He begins to shout at the camera:
You’ve got to say: ‘I’m a human being, goddammit! My life has value!’ So, I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell: ‘I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not gonna take this any more!’
Dir: Sidney Lumet • Scr: Paddy Chayefsky • Cast: Peter Finch (Howard Beale)
1976 ROCKY
Two friends wonder whether underdog boxer Rocky has what it takes to win.
ADRIAN
Einstein flunked out of school, twice.
PAULIE
Is that so?
ADRIAN
Yeah. Beethoven was deaf. Helen Keller was blind. I think Rocky’s got a good chance.
Dir: John G. Avildsen • Scr: Sylvester Stallone • Cast: Talia Shire (Adrian Pennino), Burt Young (Paulie Pennino)
1976 THE SHOOTIST
An ageing gunfighter tries to live his last days with the dignity and integrity of his youth.
BOOKS
I won’t be wronged. I won’t be insulted. I won’t be laid a hand on. I don’t do these things to other people, and I require the same from them.
Dir: Don Siegel • Scr: Miles Hood Swarthout, Scott Hale • Based on a novel by Glendon Swarthout • Cast: John Wayne (J. B. Books)
Sequences in the story showing Books as a young man were taken directly from Wayne’s earlier films, including Red River, Rio Bravo and El Dorado.
1977 STAR WARS
HAN SOLO
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster by your side, kid.
Dir: George Lucas • Scr: George Lucas • Cast: Harrison Ford (Han Solo)
Director George Lucas based the character of Han Solo on his friend Francis Ford Coppola, modestly admitting: ‘Before I met [Francis] I couldn’t write a word, and now I’m the King of Wooden Dialogue.’ Lucas himself was surprised by the film’s extraordinary success, saying afterwards: ‘I thought [Star Wars] was too wacky for the general public.’
1978 SUPERMAN
Superman carries Lois Lane to safety high above Metropolis.
SUPERMAN
Easy, Miss, I’ve got you.
LOIS LANE
You’ve got me? Who’s got you?
Dir: Richard Donner • Scr: Mario Puzo, David Newman, Leslie Newman, Robert Benton • Based on characters created by Jerry Siegel, Joe Shuster • Cast: Christopher Reeve (Superman/Clark Kent), Margot Kidder (Lois Lane)
1979 LIFE OF BRIAN
Brian of Nazareth is tired of being mistaken for his neighbour Jesus.
BRIAN
I’m not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!
GIRL
Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
BRIAN
What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
FOLLOWERS
He is! He is the Messiah!
BRIAN
Now fuck off!
Silence.
ARTHUR
How shall we fuck off, O Lord?
Dir: Terry Jones • Scr: Terry Jones, John Cleese, Graham Chapman, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Michael Palin • Cast: Graham Chapman (Brian Cohen), John Cleese (Arthur)
The film also contains the memorable put-down from Brian’s mother: ‘He’s not the Messiah, he’s a very naughty boy.’ After the team finished Monty Python and the Holy Grail, they grew tired of journalists endlessly asking what their next project would be – until Eric Idle answered as a joke: ‘Jesus Christ: The Lust For Glory.’ The first scene they dreamed up was to show Jesus, a professional carpenter, complaining about the shoddy construction of the cross used to crucify him.
1983 THE RIGHT STUFF
Pancho’s Bar is the only place local Air Force test pilots can drink, and it attracts plenty of groupies.
GIRL
I just noticed that a fancy pilot like Slick over there doesn’t have his picture on your wall. What do you have to do to get your picture up there anyway?
PANCHO BARNES
You have to die, sweetie.
Dir: Philip Kaufman • Scr: Philip Kaufman • Based on a book by Tom Wolfe • Cast: O-Lan Shepard (Girl), Kim Stanley (Pancho Barnes)
1987 THE UNTOUCHABLES
Federal Agent Eliot Ness has finally arrested Chicago’s most notorious mobster. A journalist pursues him.
SCOOP
Mr Ness! Any comment for the record? ‘The man who put Al Capone on the spot.’
NESS
I just happened to be there when the wheel went round.
SCOOP
Word is they’re going to repeal Prohibition. What’ll you do then?
NESS
I think I’ll have a drink.
Dir: Brian De Palma • Scr: David Mamet • Based on the book by Oscar Fraley, Eliot Ness • Cast: Steven Goldstein (Scoop), Kevin Costner (Eliot Ness)
1988 DIE HARD
A terrorist talks to his unknown adversary on a walkie-talkie.
GRUBER
Mr Mystery Guest? Are you still there?
MCCLANE
Yeah, I’m still here. Unless you wanna open the front door for me.
GRUBER
No, I’m afraid not. But you have me at a loss. You know my name, but who are you? Just another American who saw too many movies as a child? Another orphan of a bankrupt culture who thinks he’s John Wayne? Rambo? Marshal Dillon?
MCCLANE
I was always kinda partial to Roy Rogers, actually. I really like those sequined shirts.
GRUBER
Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr Cowboy?
MCCLANE
Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.
Dir: John McTiernan • Scr: Steven E. de Souza, Jeb Stuart • Based on a novel by Roderick Thorp • Cast: Alan Rickman (Hans Gruber), Bruce Willis (John McClane)
‘SLUG IN A DITCH!’
As with many movies, Die Hard was considered too rollicking for younger audiences watching the film on television. In order to create an acceptable family viewing experience, the frequent swear-words were overdubbed – with varying degrees of success. As the story unfolded, the results became increasingly surreal:
Yippee-ki-yay, my friend!
Yippee-ki-yay, melon farmer!
Yippee-ki-yay, Mr Falcon!
This last is especially intriguing since nobody in the film is actually called Falcon.
These days Hollywood favours ‘fricking’ to cover the most popular expletive, and a direct version of the insult can be softened by re-recording it as ‘thank you’. Not content to play that game, the Coen brothers enjoy a dig at TV prudishness by replacing the offensive word with ‘froozing’.
Here are a few more mealy-mouthed examples. In most cases the original dialogue is clear enough, but translations follow the more truly inventive:
Your mother sews socks that smell, Karras, you faithless slime. (Your mother sucks cocks in Hell, Karras, you faithless slime.)
The Exorcist (1973)
Scum buzzard. (Sonofabitch.)
Smokey and the Bandit (1977)
Man, who do I look like, Christopher Columbo? (Fuck yo mama!)
National Lampoon’s Vacation (1983)
This town is like a great big chicken just waiting to get plucked. (This town is like a great big pussy just waiting to get fucked.)
Scarface (1983)
Slug in a ditch!
Repo Man (1984)
Did you slip her the hot wild affection? (Did you slip her the hot beef injection?)
The Breakfast Club (1985)
Pardon my French, but you’re an aardvark.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)
We bury the funsters!
Lethal Weapon (1987)
You’re gonna be a bad mothercrusher!
Robocop (1987)
Mickey Fickey!
Do the Right Thin
g (1989)
We were going to ask Ty Cobb to play, but none of us could stand that son of a squid.
Field of Dreams (1989)
Go feel your mother!
Goodfellas (1990)
Come back here, you steroid!
Total Recall (1990)
I popped your wife, and later I’m gonna pop her again.
The Last Boy Scout (1991)
Hand me the keys, you fuzzy sock-sucker.
The Usual Suspects (1994)
Give me the keys, you fairy godmother!
The Usual Suspects (1994)
Forget me? Forget you, you mother forgetter!
Casino (1995)
Jesus, how much did you smoke? All it took was a phat karate punch. (All it took was a phat chronic blunt.)
Mallrats (1995)
Get out of my freshly vacuumed house.
Fargo (1996)
I gave simple fruitful instructions.
Fargo (1996)
This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps! (This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!)
The Big Lebowski (1998)
I’ve had it with these monkey-fightin’ snakes on this Monday-to-Friday plane.
Snakes on a Plane (2006)
1993 NAKED
A disturbed young man rails against the unthinking culture that surrounds us.
JOHNNY
Was I bored? No, I wasn’t fuckin’ bored. I’m never bored. That’s the trouble with everybody — you’re all so bored. You’ve had nature explained to you and you’re bored with it, you’ve had the living body explained to you and you’re bored with it, you’ve had the universe explained to you and you’re bored with it, so now you want cheap thrills and, like, plenty of them, and it doesn’t matter how tawdry or vacuous they are as long as it’s new. . . as long as it’s new as long as it flashes and fuckin’ bleeps in forty fuckin’ different colours. So whatever else you can say about me, I’m not fuckin’ bored.
Dir: Mike Leigh • Scr: Mike Leigh • Cast: David Thewlis (Johnny)
Mike Leigh’s technique for shaping a story is the opposite of the traditional process. On this project the cast rehearsed for three months to refine their improvisations and the actual shooting ‘script’ was only two dozen pages long.
1996 FARGO
An imperturbable small-town police officer arrests a murderer at the scene of the crime.
MARGE
So that was Mrs Lundegaard on the floor in there. And I guess that was your accomplice in the wood chipper. And those three people in Brainerd. And for what? For a little bit of money. There’s more to life than a little money, you know. Don’tcha know that? And here ya are, and it’s a beautiful day. Well, I just don’t understand it.
Dir: Joel Coen, Ethan Coen • Scr: Ethan Coen, Joel Coen • Cast: Frances McDormand (Marge Gunderson)
The film states that its events are based on a true story but the Coen brothers later admitted they only added the disclaimer to make the unusual narrative seem more plausible. The wood chipper used in the movie is now on display at the Fargo-Moorhead Visitors Center.
1996 THE PEOPLE VS. LARRY FLYNT
A pornography tycoon asks the court to consider society’s hypocrisy.
FLYNT
I think the real obscenity comes from raising our youth to believe that sex is bad and ugly and dirty, and yet it is heroic to go spill guts and blood in the most ghastly manner in the name of humanity. With all the taboos attached to sex, it’s no wonder we have the problems we have. It’s no wonder we’re angry and violent and genocidal. But ask yourself the question: what is more obscene? Sex or war?
Dir: Miloš Forman • Scr: Scott Alexander, Larry Karaszewski • Cast: Woody Harrelson (Larry Flynt)
1996 THE ROCK
A veteran agent mistrusts his young accomplice.
MASON
Are you sure you’re ready for this?
GOODSPEED
I’ll do my best.
MASON
Your best! Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.
GOODSPEED
Carla was the prom queen.
Dir: Michael Bay • Scr: Douglas S. Cook, David Weisberg, Mark Rosner Cast: Sean Connery (John Mason), Nicolas Cage (Stanley Goodspeed)
1998 THE BIG LEBOWSKI
Jeff Lebowski may be laid back but he has strong views about how he should be addressed.
THE DUDE
Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not ‘Mr Lebowski’. You’re Mr Lebowski. I’m the Dude. So that’s what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.
Dir: Joel Coen, Ethan Coen • Scr: Joel Coen, Ethan Coen • Cast: Jeff Bridges (The Dude)
Several key scenes are set in a bowling alley. The film-makers might be delighted to know that in Norway posters and VHS covers carried the endorsement ‘anbefales av norsk bowling forbund’ (‘recommended by the Norwegian Bowling Association’).
2000 ERIN BROCKOVICH
Erin Brockovich represents the people of Hinkley, California, in a class-action suit against a company accused of poisoning the town’s water.
ERIN
These people don’t dream about being rich. They dream about being able to watch their kids swim in a pool without worrying that they’ll have to have a hysterectomy at the age of twenty. Like Rosa Diaz, a client of ours. Or have their spine deteriorate, like Stan Blume, another client of ours. So before you come back here with another lame-ass offer, I want you to think real hard about what your spine is worth, Mr Walker. Or what you might expect someone to pay you for your uterus, Ms Sanchez? Then you take out your calculator and you multiply that number by a hundred. Anything less than that is a waste of our time. By the way, we had that water brought in special for you folks. It came from a well in Hinkley.
Dir: Steven Soderbergh • Scr: Susannah Grant • Cast: Julia Roberts (Erin Brockovich)
2000 GLADIATOR
MAXIMUS
My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.
Dir: Ridley Scott • Scr: David Franzoni, John Logan, William Nicholson • Cast: Russell Crowe (Maximus)
THUMBS DOWN
The making of Gladiator was almost as huge an undertaking as the events it portrayed. The wardrobe department was required to provide more than 10,000 costumes, the props department built twenty-four full-size functional chariots and most of the larger animals in the Rabat zoo were borrowed for the sequences shot in Morocco. The Germania battle scenes took twenty days to complete; they were shot in Surrey where an area had already been earmarked for deforestation, so the local council were delighted when the production designer told them they wanted to burn the woodland to the ground.
Any script which deals with historic events must tread a careful line between what is factually accurate and what is dramatically desirable and credible. For Gladiator, the production team carried out plenty of research but found that not everything they discovered could be used in the final film. The documented fact that gladiators endorsed commercial products in the arena was dropped because they felt the audience would believe it a crass anachronism. When Ridley Scott and his production designer visited the Colosseum, they deemed it too small for cinematic spectacle and built a partial, expanded version in Malta. It was so large and detailed that when the shoot was over the producers offered it to the local authorities as the basis for a theme park.
Scott originally came on board after two producers showed him a painting, Pollice Verso (Thumbs Down), of a gladiator turning to the crowd for their verdict on whether or not he should kill the man he has just defeated. Scott said: ‘That image spoke to me of the Roman Empire in all its glory and wickedness. I knew right then and there I was h
ooked.’ Many scholars now doubt this was standard procedure in the arena but the film-makers decided not to deny their audience such a familiar visual gesture. The most egregious bending of the truth is the story itself, which portrays Commodus (Joaquin Phoenix) as a vain, insecure tyrant who kills his father Marcus Aurelius (Richard Harris) in desperation to secure his appointment as emperor. In reality, father and son ruled together for several years and many historians now suspect Marcus Aurelius died of the plague.
Commodus was the only emperor known to have fought as a gladiator and there is some evidence his opponents would have been disabled with stiletto wounds before the fights in order to ensure his victory. In reality this underhand practice was kept from Commodus in order to flatter him, although the screenwriters portray him stabbing Maximus (Russell Crowe) in the back before they confront each other in the arena. Historically Maximus (an entirely fictional creation) did not kill Commodus; the emperor was strangled in his dressing room by his wrestling partner Narcissus.
The film had several writers. The first, David Franzoni, had been inspired by a book about gladiatorial combat (Those About To Die) although one source suggests the early script is ‘different in almost every detail from the finished movie’. John Logan was then brought on board, followed by William Nicholson who subsequently reinstated many of the scenes Logan had cut from Franzoni’s drafts. Eventually Franzoni was brought back as a co-producer to supervise the rewrites, and thanks to his new role shared that year’s Best Picture Oscar.
All the Best Lines Page 25