by Dori Lavelle
Shaun moved forward then, and knelt down on the floor next to the bed. He took her warm hand in his. "I need to talk to you. I went to The Academy because there's something I want to tell you." He couldn't shake off the past, but maybe, just maybe, the past and the future could learn to live side by side. "Kelsey, I was wrong. I've been wrong all this time. I lied to myself and I lied to you. I don't want just small moments with you. I want more time. I want to sleep in your bed at night. And I want you in mine. Please, I want to ask you if we can start again. If we can do this the real way."
Kelsey blew her nose and looked at him. "I don't understand, Shaun. You made it clear you didn’t want a relationship with me or anyone else. I don't get it. Do you want to give me a chance now and then snatch it away when I get too close?"
He ran a hand over his brow. "No, I want the opposite. I want you close. But right now I want you to get better so we can talk about this."
"She doesn't want you." Maeve's voice came from behind the door. "She's not a prostitute, Shaun. She's done with you."
Ignoring Maeve, Shaun turned back to Kelsey. "Is that what you want? Do you really want me to go?"
Kelsey licked her cracked lips and blinked. She glanced at Maeve and then back at Shaun. "No," she said. "No, I don't."
CHAPTER NINETEEN
"I think you're crazy," Maeve said to Kelsey three days later. "I can't believe you let him back into your life so easily."
Kelsey shook her head. "I can't raise a baby on my own. He's the father. I need him."
"Frankly, I don't think he's father material. I'm sorry. He's hot and everything, but he's only good for a one-night stand. Look how he treated you over the last few weeks."
Kelsey lifted her cup of tea to her lips. "I was at fault too. In fact, I broke the rules. He told me from the start that he didn't want a relationship. And I still fell in love with him."
"What right did he have to give you any rules in the first place? You can’t help who you fall in love with."
Kelsey drained her cup. "If it weren't for the baby, I might think differently. But right now, I'm doing what I feel is right. I don't want to deprive my child of his or her father. I don't think that's fair."
Maeve took their cups to the sink and rinsed them out. "You've decided then?" she asked, her tone softer. "You are definitely keeping the baby?"
"I definitely am." The idea of being a mother terrified Kelsey to the core, but she was starting to feel excited too. Like a whole world was opening itself up in front of her.
Maeve leaned forward. "I think you'll make a great mother. Did you tell him the good news?"
Kelsey bit her lip. "I couldn't."
"You spent the weekend together and you couldn't tell him?"
"I'm not ready to yet. I'll wait until... I don't know. I just want to wait a bit."
"You want to wait and see if you can trust him to stay, if he really wants to be with you."
Kelsey shrugged. "Maybe." So far, he'd shown more affection to her than she was used to expecting. He’d spent the whole weekend at her place, taking care of her while she was ill.
"Fair enough." Maeve returned to the kitchen table. "Well, if you ever need anything, you know where to find me. I'm here for you."
Kelsey hugged Maeve. "Thank you for being such a good friend."
Maeve pulled back. "For now, you need to forget about all the decisions you have to make. Just relax for one night. How about we stay in and watch movies and order in Chinese?"
Kelsey smiled. "That would be perfect."
CHAPTER TWENTY
EIGHT YEARS EARLIER
Carmen woke up screaming from one of her nightmares. Two in the morning and Shaun could do nothing but hold her, illuminated by the moonlight spilling into the room.
Nightmares plagued her almost every night now. Sometimes it took hours to calm her down.
Shaun didn't mind. He was there for her, and even if he was exhausted from working long hours and waking up in the middle of the night, he would always sacrifice his comfort for hers.
Tonight, she lay in his arms, crying, as she usually did after a bad dream, after waking up to find she still couldn't see, that she still had cancer. She told him that sometimes before she went to bed, she prayed that when she woke up, a miracle would have happened and her health would be restored. But it had been two months, and after lots of tests, the source of Carmen's cancer was still unknown. Last week, they’d discussed their treatment options. The team of oncologists, doctors, nurses, and psychologists explained the possible benefits and risks, as well as the side effects of each option. Although Carmen could decide on treatment, in spite of the cancer being of unknown origin, the oncologist was honest about the grim reality. Her cancer was so advanced that treatments like chemotherapy and radiation might lead her to suffer more side effects than benefits. Aside from treatment, the other option was palliative care to help control the symptoms as the cancer took over her body.
After a lot of crying and indecision, Carmen had decided not to seek treatment. Instead, she would live on painkillers to help ease the pain as they waited for the inevitable to happen. The doctors told them it would take six months to a year.
"Shaun?" Carmen whispered as she clutched his t-shirt. "I know there's still five months left before our wedding anniversary, but I want us to celebrate early...in a month." She paused. "Just in case..." she trailed off, unable to say the words.
Shaun swallowed hard. He wanted nothing more than to forget the day they got married. But as much as it had been the worst day of his life, it had also been his happiest. How do you forget a day like that? Do you just erase it from your memory, so you don't have to choose between smiling and crying? He wanted the good memories, but they came handcuffed to the bad, and he had no key.
The mere thought of traveling back in time to that night filled him with dread. If he had the choice, if it were at all possible, he'd scratch that date off the calendar and pretend it never existed. What was there to celebrate? The loss of her sight? The fact that she was probably dying even then?
"I want us to celebrate at the Lux," she continued. "Just like we planned to on our wedding night."
Shaun looked at his wife in disbelief. The past months had been so hard on both of them. How could she want to be reminded? "Baby, are you sure? We don't have to—"
"I want to. I want to have a wonderful night with you. As if nothing bad had happened. And then in the morning, I want you to give me my present." She turned her head and tears pooled in the hollow of her ear. She was crying and smiling at the same time. His heart broke.
Shaun brushed the damp hair from her face. "Anything. Anything you want, baby. I’ll get it for you."
"Promise?" Not for the first time, she looked at him intensely, as if she could see him. Her sparkling eyes were so clear, so beautiful, so electrifying, even as death lurked behind them.
He smiled, surprised that his facial muscles remembered the motions. His insides had been shredded to the point of no return, piece by piece, until almost nothing remained. Maybe one day, he'd be hollow inside.
"I promise. Anything."
"Please make it stop." Her voice was a splinter in the night.
Shaun sat up. "Sure, sweetheart. Stay here. I'll get your meds."
His body made of lead, Shaun trudged to the door. Before he could turn the handle, he heard her whisper something. "What, baby? Should I get you something else?"
"Come to me." The strength and determination in her voice took him by surprise. "I want you to make it go away."
Shaun went to her side of the bed and clasped her frail hand in his. "That's what I want to do, sweetheart. I thought you had pain. I'll just—"
"I do. But the meds don't work anymore. They never worked." She struggled to sit up, wincing. "I can't do this anymore. I want it to stop. Please make it stop, Shaun."
How could he help his wife without medication? He ran a hand through his hair. "Okay." He tightened his hands around hers. "Okay.
We'll see the doctor on Monday. We'll ask him to change your meds to something even stronger."
Carmen laughed, so low and sharp it stabbed him in the gut. "I have more than physical pain, Shaun. The meds don’t help the pain of losing my sight. The doctor can't take away the pain of fear." She wiped her cheek. "I want to die, Shaun. That's what I want for our pretend anniversary."
Something inside Shaun's chest broke apart. He pressed his trembling lips together and let go of her hands. He moved to the window and looked out into their garden. She wanted to leave him. They didn't have much time left, but he'd give anything to keep her with him until the very last moment. "How can you think about death as an option? I know you're going through hell, but I can't do that. I can't... I can't." He massaged his temples. "You can't mean it."
"I know what I'm asking you to do is difficult. But please understand. I can't live like this. It hurts for me just to breathe. I'm going to die anyway. I want to die while I still have a little dignity left. I don't want this disease to destroy me completely."
Shaun went back to the bed and held her face between his hands, tipping it up so he could look directly into her blind eyes. "I cannot do that. Carmen, we can get through this. Maybe they'll find the source of the cancer before it kills you." He scrambled for the words to change her mind. He needed her too much to let her go. He had already lost so much of her. Losing her completely—and by choice—he couldn't bear thinking about.
She wet her lips. "I don't want to manage anything." She sniffed and pulled away from him, buried herself under the covers, and sobbed. "I'm not strong enough. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to live, fearing death. If you love me, you'll do it. You'll help end the pain before it kills me."
Shaun curled up next to her, holding her tight, wishing that holding her would keep her together. He wept for her, his tears drenching her once beautiful hair. He cried because his heart was breaking, his whole body, his whole life. He cried because he had already lost her. He had promised to do everything for her, to make it all better, but how far could he go? He promised to take away her pain, to give her comfort, to heal her if he could. What if helping her die was the only option?
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
The roasted chicken and baby potatoes were ready. Kelsey took Shaun straight to the table.
It had been seven days since they had started dating. Apart from the huge secret she was keeping from him, they really were together. They made love a lot, ate out, and didn't care who knew they were a couple. Tonight she was treating him to dinner, and she planned to tell him he was going to be a father.
As they ate, they talked about Kelsey's cooking course and Shaun's novel, which was almost done. What would become of them when he finished it and went back to the U.S.? Would they have a long-distance relationship? As soon as she told him about the baby, they'd have a lot more to talk about.
"I don't think I've tasted food this delicious in a long time." Shaun pierced his last piece of potato with his fork and lifted it to his mouth.
"You're just trying to flatter me."
"I always say what I mean. Come here." He stood up and pulled her out of her chair. "I want you to do something for me." He kissed her forehead. "Go upstairs, pack a bag, and meet me in front of my truck in fifteen minutes. I'm taking you to Limmery for the weekend. There's a nice hotel I discovered last time I was there."
Kelsey's stomach fluttered. He was acting like a real boyfriend. Asking her to go away with him was a huge step. "You know I can't go away. I have to work."
"All taken care of. Lucy is giving you the weekend off." He grasped her shoulders and turned her to face the doorway. "Now go and get your things."
Kelsey hurried out of the kitchen and up the stairs, giggling like a little girl. A beautiful hotel would be an even better setting for her to break the news.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
They didn't leave for Limmery that night as they’d planned. Instead, they ended up making love in Shaun's bed, and afterward they were too lazy to go anywhere. They left on Saturday morning instead.
At the hotel, they dropped off their bags and joined the Heart at Home tour, named after a memoir based in Limmery by Diana McMahon. Kelsey had been looking forward to the day, since she’d read the book. Even though she'd been to Limmery quite a few times, the memoir made her feel as if she had an emotional connection to it.
Shaun was, as always, the perfect person to explore with. As a writer, he caught the moments she missed and helped her observe things through different eyes.
Their guide, a man in his mid-fifties who wore a top hat and carried a worn-out cane, claimed to know the McMahon family personally. As they sliced their way through the cold, he pointed out the different buildings portrayed in the novel. In between talking about Diana's childhood, he sprinkled in the history of Limmery itself.
After the tour drew to a close, they did a little more sightseeing, and then went to have dinner at the Oakroom, an intimate restaurant overlooking well-manicured gardens. The sea glimmered beyond.
The way Shaun gazed into Kelsey's eyes from across the table, the way he held her hand, the way he played with a strand of her hair—she swore she could feel the warmth of her glowing heart. How she had wanted this, wanted him. He had been out of her reach for so long.
And now here they were. Their baby hadn't been planned, but Kelsey knew they would be able to handle it together.
After dinner they took a stroll back to the hotel, hand in hand, peering through lit store windows, talking about nothing in particular. Having him near made her feel complete.
At the hotel, they peeled off each other's clothes. This time they didn’t rush their lovemaking. They took their time exploring each other, teasing, tasting, kissing. And when Shaun finally entered her, all of Kelsey’s problems and fears diffused. She clung on to him as he carried her into another time and place. A place where his past didn't influence their future, a place where the only person in his heart was her.
***
"That was... That was bloody amazing." Shaun kissed Kelsey hard on the lips and turned onto his back, panting. "I haven't felt this alive in a long time."
She looked into his eyes, knowing she had to say something. She needed to know how he really felt. The past few weeks had been better than she’d imagined, and the knot inside her stomach caused by his earlier rejections had completely unraveled. For the sake of the baby, she wanted to take their relationship to the next level. Even though his reaction to the news might hurt her. "I... Shaun, I'm so happy. I want you to know that."
Shaun smiled and dug a hand into her hair until he cupped the back of her head with his hand. He drew her close and kissed her again. They were going to be all right.
"I love you," she said in between kisses. "I love you so much, Shaun. I've never felt this for anyone before."
She rested her head onto his chest and closed her eyes. The time had come for her to tell him what she was hiding from him. A tear slipped down her cheek, one of happiness and relief. Time to tell him. "Shaun, I'm..."
The thundering of his heart beneath her cheek made her pause. It beat faster and faster with each word she spoke. Was it excitement, or was it fear? She lifted her head and gazed at his face. What she saw there made her swallow the word she was about to say. His eyes were frozen marbles, and his jaw was tight. And written all over his face were the words I'm sorry. I'm sorry I’m not able to say it back. I'm sorry I might never get there.
Kelsey felt a shudder of humiliation, and the familiar fear of rejection returned.
Without a word more, she slipped out of bed and locked herself in the bathroom. The bathroom of the beautiful hotel he'd brought her to—fooling her into believing he was ready for a new beginning, ready for her. What she had wanted to hear from him were only words, and maybe she was overreacting, but she couldn't stop herself from being afraid that he might hurt her again, and so deeply that this time she might not recover. She leaned against the basin and laid a hand on her sto
mach, eyes closed.
Her baby, his baby, was all she had left of him. And she wouldn't tell him about it. Not yet. She didn't want him feeling pressured to love her back. She wasn’t ready to break up with him, but she was hurt, and right now she needed to be alone.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Kelsey walked back into the room wrapped in one of the fluffy hotel robes. He saw that her eyes were red, even if she tried not to look at him.
"I'm going back to Dreara," she said in a chilly voice.
He had well and truly fucked up. Her words had caught him off guard. Not that he hadn't known how she felt. Hearing her say it just made it all the more real. And he felt like an ass for not being able to tell her he loved her too. Instead he’d panicked.
He'd only ever said those words to one woman, and when she died, they were buried with her. The only thing he could say to Kelsey was that he wanted to love her. Desperately. But that would just crush her more. And now he was at a loss.
He couldn't tell her what she wanted to hear. Not in words, anyway.
Shaun raked a hand through his hair and got out of bed. He'd booked the hotel until Sunday. He wanted to ask her to stay, but the romantic evening and night together had gone to hell. She was already getting dressed and packing her overnight bag. She wasn’t speaking. Was she waiting for him to ask her not to leave? Or to say those words back to her? He pulled on his jeans and sweater.
"You don't have to come with." Her words were wilted, fragile. "I can take a taxi."
Shaun picked up his bag and took hers from her hand. "I brought you here. I won't let you go back alone." He kissed her on the cheek, wanting to say more. Then he walked out the door.
The ride back to Dreara was long and uncomfortable. Shaun wiped any thoughts of disappointment out of his mind and concentrated on getting them home safely.