All the Best Lines

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All the Best Lines Page 8

by George Tiffin


  1973 PAT GARRETT AND BILLY THE KID

  Lawman Pat Garrett persuades the reluctant sheriff Kip McKinney to join him in hunting down Billy the Kid.

  MCKINNEY

  I ain’t goin’.

  GARRETT

  You owe it to me.

  MCKINNEY

  I do? For what?

  GARRETT

  For not killin’ you over at Rosewater, for gettin’ you this job, and not seein’ you run outta this territory, for pullin’ you outta that snowdrift up at Shamus, for cold cockin’ you over at Stillwater Saloon last fall, savin’ you from Rabbit Owens bitin’ off your ear, and from just puttin’ up with you for a hell of a lot longer than I oughta.

  MCKINNEY

  Yeah. . . Well, I hope they spell my name right in the paper.

  Dir: Sam Peckinpah • Scr: Rudy Wurlitzer • Cast: Richard Jaeckel (Sheriff Kip McKinney), James Coburn (Pat Garrett)

  Director Peckinpah, always something of a live wire, frequently argued with Kris Kristofferson, who played Billy the Kid. On one occasion the confrontation escalated and Peckinpah only backed off because he feared Kristofferson – a former Army Airborne Ranger – might actually kill him. When the film was released, Peckinpah so despised the way the studio had recut it that he urinated on the screen.

  1979 THE JERK

  NAVIN

  Now be totally honest. You do have a boyfriend, don’t you?

  MARIE

  Kind of.

  NAVIN

  I know this is our first date, but do you think the next time you make love to your boyfriend you could think of me?

  MARIE

  Well, I haven’t made love to him yet.

  NAVIN

  That’s too bad. Do you think it’s possible that someday you could make love with me and think of him?

  MARIE

  Who knows? Maybe you and he could make love and you could think of me.

  NAVIN

  I’d be happy to be in there somewhere.

  Dir: Carl Reiner • Scr: Steve Martin, Carl Gottlieb, Michael Elias • Cast: Steve Martin (Navin R. Johnson), Bernadette Peters (Marie Kimble Johnson)

  1980 THE BLUES BROTHERS

  ELWOOD

  It’s 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark. . . and we’re wearing sunglasses.

  JAKE

  Hit it.

  Dir: John Landis • Scr: John Landis, Dan Aykroyd • Cast: Dan Aykroyd (Elwood Blues), John Belushi (Jake Blues)

  One hundred and three cars were destroyed for the shoot. Sixty police cruisers were purchased, and a twenty-four-hour body shop set up to perform running repairs after takes; thirteen Bluesmobiles were required for the huge number of stunts. For the sequence in which a Ford Pinto falls from the sky a helicopter dropped the car, which required a certificate of airworthiness from the Federal Aviation Administration.

  ROUND UP THE USUAL SUSPECTS

  Every screenwriter dreams of penning a line which needs no introduction, encapsulates an entire story or just takes root in the popular imagination:

  One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got in my pyjamas, I don’t know.

  Animal Crackers (1930)

  Scr: Morrie Ryskind • Based on a play by George S. Kaufman, Morrie Ryskind, Bert Kalmar, Harry Ruby

  It’s alive! It’s alive!

  Frankenstein (1931)

  Scr: John L. Balderston, Garrett Fort, Francis Edward Faragoh • Based on a story by Mary Shelley and a play by Peggy Webling

  Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into!

  Sons of the Desert (1933)

  Scr: Frank Craven

  After all, tomorrow is another day.

  Gone with the Wind (1939)

  Scr: Sidney Howard • Based on a novel by Margaret Mitchell

  Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas any more.

  The Wizard of Oz (1939)

  Scr: Noel Langley, Florence Ryerson and eighteen others

  Here’s looking at you, kid.

  Casablanca (1942)

  Scr: Julius J. Epstein, Philip G. Epstein, Howard Koch • Based on a play by Murray Burnett, Joan Alison

  Badges? We ain’t got no badges! We don’t need no badges! I don’t have to show you any stinking badges!

  The Treasure of Sierra Madre (1948)

  Scr: John Huston • Based on a novel by B. Traven

  A martini. Shaken, not stirred.

  Goldfinger (1964)

  Scr: Richard Maibaum, Paul Dehn • Based on a novel by Ian Fleming

  What we’ve got here is a failure to communicate.

  Cool Hand Luke (1967)

  Scr: Donn Pearce, Frank Pierson • Based on a novel by Donn Pearce

  Hello, gorgeous.

  Funny Girl (1968)

  Scr: Isobel Lennart, based on her play

  I’m walking here! I’m walking here!

  Midnight Cowboy (1969)

  Scr: Waldo Salt • Based on a novel by James Leo Herlihy

  Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

  Love Story (1970)

  Scr: Erich Segal, based on his novel

  Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

  The Godfather: Part II (1974)

  Scr: Francis Ford Coppola, Mario Puzo • Based on a novel by Mario Puzo

  Is it safe?

  Marathon Man (1976)

  Scr: William Goldman, based on his novel

  You talkin’ to me?

  Taxi Driver (1976)

  Scr: Paul Schrader

  May the Force be with you.

  Star Wars (1977)

  Scr: George Lucas

  STRIKER: Surely you can’t be serious!

  RUMACK: I am serious. . . and don’t call me Shirley.

  Airplane (1980)

  Scr: Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, Jerry Zucker

  All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

  Here’s Johnny!

  The Shining (1980)

  Scr: Stephen King, Stanley Kubrick • Based on a novel by Stephen King

  They’re here!

  Poltergeist (1982)

  Scr: Steven Spielberg, Michael Grais, Mark Victor

  E.T. phone home.

  E.T. The Extraterrestrial (1982)

  Scr: Melissa Mathison

  Say hello to my little friend.

  Scarface (1983)

  Scr: Oliver Stone

  Go ahead, make my day.

  Sudden Impact (1983)

  Scr: Joseph Stinson, Earl E. Smith, Charles B. Pierce • Based on characters created by Harry Julian Fink, Rita M. Fink

  I’ll be back.

  The Terminator (1984)

  Scr: James Cameron, Gale Anne Hurd

  Game over, man! Game Over!

  Aliens (1986)

  Scr: James Cameron, David Giler, Walter Hill • Based on characters created by Dan O’Bannon, Ronald Shusett

  I feel the need. . . the need for speed!

  Top Gun (1986)

  Scr: Jim Cash, Jack Epps Jr. • Based on a magazine article by Ehud Yonay

  If you build it, he will come.

  Field of Dreams (1989)

  Scr: Phil Alden Robinson • Based on a novel by W. P. Kinsella

  I’ll have what she’s having.

  When Harry Met Sally (1989)

  Scr: Nora Ephron

  Hasta la vista, baby.

  Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

  Scr: James Cameron, William Wisher Jr.

  Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.

  Forrest Gump (1994)

  Scr: Eric Roth • Based on a novel by Winston Groom

  Houston, we have a problem.

  Apollo 13 (1995)

  Scr: William Broyles Jr., Al Reinert • Based on a book by Jim Lovell, Jeffrey Kluger

  To Infinity and beyond!

  Toy Story (1995)

  Scr: John Lasseter, Pete Docter, Andrew S
tanton, Joe Ranft, Joss Whedon, Joel Cohen, Alec Sokolow

  Show me the money!

  Jerry Maguire (1996)

  Scr: Cameron Crowe

  My precious...

  Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (2002)

  Scr: Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Stephen Sinclair, Peter Jackson • Based on a novel by J. R. R. Tolkien

  1980 AIRPLANE!

  Airline pilot Clarence Oveur and his flight officers Roger and Victor prepare for take-off.

  ROGER MURDOCK

  Flight 2-0-9’er, you are cleared for take-off.

  CAPTAIN OVEUR

  Roger!

  ROGER MURDOCK

  Huh?

  CONTROL TOWER

  L.A. departure frequency 123 point 9’er.

  CAPTAIN OVEUR

  Roger!

  ROGER MURDOCK

  Huh?

  VICTOR BASTA

  Request vector, over.

  CAPTAIN OVEUR

  What?

  CONTROL TOWER

  Flight 2-0-9’er cleared for vector 324.

  ROGER MURDOCK

  We have clearance, Clarence.

  CAPTAIN OVEUR

  Roger, Roger. What’s our vector, Victor?

  CONTROL TOWER

  Tower’s radio clearance, over!

  CAPTAIN OVEUR

  That’s Clarence Oveur. Over.

  CONTROL TOWER

  Over.

  CAPTAIN OVEUR

  Roger.

  ROGER MURDOCK

  Huh?

  CONTROL TOWER

  Roger, over!

  ROGER MURDOCK

  What?

  CAPTAIN OVEUR

  Huh?

  VICTOR BASTA

  Who?

  Dir: Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, Jerry Zucker • Scr: Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, Jerry Zucker • Based on the film Zero Hour!(1957) by Arthur Hailey, Hall Bartlett, John C. Champion • Cast: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (Roger Murdock), Peter Graves (Captain Clarence Oveur), Unknown (Control Tower), Frank Ashmore (Victor Basta)

  The film parodies many airborne or disaster movies of the time, including Airport 1975 in which a stewardess is also forced to pilot a plane after both pilots are incapacitated, a girl needs a kidney transplant and one of the passengers is also a singing nun. It includes so many direct references to the unintentionally hilarious Zero Hour! (‘We have to find someone who can not only fly this plane, but who didn’t have fish for dinner’) that the producers had to buy the rights to the film to avoid charges of plagiarism.

  1983 THE BIG CHILL

  Meg is frustrated she never seems to meet any suitable men.

  MEG

  They’re either married or gay. And if they’re not gay, they’ve just broken up with the most wonderful woman in the world, or they’ve just broken up with a bitch who looks exactly like me. They’re in transition from a monogamous relationship and they need more space. Or they’re tired of space, but they just can’t commit. Or they want to commit, but they’re afraid to get close. They want to get close, you don’t want to get near them.

  Dir: Lawrence Kasdan • Scr: Lawrence Kasdan, Barbara Benedek • Cast: Mary Kay Place (Meg Jones)

  1987 HOPE AND GLORY

  An old man tells his grandson how his children got their names.

  GEORGE

  You want to know why they’re called Faith, Hope, Grace and Charity?

  BILL

  Why?

  GEORGE

  Your Grandmother. She named them after the virtues I lack. That’s marriage for you.

  Dir: John Boorman • Scr: John Boorman • Cast: Ian Bannen (Grandfather George), Sebastian Rice-Edwards (Bill Rowan)

  1992 BITTER MOON

  Oscar, who is now in a wheelchair, reminisces about his turbulent relationship with his wife.

  OSCAR

  She came to see me when I got out of intensive care. She said, there’s bad news and there’s good news. You’re paralysed from the waist down — permanently. Okay, I said, let’s have the good news. That was the good news, she said. The bad news is that from now on, I’m taking care of you.

  Dir: Roman Polanski • Scr: Roman Polanski, Gérard Brach, John Brownjohn, Jeff Gross • Based on a novel by Pascal Bruckner • Cast: Peter Coyote (Oscar)

  1994 PULP FICTION

  Two hit-men drink coffee with Jimmie in his kitchen.

  JULES

  Mmmm. . . Goddamn, Jimmie! This is some serious gourmet shit. Usually, me and Vince would be happy with some freeze-dried Taster’s Choice right, but he springs this serious gourmet shit on us. What flavour is this?

  JIMMIE

  Knock it off, Julie.

  JULES

  What?

  JIMMIE

  I don’t need you to tell me how fucking good my coffee is, okay? I’m the one who buys it. I know how good it is. When Bonnie goes shopping she buys shit. I buy the gourmet expensive stuff because when I drink it I want to taste it. But you know what’s on my mind right now? It ain’t the coffee in my kitchen, it’s the dead nigger in my garage.

  JULES

  Oh, Jimmie, don’t even worry about that –

  JIMMIE

  No, no, no — let me ask you a question. When you came pulling in here, did you notice a sign out in front of my house that said ‘Dead Nigger Storage’?

  JULES

  Jimmie, you know I ain’t seen no...

  Jimmie is getting angry now.

  JIMMIE

  Did you notice a sign out in front of my house that said ‘Dead Nigger Storage’?

  JULES

  No. I didn’t.

  JIMMIE

  You know why you didn’t see that sign?

  JULES

  Why?

  JIMMIE

  ’Cause it ain’t there. ’Cause storing dead niggers ain’t my fucking business, that’s why!

  Dir: Quentin Tarantino • Scr: Quentin Tarantino, Roger Avary • Cast: Samuel L. Jackson (Jules Winnfield), Quentin Tarantino (Jimmie Dimmick)

  1995 HEAT

  Vincent, a detective, and Neil, a bank robber, realize they have met their match in each other.

  VINCENT

  You know, we’re sitting here, you and I, like a couple of regular fellas. You do what you do, and I do what I gotta do. And now that we’ve been face to face, if I’m there and I gotta put you away, I won’t like it. But I tell you, if it’s between you and some poor bastard whose wife you’re gonna turn into a widow, brother, you are going down.

  NEIL

  There is a flip side to that coin. What if you do got me boxed in and I gotta put you down? ’Cause no matter what, you will not get in my way. We’ve been face to face, yeah. But I will not hesitate. Not for a second.

  Dir: Michael Mann • Scr: Michael Mann • Cast: Al Pacino (Lieutenant Vincent Hanna), Robert De Niro (Neil McCauley)

  Michael Mann originally wrote and directed the story as L.A. Takedown (1989), a television pilot which was never commissioned. Heat itself, not so much a remake as a revision, was the first film in which Pacino and De Niro acted together (in The Godfather: Part II they never actually appeared on screen at the same time).

  1997 THE ICE STORM

  Ben hopes to persuade his fellow dinner guests how solid his marriage is.

  BEN

  The only big fight we’ve had in years is about whether to go back into couples therapy.

  Dir: Ang Lee • Scr: James Schamus • Based on a novel by Rick Moody • Cast: Kevin Kline (Ben Hood)

  1998 ROUNDERS

  Worm and Petra worry that their friend is in a dead-end relationship.

  WORM

  She’s really got him by the balls.

  PETRA

  That’s not so bad, is it?

  WORM

  It depends on the grip!

  Dir: John Dahl • Scr: David Levien, Brian Koppelman • Cast: Edward Norton (Lester ‘Worm’ Murphy), Famke Janssen (Petra)

  1999 TOPSY-TURVY

  Librettist Gilbert and composer Sullivan argue over
suitable material for their next production, The Mikado.

  GILBERT

  Every theatrical performance is a contrivance by its very nature.

  SULLIVAN

  Yes, but this piece consists entirely of an artificial and implausible situation.

  GILBERT

  If you wish to write a grand opera about a prostitute dying of consumption in a garret, I suggest you contact Mr Ibsen in Oslo. I am sure he will be able to furnish you with something suitably dull.

  Dir: Mike Leigh • Scr: Mike Leigh • Cast: Jim Broadbent (W. S. Gilbert), Allan Corduner (Sir Arthur Sullivan)

  Gilbert’s reference is to Verdi’s opera La Traviata. His dismissal of Ibsen as ‘dull’ is somewhat unfair as his play A Doll’s House was considered deeply risqué and was actually banned in many countries.

  AUTHOR, AUTHOR

  I’ve seen horrors. Horrors that you’ve seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that. But you have no right to judge me...

  We train young men to drop fire on people, but their commanders won’t allow them to write ‘fuck’ on their airplanes because it’s obscene...

  Have you ever considered any real freedoms? Freedoms from the opinions of others. Even the opinions of yourself. Did they say why, Willard? Why they wanted to terminate my command?

  When Colonel Kurtz (Marlon Brando), half-obscured by lamplight in Apocalypse Now (1979), delivers these lines in his final scenes, whose words are we hearing? Are they by:

  Joseph Conrad, whose short novel Heart of Darkness (1899) about a renegade ivory trader in the African Congo inspired the film’s story;

  Screenwriter John Milius, who transplanted the narrative to Vietnam in a script originally called ‘The Psychedelic Soldier’;

  Anthropologist James Frazer, whose study The Golden Bough (1890) appears as a prop in Kurtz’s compound and is a source for many of the cultural themes in the story;

  T. S. Eliot, whose poem ‘The Hollow Men’ (1925) is quoted by Kurtz (‘The horror, the horror’) and which begins itself with an epigraph from Conrad’s Heart of Darkness;

  Vietnam War reporter Michael Herr, whose book Dispatches (1977) was a key reference (Herr also wrote the voice-over narration for the film);

 

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