her chest moved no more after that. She was gone. I pulled Dan away from her and reached for my gun. Suddenly, I heard a loud bang and looked up to see Xuân holding her weapon, tears in her eyes.
“I couldn’t let you do it,” she sobbed. “You already blame yourself.”
We gathered Olivia’s body up in the sheets and took her outside where we built a pyre and burned her right away. The kids joined us, wondering what was happening. I told them that Auntie Olivia had got too sick to come back, and was gone forever. I tried to be as gentle as I could with them.
During the funeral, accompanied by Mike, I sang, “No One is Alone” from Olivia’s favourite musical, Into the Woods. Xuân spoke about our friend and how amazing she was to us all. Dan tried to speak but couldn’t. Samantha looked at the flames and just said that she loved her auntie and hoped she felt better.
It has been nearly thirty-six hours since Dan last spoke. We are all very worried about him. Yesterday, I didn’t even notice how broken he seemed. I needed some time to myself and went straight to my room after the funeral. I just sat and cried until I had no tears left. Feeling empty, I went into the kitchen to find Xuân, Mike, and David sitting with a half-empty jug of moonshine. I grabbed a glass and joined them. We sat and drank to Olivia. Dan had apparently gone to the room he had shared with her and closed the door. He didn’t want to be disturbed. Mike reassured us by saying that his friend was unarmed.
Today, Dan joined us for meals, but he has remained silent. We are all hurting, but his silence is eerie. I will give him a couple of days, and then we need to find some way to help him. I don’t know how, since we are all suffering the same loss. I want my friend back.
February 27
Dan went off on his own for most of the day. Mike came into breakfast agitated that his friend had wandered off and left the compound. At first, we were concerned that he was going to go and do something stupid. His silence had us all a little unnerved, and this episode didn’t do much to calm us all down. We felt a little bit better upon discovering that he had a pack with him and some food and drink, so he was clearly not going off recklessly. He had a sort of plan of action; we just had no idea what it was.
As the hours ticked by, I did my best to stay occupied. David and I dealt with a lot of questions from the children. They are having a great deal of difficulty understanding the concept of “gone forever.” They thought that maybe their Auntie Olivia was playing a game with them and they just had to find her. They seem to miss her greatly. We all do.
I brought us out here to be safe. This was what I had promised. I feel that I broke that promise to her in the worst way possible. I can’t help going through the scenario over and over again in my mind. Maybe if I had realized sooner that the soldier had been bitten. Maybe if I had shot him immediately. Maybe if I had been the one to pull him from the truck. Maybe, maybe, maybe…How could I not have seen what would happen? The signs were all there! The passenger who had been shot in the head, the bloody driver, the car that showed all those signs of a struggle. I feel so stupid, and my stupidity got my friend killed.
I spoke to Xuân about what I was feeling. She told me that it was not my fault. Had I seen any bite marks on him? No, I had not. Had I seen any signs that his passenger had any bite marks, or had bitten anyone? No. I had not seen any blood around the mouth or any other signs of trauma on the passenger. So we could not necessarily have known what had happened.
I still feel responsible, even though her talk did help me a little. I just have to live with this.
Dan returned sometime after dinner. He walked in the front door, and we all looked up in relief. He saw how concerned we all had been for him, and sighed.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
I think we all let out a collective sigh of relief at his words. He smiled at us a little.
“I just needed to see where it happened,” he said to us. “I only knew her for a little while, but I loved her. I am going to miss her terribly.”
“We all loved her, and we will all miss her,” Xuân said to him. “We need to help support each other.”
“I know that,” Dan said. “I’ll try.”
He sat down and joined us at the table, and Ethan climbed into his lap and hugged him tight.
“Don’t go way too,” he said to him.
“I won’t,” Dan promised.
More promises. I don’t know if any of us can promise anything anymore.
* * * Xuân * * *
I went back with Mike to the truck. We scavenged what we could. Well, he scavenged while I stared at the soldier on the ground. Why did they open the door? Why d
id they hold him while he was dying? Why did I follow the wrong tracks?
Alexis was beating herself up about it, but how was she to know? Like I said, she’s the humanity part of our group, while I am probably the dark pit. She and Olivia tried to help, while I would have left him on the ground next to the truck. They saw a wounded man, and me, I would have seen a potential threat.
I smashed the dead soldier’s head in with my crowbar. Then I stomped on his head until it was mush. Icy mush, made me think of Frosters from the convenience stores in the summer. If they had hard bone bits and teeth and hair mixed in. Weird, the thoughts that come to you.
I didn’t scream. I didn’t want any of his body getting into my mouth. But I wanted to make sure he was very, very dead.
My legs hurt when I was done.
Mike didn’t say anything. Just stood by while I worked it out.
When I stopped, he moved next to me. “Are you done?”
“Yes…I think so.”
“Okay. What do you want to do now?”
“I don’t want him in any of the pits. I just want to roll him under some bushes or something. I don’t want to run across his fucking body again. I just…I WANT THIS TO GO AWAY.”
“Leave it to me. Go sit in the clearing behind us. I’ll hum a bit so you know where I am.”
I went and sat on a log. I was outsourcing. Or man-sourcing. When he was done doing whatever, he came over and said, “You’re so leeetle from this angle. All angles really. You mislaid your legs growing up?”
The Bath Salts Journals (Volume 1) Page 12