David shook me awake. He said I had been crying in my sleep. I told him what I’d dreamt. He tried to reassure me that I’d done my best for us all. I love that man. I don’t know what I’d do without him. He has been my rock through all of this. I hope he has been sharing all his fears with me, as I have been doing with him.
March 11
We heard our mystery vehicle again today, only this time, the engine stopped and the silence was broken by gunshots. The fact that this was heard only served to punctuate the similarities between this strange car and the one that led to Olivia’s death.
We are all on edge now. These gunshots and engine noises sounded closer than the sounds have ever been. They are definitely making their way here. We don’t know what to expect, or who these people could be. Xuân surmises that they may be soldiers who are scouting the terrain and clearing it of dangers. Mike feels that anyone who survived in the cities may be now heading our way. Therefore, we need to be on the lookout for people desperate for supplies. Desperate people can be the most dangerous.
The rest of the day passed by uneventfully. The children played with the animals in the yard. The goats were released from their pen and seemed to enjoy being chased and herded by Sebastian, Ethan, Benjamin, and Samantha. The adults sat and watched in amusement. We were almost able to forget our fears for a while.
My dream has been a recurring thing in the night. I am having trouble falling back to sleep after it wakes me. I have taken to building a fire and sitting in front of it with a hot cup of tea. I can’t seem to stop shivering once I escape the dream’s horrors. I wish it would leave me in peace. I don’t know how to make it stop. I wish Olivia were here to help me.
* * * Xuân * * *
The car was closer. It sounds heavy again, like the other one we heard. And there were gunshots. I think they might be soldiers. The bandits we’ve been killing have all been armed with blades, hammers, and the like.
Spring is definitely on us. The snow is melting right quick. And it could be bringing survivors from the south, looking for a place to escape from the thawing zombie hordes. Makes some sense to me. If it’s beginning to get warm, go to where it’s colder and freezing so there’s less zombies to deal with. Raid the south during the winter when the zombies are zombicicles.
But the noise is getting closer. We’re sure they’re an army of some kind.
They could be rogue soldiers. Either way…
March 13
The zombies are making a comeback. We killed two today; both wearing army fatigues. They approached our fence at a slow shamble, and Xuân and David quickly dispatched them. I suppose that with spring around the corner and the warmer temperatures here, this was an inevitability.
The zombie’s attire threw us for a bit of a loop. I wonder what it means. We all discussed this today at length. Xuân thinks this is a sign that humanity tried to fight back and failed miserably. Mike is cautiously optimistic and feels that we may still win this war. David argued that just because we’ve seen zombie soldiers, it doesn’t have to mean anything one way or the other. Dan and I kept our opinions to ourselves. Personally, I think David is being a bit naive. This makes four soldiers and a stocked army truck that we’ve seen so far. I no longer believe in coincidences.
We burned the corpses but kept the dog tags that the zombies wore around their necks. If by some chance, the car we’ve been hearing around here belongs to soldiers, they may want to know what happened to these men. Telling them the truth may get us in their good graces as opposed to having us look like potential threats.
The children saw what happened with the zombies today. It was very hard to keep this from them. We were all outside at the time, and they were witnesses to it all. Samantha cried that the monsters had come back. Ethan tried to act strong and silent. He seems unaffected, but I worry about him. I wish he could tell me what he’s really feeling. Benjamin watched it all and said nothing until dinner. He has been having nightmares tonight. We both have actually. Mine woke me up again. He followed suit soon after. We kept each other company in the main room by the fire. He eventually fell back to sleep in my arms. He’s currently under a blanket on the couch. I don’t have the heart to put him back into bed. Honestly, it’s comforting to me to have him here beside me, alive and well.
March 15
We are not alone. It came as a complete shock to us all today as we stood watching the children play in the yard. We all heard the truck approach, yet we still stood, staring in disbelief as the green army truck rumbled our way.
Two soldiers let themselves out and approached our gate, weapons at the ready. Xuân ran and grabbed her rifle, and somehow managed to hold it in a way that seemed prepared, yet mildly unthreatening.
The soldiers greeted us in a friendly, but wary manner, and we did the same.
“I am Sergeant Blankenstein,” the driver of the vehicle said. “This is Major Pepper.” He gestured to the woman at his side.
David stepped forward and introduced us all. He asked them to put their guns away, and we would do the same. They did, and Xuân did as well. We let the soldiers into our compound and showed them our operation. They seemed impressed by all we had accomplished, and we sat down to coffee.
Turns out that while we were hiding out here, the zombie virus swept the globe with casualties well past one billion people. Most countries tried to hide it from their people and thus the casual citizen was completely unprepared when disaster struck. There were some who, like us, ran and had a plan. Many of them were known doomsday preppers. However, for most, luck was not on their side.
The military in North America mobilized quickly, but with close quarters in the cities, it was a hard fight and it took time and effort to clean out the undead. Many cities are now being re-inhabited. Toronto is one of them. The soldiers seem keen to have us go back. I don’t know how I feel about this. Once again, I am asking myself if I want to take my family into unknown territory that has the potential for great danger. We came here and lost Olivia. What and who might we lose if we go back?
We told the soldiers we would think about it. We have a lot to talk about and a lot to decide. If we stay here, we are low on a lot of supplies. If we go back, we only have these soldiers’ word that the city is once again safe. They say they will give us fuel and supplies to ease our journey. The road back has been cleared for travel and there are fuel checkpoints and places to restock on the way.
I know we keep talking about going home, but this feels like home now, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what is right for my children, for my friends, for my husband, or for me.
* * * Xuân * * *
So. It’s over. It feels anticlimactic.
Real, living soldiers appeared. I was inclined to shoot them immediately, but I don’t think anyone saw Mike touch my shoulder. It was enough. I lowered the gun.
They gave us news. And they had evidence on laptops (newspapers, surprisingly, and cell phone videos). I’m still wary that they’re well-dressed bandits trying to get us to leave in order to steal our compound, but wouldn’t it be easier to just kill us? I know I would have.
As expected, many were dead. Many were unaccounted for. The world was in shambles, but it had brought itself back. We could live again.
We could go back.
Do I want to?
March 18
Sergeant Blankenstein and Major Pepper have been to see us every single day. They have brought us supplies and news.
They tell us that a form of martial law has been declared. The Minister of Defence has taken control of Canada and is seeing that it is cleared of all zombies. The Prime Minister was eaten in the early days of the outbreak, as well as most of his cabinet members.
So far, things are running smoothly, and the army has cleared most metropolitan areas. Sergeant Blankenstein and Major Pepper are working with a group to go after some deserters who fled after being bitten.
We gave them the dog tags of the two zombies we had slain, and told them what happened to
Olivia, and where to find the truck we left.
Ethan, Benjamin, and Samantha think the newcomers are fantastic. They let the children play with their radios and wear their hats, and seem as excited about playing with the triplets as the triplets are playing with them.
The soldiers seem keen to get us to return home. This is all we speak about after they leave each day. We desperately WANT to go home and see what is left for us there, but the uncertainty haunts us all. We asked the soldiers if our homes are there for us. They say that most buildings are still standing in the residential areas, but they obviously can’t tell us what conditions they’re in, or if we would be contending with squatters.
Truthfully, I think we are all leaning towards leaving. We need to know if our families and friends are still alive. That, coupled with us running out of things we need, will probably drive us to go home.
Mike and Dan still intend to come back to Toronto with us. They say they have nothing to go back to Winnipeg for. We have become their family. I hope we aren’t going to go back to nothing.
* * * Xuân * * *
It’s pretty obvious we have to go back. I mean, you cannot fucking raise kids up here.
Also, Mike pointed out that I’m losing myself up here. He doesn’t think I can seriously keep living like this. He’s worried I’ll snap or just kind of wander away and leave the group.
I feel sort of numb. Like I don’t really feel anything. He’s right, I should go back. On one of the videos, I saw someone who looked like my best friend. He was on his back, screaming as a zombie ripped out his spine. His legs and arms were bent all weirdly as if he had jumped from a building and landed awkwardly. Fool. I don’t know how long you can live with half of your spine hanging out of your body and the other half going down a zombie’s throat, and it was probably just seconds, but those seconds must have felt like forever. That video stopped when soldiers killed him and the zombie. I understand. He would have turned, better to put him down before he reanimated. But I just didn’t feel anything that I suppose I should have. I just felt relief I wouldn’t have to hunt down a zombified Dorian. It wouldn’t have been emotionally difficult or anything to kill him, it would have just taken up my time.
While the Sergeant was talking to everyone, Mike and I asked Major Pepper if she would speak to us. We had some things she needed to know about the countryside outside the compound.
We showed her a couple of the body holes. We even drew a rough map with the locations of other pits, and descriptions of markers. I explained that we had been waiting for a thaw to cremate the remains properly so that there would be no worry about potential diseases from the bodies. I also admitted that there were bandits in there, formerly living humans, as well as the zombies, and that they had been killed in self-defence.
Then I got kinda nervous. I mean, wasn’t I sort of admitting to murder? Sure, you could argue self-defence, but I killed some from behind, and the number of holes kinda went beyond self-defence.
But she said, “Ah, so this is the place.”
???
It turns out, the Major explained, there were rumours mentioned in official reports and interrogations. Bandit groups caught by the army had said that their scouts had gone missing up in this general area, and sometimes entire groups had disappeared. The bandits had claimed some wild story about a lone girl taking them out, with survivors lucky to have escaped because she was too busy slaughtering the others to notice one slip away.
Say what?
What about Mike? Didn’t the stories ever mention the guy, rather than just the one girl? The Major smiled, “Maybe it just makes a better story that way.”
So Pinkie did know me after all. I never went back to his camp.
The Major told us of a couple of other places where the people had been more trusting and less “vigilant” than me and had run into Pinkie and his like, and about what had happened to those naive people. I feel so relieved. So what I did was not so awful after all. I was just protecting my group, my people. It would have been worse if I hadn’t done what I did.
I sleep just the same at night, but now, I can dream about food.
March 20
The decision has been made. We are going to leave and head back to Toronto. The goal is to pack up and leave in a couple of days. The gorals will be coming with us. They are a woolly part of our family now. We can’t leave them.
The cabin and fence will be left as a sort of home base for whatever soldiers will be in the area. Sergeant Blankenstein and Major Pepper were extremely grateful for its use.
We have already started explaining to the children what is happening. I don’t know how much they understand. I don’t even know if they remember their home in Toronto. I feel that this change may be traumatic for them. However, if everything is safe, it is better to be at home.
There is a sense of excitement in us all now. We act as if our ordeal is ending. We had good times here, but bad ones as well. It will be hard at home, but the work will be towards rebuilding, not just surviving. That makes a big difference.
* * * Xuân * * *
I ate my first Rice Krispie treat in months. Thanks, army!
…
My first treat in months went right through me. THANKS, ARMY.
March 21
It took a lot less time to pack up our home here than it did to pack up to leave our homes in Toronto. This is a factor of both how little we have left to bring and how happy we are that there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
We were all getting to a point of feeling that we were all waiting for the end out here. It’s just no one wanted to admit it out loud. We were choosing death by boredom, death by the elements, or death by cabin fever, as opposed to death by zombie. I think we felt that our way was preferable. Now, we’re choosing life, and it feels fantastic.
Sergeant Blankenstein has given us a map of all the safe roads that we can travel to get home. We have already spoken to the people at our first checkpoint, and they are expecting us in a couple of days. They will have more food and a warm place for us to rest before the next leg of our journey.
We aren’t taking everything with us, We left the hydroponics shed intact for the soldiers to use, as well as a small stock of our canned food that we hadn’t got to yet. They are extremely grateful to us.
The idea of home seems so foreign now. I don’t even know if our house is waiting for us, but I am willing to see if it is. Assuming it’s there, we can always fit Xuân and Mike in the guest room, and Dan can live on the futon in my office. It would be too strange for us all if we were to split up after all of this.
I told them my plan, hiding the fact that I don’t want them to leave. I said that the kids would be upset to lose them. It would be far too traumatic for them. I don’t think they believed me, but they are all playing along. I don’t think they want to split up just yet either.
David is on board with the idea. We are a family now. The eight of us are our own strange little family unit. We’ve been through so much. We can’t just go home and live our own separate lives. I don’t think we’d know how to anymore.
* * * Xuân * * *
Not much to pack. Well, everything has to come back with us, such as clothes, books, and the like. The furniture…we took a couple of things Dan had made. We know why.
The stuff we left behind for the soldiers is stuff we won’t need back in the city. Except the gorals. Those fuckers are coming with us.
Mike and I did a final patrol of the countryside. The Major said we didn’t need to, but she gave us some papers so that if we ran into other army patrols, they wouldn’t shoot us as bandits. The papers were some kind of official army document indicating that we were authorized civilian patrollers.
There were a couple of zombies. That was all.
When we got back to the compound, Mike grabbed my hand and squeezed hard. He smiled. “This is it. We’re going home now. It’ll be okay now. We can be real people with real lives. Just Mike and Xuân.”
“And Crypto.”
He laughed. “Yes, AND Crypto.”
It’ll be enough for him. But what about me?
March 22
I forgot how much I hate being on the road. At least the first time, the monotony was broken up by zombie violence. And now, I can’t believe I actually wrote that.
This drive is all snow, snow, snow, tree, snow. Ugh. I am so bored. Just as before, I’m driving the van with the triplets. However, David is with Dan, while Mike is driving Olivia’s car with Xuân in shotgun.
Watching him pull my friend’s car out of the compound was a painful thing to see. She really should be here with us now.
Before we drove off, I pulled the mezuzah from the doorframe of the cabin. It needs to come home with us and finish the journey full circle. It only seems right. We all took our turn to say goodbye to our cabin. Our labour of love served us well. A strange part of me will seriously miss it out there.
Our kids’ second birthday happened there. We faced death there. Our friends found and lost love there. We survived there. We grieved there. We will have left a big part of ourselves out on the tundra.
I don’t know if we will ever go back, but I will remember that place fondly. Maybe one day David and I will take our children back there and show them the place that may have saved their lives.
Tomorrow, we should reach our first checkpoint. Then we cross into Manitoba. From there, we’re told it’s smooth sailing to Toronto. But, since when did anything ever go as it should?
* * * Xuân * * *
When we drove out of the gates, Mike grabbed my hand again and laughed. He’s so happy. That’s great for him. Crypto was happy to be in a car.
The Bath Salts Journals (Volume 1) Page 14