“No problem.” He gazed at me for a moment with a shy smile on his face.
The movie was good, but I didn’t really pay too much attention to it. I was acutely aware of the boy next to me. Especially when our hands brushed as we both reached for popcorn. I’d pulled my hand away, but my skin still tingled where he’d touched me.
Not to mention my heart was racing too fast and probably too loud as well.
The lights came on as I was biting my lip nervously. Farah was all smiles as we stood up. I was happy for her, and I envied her because Chris seemed like a nice, uncomplicated guy.
Unlike the boy walking next to me.
“Where to?” Chris asked.
“How does pizza sound?” Nathan’s question was directed at me. His tone was deep and that crooked smile curved his lips.
Oh God. That smile with that tone of voice would be the death of me.
An Italian pizza place was just around the corner. We sat on a small terrace that overlooked the street. The steel rail was covered with different herbs in colorful ceramic pots. It was nice.
They ordered a four-cheese pizza and a salad. We ate talking about everything and nothing at all. Chris admitted he was a sci-fi nerd and threatened to tickle us to death if we ever told anyone, and Nate teased him all evening. All in all, we had a great time.
After we got the check, Nate leaned in to me. “Can I take you home?” My heart skipped a beat from having him so close. I nodded.
We said good-bye to Farah and Chris, who were more than happy to leave by themselves. Nate’s car was parked a couple blocks away. As we passed the mall’s entrance, he grabbed my hand. “Do you still want that coffee?” His gray eyes bored into mine.
I shook my head at the same time butterflies fluttered in my stomach. “I’m full. Thank you.”
“Are you sure?” His eyes darkened. “That coffee choice seemed pretty important.”
A small smile played on my lips. “No, that’s okay. Really.”
His eyes roamed all over my face. My mouth went dry. He nodded but didn’t let go of my hand. In fact, he intertwined my fingers with his.
I bit my lip as we reached his car. Reluctantly, he let go of my hand to open the door for me. Soft music played from the radio as he drove me home. I noticed he drove slowly. Like too slowly.
We talked about the different bands each of us liked. Turns out we had more or less the same taste in music. We reached my house; he parked in front.
I really didn’t want to leave the car just yet. I glanced at my house and saw that all lights were off. Dad was probably out. Nate noticed the same thing. “Do you want me to stay for a while?” he asked, sounding concerned.
I didn’t have a problem with being alone in my house. I did, however, want to spend more time with him. I nodded shyly. He smiled at that.
We stepped out of the car and crossed the yard in silence. When we reached the front door, he stood behind me as I unlocked it. “Do you want a Coke or something?” I asked as soon as we walked inside.
“Water is fine.”
He followed me to the kitchen and leaned on the counter as I took two water bottles from the fridge. I uncapped mine as he took a large sip of his.
“Nate, can I ask you something?” I frowned.
“Sure.”
“What’s wrong with you?” His eyes glinted in amusement as a chuckle left his lips. My cheeks felt warm as I scrunched my nose. “Gosh, that came out wrong.”
His smile faded a moment later. He gazed at the floor. “I tend to hurt people,” he murmured so softly that I barely heard him.
And I knew just how he felt. Because that was exactly what I felt about myself.
“What do you mean?” I stared at my water bottle. He needed to open up. I needed him to.
“Exactly that.” His gay eyes stared at me for a moment. He ran a hand through his hair “Anyone who’s ever been close to me has ended up hurt.” He paused, shaking his head. “And that’s the last thing I’d ever want for you.”
My brows furrowed. I took a step closer to him. “You’ve never hurt me.” I swallowed hard. “On the contrary, you’ve been there for me even when I didn’t notice.”
Nate’s lips parted. His eyes snapped to my lips for a moment. “You remembered?”
My heart warmed at the hope in his tone. “Yeah.” I cast my gaze down as I grimaced. “I’m really sorry for not remembering before.”
He cupped my cheek, tilting my head so we could see each other. “You’ve had a lot on your mind, Cass. I get it.”
“It still doesn’t make it right…” I said as I got lost in his eyes.
He leaned closer to me. My heart started to beat even faster. My breath caught in my throat. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed hard before pulling away, looking somewhat ashamed. “I’m not good enough for you.” He looked to the side, clearly conflicted.
I think you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I bit my lip before feeling a sudden burst of courage. “You couldn’t be more wrong,” I murmured as I closed the gap between us and slowly placed a palm on his chest. His heart was beating as fast as mine. His stare was smoldering as his lips parted. My heart was hammering inside my chest as I leaned up and brushed my lips against his.
Chapter Eighteen
Kissing Nate was an overwhelming yet outstanding experience. All my senses were focused solely on him. My right palm was on his chest as my left hand found its place on the back of his neck, making him groan and pull me even closer. His strong hands hoisted me and placed me on the counter. Then they slowly moved to my thighs, leaving a smoldering trail behind them.
I’d never been kissed like that before.
It was as if time stopped and all that was left was this imminent need to have him even closer. I didn’t see fireworks, but different feelings exploded all over me.
All because of him.
Restraining himself, he pulled away, breathing hard. His gray eyes were darker as he gazed at me for the longest of moments. His usually pale pink lips were darker too. A flicker of pain and concern passed through his eyes. “I really, really don’t want to hurt you, Cassie.”
My heart ached for him. “I know you’d never do it intentionally.”
He took a deep breath, closing his eyes. “That’s the thing. I never intend it to happen. Yet it does.”
Swallowing hard, I gazed at him for a moment. He was the definition of perfection. I wasn’t talking about his muscled arms or chiseled features. I was talking about him. The real Nathan Rivers. He was perfect for me.
I wanted to be there for him, to understand where his pain was coming from. I needed him to trust me. “Don’t shut me out, Nate.” I cupped his chin as he closed his eyes again, as if he was in pain.
I bit my lip as he opened them. “Fuck,” he groaned roughly before kissing me once again. His hands gripped my thighs harder, and I kissed him back.
When we were both out of breath, he leaned his forehead against mine. “I don’t think your father would appreciate this.” His voice was huskier.
My lips tugged up. “No, I don’t think so.”
He took a deep breath and nodded. “I should probably go.” His brows furrowed. He clearly didn’t want to. And to be honest, I didn’t want him to.
“Nate, if we want this to work out, you need to trust me.” My eyes widened at my boldness. I couldn’t be any more direct if I tried. I scrunched my nose and averted his eyes. “You know, if there’s a we in the future. Or if you’re interested in that.”
Nate cupped my chin. “There’s a we. Definitely.” He pecked me lightly on the lips. “But I’m not sure if you’ll want that if you hear my story.”
I met his intense stare. “I don’t care about your past, Nate. I would be the last person to judge you, given my own background. But I do care about you.”
His lips parted as he took a sharp intake of breath. His tongue brushed his bottom lip. “We should talk outside or something,” he murm
ured as his gray eyes bored into mine.
My heart fluttered. “I could make some cocoa,” I said breathlessly, completely absorbed in those deep eyes.
He swallowed hard. “That sounds great.” He pulled me closer and got me down from the counter. We stared at each other for a moment as we both leaned in. As our lips were about to touch, Nate murmured, “Outside. Now.”
I chuckled as he pulled back, leaving like the whole kitchen between us. “I need—” he gestured toward the door, “—to go outside.”
Completely charmed at his attitude, I suppressed a smile and nodded. He bobbed his head once and with tight lips sauntered to the front door. He left it open, and a moment later, I could smell the distinctive aroma of a cigarette.
Tingly all over and with butterflies revolving around my stomach, I took out two mugs and milk and started to prepare the hot cocoa. A moment later, I heard him walk into the kitchen. He passed both arms around my waist and leaned his head on my shoulder. My heart fluttered as he whispered by my ear, “Need help?”
With a dry mouth, I shook my head. I had just plopped two marshmallows inside both cups, and they were now good to go. He grabbed one of the mugs with a soft smile on his face, and I couldn’t help but grin back at him.
We sat on the porch. “Is this necessary?” I raised an eyebrow.
He nodded and kissed me lightly on the lips once more. “Yes.”
I shoved him playfully in the chest, and he grabbed my hand. He watched me warily for a moment before taking a sip of his hot chocolate. I sensed he needed some time, so I intertwined our hands while looking at the street.
I heard him take a deep breath. “Leah was my sister.” My eyes cut to him as my heart skipped a beat. This was it. He was actually opening up to me. I squeezed his hand, trying to be reassuring. His gray eyes gazed at me for a moment. Fear and hurt flashed through his face, and my heart ached for him.
In a soft voice, he started his story. “She was three years older than me. We were close at one time in our lives, but when she started college, she pulled away from me. I always felt like she had abandoned me. Both my parents were so caught up in their own affairs that they hardly ever paid attention to us.
“One day, she came by to visit from college. She didn’t look like she always did. Her eyes were sunken, and she had lost a lot of weight.” His eyes were sad as he gazed into the distance. “My parents, like always, were busy,” he murmured somberly, “and I was mad at her. So, when she sat next to me, I ignored her and continued to play video games with my friends.”
He shook his head as he gripped my hand tighter. “I didn’t ask her any questions. She’d come back on as a spur-of-the-moment thing, and I didn’t ask her what was wrong…” His eyes brimmed with tears, and my stomach plummeted to the ground as he blinked.
“The maid found her a day later. She had taken a bottle of my mother’s sleeping pills.” He swallowed hard and closed his eyes. When he opened them, there were no more tears. However, his eyes showed guilt and agony. I squeezed his hand harder.
“The coroner found several bruises on her body. Apparently, she’d been in an abusive relationship. I guessed she couldn’t handle it anymore and chose to end her life instead.” His voice was low as he gazed at his feet. “I should have asked her something. I should have been there for her. Like I was supposed to.”
My own eyes were teary as he spoke with so much pain. I swallowed my tears and put an arm around his back. He pulled me even closer. My chest was tight as I felt him swallow hard.
“It’s not your fault, Nate,” I murmured while his arms encased me tight.
“I didn’t know anything about her, you know? I was just as absent as my parents always have been, and I know if someone had been there for her, she wouldn’t have done it.” His voice was a faint murmur.
“Nate—” I pulled away to look at him, “—it wasn’t your fault.” His eyes were shining brightly as they teared up. My heart broke for him. “It wasn’t.” I cupped his chin and he leaned into my touch.
He was in so much pain. A part of me finally understood how much agony my father must have felt when I tried to end my life. It had been such a weak decision, but I felt like I had no choice, like I was cornered. However, I never stopped to think about my family.
I could understand Leah’s desperation, but seeing Nathan like that made me realize that no matter what happens in your life, there’s always a choice. Always.
“The police found out she’d been going out with some street fighter. They couldn’t find any more than that.” His jaw was clenched.
My eyes widened in understanding. “Is that why you fight?” He swallowed hard and looked down again. My heart stopped as it dawned on me. “You want to find him? What are you going to do if you do? Beat him to death? Is that going to bring Leah back?”
He pulled away. “You wouldn’t understand, Cassie.”
My stomach plummeted to the ground. “I know one thing. I don’t think Leah would want you to get hurt.” His eyes snapped to me. “And I don’t want you to get hurt, either.” My voice broke on the last words as my eyes brimmed with tears.
Nate stayed silent as his gray eyes focused on me. He took a deep breath. With a trembling hand, he caressed my cheek. My heart raced as my eyes roamed all over his face, stopping on his lips. He leaned down to kiss me softly.
We were silent for a while, lost in deep thought. His thumb stroked the back of my palm. I wanted to ask him about his parents. I could see how much not being close to them pained him. I would have never guessed that behind that tough, badass exterior there would be someone in so much agony.
It dawned on me why he’d asked me to be completely honest in my essay.
Because at the end of the day, we really didn’t know each other at school. We didn’t know if someone was in pain or needed a friend. We could walk through the hallways not really knowing the people behind the masks we all wore.
No one had reached out for Leah when she was hurting. I had no idea if she pushed everyone away like I did, but it wouldn’t surprise me if she had. People tend to pull away from others when they are suffering.
I leaned my head on Nate’s shoulders as I tightened my grip on his hand. Without words, I wanted to let him know I was there for him. He seemed to understand as he kissed my forehead.
“Thank you,” I whispered. Thank you for trusting in me. His hold tightened.
A pair of lights appeared on the street. A moment later, Dad’s car parked in front of the garage. Reluctantly, Nate let me go as we stood.
Dad climbed out of the car. “Hello, you guys.” His blue eyes assessed us both. “I texted you that I’d be late, Cass. Were you waiting for me?”
“I didn’t check my phone,” I murmured.
It was already past midnight. Nate turned to me. “I should get going, then.” His voice was soft as he glanced at me. “Good night, sir,” he said to Dad.
Dad bobbed his head. “Good night, son.” Looking at me, he added, “I’ll wait for you inside, Cassie.” I nodded before he walked away.
Nate placed his hands on the front pockets of his jeans. “I’ll call you tomorrow?”
“Yeah.” His lips curved up, while my heart fluttered.
His smile faded as a look of uncertainty passed across his face. “Are you sure this is what you want?”
“Definitely.” My heart warmed as his eyes lit up.
Taking a step closer, he cupped my chin. His stare was piercing as he added, “You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this.”
My heart skipped a beat as my mouth went dry. “Thank you.”
“No. Thank you,” he murmured while pulling me closer and kissing me lightly on the lips. “Good night, Taylor.” A playful smile curved his lips.
I rolled my eyes, smiling. “Good night, Rivers.” I waited for him to hop in his car. Biting my lip, with a heart filled with different emotions, I waved as his engine roared to life.
Before I stepped inside the house,
I grabbed the mugs we’d brought outside. They were half-full, but the cocoa was already cold. Just as I crossed through the door, Dad was waiting for me, leaning against the stair rail with his arms crossed and a smug smile on his face. “I take it you guys have solved everything now?” I rolled my eyes as he added, “Why were you outside, by the way?”
My heart fluttered as I recalled everything that had happened tonight. “We needed some air,” I said absentmindedly before stepping inside the kitchen and leaving the mugs on the sink. I passed next to him and kissed him on the cheek. “Good night, Dad.”
He narrowed his eyes as I climbed the stairs. “I’m getting nervous here, Cassandra.”
A small smile formed on my face as I turned to look at him. “You don’t need to have the talk with me, Dad.”
His eyes widened. “Why does that scare me even more?”
Oh God. Blushing, I averted my eyes as I murmured, “I haven’t done anything, don’t worry.”
He breathed out, relieved. “Okay.”
That night, I lay in bed thinking about everything that had happened. My heart ached for Nathan. I wanted to help ease his pain, just as he eased mine. Could I do that?
He was worried he wasn’t good enough for me. I felt the same.
One thing was for sure, I was completely in love with him.
Chapter Nineteen
Fall was starting to show. The leaves were beginning to change color, and the warm breeze was now much colder. I held my gray coat tighter around me as my cheeks were flushed from the chill morning air. The school’s parking lot was already in sight as my feet continued to move on their own. Nervously, I hitched my backpack up over my shoulders. I’d worked on my English essay all Sunday. Today was the deadline.
I wrote it thinking about everything I’d learned over the weekend. My feelings poured out as I typed at the computer. How I’d felt when Mom got sick and what I’d done; I also talked about all my regrets and how my behavior had affected my father. It hadn’t been easy to write, but I knew it was the right thing to do.
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