Independent Jenny

by Sarah Louise Smith

  The time flew, in the annoying way it always does when you wish it would slow down. When the light started to fade, Will got up and said we ought to drive back to the farm, where we were due to be having dinner with Hayley and Guy. I wasn’t ready to end our alone time, there seemed so much left unsaid. So many things I wanted to say, but knew I couldn’t say them to a married man. I just nodded and he called the dogs over.

  “You okay?” he asked as I rubbed Wentworth with an old towel. He and Fern had been playing in the water.

  “Yeah, just sad to be leaving.”

  “I’m sad you’re leaving too.”

  I looked up at him and he stared back down at me. I gave him a sad smile and he looked away quickly, attending to Fern.

  As Will drove us back, I tried to think of a way to lighten the mood, but I couldn’t think of anything to say.

  “Put some music on, if you like,” he said, apparently hating the awkward silence as much as I did. He passed me his iPod.

  I scrolled through, looking for something light and fun.

  “You’ve got a playlist called musicals?”

  He laughed. “Don’t tell Guy. I do like a show tune.”

  “Me too,” I said, putting it on and sitting back and singing along. Will joined in.

  Typical. Just another thing to add to my reasons to love him; he liked musical theatre. There weren’t many men out there you could drag to see a show. Even Shane wouldn’t come with me. Ross once said he’d rather spend the evening cleaning the house.

  The music lifted the solemn mood and again, time sped up. We were just enjoying belting out Good Morning Baltimore from Hairspray when Will pulled up at the gate and I had to jump out and open it.

  It started to rain hard and we rushed into the house. Hayley and Guy were in the kitchen, heating up leftover stew. We joined them at the dining table and talked about the weather, the dogs and the farm. No one mentioned that we were leaving and it unsettled me. Too much was left unsaid. Just as I was wondering how I’d get Hayley alone, she asked if she could speak to me in private and we went into the living room. She shut the door and I knew I wasn’t going to like what I was about to hear.

  “I’m going to leave Kieran.”

  “Right. Okay. Are you sure?”

  “Yes. I love Guy, and I’m very sorry about Kieran, but I’m going to go home, break it off, resign from my job, and come back up here. Guy asked me to come and live with him.”

  She said that last part in an excited tone which just got me angry.

  “What do you think Kieran will say?”

  “He’ll be upset, of course, but he’ll get over it.”

  “Right.”

  “Aren’t you happy for me?”

  “I just think you’ve gone about this the wrong way, that’s all. And how well do you really know Guy?”

  Although, she didn’t know him any less than I knew Will, I realised. And I’d move up here for him. The thought surprised me and a sad feeling descended.

  “I know it’s hard to understand,” Hayley said, “but I do know him. I love him.”

  “I just feel bad for Kieran.”

  “Kieran’s a big boy!” she raised her voice.

  “So you’re just going to give up everything, the job you love, the man who wants to marry you, move away from all you friends? You hate the countryside!”

  “I don’t! This week has been perfect!” She was getting louder.

  “It’s been a holiday Hayley. You have to come back to reality.”

  “I care about Kieran but I love Guy,” she said. “You have to understand that.”

  “I do! You’re just going about this the wrong way.”

  “Who’s Kieran?” Guy was standing in the doorway, looking worried.

  “Her fiancé!” I told him, too angry about her behaviour to care anymore.

  Chapter Thirty

  Guy stared at Hayley, looking hurt while she shot me an evil look. She was just about to open her mouth when he spoke first.

  “You should’ve told me,” he said quietly before turning and leaving.

  “Thanks Jenny!” Hayley practically spat in my face before running after him. The front door slammed and I saw Guy walking away briskly, then the door opened again and Hayley ran out, calling his name.

  “Wow. You never told me.” Will was now in the doorway.

  “I’m sorry, I thought it wasn’t my place. Her fiancé is a great guy, I feel really bad for him.”

  “I guess you can’t help who you fall in love with.”

  I just looked at him. He looked right back at me, seriously at first and then a smile broke out.

  “You want to get out of here? One last sunset?”

  His lovely handsome face was lit up, making me feel happy and sad at the same time. We bundled into the car with the dogs and drove in silence. I was anxious; I wanted to tell him how I felt but knew I shouldn’t, and anyway, he might not feel the same. I could be reading him wrong. I’d read him wrong before, thinking he felt the same way when he actually felt stronger. Now maybe it was the other way around. He pulled up in the spot we visited a few days earlier and, still without talking, we set up the chairs and blankets. Will got my tripod out of the car.

  “No, for once I’m not going to take photos,” I told him. He raised his eyebrows. “I just want to enjoy the moment, watch the sunset with my own eyes instead of through my lens.”

  “Fair enough,” he said, putting it away again. Wentworth and Fern sat side by side on the blanket I laid out for them, while Will and I sat in the chairs looking out at the view. There were more clouds today but that somehow made it seem more dramatic. The dark grey shapes seemed to have a golden glow around their edges. We sat in yet more silence. I wondered if he’d communicated with Mandy that week. And if so, had he told her about me?

  “I’m going to miss you, Jenny,” he said out of nowhere.

  “I’ll miss you too. We can email though, and call each other, keep in touch, right?”

  “Yep.”

  I nodded and smiled, then looked down at the ground. I hoped this wouldn’t be the last sunset we’d ever watch together, but if he was going to work on things with Mandy I couldn’t imagine us seeing each other again.

  He suddenly stood and went to stand by the water’s edge. I hesitated for a moment, but then went and stood beside him.

  “It’s so beautiful here,” I whispered.

  He reached out his hand and gently took mine and squeezed it. I felt a current pass between us but continued to stare out at the water. He must feel the same way; friends didn’t hold hands like this, surely?

  I felt him looking at me and turned to look back. He just kept on looking and I smiled, unsure what to do next. And then he put his hands on my hips suddenly, pulled me in close, and then he kissed me. Gently at first, then more passionately and full on. I wrapped my arms around his neck and leaned my whole body into him.

  He was a million times a better kisser than in his youth. He’d gained confidence, and was more delicate and yet more passionate … and I melted.

  Then he pulled away as suddenly as he’d started and looked at me, horrified.

  “I’m so sorry,” he said, turning away to face the view. The sun was about to disappear on the horizon.

  “Don’t be,” I said, a little breathless.

  He turned back to me.

  “I’ve been wanting to do that all week.”

  “Me too.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why didn’t you?”

  “You’re married.”

  “So are you.”

  “I’m getting a divorce. Are you?”

  “I … I don’t know. Yes. I can.”

  “You don’t sound sure.”

  “I just … figured that I’d go home and make it work, or at least try, but then all this time we’ve spent together, I don’t want to go home. I want to stay here with you.”

  “But I can’t stay here, Will. I’m
going home to Bath tomorrow. And you’ve got your job, too.”

  “I know.”

  We both turned back to stare out at the water. The sun had gone but the sky still looked beautiful. I didn’t dare turn to look at him again as I’d only wrap my arms around him for another kiss.

  “So what do you want to do?” I asked, unsure I wanted an answer unless it was in my favour.

  “I don’t know.”

  He took my hand again and we stood, looking out at the water. The light was fading. Just like my time with Will. I swallowed to fight back tears.

  “I think I should go. Will you drive me back to the cottage?”

  I turned and called Wentworth.

  My trusty golden friend came running and I started to fold up the blanket and chairs. Will helped me and once in the car, we sat in further silence. I had so much to say, and yet I couldn’t find the words to express myself at all. There was no way this could work, even without my husband and his wife, there was the distance between us.

  “Can we stay friends? Still call and email like we said?” he asked as we neared the cottage.

  The thought of not keeping in touch filled me with sadness. “Of course,” I said, giving him a smile.

  He smiled back and turned down the track towards the cottage. It was twilight; not quite dark yet, and I saw a merlin swoop through a neighbouring field and land on a fence post. For once, I didn’t want to grab my camera and take photos of it.

  At the cottage, Will didn’t get out of the car so I got my things and Wentworth, and turned to face him. He put his window down.

  “Well, take care,” I said, desperate not to show how upset I was.

  “Bye, Jenny.”

  I went up to the front door and put the key in the lock, then I heard him open his car door.

  “Jenny?” I turned to look at him. My eyes lingered on his lips.

  “Yes?”

  “If I was single and you were single and we lived nearby, do you think we’d…?”

  “I think you should make a decision about Mandy before you ask me that question.”

  “So that’s a yes?” he said, smiling hopefully.

  “It’s irrelevant. None of those things are true.”

  “Don’t say goodbye, not now, like this. Please?”

  “I need to clean up the cottage, pack my stuff and have an early night.” My voice sounded cold.

  “Okay, well, I guess I’ll be seeing you then.”

  I gave him a hug, intending to pull away quickly but he held me there and I could hear his heart beating fast as I rested my ear against this chest. Then he pulled away and quickly walked back to his car. I went inside and watched him drive away from the window. I was crying before he got to the gate. I thought about calling him and telling him to leave his wife and come back to Bath with me, but knew I wouldn’t do it. I’d been the ignorant wife, the one none-the-wiser back home and I wouldn’t do that to someone else. Wentworth came and licked my hands to cheer me up. I took a deep breath and bent down to fuss him.

  Then, after a few more tears and several deep breaths, I began packing up my things, cleaning up, sorting out the rubbish and getting ready for the journey back the next day. Once everything was done, I went outside, found a spot in the garden with a half decent phone signal, and called Hayley.

  “Hi,” she said, still sounding angry.

  “I’m sorry, it’s none of my business,” I said, hoping she’d forgive me quickly.

  “It’s okay, you’re only looking out for me. Sorry I got angry.”

  “So is everything okay?”

  “Guy’s annoyed but understands, I think. I’m not going to come back with you.”

  “But what about Kieran and your job?”

  “I can call them both. I don’t need to do it in person.”

  “Hayley, that doesn’t seem fair.”

  “Would you mind packing up some of my stuff at Kieran’s house and I’ll get a courier to bring it up here?”

  “Don’t you think you owe it to Kieran to come back and face him? This is a bit cowardly Hayley.”

  “I know it seems that way, but I don’t feel it’s necessary.”

  I wanted to yell and tell her she should do the right thing, but I knew Hayley. She was stubborn and impulsive and I wouldn’t be able to change her mind. There wasn’t any point in falling out with her, either. She’d just hang up on me and I could do without more stress right now.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Absolutely. I’m sorry it means you’ll have to drive back alone.”

  “Okay, well I’ll have Wentworth. I’m leaving early. I’ll leave the cottage key under the mat and you can come and get your stuff tomorrow.”

  “Okay, thank you.”

  “No problem.”

  “Is everything okay with you and Will?”

  “Yes. Why?”

  “He just came back and he looks miserable. Went up to his room without saying much.”

  Well, I was glad he was miserable, I thought. No, no that’s not true. I wanted him to be happy.

  “I don’t know, it’s been a strange week.”

  “Tell me about it. I’ll call you soon, yeah?”

  “Yeah. Take care Hayley.”

  “You too, Jen.”

  I hung up and took a deep breath, imagining I was letting the anger out as I exhaled. She wasn’t even going to tell Kieran in person, and now I had a long journey to make with only a dog for company who couldn’t share the driving. I suddenly felt pretty sure my friendship with Hayley was over as much as her relationship with Kieran was. I was just getting ready for bed when I heard a knock at the cottage door which made me jump.

  “It’s me!”

  Will.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  The sound of Will’s voice made my insides light up. I straightened my pyjamas and opened the door. Fern ran in past me. I looked at Will.

  “Sorry, I just felt … weird about the way things were left between us. And … I didn’t want you to be on your own tonight,” he said.

  “Thank you,” I told him and let him in. “I was just going to bed.”

  “That’s okay. I’ll just be in the other room.”

  “You sure?”

  “It’s more comfortable than that single cold lumpy one at Guy’s.”

  I laughed, relieved he was here and yet sorry I’d have to bid him good bye a second time in the morning. We lingered in the hallway a moment.

  “You want a drink before bed?” I asked him.

  “Maybe another hot chocolate?” He smiled and went into the kitchen. I followed him and watched as he prepared them. We sat on the sofas and I told him about Hayley.

  “Wow, seems a bit cruel,” he said, sipping his drink.

  “I know. Poor Kieran.”

  “Will you be alright driving back on your own?”

  “Yeah, I think so. I’ll take regular breaks. Drink coffee.”

  “What are you going to say to Ross?”

  “I haven’t even thought about it,” I admitted. “He’s expecting us to be together when I get back. There’s so much to do, so much to sort out.”

  He nodded. “You’ll get through it.”

  I didn’t want to ask about what he was going to do when he got home.

  “And his brother?”

  “I don’t know,” I told him honestly. I hadn’t even given Aiden much thought. “It feels like such a long time since I saw them. This week has flown by, yet it feels like I’ve been here a lot longer.”

  “I know what you mean.”

  “I better get to bed, long journey tomorrow.” I got up and washed up our cups.

  “Well, thanks for coming back tonight,” I said. “Goodnight Will.” I turned towards my bedroom.

  “You remember how we used to snuggle in bed?”

  I spun back around to face him.

  “Yes?” I asked, my heart pounding.

  “We’d lie there all morning, cuddling up, clothes on so our parents didn’t
think we were doing anything, but just holding each other?”

  I nodded and smiled at the memory.

  “Want to do that tonight?”

  I looked up at him.

  “How would your wife feel about that, Will?”

  He swallowed. “Look, Jenny, I can’t say for sure how I feel about her, and I know it was wrong to kiss you, and perhaps to even be here. But I do know that I’ve had a great time with you and you’re the best friend I’ve got right now. And it’s cold and I wouldn’t mind a cuddle with my friend. So what do you say? No funny business. Just snuggling up.”

  I hesitated for a second.

  “Okay. Clothes on.”

  “Of course.”

  So there I lay, my last night on Skye, wrapped up in the arms of the man I was pretty sure I’d fallen in love with, wondering what my husband would say when I told him it was over; wondering if Will loved Mandy, or me, or neither. Wondering if I’d ever have a man to hold me like this ever again. I fell asleep feeling contented yet sad.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  The following morning, I woke up with my head on Will’s chest and knew this had been a bad idea. Now it would be even harder to leave. I listened to his deep breathing and then moved my head up slightly so that I could see his chin. He hadn’t shaved for a few days, and the dark stubble suited him. I was tempted to run my finger along his jaw but resisted.

  I closed my eyes and imagined slipping my hand under his pyjama trousers and waking him up the way I used to when we were randy teens. I bet he’s learned some new moves since then. My whole body tingled at the thought.

  Yes, Jenny, he has learned some new moves, which he’s been practising with his wife. The thought shook me from my daydream and I slowly moved away, leaving him to sleep while I tiptoed around the bedroom getting ready, trying to delay the awkward moment when Will realised we were acting like a couple without actually being one and married to other people, in fact. When he eventually woke up, I was in the kitchen and he called a cheerful hello before going straight into the shower.

  He then helped me clean up the last few bits, load my stuff in the car and set up my sat nav for me while I put Wentworth into the back.

  “Thanks for sorting out Gertie,” I told him. He frowned.