As I lay on the sofa with Wentworth, I realised how that unborn baby would never be more than just a concept in my mind. No matter how I tried to remember the good times Ross and I had had together, I kept picturing his naked, sweaty body on top of some skanky tart he met in a pub, and I knew I’d never be able to let him touch me like that again. More tears came.
Eventually, somehow, I managed to get a few hours sleep. Then I had a shower, got dressed and walked to the corner shop, returning with a large bar of chocolate, before getting back into my pyjamas.
Wentworth wandered in and sat beside me on the sofa. He rolled onto his back with his paws in the air and I rubbed his tummy for a while until my phone started to ring. Ross had been calling regularly but I ignored him. He’d come and tried to get in a few times too but I’d locked the front door from the inside and left my key in the lock. I didn’t want to see him.
I picked up my phone and saw it wasn’t Ross this time, but my friend Hayley.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Jen,” she said in an upbeat voice.
Hayley and I had been friends since the first day of secondary school. She’d come bounding over to me during a lunch break and asked me if I thought it was a good idea for her to audition for the drama club. I told her to go for it, and she dragged me along too. She was always the star of the show. I was always an extra or on the lighting crew, but our friendship grew from then, and we were inseparable.
Hayley was always the one in and out of trouble, chasing after boys, making quick decisions, handing her homework in late. One time she ran away from home and no one knew where she was for almost twenty four hours, except me. She’d made me swear not to tell her parents that she was in her gran’s shed and it was only when I saw her mother’s tears that I confessed to knowing where she was.
By contrast, I avoided getting into trouble. My schoolwork was always the best I could do, I procrastinated before every decision, constantly seeking my parents’ approval.
Somehow, as teens, Hayley and I balanced each other out. She’d encourage me to have a little fun and I’d hold her back when she excitedly jumped feet first at every opportunity.
We drifted apart for a few years while at different universities, but found ourselves, by coincidence, both living in Bath a few years ago, and our friendship reignited. Ross and I had entertained Hayley and her fiancé Kieran for dinner during this past week to celebrate their engagement. We’d all sat there, eating dinner, drinking champagne, laughing and joking, while Ross hid his secret. He hadn’t acted any differently; hadn’t seemed out-of-sorts or guilty or anxious at all. I thought I knew him well enough to know when he was hiding something, but obviously not.
Hayley bought me back to the present.
“Jenny, are you there?”
“Sorry. Hi. How are you?”
“Is something wrong? Your voice sounds weird.”
I started crying again and Hayley said she’d come over. An hour later we were drinking coffee and I felt a bit better.
“You know you’ve got that time booked for a holiday?” Hayley said gently after I’d blubbed all over her shoulder and told her what had happened.
Ross and I had booked the first week of September out of work for a holiday but hadn’t actually planned where to go. We figured we’d go get a last-minute deal a few days in advance.
“Yes?”
“Well, if I could get the time off work, maybe we could go away together? I’d like a girly holiday before I get … um…”
“What?”
“Well, before I get married, and it’d give you some space and time away from Ross.”
“Where would we go?”
“I don’t know. We’d have to see what’s available.”
“Can I think about it?”
“Of course.”
I liked the idea but I couldn’t think that far ahead right now, it was still two weeks away.
“Do you think she was pretty? I mean, she must’ve been pretty, right? Or he wouldn’t have done it.”
“Oh Jenny, no way. She couldn’t be anywhere near as pretty as you. I’m going to get us more drinks. You stay there and take a breather.”
Easy for her to say, she hadn’t seen the skank. And she was biased. This cow must’ve been attractive or he wouldn’t have gone for her. I sighed. How could a perfect stranger have ruined my marriage without me even knowing what she looked like?
Hayley returned with two cups of hot tea.
“Ross is such an idiot. But you know, sometimes people make mistakes. Don’t rule out your ability to forgive.”
I nodded, but I wasn’t sure I could even be in the same room as him, let alone consider forgiveness. Hayley left late and I went to bed where I cuddled up next to Wentworth again. He stretched out and let out a big sigh, again enjoying the extra space. Dogs are loyal, I thought. Much more loyal than husbands, as it turned out. I couldn’t fall asleep so I picked up my mobile, planning to bore myself into sleepiness by reading Facebook posts. Instead I saw that Ross had texted me several times.
4:05pm:You okay babe? Can I come home? I don’t want to come if you don’t want me there but we do need to talk. Please answer the phone. I love you x
6:13pm:I’m so sorry about all of this but tomorrow I’ll come home and we can talk, yeah? We can sort this out. I’ll do whatever you need. I love you x
6:14pm:By the way, Aiden says I’m an idiot. He’s right. I will make this up to you babe. Love you x
8:21pm:I guess Shane knows as he sent me an angry text. You see? You talk to him and not to me. I’m not blaming you, I’m just saying, you should be closer to me than him, that’s all. I’m here when you’re ready to talk to me x
10:32pm:Just let me know you’re okay or I will have to come round and be sure for myself x
I thought I’d better reply to that one.
Of course I told Shane, he’s my friend and I need friends right now. I am fine, no thanks to you. Please stop texting and calling, I will contact you when I’m ready.
Another text came in right away; couldn’t he leave me alone for one minute? But it was Shane.
Shane: Hope you’re alright. Just finished in the shop, you want me to come over? Xx
Me: I’m okay but thank you. What did you text Ross?! x
Shane: Glad you’re okay. I just text the word ‘bastard’ lol – sorry – I had to vent it!
Me: Love you x
Shane: Lol. Thank you. Love you too x
Somehow in the past twenty four hours my love for Ross had started to fade, much like the British summer I thought, as I heard the rain start to pelt my window.
The hurt and betrayal was too much. I didn’t think of him with love right then, but with anger. My imagined future no longer had him in it. Yet, what the future did hold was a scary prospect. I could never afford to live in our house alone, so I’d have to move out. Maybe I could rent a flat. I could join a dating site. I could go on a walking holiday. I’d make spare time to take up some hobbies and keep busy. Maybe I could be happy again. It’d be a fresh start.
The realisation of all the possibilities before me lifted me for a few minutes, but then I looked across at the empty pillow beside mine, and my heart sank once again as all the pain came flooding back.
I turned my phone off, pulled the duvet around me and listened to Wentworth snoring. I spent the rest of the night wondering how it’d happened. How did a married man go from having a drink in a bar with mates, to chatting to a total stranger, to having sex with her in a cheap hotel? Didn’t this girl see his wedding ring? Didn’t she care? And yet my anger was not towards her; it wasn’t her fault. It was his. He was the one who betrayed me.
The path before me was cloudy and I wasn’t sure which way to turn. The only thing I knew for sure was that life would never be quite the same again.
Chapter Four
I’m not sure what time I fell asleep, but I woke up with a damp pillow from bouts of crying during the night. I cried a little more, no
longer sure what about exactly, just the empty hollow feeling inside. Wentworth gave me a concerned look and licked my hands. Eventually, I took a shower and then decided I needed to leave the house before this rollercoaster of emotion consumed me.
Wentworth was ecstatic at the idea and sat by the front door wagging his tail happily, as I put his lead on and grabbed my jacket. We got outside and I looked up at the grey sky and kept my chin up, determined to enjoy our walk. We meandered for a bit and then headed towards the town centre.
Ross and I met shortly after I came to Bath, for university. I’d been there a month when I saw Ross chatting to a mutual friend in a pub. I remember he was wearing a crisp white shirt, a grey suit, and looked pretty mature compared to the boys at uni. He was sitting there chatting to his friend, drinking beer out of a glass.
“So are you a student?” was his opening line, and I’d told him a bit about myself. He worked in sales and we swapped life stories before a bit of kissing. I gave him my phone number without him having to ask.
Our relationship developed reasonably quickly from there, and he was charming and romantic by nature. He bought me flowers and little gifts he thought I’d like. He’d give me a massage the night before an exam; he encouraged me to go for it with my photography; he took me out for nice dinners, and he made an effort with my friends.
We went out walking every day. I’d always been a big Jane Austen fan and would chatter on about streets and places mentioned in her books. On my birthday, Ross took me for afternoon tea at the Pump Room and told me I was adorable when I got excited.
And we fell in love. So after I graduated we moved in together. A year after that we got engaged. Another year later we got married. We bought a house, and we adopted Wentworth. We had a few years of doing the whole domestic bit, improving the house, nice holidays, eating out, building our careers. Things were good.
And then Ross ruined it all.
Maybe I could move away, start afresh somewhere completely new? I could go live with my mum for a bit.
My parents split up when I was just a toddler. To date, my mum had been married six times and was currently living in California with Ken, who she thought was the love of her life. I’d heard that before. We had regular Skype chats when she’d tell me how warm and lovely it was out there. It didn’t sound so bad a place to escape to.
I looked up at grey clouds above Bath as we walked and contemplated it for a moment, but then Wentworth stopped for a pee and I looked down at him.
“I couldn’t go to California and leave my Wenty, could I?” I said to him and patted his head. He wagged his tail and sniffed a twig before proudly picking it up and carrying it along as we continued our walk.
Then there was the option of staying with Dad and Lorraine in Milton Keynes, but I wasn’t sure I could put up with my four moody teenage half-siblings for very long. Last time we got together for my dad’s birthday, Ross couldn’t even tell them apart.
“They all look the same to me, with their hoodies, Converses and iPhones glued to their palms,” he’d said on our way home.
There was my sister Sadie who lived not far from Dad, but she’d never let me take Wentworth to live with her, even temporarily. She was very precious about her immaculate apartment and golden retriever hair was not conducive to being house-proud.
Anyway, I thought as I came into the centre of town, I didn’t want to leave Bath. I still loved the city. I loved the sand-coloured buildings and the wrought iron railings. I loved the little shops and cafes, and the river Avon. My friends were here and I needed to be around them right now.
Wentworth and I walked all over town, peering in shop windows, and then called at Shane’s cafe. I let Wentworth loose in the above flat Shane shared with his partner, Andrew, and he ran in to play with Annie while I went down to see Shane for a coffee and a chat. And, if I could wrangle it, a blueberry muffin.
I found a little round table by the window and waved over at Shane behind the counter. He smiled back and came over a few minutes later with a cappuccino.
“Thanks. I don’t want to talk about Ross,” I told him as he sat down opposite me.
“Okay, no problem.”
“You got any blueberry muffins going spare?”
“Sold out, sorry. Double chocolate chip cookie?”
“Yes please.”
He got up and returned with my treat. As he got out a plate behind the counter, I thought about what Ross had said about my being a ‘little bit in love’ with Shane. I felt myself blush. Of course I wasn’t. How ridiculous.
The cookie looked amazing.
“Thank you.”
“So, you okay?”
“Yes. This is delicious.”
“Good, thank you. My new hire is an amazing baker.”
“How’s the dragon?”
“Andrew said she’s awful as ever. I don’t know why he bothers.”
“It’s his mum.”
“Yeah, I guess so. You don’t go visiting your mum as often as he does though, and she’s actually a nice person.”
I shrugged.
“It costs a lot to visit my mum.”
As I told her over and over. If she wanted to run off to live in America then she needed to come visit me. Or, better still, send me the air fare so I could visit her.
We filled a half hour with chat about the cafe and how things were going, avoiding the Ross debate, while I sipped my coffee and nibbled on the cookie.
“So you haven’t spoken to Ross?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Don’t you think you ought to?”
I shrugged, reminding myself of my sulky teen siblings.
“I’m going to walk a bit more. I’ll grab Wentworth.” I got out my purse.
“On the house this time,” he said, waving my hand away. I smiled and gave him a quick hug. It was always on the house but I always got my purse out anyway, never wishing to assume.
Wentworth greeted me as if we’d been separated for years, as always, and I gave him an affectionate rub on the head before we went back out and continued our walk. We dawdled aimlessly for a while, looking in shop windows, watching tourists, passing pubs, wondering which one Ross had met this girl in.
We walked up to the Travelodge and I peered up at the windows, trying to pick out the one Ross had betrayed me behind. Wentworth sat beside me, looking up too.
I tried to picture the girl again. What had she looked like? What did she think of him now? Did she know about me? Did she feel guilty? Would he see her again? I shuddered at the thought.
Next, we walked down to the Abbey, passing more tourists, then we crossed the bridge over the river and I sat on a bench for a while, while Wentworth lay down and dozed by my feet.
How had this happened? Had I been a bad wife? Maybe it was my over-enthusiasm for cheesy pop music. I was always putting corny tunes on and singing at the top of my voice. Maybe he couldn’t take one more Boyzone melody and had gone out to piss me off just as much as I’d annoyed him.
Or perhaps it was that I was just too much of a nag. I liked everything to have a place, and moaned at him when he left his crap lying around. I was always asking him to clean something or fix something. Had I become one of those boring, annoying wives? If I had, could I blame him for not loving me quite as much as he used to? Perhaps he only loved me 90% now; and that 10% slump was enough to allow him to drop his morals for a moment, and cheat.
Maybe I just wasn’t as attractive to him as when we first met. I mean, I wasn’t nineteen anymore, I was reaching my late twenties. I’d put on a few pounds. More than a few, if I’m honest. I didn’t always make the effort to wear sexy lingerie anymore, opting more often than not for my big comfy cotton granny knickers.
And, yes, I did spend a lot of time out with my friends. Shane and I often walked the dogs together and Hayley and I had regular girls’ nights, but usually he seemed pleased I was going out so he could play his Playstation games uninterrupted.
Maybe a combination of all those things had led to this. I was sure he wouldn’t have cheated when we were first married. Could it be that he’d fallen out of love with me a little bit? Just enough to think it was okay to betray me? Enough not to worry if I left him? Maybe it actually was my fault this had happened. Had I not been paying attention? Maybe I’d taken our marriage for granted.
And yet he also played his fair share of, in my opinion, bad music. He didn’t seduce me so much these days. He wasn’t quite as romantic as he had been in the beginning. And yet I’d never contemplated cheating on him. Never once even been tempted. I’d have been horrified at the thought. I’d never even spoken to a stranger in a bar long enough to get that far. Because I loved him. So I obviously loved him more than he loved me.
That thought made me feel desperately sad. He used to adore me. When we first got together, he fell for me before I realised I loved him back. He even made me feel smothered at times, showering me with affection and romance at every turn. But my love had grown and when we got married, I really felt we were equals when it came to the ‘being in love’ ratio. When had the balance shifted?
It started to rain, but still I sat. After a while, it eased off and I got my phone out. I had several missed calls from Ross. I decided it was time to call him back.
Chapter Five
“Babe, I’m at home, where are you?”
“Just out.”
“Please come home so we can talk.”
“I don’t have much to say to you Ross. I guess I need time to digest this.”
“I know I messed up, but we need to talk about this, surely you see that?”
“I don’t see there’s much to discuss.”
“Of course there is! Come on, Jenny. We must talk. Don’t you want to fight for us?”
I looked down at Wentworth. He was drenched but laid back enough not to care. I didn’t want to go home, or be around Ross, but I couldn’t sit there forever and I was getting cold.
Independent Jenny Page 2