by Mara White
No pressure,
Ryan
Chapter 32
Ryan
Despite being rather non-committal, Jackie’s letters were the highlight of his life. He knew she was indirect and struggled with talking about her feelings—that hadn’t changed since college. But she sounded happy, she was still free-spirited, outgoing and fun.
He’d told Carlos and Scotty, but not his parents. He was still casually dating the girl from the sports bar. He hadn’t told her about the letters because she would probably laugh in his face, she wasn’t sentimental and the two of them treated one another like a booty-call, albeit affectionate and very consensual. There was attraction, but it wasn’t, BAM! He hadn’t had that since Jackie. Her evasive letters made him wonder if she hadn’t changed, maybe packed away her grief instead of facing it head on. The mysterious part was that it didn’t deter him, if anything, he felt even more determined to help her open up to him. He wanted Jackie to heal and he wanted to stand by her side and commit to helping her do that—even if it didn’t work out between them, Ryan wanted happiness for Jackie Bowen.
“Happy Birthday to you!” His family, for church going, or rather, church running folk, could sure butcher the simplest melody on earth. Diane had outdone herself, as usual, with a beautiful homemade cake. Cal had grilled steaks. All of his brothers were there, Carlos and Andres with their wives and kids, Scotty with his girlfriend. Carol and he had been sort of on and off for years. She was great, she really was. This was his first birthday without her there in maybe five years. He was pretty sure they were done, or at least that’s what Ryan constantly told himself. But Carol had found someone who was serious about settling down. They were off for the time being, due to apathy on both their parts. Ayana was great and they had fun together, but she wasn’t the type of girl he’d bring home to his parents. Ryan was pretty sure that if he invited her to his birthday party, she’d laugh in his face. Good naturedly, of course.
The cake was incredible; German Chocolate. Ryan ate two pieces and a bowl of ice cream, while arguing with his brothers and his father about who was going to make it to the Super Bowl.
After the cake plates were cleared away, Diane and Jessica shooed them out of the kitchen into the living room, complaining that they were as loud as a football team.
Scotty retired from the Atlanta Falcons early due to a knee injury, but he bet on his team, while Ryan and his older brothers raved about the Packers. There was a lot of yelling about scores and players, who would get drafted and who would get traded. They decided to take the kids out back and play some football. Ryan loved days with his family, it was, for him, the time when he most felt like himself. As they were heading out back, he leaned in and kissed his mom on the cheek. She and Jessica were elbows deep in dish soap.
“No Carol?” Jessica asked.
“Ayana. Not today, anyway,” Ryan answered and shrugged. “You want to play?” He asked them, trying to be aware of gender roles and what they were modeling for the children. He didn’t think being a housewife was good enough for any of his nieces. Andres’ daughters, Gabriela and Daniela were already the most athletic kids in their school.
“Maybe I do,” Jessica answered. She wiped her hands on a tea towel and made for the back door. Ryan took her spot beside his mother and started loading the dishwasher with the sudsy dishes she handed him.
“That was nice of you, but why don’t you go play, son. It’s your birthday. I can finish up in here.”
“Cause I don’t always get the chance to spend time with you, Mom!”
“You are my sweetest boy. Don’t tell your brothers I said that!” That was his mom’s age-old joke, she told all of them they were her “sweetest boy,” when the others were out of earshot.
“I’m surprised Carol missed your birthday. She’s such a nice girl.” Ryan translated “nice girl” as boring and then inwardly cringed at how mean that was.
“We kind of backed off of the relationship for now, still friends and everything. But it just doesn’t really click and neither of us want to settle. I’ve been seeing this other girl, Anaya, but she didn’t want to come.”
“Hmm.” His mother intoned and passed him another plate. “I don’t want you to be lonely, Ry. You’ve got a lot to give.”
He nodded and kissed her cheek again. They finished with the dishes and Ryan started the dishwasher. His mom handed him a bottle of red wine and pulled white out the fridge, along with some cold beers.
“Uncork, it Ryan. In case the girls would like some. He found the corkscrew in the drawer and smiled at how much his mother delighted in saying, “the girls.” Finally some women in her family for her to conspire with. “Are you growing your hair out?”
The question roused him from his daydream. Ryan ran his hands through his hair that was getting long on the top. He grinned at his mom and grabbed a bottle of beer from her full arms.
“Ry, you seem melancholy. What’s up?”
Leave it to a mother to see right through a smile. He was happy, for the most part. He loved his job, he felt decent about where he was at this stage in life. He looked out into the backyard ,right as Scotty tossed the football. His niece Gabriela caught it like a champ. Scotty motioned with his beefy arms for him to come play. He rolled his eyes toward their mom, like Ryan had unwittingly gotten roped into clean up duty.
“I’m thirty now, Ma. In the prime of my life, right?”
“You’re still so young, love. There’s plenty of time to change directions if you’re not satisfied with how your life is now. Thirty is a hard birthday, if I remember correctly. Things might feel final right now, but they’re not.”
Ryan knocked the cap off his beer bottle on the side of the fridge. It wasn’t that things felt final, it was more like they felt stagnant, like life hadn’t even begun yet even though time was obviously carrying forward, dragging him along if he were he ready or not.
“You remember how I felt about Jackie, right? The girl I was friends with in college?”
“Of course I do. I remember you were absolutely smitten. Then later choked up when that terrible car accident happened.”
“I still think about her a lot. We’ve been exchanging letters for years now. Just letters, nothing more, but it still feels like the most important relationship in my life.” He scrubbed his hair forward and then back again. Who are you going to tell if you can’t tell your mom? He’d never told her about their pact. He’d never told anyone, in fact, because he himself wasn’t sure if it was real or some silly agreement everyone makes with that one friend at some point in their lives.
“You’ve kept in touch over the years?”
“Some. Yeah. The first few years not so much but since we’ve been writing letters, it’s gotten kind of intense. She’s in California, working as a driver’s ed instructor.”
“Have you thought of calling her?”
“Thinking about it right now. In the last letter, she sent me her number for the first time. I’ve never worked so hard for a girl’s digits in my life.”
“Well, go do it then, silly. You can use the phone in our bedroom. I’ll hold down the troops so you can get some privacy!” His mother had a little conspiratorial glimmer in her eye. He had all of the usual doubts running through his mind. What if she doesn’t want to talk to me? What if she rejects me? What if she wants to keep it completely platonic, and we’re just old friends? But he couldn’t voice any of those worries to his mother because she would hush them away and tell him to buck up, no guts, no glory. His mother was a bit of a drill sergeant when it came to feelings. She had to be, she’d raised four boys and didn’t have the time or resources for antics.
“Chop, chop!” she told him and strutted to the back door. Before he could lose the gumption, Ryan turned and took his childhood stairs three at a time.
“Jackie?”
“Oh my God, Ryan! I was sure you’d text first. It’s so good to hear your voice!”
“Yours, too.”
“Happy Birthday, Sport!”
“Holy shit, you remembered!”
“I remember a lot of things.”
Chapter 33
Jackie
“Did you hear me?” Jackie didn’t know when it happened exactly but somehow she was in the midst of trying to break up with Alex Foster. Currently, he was lying in her bed, looking glorious in his nakedness. She frowned as she looked for her pants. She would miss his body.
“Babe, I said, I really think it’s time to consider moving in together,” he said. He pushed his sandy blonde hair from his eyes. Jackie cringed. Over the last eight months, Alex and she had been casually seeing each other, or sleeping together. They hadn’t ever discussed being exclusive and she had been under the impression that they were not.
“Uh,” she mumbled as she struggled to tug on yoga pants. “That seems a little . . . quick.”
“It’s been almost a year, babe.”
“Stop calling me babe,” she snapped. Jackie sighed. She didn’t mean to be hostile but his choice of conversation caught her off guard. “I kinda thought we were just, you know . . .”She looked at him. His bottom lip jutted out in a pout. “Just having fun.”
“Fun?”
“Yeah,” she shrugged. “Like friends with benefits. Non-exclusive.”
Alex jackknifed up. “Seriously?”
“Yeah,” she said, before pulling her hoodie on.
Alex stood up and crossed the room. He pulled her against his chest. “I am so sorry I gave you that impression.”
Jackie rolled her eyes, knowing he couldn’t see them. “It’s nothing to be sorry about. I was all good.”
Alex held her at arms-length by the shoulders. It was really hard to focus when he was naked and apparently trying to be serious. “Wait. What?” he asked.
Jackie sighed and wiggled from his grip. “I didn’t think we were dating Alex, and I was happy that way.”
“Are you breaking up with me?” For all of Alex’s amazing qualities, namely—being amazing in bed and handsome, he was not always common-sense bright. She grimaced.
“I’m telling you that I don’t want to be exclusive and like sleeping with you?” Her statement sounded like a question and she hated it. Alex’s shoulders slumped.
“I told my mom about you.” Jackie remained silent. “I took you to all those concerts,” he whined. Jackie couldn’t contain herself. She laughed. Concerts? Really? “Is this because of that stupid pen pal?”
“Whoa, buddy, watch it. That pen pal is one of my best friends but for your information, no. It has nothing to do with Ryan. I’ve been enjoying our time together but I was under the impression it was casual, with no strings attached.”
“Babe. I love you.” Alex tugged on his boxers.
“No, you don’t. Don’t say that. We only see each other a couple times a week and it’s all sex, usually.”
“But.” Jackie held up a hand to stop him.
“Listen, Alex, I don’t want a relationship. If you do—we have an issue. If you’re cool with just hanging occasionally and having sex—great. Let’s keep doing that but don’t pretend to love me.”
“Man, you’re icy. What the hell, Jackie.” Alex dug through the clothes strewn on the floor for the rest of his outfit. When he managed to get himself dressed, he stomped past her and let himself out.
Jackie flopped on the couch and texted Rose.
Another lover bites the dust.
Jackie’s phone pinged a few seconds later.
Damn, he was hot. Maybe you should consider an actual relationship next time.
Jackie laughed and shook her head—not that Rose could see her. The thing was, she didn’t crave a relationship. Emotionally, Rose and Ryan provided her with what she needed. She was satisfied at work. She actually loved teaching driver’s ed to teenagers—there was never a dull moment. It was the physical part that needed filling and no matter how hard she tried over the years, she couldn’t find a man who was down for a long term friend with benefits. Which if she were honest with herself, blew her mind. Wasn’t that supposed to be what guys were into?
She clicked on the TV and began flipping through the channels. Her phone pinged again. Rose.
I guess you could just invest in a supply of zucchini
Jackie muted the TV and dialed Rose.
“Yeah?”
“Zucchini? Really?” Jackie laughed.
“Well, they won’t want to date you.”
“True. I hear CSA shares are pretty cheap and reliable right now. Cause obviously, it’d have to be organic.”
“Well you wouldn’t want to put anything else in there,” Rose deadpanned. Jackie burst out laughing and silently thanked God for her best friend. “So what’d he do?”
“He brought up moving in together.”
“Whoa, now, that’s a deal breaker.”
“He also validated that it was an actual relationship because ‘he took me to concerts and stuff.’”
Rose giggled. “Sounds serious. I would have been pissed, too.”
“How’s my Lola?” Jackie asked.
“Oh, you know, a big second grader and all. She’s already too cool for her mom.”
“I can’t believe she’s seven. It blows my mind.”
“Right? It must be wrong because I’m definitely not seven years older.”
“Truth. We are forever twenty three.”
Rose blew out a sigh. “I wish.”
“How’s the good Doctor?”
“He’s fabulous. I honestly don’t know how I won him over.”
Jackie grinned. “It was that quick wit and good looks.”
“I love you,” Rose said.
Chapter 34
Ryan
He was packing for California, an elated lunatic in pajamas, stubble and bedhead, throwing in T-shirts and jeans, enough underwear for a week. It had taken them years of beating around the bush to get to this trip. How long had it been since he’d last seen her? Eight years? It was hard to believe that much time had passed between them.
Ryan was singing songs under his breath and was light on his feet. He brushed his teeth in the bathroom mirror and packed up his toiletries. Flexed his bicep at his reflection and smiled. He’d gained more muscle mass through his new lifting regimen and was proud of his physique. He downed a protein drink in the kitchen that he’d thrown together in the blender. His entire outlook felt recharged after just a few phone calls to plan their trip. It was that same exhilarating buzz, that same effect she’d had on him in college. He wanted to do something with his life, make things happen, be a better person—be happy—with Jackie. He jumped up and grabbed his pull-up bar, did chin-ups until his arms burned and he felt the familiar ache in his deltoids. Then fell to the floor to do push-ups. He needed to burn off the energy that flowed generously through him. Ryan wanted to call his brothers and break the news, hell, even his parents. He was finally going to California. They were going to meet up. But it would be silly to jump the gun. What if they didn’t click in person like they had on the phone? What if all that was left between them were memories of good times but nothing solid on which to build a future together. They could have nothing in common.
He stopped at the coffee shop near his apartment on his short, seven-block walk to work. The girl behind the counter, Lindsay, made his drink before he even got to the front of the line. He knew her from both his gym and the coffee shop. She’d lost over fifty pounds in one year. They’d gone running together a few times, but nothing date-ish, pure friendship.
“Ryan, you win the lotto or something? You look so chipper this morning!”
“Yeah. Something like that.” Ryan couldn’t hold in a sly, sheepish grin.
“Dude, tell me! I’ll take my fifteen,” Lindsay said, looking at her watch. She quickly untied the strings of her black apron and yanked off her cap.
She shoved Ryan’s drink into his hands and ushered him over to an empty seat in the back.
“Lindsay, I didn’t pay for
it-”
“Shhh! Tell me the good news! Who is she?” Lindsay barked. Her drink appeared to be easily fifty percent whipped cream and chocolate. He wanted to tell her that wasn’t on the maintenance plan he’d printed out for her, but he decided to let her enjoy her break instead.
“Just an old friend from college. I’m going to see her for a week in Cali. Not a big deal. I’m not even staying at her place. I got an air B and B, like two blocks away.” Lindsay snorted. The infectious smile was still creeping in, brightening his face. He tried to contain it but it was impossible. Ryan smiled wide and genuine, exposing his pearly whites.
“Oh, my God, are you in love?” Lindsay barked.
She was a funny girl. Ryan always enjoyed her company and she obviously could read him well.
“mmmMaybe?” Ryan responded.
“That’s not what your face says.” Lindsay looked almost as excited as he felt.
“This isn’t pink envelope letter-writing girl, by any chance?”
“The one and only.”
He wanted to dish but at the same time, sharing his excitement made him feel too vulnerable. Because he and Jackie had always stood on such uneven ground, he wondered if talking it up could only lead to disappointment.