1996 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS
Gina is tired of her male friends’ obsession with youthful beauty.
GINA
No matter how perfect the nipple, how supple the thigh, unless there’s some other shit going on in the relationship besides physical it’s going get old, okay? And you guys, as a gender, have got to get a grip otherwise the future of the human race is in jeopardy.
Dir: Ted Demme • Scr: Scott Rosenberg • Cast: Rosie O’Donnell (Gina Barrisano)
1997 THE DEVIL’S ADVOCATE
Kevin questions Milton, who is actually the Devil disguised as a New York lawyer.
KEVIN
What about love?
MILTON
Overrated. Biochemically no different than eating large quantities of chocolate.
Dir: Taylor Hackford • Scr: Jonathan Lemkin, Tony Gilroy • Based on a novel by Andrew Neiderman • Cast: Keanu Reeves (Kevin Lomax), Al Pacino (John Milton)
Lawyer John Milton was named after the seventeenth-century author of Paradise Lost. The poem contains the line ‘Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven’.
1998 YOU’VE GOT MAIL
Kathleen writes a heartfelt email to a man she has never even met.
KATHLEEN
I like to start my notes to you as if we’re already in the middle of a conversation. I pretend that we’re the oldest and dearest friends — as opposed to what we actually are, people who don’t know each other’s names and met in an ‘Over 30’ chatroom where we both claimed we’d never been before. What will NY152 say today, I wonder. I turn on my computer, I wait impatiently as it boots up. I go on line, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You’ve got mail. I hear nothing, not even a sound on the streets of New York, just the beat of my own heart. I have mail. From you.
Dir: Nora Ephron • Scr: Nora Ephron, Delia Ephron • Based on a play by Miklós László • Cast: Meg Ryan (Kathleen Kelly)
Nora Ephron adapted her script from The Shop Around the Corner, a play by Miklós László in which the two protagonists fall in love while corresponding by post.
2001 A BEAUTIFUL MIND
A brilliant mathematician finds himself emotionally awkward with his lover.
NASH
Alicia, does our relationship warrant long-term commitment? I need some kind of proof, some kind of verifiable, empirical data.
ALICIA
I’m sorry, just give me a moment to redefine my girlish notions of romance.
Dir: Ron Howard • Scr: Akiva Goldsman • Based on a book by Sylvia Nasar • Cast: Russell Crowe (John Nash), Jennifer Connelly (Alicia Nash)
2002 THE RULES OF ATTRACTION
Lauren discovers her partner Sean has slept with her roommate.
SEAN
I only had sex with her because I’m in love with you.
Dir: Roger Avary • Scr: Roger Avary • Based on a novel by Bret Easton Ellis • Cast: James van der Beek (Sean Bateman)
2003 BIG FISH
Will suspects his mother may have idealized her relationships in the past.
WILL
I know better than to argue romance with a French woman.
Dir: Tim Burton • Scr: John August • Based on a novel by Daniel Wallace • Cast: Billy Crudup (Will Bloom)
STARRING
Sean O’Fearna is regularly ranked among the twentieth century’s greatest directors. His collaboration with rising star Marion Morrison on Stagecoach won the Best Picture Oscar in 1940; a screen legend for over thirty years, Morrison eventually won in the acting category for True Grit (1969). Thomas Mapother IV has been nominated for three Academy Awards and was Hollywood’s highest-earning star in 2012, while Allan Stewart Konigsberg has won four from his twenty-three nominations but only attended the ceremony once. Who would have foreseen Paul Georg Julius Hernreid Ritter von Wassel-Waldingau would flee Casablanca with Ingrid Bergman, leaving Humphrey Bogart alone and heartbroken? And who can forget Bernard Schwartz as a cross-dressing saxophonist consoling Norma Jeane Mortenson as she complains she always gets ‘the fuzzy end of the lollipop’?
Shrewd agents, perhaps. O’Fearna was the birth name of John Ford, Marion Morrison became John Wayne, Mapother is Tom Cruise and Mr Konigsberg is Woody Allen. Herr Wassel-Waldingau is better known as Paul Henreid, Schwartz as Tony Curtis, and Miss Mortenson ended her career worshipped but alone as Marilyn Monroe.
Many talented artists from Europe who fuelled Hollywood’s boom through the 1930s were persuaded by immigration officials, studio bosses and plain common sense to give their real names a more user-friendly ring. Some, in a career where identity was increasingly synonymous with brand, just wanted to stand apart. Still others, saddled with a lack of poetry in their birth certificate, just wanted a zippier start.
For some it was easy enough: Ethel Zimmerman shed her youthful Zim to become Ethel Merman, while Frederick Austerlitz dropped Rick and Litz to take off as Fred Astaire. Others found a trim perfectly sufficient: Clint(on) Eastwood, Jr., James (Baum)garner, Walter Matuschanskayasky (Matthau), while the homophonous Dominic Felix Amici (Don Ameche) and Leo Jacoby (Lee J. Cobb) found stardust in spelling. Catherine Jones borrowed a Zeta- before marrying Michael Delaney Dowd, Jr (Michael Douglas, son of Issur Danielovitch – better known as Kirk Douglas).
Mel Columcille Gerard Gibson tactfully buried his middle names, Eldred Gregory Peck abandoned his first and Jennifer Anastassakis (Aniston) seems to have grown bored of hers halfway through. In some cases, professions dictated a certain style: Hulk Hogan may be forgiven for doubting Terry Jene Bollea would look imposing splashed across billboards, and Virginia McMath put a spring in her step to become Ginger Rogers.
The rest hardly need to justify themselves:
• Anne Bancroft: Anna-Maria Louisa Italiano
• Ben Kingsley: Krishna Banji
• Brigitte Bardot: Camille Javal
• Bruce Willis: Walter Willison
• Claudette Colbert: Lily Chauchoin
• Cyd Charisse: Tula Ellice Finklea
• Demi Moore: Demetria Gene Guynes
• Diana Dors: Diana Fluck
• Doris Day: Doris von Kappelhoff
• Edward G. Robinson: Emmanuel Goldenberg
• James Dean: Seth Ward
• Joaquin Phoenix: Joaquin Rafael Bottom
• Judy Garland: Frances Gumm
• Lauren Bacall: Betty Joan Perske
• Michael Caine: Maurice Micklewhite
• Red Buttons: Aaron Chwatt
• Rita Hayworth: Margarita Cansino
• Whoopi Goldberg: Caryn Johnson
For readers who feel cheated by these false identities, the Internet Movie Database lists 139 entries under plain John Smith, although one had actually been persuaded by his agent that a straightforward name was more promising than his former one: Robert Errol Van Orden. The various John Smiths have been responsible for the following credits:
• Actor: Crazy
• Actor: Emergency!
• Actor: At Death’s Door
• Producer: England’s Worst Ever Football Team
• Director: Bound and Thrashed
• Transportation Department: Up in the Air
• Production Manager: The Labyrinth of Love
• Miscellaneous Crew: Tortoise in Love
• Composer: Stuff
• Self: The Porn King, the Strippers and The Bent Coppers
• Self: The Harlem Globetrotters Popcorn Machine
• Self: Super High Me
• Thanks: Recalculating
2003 LOVE ACTUALLY
PRIME MINISTER
Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion’s starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don’t see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it’s not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it’s always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wive
s, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaking suspicion. . . love actually is all around.
Dir: Richard Curtis • Scr: Richard Curtis • Cast: Hugh Grant (David, the Prime Minister)
2004 ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY
Two chauvinistic journalists discuss their hapless love lives.
BRIAN
I think I was in love once.
RON
Really? What was her name?
BRIAN
I don’t remember.
RON
That’s not a good start, but keep going.
BRIAN
She was Brazilian or Chinese or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a Kmart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.
RON
I’m pretty sure that’s not love.
BRIAN
Damn it.
Dir: Adam McKay • Scr: Will Ferrell, Adam McKay • Cast: Paul Rudd (Brian Fantana), Will Ferrell (Ron Burgundy)
2004 CLOSER
Larry, who has just broken up with his lover, visits a strip club where he runs into Alice, an old acquaintance.
LARRY
All the girls in this hell hole. . . the pneumatic robots, the coked-up babydolls. . . and you’re no different. You all use stage names to con yourselves you’re someone else so you don’t feel ashamed when you show your cunts and assholes to complete fucking strangers! I’m trying to have a conversation here!
ALICE
You’re out of cash, buddy.
LARRY
I paid for this room!
ALICE
This is extra.
LARRY
We met last year.
ALICE
Wrong girl.
LARRY
Talk to me!
ALICE
I am.
LARRY
Talk to me in real life. I didn’t know you’d be here. I know who you are. I love you. I love everything about you. The hurt.
He laughs - then begins to cry.
She won’t even see me. You feel the same. I know you feel the same.
ALICE
You can’t cry in here.
LARRY
Hold me. Let me hold you.
ALICE
We’re not allowed to touch.
LARRY
Well, come home with me. It’s safe. Let me look after you.
ALICE
I don’t need looking after.
LARRY
Everybody needs looking after.
ALICE
I’m not your revenge fuck.
LARRY
I’ll pay you.
ALICE
I don’t need your money.
LARRY
You have my money.
ALICE
Thank you.
LARRY
‘Thank you.’ ‘Thank you.’ Is that some kind of rule?
ALICE
Just being polite.
LARRY
Get a lot of grown men crying their guts out, do you?
ALICE
Occupational hazard.
Dir: Mike Nichols • Scr: Patrick Marber, based on his play • Cast: Clive Owen (Larry Gray), Natalie Portman (Alice Ayres)
2005 THE SECRET LIFE OF WORDS
Josef tries to persuade Hanna to break free from her fearful, repetitive life.
JOSEF
I thought, um, you and I, maybe we could go away somewhere. Together. One of these days. Today. Right now. Come with me.
HANNA
No, I don’t think that’s going to be possible.
JOSEF
Why not?
HANNA
Because I think that if we go away to someplace together, I’m afraid that one day, maybe not today, maybe. . . maybe not tomorrow either, but one day suddenly, I may begin to cry and cry so very much that nothing or nobody can stop me and the tears will fill the room, and I won’t be able to breathe and I will pull you down with me and we’ll both drown.
JOSEF
I’ll learn how to swim, Hanna. I swear, I’ll learn how to swim.
Dir: Isabel Coixet • Scr: Isabel Coixet • Cast: Tim Robbins (Josef), Sarah Polley (Hanna)
2010 RED
Secret agent Victoria — Retired, Extremely Dangerous — reveals her past to her hostage.
VICTORIA
I was in love with an agent once.
SARAH
What happened?
VICTORIA
Well, I was with MI6 and the relationship wasn’t sanctioned. So when it came to light, my loyalty was questioned and I was ordered to kill him. It was a test.
SARAH
What did you do?
VICTORIA
I put three bullets in his chest.
Dir: Robert Schwentke • Scr: Jon Hoeber, Erich Hoeber • Based on a graphic novel by Warren Ellis, Cully Hamner • Cast: Helen Mirren (Victoria), Mary-Louise Parker (Sarah Ross)
In Bulgaria, the film was distributed under the title BSP: Besni Strashni Pensii – which means ‘Furious Frightful Pensioners’.
2011 HANNA
A young woman raised in seclusion by her father encounters other people for the first time.
HANNA
Are we going to kiss now?
FELICIANO
Would you like to?
HANNA
Kissing requires a total of thirty-four facial muscles and a hundred and twelve postural muscles. The most important muscle involved is the orbicularis oris muscle, because it is used to pucker the lips.
Dir: Joe Wright • Scr: David Farr, Seth Lochhead • Based on a story by Seth Lochhead • Cast: Saoirse Ronan (Hanna Heller), Álvaro Cervantes (Feliciano)
A standby prop man on the set of Dr No (1962) is surely feeling the heat as he wets down Ursula Andress’s costume.
Mischievous as ever, Alfred Hitchcock poses in a publicity shot for Psycho (1960) in the chair reserved for Norman Bates’s dead mother.
Jane Fonda as Barbarella, epitomizing the sexy exuberance of the science-fiction films of the 1960s.
Libido
1939 NINOTCHKA
LEON
It’s midnight. One half of Paris is making love to the other half.
Dir: Ernst Lubitsch • Scr: Charles Brackett, Billy Wilder, Walter Reisch • Based on a story by Melchior Lengyel • Cast: Melvyn Douglas (Count Leon d’Algout)
1939 GONE WITH THE WIND
SCARLETT
Rhett, don’t. I shall faint.
RHETT
I want you to faint. This is what you were meant for. None of the fools you’ve ever known have kissed you like this, have they?
Dir: Victor Fleming • Scr: Sidney Howard • Based on a novel by Margaret Mitchell • Cast: Vivien Leigh (Scarlett O’Hara), Clark Gable (Rhett Butler)
Gary Cooper turned down the part of Rhett Butler, saying not only ‘Gone with the Wind is going to be the biggest flop in Hollywood history,’ but also ‘I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.’ Measured on its US box office receipts and adjusted for inflation, the film remains the most profitable release in the history of cinema.
1941 BALL OF FIRE
A mild-mannered lexicographer hopes to learn contemporary slang from a nightclub performer.
POTTS
I shall regret the absence of your keen mind. Unfortunately, it is inseparable from an extremely disturbing body.
Dir: Howard Hawks • Scr: Charles Brackett, Billy Wilder, Thomas Monroe • Cast: Gary Cooper (Bertram Potts)
1942 THE MAJOR AND THE MINOR
OSBORNE
Why don’t you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
Dir: Billy Wilder • Scr: Charles Brackett, Billy Wilder • Based on a story by Fanny Kilbourne and a play by Edward Chil
ds Carpenter • Cast: Robert Benchley (Mr Albert Osborne)
‘WHEN WOMEN GO WRONG, MEN GO RIGHT AFTER THEM’
Mae West (1893–1980) began her career as a child actor before turning to vaudeville; in 1926 she wrote, directed and starred in the Broadway play Sex. Arrested on charges of obscenity, she served ten days in jail on Welfare Island where she delighted in telling reporters she had worn silk underwear throughout her stay. The controversy ensured her – aged thirty-eight – a contract with Paramount. During her first film, Night After Night (1932), West insisted on rewriting many of her scenes, prompting her co-star George Raft to declare: ‘she stole everything but the cameras’.
Although a supporter of women’s liberation, she never declared herself a feminist and remained as famous for her sexual innuendo in real life as on screen. Memorable quips include:
• When women go wrong, men go right after them.
• When caught between two evils I generally pick the one I’ve never tried before.
• When I’m good, I’m very good. But when I’m bad, I’m better.
• Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere else.
• I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
• Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I’m tired.
• A hard man is good to find.
• I believe in censorship. After all, I made a fortune out of it.
• I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.
• To err is human, but it feels divine.
• Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
• Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.
• Sex is emotion in motion.
• Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often.
All the Best Lines Page 11